"Come now, Hisirdoux, give it another go." Merlin said. Douxie felt completely drained. He felt like he'd been running for the past six hours. His legs were shaking, he could barely bring himself to raise his arms, and his soul hurt. Douxie hadn't even thought that was possible, and yet here he was.
"I d-don't think I can," Douxie gasped for breath. Merlin crossed his arms.
"You cannot just give up now and leave the spell half finished." Merlin said. "Trust me, you'll feel better once you finish. Magic isn't meant to be done halfway. It's draining." Douxie could feel that for himself. He felt like he could sleep for the next week. Douxie didn't feel like he could finish this spell, and he didn't completely believe that doing so would make this fatigue go away, but Merlin seemed to know what he was talking about. Merlin was his master, and the Master Wizard here, so even though Douxie was exhausted he decided to give it another try.
"Alright, fine," Douxie took a deep breath and rolled back his shoulders. He held out his hands the way that Merlin had shown him how to do. "I'll give it one more try."
"Now, close your eyes and focus," Merlin said. "Do you feel the sun on your skin?" Douxie nodded. He could feel the warmth, just bordering on too hot, and even with his eyes closed he could almost see the bright sunlight. "Now, take that light inside of you." Douxie bit his lip and looked for the feeling of his magic, and the feeling of the sun. After working on this all day, Douxie had gotten used to finding the small connection between the two feelings and latching onto it.
Douxie pulled the warmth in and let it mingle with his magic. Douxie felt the warmth build up in his chest. It felt like a cross between having a fever and being very content. The temptation to just lay down and sleep got even stronger, but Douxie resisted it. He was so close. Douxie brought his hands together, focusing all of the magical warmth at that one spot. Douxie held his breath and slowly pulled his hands apart as he forced the magic out.
Douxie could feel the heat between his hands. He opened his eyes and laughed triumphantly when he saw a ball of blue light between his hands. It was really pale and looked weak, and it was only about the size of an apple, but Douxie could feel the warmth, like sunlight but more focused. He had actually managed the spell.
"I did it!" Douxie grinned happily at Merlin. "Look at it, I did it!"
"Yes, you did very well," Merlin's tone was a little annoyed, but he was smiling. Merlin may be trying to hide it, but Douxie could tell that he was pleased. "Just in time for the hunt tomorrow."
"Hunt?" Douxie frowned slightly and he felt his magic ball dim. "What hunt?"
Merlin sighed. He didn't look very happy, but that might just be his exhaustion showing. "Some trolls have been wandering a little too close to Camelot's borders, and Arthur is not too happy about it."
Douxie had heard a lot about trolls and Arthur's hatred for them and all other creatures of magic. Douxie had never seen one before in person, but he knew that most people were terrified of them. Douxie didn't know how he felt about hunting for trolls. On the one hand it sounded like they were creatures prone to violence. On the other hand, Douxie knew that he had a tendency to lash out when he was threatened, and a hunt certainly sounded threatening.
"What's that got to do with me?" Douxie asked. The knights were the ones who dealt with the trolls, with Arthur occasionally joining them when it was a real emergency. Douxie had heard that Merlin or Morgana could sometimes help when they had a hunt at night, but he'd never seen it happen before.
"King Arthur isn't yet convinced of your loyalty," Merlin said, and this was the closest thing to displeasure that Douxie had ever heard from Merlin when he talked about Arthur. Usually, Arthur could do no wrong in Merlin's eyes. "He insists that you use your skills to benefit the kingdom."
Douxie frowned at the warm orb floating between his hands. "How am I supposed to do that with an artificial sunlight spell?" Even as Douxie said it he realized just what was being asked of him. Everybody knew that trolls turned to stone in the sun. It was only because of this weakness that the knights were able to fight off the trolls at all. "Wait a second, you want me to fight them?"
"Of course not," Merlin scoffed. "The knights will be doing the fighting, you will just be there to assist them."
Douxie's hands began to shake. The orb shuddered and flickered. It was barely giving off any heat at all. "I don't think I can do this," Douxie said. The thought of using his magic to hurt another being made him feel a little nauseous. He wasn't afraid to lie, steal, or defend himself if he didn't feel like he had any other choice, but he hated the thought of hurting anybody.
