Douxie stared at the door in front of him. He'd been standing here for nearly five minutes, and he was no closer to actually knocking on the door as he was when he first showed up here. Archie looked at him in concern, but he didn't say anything. Archie knew how Douxie felt about being here. It was something that he felt he needed to do, but that didn't make it any easier.
Douxie took in a shaky breath. "This is so stupid. There's no reason for me to be so nervous. I'm just here to talk to Morgana."
"You shouldn't get in trouble for that," Archie said.
"Then why do I have the feeling that Merlin will kill me for this?" Douxie asked.
"Don't be ridiculous," Archie leapt off his shoulders and flew just in front of him. "He wouldn't kill you. Maim or torture, maybe."
"Oh, thank you, that's very reassuring." Douxie hated how casual Archie was treating this. Here he was, so anxious and needing several minutes to work up the nerve to just enter the room, and Archie was making jokes.
"Do you really think that Merlin will get mad at you for asking for help?" Archie tilted his head at him.
"I don't know." Douxie frowned. "It might be one of those unspoken rules that he just expects me to know, like no stealing."
"I'll tell you what, if he wants to get mad at you, tell him that it was my idea." Archie said. Douxie grimaced. He wasn't so sure about that. Merlin seemed to find any excuse to blame Douxie for the smallest things. He wouldn't let him get away with blaming his familiar, even if it was true. Archie sighed and nudged Douxie. "You want to learn magic, don't you?"
"Of course I do." Douxie frowned. "But-"
"And if Merlin's not going to be teaching you, it's only fair for you to find help somewhere else." Archie pointed out.
"He never said he wouldn't teach me," Douxie said. "Master's just been...busy." Even as he said it, Douxie knew how weak an excuse it was. Ever since the incident about two weeks ago Merlin hadn't taught Douxie any new spells. He wouldn't even let him practice the magic that he already knew unless he was supervised, but Merlin always had some excuse as to why he couldn't help him.
Douxie understood that as a Master Wizard, and King Arthur's own personal court wizard, Merlin was incredibly busy. However, going two weeks without having even five minutes to spare seemed a little excessive. There was no denying it, Merlin was avoiding teaching him, and he hadn't even given a good reason as to why.
Douxie really wanted to learn magic from Merlin, the greatest sorcerer in the land, but his Master wouldn't even give him the time of day. Douxie knew that he needed to learn how to control his powers, Merlin had told him as such multiple times. He couldn't just sit around and wait. If Merlin wasn't going to teach him, he had to go to somebody else.
Douxie took a deep breath and knocked on the door. A long moment passed before the door opened, and Douxie immediately wished that he had put this off until tomorrow. He felt his face go red and he took a step back. Morgana's hair was down and draped over her shoulders. Normally Douxie's eyes would be drawn to her hair, as she was usually so careful about keeping it tied back, but he was too distracted by her clothes, or lack thereof.
"M-my lady," Douxie stammered. He forced himself to look Morgana in the eyes. If he looked anywhere else, he didn't think he'd be able to get any of his words out. Morgana wasn't wearing her usual royal tunic or dress, but just a simple chemise. Douxie was used to seeing the edges of chemises and undershirts beneath everyday outfits, especially among the common people, but he'd never seen anybody in just a chemise before. For that somebody to be Morgana, a Master Wizard and the half sister to the king, it was a little horrifying.
"Hisirdoux, are you alright?" Morgana asked. She didn't look the least bit confused or irritated as to what he was doing there so late when she was clearly getting ready to settle down for the night. There was nothing but concern in her voice.
"I-I'm fine," Douxie swallowed thickly. When he didn't say anything more Morgona furrowed her brow in very slight confusion. Archie gave Douxie a scolding look and landed on his shoulders. He gave him a nudge. Douxie cleared his throat. "I-I just wanted to...would you be willing to…" It was so much harder to ask than he thought it would be. Douxie nervously began to rub at his left hand. Morgana's gaze followed the movement.
"Does your hand hurt?" Morgana grabbed his right hand and gently pulled him into the room. Douxie was too startled to resist. By the time he got over his shock, Morgana had pushed him to sit on the foot of her bed. She knelt in front of him and began to unwrap his hand. Douxie sat stiffly and just watched her work.
