Author's note: Fair warning: This chapter made me cry. It made my beta cry. I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Chapter 19

Rey put on her best smile for the dozens of flashing cameras. Everything was a whirlwind from the moment they landed in South Korea. They had to get their credentials and tour the facilities and move into the villa Kes rented. In Sochi, Rey had stayed in the Village; there was no way Kes would let them do that. Before they were even properly settled, the Opening Ceremonies were held. Rey got to see some of her teammates from Sochi; they didn't quite know what to make of Rey's switch to figure skating.

Needless to say, those conversations didn't last long.

Even now, Rey didn't regret any of the choices that led her here. She was back at the Olympics, something that seemed impossible two years ago. No matter what happened, she was glad she'd taken Leia up on her offer.

Poe fidgeted beside her. She caught him staring at her a lot; she had no idea why. It seemed like he had something to say, but they were never alone. There was no time, with them being pulled in a thousand directions. Frankly, Rey wasn't sure what she wanted. Her heart missed him so much, but those things he said…she'd cut him a lot of slack over the last two years. She was done.

If he wanted to fix things, then he needed to make the first move.

Poe clenched his fist; this was the last thing he wanted to be doing. It was hard to smile and pretend he was happy and excited to compete when things with Rey were so fractured. Unfortunately, he and Rey were a story. The former US champion paired with a hockey player? The media ate that up. They'd already done interviews with NBC and ESPN, along with several Canadian outlets. Leia was there for those; she was beloved in her home country.

He was heartily sick of all the attention. Still, it was his job to smile and answer the inane questions asked of him. This time to Poe's even greater annoyance, they were paired with Finn and Jannah. It took all of Poe's self-control not to glare daggers at the back of Finn's head. They didn't do anything wrong, he reminded himself. Rey can see whoever she wants. Unfortunately for Poe, his heart and his head were not in agreement on this subject.

"Opening Ceremonies, did you enjoy yourselves?" one of the reporters asked.

"Oh, it was great," Rey said, smiling.

"Cold and great," Finn agreed.

One of the Canadian reporters nodded toward Rey. "So, Rey, what's the difference between this and hockey?"

Poe knew she'd answered this question a million times already. He felt bad for her. She was a damn good figure skater. He wasn't surprised when she went for a joke. "The men, obviously." Everyone laughed; Poe's stomach twisted.

Another reporter—this one British—stepped up. "What's the feeling? Is everyone out for themselves, or is there a team spirit building?"

"Oh, we're definitely a team," Finn said.

"Definitely," Rey agreed. "There's a real sense of togetherness." God, Poe thought he might be sick. Togetherness? Who was she kidding? "Spirit."

"Yeah, spirit!" Finn cried. "Family. It's almost…almost…"

Poe finally had enough. "Orgasmic."

Everyone blinked. "What did he say?" one reporter asked. They never got an answer because at that precise moment Ren and Phasma walked into the room. The press turned almost en masse to get a quote from the Russian stars. Someone from Team USA asked them to stay, but Poe needed some air. Deep down, he knew he deserved this, but damn it hurt. He didn't know how much longer he could pretend that none of this bothered him. He wanted Rey to be happy, but he was selfish. He wanted her. He loved her so much, it was hard to breathe.

But he didn't deserve her because he completely fucked things up.

"Dameron! Dameron, wait up!"

Finn? What the hell could he want? Did he want to rub it in his face? Poe opened his mouth to snap, then promptly shut it. Speaking before thinking was what landed him in this mess. He needed to grow the fuck up and be better. "Yeah?"

Finn frowned. "You okay? You look…to be blunt, you look like hell."

"Thanks a lot. Though I'm not sure why you care."

Finn nodded. "You're right. I don't. But I do care about Rey."

"I noticed." He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Look, I'm sorry for…whatever I interrupted in San Jose. I needed to talk to Rey, but I was too late. That's on me."

Finn's brow furrowed. "Interrupted…nothing happened between me and Rey, Dameron."

Poe blinked. "What? But I thought…?" They were both in pajamas and talking about breakfast, he just assumed…what the hell had he done?

Finn crossed his arms over his chest. "You son of a bitch. I heard a door slam and saw Rey leaving your room. She looked upset. I went to see if she was okay, because…well, she's just nice, you know? Not many people like her in our sport." Poe nodded. Was it possible to feel like an even bigger asshole? "She needed a friend. We talked. And drank a little, but honestly, just talked. About you."