"You must," Merlin said harshly. "Arthur has very little patience for wizards as it is. He tolerates me and Morgana because we can provide services for the kingdom that nobody else can."
Douxie had very little confidence before that Arthur would ever like him, but what little hope he had was dashed in an instant. Morgana was Arthur's sister, and Merlin was his most loyal advisor, and yet he still didn't trust their magic. Douxie didn't think he would ever get into Arthur's good graces, but especially not like this.
"But Master," Douxie began, but Merlin held up a hand to quiet him.
"Don't 'but Master' me, Hisirdoux," Merlin said. "Arthur is humoring me when it comes to having you as my apprentice, but that won't last forever. You must begin to hold your own."
"Does it have to be like this though?" Douxie asked almost desperately.
"You don't know many other spells that Arthur would consider to be useful," Merlin said. "And as far as Arthur is concerned, the only good use of magic is to fight off all other kinds of magic."
Douxie let his hands fall to his sides. The glowing ball disappeared in an instant, and so did the warmth. Douxie felt chilled to the bone. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to bring back the nice, warm feeling.
"Can't I do something other than my magic?" Douxie asked. It wasn't as though he was completely useless outside of his powers. There were plenty of things that Douxie could do. "I could, I don't know, polish all the brass in the castle." That hadn't been what Douxie had meant to say, it was just the first thing to come to his mind.
Merlin raised an eyebrow at him. "Brass?"
"What? There's lots of brass just sitting around all day, and I'm sure the servants have better things to do than polish them." The more Douxie spoke, the more he realized how ridiculous a suggestion this was. He didn't want to admit that to Merlin though.
Merlin sighed and rubbed his forehead like he had a headache. "Hisirdoux, I understand that being near the knights is stressful for you, and your first troll hunt can be overwhelming, but I assure you, you'll do just fine. And I'll be right there to provide assistance if you need it."
Merlin wasn't normally the most encouraging person in the world, and Douxie was normally desperate to get the smallest validation from him. Hearing Merlin say something like this would normally calm Douxie down right away. He should be comforted at Merlin's confidence in him, as well as the fact that Merlin would be right there to help if it was necessary, but it just made Douxie feel slightly ill.
Douxie didn't think he would be able to help fight off any trolls they may come across, and very little of Douxie's uncertainty came from a lack of confidence in his magic. Douxie doubted he had the guts to help harm the trolls, and if those doubts proved to be right, Merlin would be right there to see him falter and fail. It wasn't a reassuring thought.
"You'll do just fine," Merlin put a hand on Douxie's shoulder. He gave him a small push towards his sleeping quarters. "Now get some rest. We leave at dawn." Douxie grimaced and tried to find the words to express his doubts and concerns. Before he could say anything Merlin had already left the tower, likely to prepare for the hunt tomorrow, and Douxie was left alone.
Douxie sighed and went into his room. He would have collapsed right onto his bed, but Archie was already lounging on it. He had been asleep, but when Douxie sat down on the edge of his bed Archie lazily cracked open his eyes.
"Did you finally manage the spell?" Archie asked.
"Yeah," Douxie frowned as he looked at his hands. He almost wished that he hadn't been able to manage it at all. If he couldn't do this sunlight spell, he wouldn't be forced to go on this hunt. Archie seemed to recognize his low spirits. Archie crawled onto Douxie's lap and nudged his hand with his head. Douxie gently scratched behind Archie's ears.
"You don't sound as excited as I thought you would be." Archie commented.
"Merlin wants me to join a troll hunt tomorrow," Douxie said. "I'm not exactly looking forward to it."
Archie sat up ever so slightly. "What did the trolls do this time?"
"As far as I can tell, they existed," Douxie said. "That seems to be a crime in and of itself in our merciful king's eyes." Archie glanced somewhat anxiously towards the door, like he expected someone to come barging in to punish Douxie for his disrespectful and sarcastic words towards Arthur. Douxie knew he should be more careful, that he shouldn't speak poorly about the king whose castle he was living in, but he wasn't in a very grateful mood.
Douxie snapped his fingers and created a small flame. He didn't have a lot of spells under his belt, but creating fire was one of the first ones he had learned, before he'd ever met Archie. It had saved him from many a cold night. Douxie stared at the flickering flame. "I know trolls can be dangerous, but people say the same thing about wizards, and dragons, and any other magical creature." It didn't feel right to hunt a creature when Douxie and Archie had been persecuted in a similar way just because of how they'd been born.