"A-actually, it feels fine," Douxie finally forced himself to say. "It's only a little numb."
"I'm not surprised," Morgana looked carefully at the cut once it was free from the bindings. She carefully brushed her fingers over the cut. Douxie couldn't help but flinch. It tickled. "Sleeping potions weren't meant to be exposed directly to blood. It's no wonder you're dealing with some ill side-effects."
Douxie grimaced and looked to the side. "Yeah, I really messed up."
"You?" Morgana tore her gaze away from the healing wound to look at Douxie in shock. "From what Merlin told me, you're not the one at fault here."
"But it was my magic that made Merlin lose control of his spell." Douxie said almost desperately. He was sure that the reason why Merlin wasn't teaching him was because he didn't think he was ready, because of how he'd blundered up such a simple spell. Douxie was so sure that Merlin blamed him, so it took him a long moment to process exactly what Morgana had said. "Wait, Merlin said that?"
Morgana's eyes softened. "He made it very clear to me that he blames himself. I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't make the same thing clear to you, but somehow I am." Morgana took both of Douxie's hands in her own and gave them a small squeeze. "Have you really been blaming yourself all this time?"
"Well, of course I have," Douxie said. A part of him desperately wanted to believe Morgana's reassurances, but it was difficult. Merlin was a Master Wizard. How could he be the one at fault here? "If it wasn't my fault, then why has Merlin been avoiding teaching me magic?"
Morgana looked shocked, but a moment later a dark look came into her eyes. "He hasn't taught you anything since the accident?"
"He hasn't even let me practice," Douxie said, his frustration and desperation about the situation slipping into his tone.
Morgana scowled with a huff. "That man," She shook her head. "Merlin's the one who is so insistent that unfinished magic is dangerous, and yet he's left your training incomplete. He's lucky that you haven't run off to try to teach yourself magic."
"Actually," Douxie gave her a shy smile. "That's what I came here for. I was hoping you would be willing to teach me a few things."
"You want to learn magic from me?" Morgana asked. She looked surprised, but also a little pleased with herself.
"You're the only other witch we know." Archie said. Douxie frowned at his familiar. It was the truth, but there was no need to tell that to Morgana. Douxie didn't want to make his friend feel like he was only there because he thought he had no other choice.
"Your magic is so different from Merlin's," Douxie said. "I've been wanting to give it a try for awhile now, but with Merlin not teaching me, I figure this is as good a time as any."
"I'd be happy to help you," Morgana said. "I have to warn you though, Merlin may not approve. He's never been a big fan of my preferred style of magic."
"I end up disappointing Merlin when I'm not even trying to," Douxie said. "I might as well accomplish something while letting him down." He meant to be casual about it, because he was so tired of trying so hard only to end up messing up in his master's eyes anyways. However, Douxie cared a lot more than he wanted to. He thought that Merlin was the greatest wizard in the world, and he sought his approval. Despite Douxie's best effort, his tone betrayed just how much he still cared.
Morgana gave him a small smile. "If you're sure, why don't we get started?" Morgana stood up and pulled Douxie to his feet.
"What, right now?" Douxie frowned slightly.
"The thing about shadow magic, or shadowmancy, is that it's easiest at night." Morgana said. "For a beginner like you, there's no better time to start."
"Well, you're the Master Wizard here," Douxie said reluctantly, though he couldn't help but be a little excited. He was finally going to learn some more magic, and not just that, but a type of magic that he'd never tried before. Maybe this would come easier to him.
"What has Merlin told you about shadowmancy?" Morgana asked.
"Nothing," Douxie admitted. He'd heard around the streets from terrified people that shadow magic was dark and evil, that it only brought trouble and involved working with demons and devils. However, Douxie had learned to not listen to everything that non-wizards had to say about magic. He may not know a lot about shadowmancy, but he knew Morgana, and if there was one thing he was confident about when it came to her, it was that she was not evil.
"The concept is actually quite simple," Morgana said. She led Douxie to the middle of the room. She left him standing there as she went to the fireplace. With a wave of her hand the fire flared up before suddenly going out. Not even an ember remained as the room was thrown into darkness.
"Do you know why many people are afraid of the dark?" Morgana asked. Her voice seemed to come from everywhere. Douxie moved his head, hoping to see even the smallest sign of light, but there was nothing. It was a little unnerving, but he wasn't afraid.