"Me?"

"I don't know exactly what you did but…"

"Believe me, I know I fucked up. In so many ways." He could hardly believe it. He'd jumped to conclusions and all it did was hurt them both. He was such a bastard. He didn't deserve a second chance, but now he had a tiny sliver of hope. He looked at Finn. "You might not believe me, but I'm glad you were there for her. I wish I had been."

Finn's features softened. He'd been pissed at Poe for hurting Rey, but he could see the pain and regret in the other man. Poe cared about her. "Just make me a promise."

"What?"

"You make it right."

Poe nodded. "I will."

Poe kept running the words through his head, trying to find the right ones. He desperately wanted to talk to Rey, but there was no time. After they finished with the press, they needed to start getting ready for their short program. It was like the universe was playing a cruel joke on him.

Poe took a dozen steadying breaths; he needed to focus. They needed to nail the short program just in case they needed to take the Organa out of their long program. Poe still wasn't convinced it was ready. They'd done it successfully in practice, but a vision of Rey crumpled on the ice with her head bleeding haunted his nightmares. He didn't know what he would do if he hurt her.

He'd already hurt her too much.

"Get it together," he hissed at himself. He marched out into the backstage area and went through his routine. He listened to music as he stretched; he kept looking around for Rey. But she was nowhere to be seen. Where was she? After forty-five minutes, he was really starting to worry. She showed up fifteen minutes before they were due to go on.

"Where the hell have you been?" Poe hissed.

"What, are you my keeper now?"

"No, Rey, but damn it, I was worried!"

"Sure you were."

Poe knew he deserved every bit of her anger and skepticism, but that didn't make it easier to take. He only hoped she'd give him a chance to apologize. He looked her over. To his shock, he spotted a bit of her underwear peeking out from under her costume. "Rey," he said cautiously. "Your whitewalls are showing."

She seemed completely unconcerned by this. "Are they?"

"Yes," Poe said, gritting his teeth. They didn't have time to play games. "Are you going to fix it?"

"My costume's just a little on the tight side, don't you think?"

Poe struggled to breathe. He didn't want to lose his temper, but she was testing him. "Why didn't you mention that sooner?"

"You're on," one of the production assistants announced.

Rey stepped onto the ice—panties still showing—leaving Poe behind. What the hell was she doing? He hurried after her. "Fix it," he hissed.

"No."

"No?" he screeched. "Have you lost your mind?"

She smirked at him. "You seem awfully obsessed with my ass."

They stood facing each other, both looking pissed. "Fix. It."

"No."

"Fix it!"

"Oh, too late. Now, skate."

Poe was helpless to do anything. The music started; they had no other choice. It was too late. They performed the program flawlessly, but Poe knew it didn't matter. Rey's little stunt would cost them dearly. Judges were sticklers for things like that. Costumes had to be impeccable. It was one of the reasons the Solo twins' costume choice at Nationals was so bizarre. It cost them a spot on the Olympic team! But that was an accident. Rey had done this on purpose.

Why?

Did she hate him that much?

They skated off the ice, not speaking. Poe didn't know what to say. He wanted to demand answers, but he was still too stunned. Unfortunately, there was a reporter in the box when they returned. "Hey Rey," the reporter asked, "we've been hearing all week about your new surprise move. What's it called?"

"The Organa," Rey said proudly.

"The Organa? Is that named after your coach?"

Poe finally found his voice. "We're not doing it," he announced. With Rey's stunt, they were fucked anyway. He wasn't putting her in danger, not if he could help it.

The reporter looked confused. Rey looked thunderous. "We're not doing it. I'm taking it out of the program, it's not ready."

"Rey?"

Poe didn't wait for her response; he left to the sound of their scores. He couldn't listen to their dreams being shattered. Not again.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Leia shouted.

Rey stood her ground. They were all back at the villa; everyone was pissed. Rey, Kes, and Leia were shouting, but Poe just sat at the end of the large wooden table looking stunned. "Me?" she demanded.

"Yes, you! What in the hell were you thinking of?" Kes cried.

"Why is this my fault?"

"You didn't deliver," Kes snapped. "What, do you want a pat on the back?"