"I'll come with you on the hunt," Archie nuzzled him. "You won't have to deal with the trolls or the knights on your own."
"I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather you didn't," Douxie said. "I don't want you to be mistaken for a troll and attacked."
Archie bristled. "I look nothing like a troll." Archie sounded insulted at just the suggestion, and Douxie couldn't help but chuckle. From what he'd heard, trolls were extremely diverse in how they looked, but Douxie doubted that any troll actually looked anything like a cat or a dragon. He doubted that would be enough to stop the knights though.
"Well then, I don't want you to be snatched up and eaten by a hungry troll," Douxie said. He didn't know if the rumors that he'd heard that trolls ate cats was actually true, but he didn't want to take his chances. Archie, who had heard the same rumors, reluctantly agreed.
"Just...be careful," Archie rested his paws against Douxie's chest. "I don't want to find myself a new familiar." Douxie chuckled. He always found it amusing when Archie said that Douxie was the one who was the familiar.
"Oh, we wouldn't want that," Douxie pet Archie. "I'll do my best." He laid back and closed his eyes. Merlin may have been right about Douxie feeling better after completing the spell, but he was still exhausted. He briefly considered staying up all night so he would be too exhausted to go on the hunt in the morning, but he doubted that Merlin would accept that excuse. Merlin would make Douxie go no matter what. Staying up and forcing himself to be exhausted would hurt nobody but Douxie himself.
Archie curled up on Douxie's chest and nuzzled against him as he fell back asleep. Douxie took a deep breath and it wasn't too long before he fell asleep too.
After what felt like just a few minutes Douxie was gently shaken awake by Merlin. He was exhausted and just wanted to go back to sleep, but he could smell the hot food that Merlin must have brought up, and Douxie knew that if he didn't wake up now then Merlin would resort to more extreme methods. Douxie may not want to get up, but he didn't want to be levitated into the air or be splashed with water.
"Master, are you sure I have to go?" Douxie asked as he accepted the hot loaf of bread from Merlin. He broke the bread in half and set one of the pieces onto the bed. He gently lifted Archie off his chest and laid him on the bed next to the bread.
"It won't be as horrible as you think, Hisirdoux," Merlin said. "And yes, I'm sure." Merlin seemed to be trying to keep his tone even and reassuring, but Douxie could tell that he was losing his patience. Merlin would only accept so much questioning, and he had almost reached his limit.
Douxie sighed and nodded. Merlin put a hand on Douxie's shoulder and led him out of the tower. Douxie didn't know if the hand on his shoulder was so that Merlin could make sure that Douxie followed him, or if he wanted to offer something like comfort to him. Douxie ate his bread as they walked, hoping that getting some food in his stomach would calm the pit that he could feel getting stronger with every step they took.
When they got to the barracks, Douxie saw that the sun was only just beginning to rise. Douxie was a little surprised they were leaving so early. It would be another hour or two before the sun was high enough to actually shine through the trees in the woods. The trolls wouldn't be as restricted in where they could be. Some more adventurous trolls may be more out in the open than they would be later in the day.
Maybe that was the point.
The knights were already there waiting for them. They looked like they were getting ready for a battle, not a hunt. The knights didn't even glance their way when they arrived. The only person who looked towards them was Morgana, who looked about as happy about this hunt as Douxie was. When Morgana saw Douxie, she looked even more disgusted and furious. Morgana stormed over to Merlin.
"You're bringing the boy?" Morgana asked. Merlin tightened his grip on Douxie's shoulder.
"He knows the necessary spell," Merlin said.
"This isn't about his magical capabilities," Morgana hissed. "This is about the fact that he's too young to be exposed to such ruthlessness, let alone to be dragged into the middle of it."
Douxie scowled slightly at Morgana. He didn't appreciate that she was talking about him, but not to him. She frequently did this when Merlin was around. He also didn't like that Morgana seemed to think that he needed to be sheltered. Douxie was most certainly not too young to know what ruthlessness was. He'd been on the streets since he was young. Douxie had seen things that Morgana probably couldn't imagine, and he'd heard about even worse.