"Because they can't see what might be out there for them." Douxie said. When he'd been very young, when he'd first left the village of his father and grandfather, he'd been terrified of the dark. He'd had many sleepless nights because he'd been too terrified of what was out there. It was only after Douxie had met Archie, who had dragged him off to midnight hunts, did he realize that maybe the scary creatures he'd been imagining weren't actually out to get him. If a dragon could become his best friend, then maybe a woodland sprite could be friendly too.
"Most people are afraid of the unknown," Morgana said. "That's why shadow magic is so feared. It takes the shadows that are so mysterious that they can hide anything, and it makes those possible uncertainties a reality." Douxie shuddered as he felt a chill. He recognized Morgana's magic. A moment later Morgana took his hand and carefully slid something into his grip. Douxie felt it for a moment before he realized what he was holding.
"A dagger," Douxie was in slight awe. He could feel the dark magic radiating from it. He could tell that Morgana had summoned it from the shadows. Morgana put her hand on the dagger handle and Douxie let her take it back.
"Merlin tells me that your magic comes best when it's instinctive," Morgana said. "This may come to your advantage. Shadowmancy isn't exactly something that can be easily learned or taught. It's just something that you do, that you feel."
"What is it supposed to feel like?" Douxie asked.
"Are you familiar with that feeling in your chest when you think about the things that you can't control?" Morgana asked. Douxie flinched ever so slightly. Archie nudged him in an attempt to offer comfort.
"I try to avoid that feeling, but yes, I know it." Douxie said quietly. It was the feeling of being completely helpless. His body and mind seemed to fight with each other, and he couldn't do or say anything. Half the time it felt like he couldn't even breath.
"Shadowmancy is taking complete control of that feeling." Morgana said. "It's like taming a wild horse. You're not changing the nature of it, you're just showing it who is in charge."
"I don't know if I can do that." Douxie admitted. If his panicked mind was a wild horse, Douxie would probably be run over by it.
"You're much stronger than you think you are." Morgana said with complete confidence. "Feel the darkness that surrounds you, embrace it, and get a strong grip on it. See if you can pull out my dagger." There was another surge of magic as Morgana returned her blade to the shadows.
Douxie shivered, and this time it had nothing to do with the chill that Morgana's magic brought with her. It was a nice thought, to reclaim control of the moments when he felt in so little control, but that meant inviting the feeling in the first place, and that terrified him. Still, he'd come this far, and he wasn't about to turn around now.
Douxie took a deep breath and reached for his magic. While he had learned a few years ago to not worry so much about what was hiding in the shadows, he let his imagination loose now. He couldn't exactly pull anything out of the darkness if he knew that there was nothing there.
Creatures, weapons, secrets that people were too afraid to share, Douxie could almost feel the presence of it all around him. It wasn't frightening, exactly, but it was overwhelming. There was so much information, and Douxie wasn't entirely sure what he should reach for first. He hesitated for just a second too long and allowed his anxiety to get the best of him. Now that he'd allowed himself to think about what could be hiding in the shadows, he thought that maybe there was a reason they were hidden away. They could easily be too dangerous to mess around with.
Douxie gasped and pushed his magic out, instead of bringing it in. The room was suddenly illuminated with a bright blue light, banishing the darkness and shadow magic. The fire lit itself back up, flaring up a bright blue before returning to a more natural red color. It was burning so strongly that anybody who entered the room wouldn't even know that the fire had been out in the first place.
Morgana looked at the sudden light in surprise before looking at Douxie. "Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind."
"Sorry, it just came out," Douxie said somewhat anxiously. The darkness may be gone from the room, but he felt like it still surrounded him. It was as though the shadows had seeped just under his skin, not quite into his core, but definitely deep enough to be noticeable and make him antsy.
"You have nothing to fear from the shadows." Morgana said.
"I'm not afraid," Douxie said honestly. He didn't completely agree with her words. Just because he himself wasn't afraid didn't mean that danger didn't lie hidden in the darkness. That was like Douxie saying that nobody had anything to fear from dragons just because Archie was his friend. "It just...it feels wrong."