"When did I become the designated asshole?"

"What happened?"

"Ask Captain Cold over there."

Kes didn't like that. "That's enough of that."

Rey couldn't believe this. "When you're done laying down the law, Kes, you can tell me why I spent five weeks on a move he was never gonna do!"

"You're out of line," Kes growled.

"I needed the gold medal!" she shouted. There was nothing else. She'd lost everything, most of all her heart. Getting that gold medal was the only thing keeping her there.

Leia shook her head. "Forget it."

Kes waved his hand for silence. "We can win without the move."

"Impossible," Leia retorted. Not without help. What Rey had done cost them valuable points. Not many, but enough. They were third right now, but trailing Ren and Phasma by a considerable margin.

Kes rounded on Leia. "Where the hell were you during all this?"

"Where was I? I was babysitting!"

Rey leaned over the table. "Loud and clear, people. Losing gracefully does nothing for me."

Kes wasn't impressed. "You should think about that in the future."

"Is that what you told Jannah in Sochi?" Poe's head shot up. "You can kid yourselves all you want about what happened. I've seen the footage. Jannah didn't cause that fall. Ask her, she'll tell you."

"Alright, Rey," Leia murmured trying to defuse the situation.

"Today, it's some panties. You people are all excuses. You want to point a finger…"

"You fucking bitch," Kes growled.

Rey wasn't intimidated. "Gotta find that go-to girl," she snarked. "You should have started with a go-to guy, Kes."

"That's it…" Kes snarled, standing up.

"She's right."

Everyone fell silent. "What?"

Poe looked like he was about to cry. "She's right. All of it. We worked so hard for two years and I…just went and threw it all away." God, it was such a relief to finally admit that out loud. He'd been carrying that in his soul for four years. He looked at Rey; a tear slid down his cheek. "Why did you stay with me?"

"Poe, don't," Kes said softly.

"Don't what? Tell the truth? We can't buy back what happened today. We can't start over. Do you think I look at myself…at what I've become…and do you think I'm proud?" He understood why Rey had done what she'd done. She'd seen the tapes. And everything between them was so awful, she wondered if he would do it to her. He'd played right into her fears by taking the Organa out of their program. He'd done it because he was genuinely afraid for her safety, but she didn't know that. She couldn't read his mind.

All of this was his fault.

"What do you want?" Kes asked.

"I don't know," Poe replied honestly. "I guess I would like to go back to the beginning and have you say, win or lose, I could just be your son." He looked to Rey. "You came every day and you skated. This must have been like a nightmare for you." He turned to Leia. "I didn't know it was gonna end up like this." His lip trembled. "I'm sorry." He turned back to Rey. He didn't bother to hide his tears. "I'm so sorry. For everything."

Rey struggled to swallow against the lump in her throat. She'd never seen Poe like this. Before she could muster a response, he left. She didn't know what to do. She was paralyzed. She'd been so angry, so afraid that Poe would betray her. He'd broken her heart, but she'd made things worse. Her desire to lash out at him and prove herself right might have cost them everything.

She wasn't thinking about medals, gold or otherwise.

"I'm taking a walk."

Rey grabbed her coat on the way out and just started walking. She didn't have a destination in mind. She needed to think. Poe thought the last two years were a nightmare for her? They'd gotten off to a rocky start and the last couple of months hadn't been great, but these were probably the best two years of her life. She found a sport she loved just as much as the one she lost. Poe was her best friend. Misunderstandings and fear led them here, she understood that now.

They'd both made mistakes.

Her feet took her into the Olympic Village; she looked around, but she didn't see anyone she knew. She didn't really want to talk to anyone. Not even Finn. International roaming didn't care that she was sad and depressed; her phone rang anyway. It was Rose. Her sister would just keep calling until she picked up. Rey found the Village canteen and sat at one of the small tables. "This isn't a good time, Rose."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Kes offered to bring the Tico sisters out to South Korea, but they declined. Not because they didn't want to support Rey, but because there would be no one to mind the bar. The place was hopping every time Rey competed on TV. The whole town turned out. Rey felt like she'd let them all down in an attempt to soothe her own ego.

"That just means you need to talk about it," Rose replied. "It's Poe, isn't it?" Rose knew all about the rollercoaster ride that was Rey's feelings for Poe Dameron. "Did he say something about what happened today? I swear, if he lashed out at you…it was an honest mistake."