"He's not a child." Merlin scoffed. "He has to learn sooner or later how to serve the kingdom."
"Serving the kingdom?" Morgana looked taken aback for a moment before her expression darkened. "Let me guess, this was my brother's idea." Merlin's silence was confirmation enough for her. Morgana scowled and looked towards the castle. "I'll be having words with him." Morgana returned her glare to Merlin. "I expect you to keep your young apprentice safe. He won't be much good to the kingdom if he gets himself killed."
Douxie frowned. He may not be a Master Wizard or a knight, but he could take care of himself. It might have just been this desire to prove himself to Morgana that led Douxie to find the will to follow Merlin and the Knightswhen they left the barracks and made their way towards the forest. He may not want to do this, but that didn't mean that he wasn't capable.
Douxie stayed close to Merlin's side as they walked. While the knights were even more tense than Douxie was, as though they expected monsters to jump out at them, Merlin was completely relaxed. Merlin looked like they were taking a small morning stroll. Douxie heard a few rustles in the forest as they went, but other than that it was rather uneventful.
They walked for several minutes before Merlin stopped, holding his arm out to stop Douxie from continuing forward. Merlin finally looked tense. "That's the Wild Wood ahead." The trees didn't look any different to Douxie, other than maybe the smoke curling around the ground, making everything look spookier. Douxie could feel a difference though. It felt like something was reaching out to him, calling for him.
"There's magic out there," Douxie said breathlessly. Merlin raised an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, the Wild Wood is the home of all the trolls and many other creatures of magic." Merlin said.
Douxie stared at the trees in quiet, wary awe. Douxie felt similar to how he imagined most humans would feel when they encountered a calm, sleeping dragon. It was astonishing, but also absolutely terrifying. This was one of the situations where Douxie would be more than happy to sit at a safe and respectful distance. The knights didn't seem to believe the same thing.
"Come on, men, let's go," Lancelot said. "We're burning daylight." He led the way into the trees, and the others all followed him.
"Wha-what are we doing?" Douxie asked. "We're not really going in there, are we?" Merlin had already started following the knights, and Douxie had little choice but to follow him.
"Of course we are," Merlin scoffed. "We came here to find the trolls, and the Wild Wood is where they are."
"But...but that's where their home is." Douxie said frantically. His stomach was hurting and he felt like he was going to be sick. For the first time in his life, Douxie regretted eating that bread this morning. Douxie grabbed Merlin's arm to pull him back. "Master, you said that the trolls were coming too close to Camelot. Why are we going into their territory?"
"Because it's what Arthur told us to do." Merlin said sternly.
"But it's not right." Douxie said. It was one thing to go after trolls that were close to the castle, as it could be argued that they were a threat, but to go after them in their own home just because King Arthur was paranoid? It wasn't just unfair, it was barbaric. "Master-" Douxie froze when he heard a loud roar that seemed to shake him down to the core. Just out of sight, the knights were shouting and yelling out battle cries. They seemed to have found the trolls.
Douxie's legs felt weak. "I can't do this." It wasn't about 'think' anymore. Douxie was completely confident in his inability to help fight the trolls."
"You can, you must, and you will." Merlin grabbed Douxie's arm and pulled him towards the sound of fighting. Douxie tried to resist him, but Merlin was surprisingly strong for someone his age. "Remember what I taught you. Feel the sun, take it in, and bring it out."
Douxie wasn't sure if he was able to do the spell, even if he wanted to. He felt nothing but cold, and he didn't think it was just because of the early hour and sparse amount of sunlight. Douxie didn't want to let Merlin down though, so he shakily reached out for what little amount of heat he could find.
When they reached the knights Douxie was able to get his first real look at a troll. They were as frightening as the stories suggested, but some of them looked more terrified than terrifying. Only two or three of the trolls were actively fighting back. The other five or so were just desperate to escape. Douxie felt a pang in his heart when he saw a large but unarmed troll pleading for mercy.
"Master," Douxie started to try to plead with Merlin one more time, but his Master wouldn't hear another word.
"Focus, Hisirdoux." Merlin finally let go of Douxie's arm. He took his staff and started casting the sunlight spell towards the more troublesome trolls. Douxie shook his head. His breath quickened as he watched the trolls one-by-one get turned to stone as they were exposed to Merlin's magic. The increased threat just made the remaining trolls panic more and fight back harder.