"Shadowmancy takes a lot of practice," Morgana said. Douxie knew that, it was nothing less than he'd expected, but the thought of giving it another try terrified him. Morgana must have seen the hesitation in his eyes. "Of course, shadow magic isn't for everybody."
"I don't think there's any problem with shadowmancy itself," Douxie said quickly. He didn't want Morgana to think that he hated her practice of magic. "I just don't think it's for me."
"I could try to teach you something else," Morgana said.
"I appreciate the offer, but I should probably get back to the tower," Douxie said. He didn't want Merlin to notice that he was gone. Besides, being in this room made him feel crowded and terrified, and it wouldn't be fair of him to ask Morgana to leave her room at this hour, especially when she was wearing nothing but her chemise. "Maybe later?"
"Any time you like," Morgana gave him a small smile. Douxie nodded at her in gratitude, gathered Archie up in his arms, and left the room. The castle was dark. At this time of night, not even the torches in the hallways were lit. Douxie was familiar enough with the castle at this point that he could probably navigate his way back to the tower in the dark, but he wasn't comfortable enough to do that. He waved his hand and brought up a flame. Douxie knew that Arthur had forbidden him from using magic unsupervised, but Douxie thought this was a small enough offence that what trouble he might get into was worth it.
A few minutes later Douxie slowly opened the door to the workshop. He glanced around somewhat nervously and relaxed when he didn't immediately see Merlin. Maybe he could get to his room without his master even knowing that he was gone in the first place. Douxie was halfway across the room when a large candle near the window suddenly lit up. Douxie froze where he stood. He knew that he hadn't been responsible for that candle, and the only other wizard that could be up here was his master.
"Hisirdoux, where have you been?" Merlin stepped into the light. He didn't exactly look angry, but he definitely wasn't impressed.
"I…" Douxie hesitated for just a moment. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. Archie tried to come to his rescue.
"He was at the tavern." Archie said easily. His tone was casual enough that most people would probably believe him, but Douxie and Merlin stared at the cat like he was crazy. Of all the excuses that Archie could come up with he chose the one thing that Merlin would never believe.
"The tavern?" Merlin crossed his arms and gave Douxie an unimpressed look. "I've never seen you show so much as an interest in the kinds of drinks they have at the tavern." Douxie enjoyed the occasional fruit wine, but the taste of ale and mead made him gag and he didn't like the way that they made him feel. However, he knew that it wasn't because of the alcohol that Merlin had such a difficult time believing this lie.
"Am I to understand that you would willingly go anywhere near the tavern, even though that is where many of the nights spend their free time?" Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Especially Galahad?" There it was.
"Alright, I wasn't actually in the tavern." Douxie hunched his shoulders slightly. He might have been able to come up with a believable lie, but now that Merlin had already caught them in a lie he wouldn't accept anything less than the truth. "I was with Morgana."
"At this hour?" Merlin looked surprised, but he seemed to believe Douxie's words. He must know that Douxie would know better than to lie about something that could so easily be disproven. "What in the world for?"
Douxie sighed. He didn't want his master to be disappointed with him, but he was too tired to try to talk his way out of this. "I was asking if she would teach me magic."
Merlin frowned in confusion. "I didn't know you were interested in shadowmancy."
"I wasn't," Douxie said. He could still feel the shadow magic under his skin. "I'm still not."
"So why would you go to Morgana?" Merlin asked.
Douxie scowled ever so slightly. Why did Merlin sound so surprised? "I didn't have any other choice. You won't teach me."
A strange look came to Merlin's eyes. Douxie would think that it was regret, except Merlin frequently said that magicians didn't make mistakes.
"It's not that I won't teach you," Merlin said. He held up a hand before Douxie could protest, because that was exactly what he had done. "I'm just not entirely sure how to go about doing it, and trying to teach you when I don't know exactly what I'm doing, well…" Merlin's gaze wandered to Douxie's hand, and this time he was sure that it was regret that he was seeing. "It could have disastrous consequences." Merlin stepped closer to Douxie and took his hand so he could examine the wound better. He looked at it for a long moment before he nodded and let Douxie's hand drop. Merlin didn't mention anything about binding the wound again, so he must have decided that it had healed enough to be left unbound.