"Rose, calm down. It wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose."

"Wait, you what? But on TV, they said…"

"Do the talking heads on TV ever know what they're talking about?" Rey twisted a lock of her hair around her finger. "I fucked up, Rosie. Poe and I fucked this all up and I…I don't know if we can fix it." She sniffed, tears choking her.

"Tell me everything. I feel very out of the loop."

It was long and hard, but Rey spilled the beans. Someone came along and brought her coffee. Rey accepted it gratefully. This wasn't like confessing to Finn. Rose knew her better than anyone. She knew Rey's track record with relationships, or rather, her lack thereof. Rey admitting that she loved Poe was a big deal.

"Do you still?" Rose asked gently. "Love him?"

Rey sighed. "I do. But we've hurt each other so much…"

"Does he know?"

"Know what?"

"That you love him, silly!"

"I've never told him. I mean, why would I? He was going to marry someone else. Then suddenly, he wasn't, and I didn't want to be some drunken rebound, Rose!"

"I'm not saying those weren't valid reasons, Rey, but it's been over a month. Maybe if you two had talked things out instead of stewing in your feelings…"

"I know. You're right. Guess I should have called my little sister sooner, huh?"

"Yes, you should have." Rose paused. "Are you ready for him to walk out of your life?"

Rey knew the answer. "No."

"Then you're gonna have to tell him. You're going to have to apologize and clear the air. Both of you."

"Thanks, Rose."

"Just don't forget that I called this. I called it from the very beginning!"

Rey finally smiled. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Poe sat on the ledge of his balcony, staring out into the night. He could make out the city below; he would have found it beautiful any other night. It was chilly, but he was wrapped up in the Gretzky sweater Rey had given him for Christmas. It was his strongest reminder of her. She'd given him one of her most prized possessions only a few months into their partnership. They still didn't even know each other that well. He should have known then. He should have realized they were more than just partners.

God, he had so many regrets.

He regretted not standing up to Kes more and fighting for the life he wanted. He regretted staying in a relationship that wasn't right for far too long. He regretted every harsh or unkind word he'd ever said to Rey. He regretted all their wasted time. If he hadn't been such an idiot, they could have been together. He regretted not trusting her the way he should have. He regretted not trusting his heart.

A tear slid down his cheek; he wiped it away. He held his mother's ring between his fingers, wondering if there was any hope. He'd caused Rey so much pain. Seeing him with Zorii must have been torture for her. Then he got drunk and hurt her again. He just kept hurting her. He didn't want that. He wanted to make her smile and laugh. He wanted to hold her hand and whisper how much he loved her in her ear. He wanted to hold her and never let go.

But how? How could she forgive him after all he'd done? He'd been mean and hurtful, afraid of how much she meant to him.

A gentle knock roused him from his self-recrimination. "Come in."

Leia stepped into the room and out onto the balcony. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head. "Not really."

Leia leaned against the stone rail. "No, I can't imagine you are."

"Am I a terrible person?"

The tremble in his voice broke Leia's heart. "Why would you even say that?"

"I just…hurt everyone around me. You, Zorii, Dad, Rey…god, the things I've said to her…" He buried his face in his arms. "I feel like a terrible person, Leia."

Leia quickly wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Poe leaned on her and cried. "Shhh," she soothed, rubbing his back. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

"How?"

Leia wiped the tears from his cheeks. "You are not a terrible person, Poe." He didn't look convinced. "If you were a terrible person, you would not be sitting out here alone in the cold beating yourself up." She touched his chin. "You've made some mistakes. You're young. Your father did the best he could, but there is so much of the world you've yet to experience."

"I wish my mom was here." He smiled at Leia. "But I'm glad you're here."

She hugged him tightly. "I am too."

"Rey must despise me."

Leia shook her head. "I've watched you over the last two years, Poe. She cares very deeply for you. She tried not to. But the real Poe, the one in here," she pointed at his chest, "is a good man. Do you think you can be that man for her?"

Poe nodded firmly. He wanted that, not just for Rey, but for himself. He didn't want to be the asshole everyone thought he was. He wanted to start fresh, with Rey at his side.

"You know what you have to do, don't you?"

"I do. Thanks, Leia."