"Hisirdoux." Merlin's tone was stiff. He was losing what little patience he had.
"I...I can't," Douxie almost wanted to close his eyes, cover his ears, and pretend that the fight wasn't going on around him, but he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away. He couldn't help but take in every detail.
Merlin scowled and rounded on Douxie. He was going to give Douxie an earful, but that was the last thing on Douxie's mind.
"Master, look out!" Douxie cried out. A nearby troll had noticed how distracted Merlin was and it seemed to be trying to take advantage of it. The troll had it's weapon raised, ready to strike. There wasn't time to really come up with a plan. Douxie's instincts took over. He let out his magic, sending a sphere of magic sunlight right into the troll's chest.
The reaction to Merlin's spell had been immediate. His trolls had turned to stone right away, likely before the trolls even had any idea what happened. Douxie's victim wasn't nearly as lucky. The stone spread slowly from the troll's chest, and Douxie couldn't help but stare in horror at the terrified troll who knew exactly what was coming. Douxie didn't think he'd ever seen somebody so scared in his life.
"I...I didn't…" Douxie leaned weakly against a tree. "What have I done?"
"What was necessary," Merlin said. He gave Douxie a sympathetic look, but the battle was still going on around them. Merlin still had work to do. He turned away from Douxie and started using his magic again. Where Douxie hadn't been able to look away from the battle before, he couldn't watch it anymore. Douxie's eyes were only on the poor, scared, stone troll in front of him.
A few short minutes later all the noise died down as the one-sided battle ended. No more shouting, no more shattering stone, just the sounds of victory, as if they had done anything worth celebrating.
"Hisirdoux," Douxie didn't react at all when Merlin put a hand on his shoulder. He just stared in wide eyes at the stone troll. He couldn't register seeing anything else around him. Even when Merlin stepped close in front of him, blocking his view of the troll, Douxie just stared unseeing ahead. "Hisirdoux, you've done well."
Douxie had never hated hearing Merlin praise him. He had done the spell successfully, and he'd done it quickly without thinking twice about it, but the twisted feeling in Douxie's gut kept him from seeing this as a victory.
"This shouldn't have happened," Douxie said numbly. "They didn't deserve this. Why...why did we have to attack them?"
"It's our job," Merlin said grimly. "It's not pleasant, but it's necessary."
"But it wasn't," Douxie finally looked Merlin in the eye. "They weren't threatening us, they were just...here." If this was the kind of thing that Douxie would have to do to be a wizard, he didn't think he wanted to learn magic anymore. It wasn't worth this.
Merlin sighed. "Perhaps Morgana was right." Merlin looked around them. The knights were beginning to move onward. The hunt wasn't over yet. Douxie let out a groan that probably sounded more like a whimper. He couldn't do this again. Merlin lightened his grip on his shoulder. "I think we've had enough for today."
Douxie knew that the hunts normally lasted for hours, and the knights wouldn't return to the castle until the midday meal, but he didn't say anything. If Merlin was going to suggest they go home early, Douxie certainly wasn't going to complain. Douxie nodded. His legs were still shaking, but he was somehow able to force his legs to move on step at a time as Merlin led the way home.
The sun was in the sky, but Douxie felt done with the day. He wanted nothing more than to lay down in his bed and block everything out. He wasn't sure if Merlin would allow it, but Archie would insist on it. Douxie wasn't afraid of getting his familiar to talk to Merlin on his behalf, especially not for something like this. His chest hurt, his legs felt like they would give out on him any second, and his head was swimming so much he almost felt like he was drowning. He couldn't be a magician today, he couldn't be Merlin's apprentice. He just couldn't do it.
He just needed to go back to bed. He couldn't handle anything more than that.
A/N: This chapter was inspired by just one line of Merlin's in the show. He said that Douxie believed that all life was precious. In the show, we saw that Douxie, of course, valued the lives of those he cared about, but when I hear that someone cares about all life, I take that to mean all life, including their enemies. I wanted to go into that a bit.
And I thought that it would be appropriate for Douxie to value all life when Nari left the Arcane Order for that exact reason. I feel like it just makes their connection stronger and incredibly beautiful.