"Then why can't Douxie at least practice magic at all?" Archie glared at Merlin. The familiar wasn't going to let Merlin get away with any of his excuses. "Morgana said you don't blame Douxie for what happened, but you're definitely acting like you are."
"What? Of course I don't blame you." Merlin looked almost insulted at the suggestion. A moment later his gaze softened. "I suppose I haven't done very well at showing that." Merlin sighed, looking as tired as Douxie felt. "I'm still not sure how to go about teaching you. The way your magic shows itself, and the way you use it, it's unlike what I've ever worked with."
Douxie grimaced ever so slightly. Merlin must have worked with all kinds of skilled magicians during his career. They all must have been much more skilled and capable than Douxie was. "I'm really not very good at magic."
"You're still young and learning." Merlin said. "I wasn't much better when I was your age."
"But I couldn't even do the easiest summon spell using shadowmancy." Douxie said. Morgana had made it look and sound so easy, but he hadn't been able to do it at all. He may have only tried once, but Douxie didn't think that practice would have made it any better.
"Well, of course you couldn't." Merlin looked shocked at the thought of Douxie using shadow magic. "It's not in your nature. I could have told you that."
"But how can you tell?" Douxie asked. He knew that Morgana said that shadowmancy wasn't for everybody, but could Merlin really know just by looking at Douxie that he wouldn't be able to do it?
"Do you know what a big part of shadowmancy is?" Merlin asked, using that superior tone of his that suggested that he knew that Douxie didn't know the answer, and he was happy to teach him.
"Morgana said it was bringing the things hiding in the shadows out." Douxie said. "It's working with the unknown."
"Well, she's not wrong." Merlin said. "However, do you know what the biggest uncertainty about life is? The one unknown that most people fear above anything else?" Merlin didn't give Douxie the chance to even think about it. "Death."
"But I thought that shadowmancy wasn't inherently evil." Douxie said.
"Neither is death," Merlin pointed out. "It's frightening and sad, and completely unavoidable, but not evil. It's just inevitable, even for those who have magic. Do you remember what I told you about magic?" Merlin had told him a lot of things about magic. Douxie had no idea which he was talking about. "It's mastery over life. Shadow magic is the one exception. It's mastery over the unknown, which makes it a mastery over death, though not in the way that many people may hope for."
Merlin put his hand on Douxie's shoulders. "I have never met anybody, wizard or non-magical, who values life as much as you do. You have such a bright inner light. I'm not surprised that magic influenced by death and shadows doesn't come naturally to you."
"So...it's not because my magic wasn't strong enough?" Douxie asked, just to be sure.
"Your magic is plenty strong." Merlin said. "It's just far lighter than Morgana's magic, or even mine is." Merlin's hands fell from Douxie's shoulder. "Perhaps that's why it's so difficult for me to know how to teach you."
"But you will still teach me, right?" Douxie asked eagerly. He didn't want his master to give up on him.
"Of course," Merlin said. "But not tonight. It's late, and I'm going to need your help first thing in the morning. We need to find some dew bugs."
"Yes, Master," Douxie gave Merlin a very small smile. He hadn't gotten in trouble, and Merlin was going to be teaching him more magic. Douxie didn't think that his master was even disappointed in him. This was a better result than Douxie could have hoped for. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Hisirdoux," Merlin said in a surprisingly gentle tone. Douxie went into his quarters and set Archie on the bed. His familiar yawned and arched his back before lying down in the middle of the bed. Douxie had long since learned that Archie didn't like to be moved after he'd made himself comfortable, so he laid down awkwardly around him. Douxie smiled when Archie snuggled up against his chest.
He could still feel the lingering darkness in him, just strong enough to be noticeable. Still, even with the slight unease and anxiety, Douxie was more at peace and content than he'd been in two weeks. It took just a few minutes for Douxie to fall into a dreamless sleep.
A/N: In the show, Douxie tells Claire that he never really took to shadow magic, implying that he'd at least tried it. I doubt that Merlin would have been the one to teach him, so Morgana must have been the one to show him.
I felt like I had to come up with a proper explanation as to why Douxie couldn't do shadowmancy when magic in this universe seems to be something that anybody can be capable of, but especially for wizards.
Also, the way that I'm writing Merlin and Morgana I feel like they're acting like divorced parents who just can't agree on the way they should raise their kid.