New York-Pilar-Lake-Felix-Benji-Mia-Andrew-Armando and Isabel-Aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not lay claim to existing characters, familiar plot points, nor anything that may be considered intellectual property of the creators of Love, Victor or other content related to this story. I do not intend to use this story for commercial purposes, nor shall any other party be permitted to do so.

New York Part 2 – Bram:

Bram's Perspective

I'm incredibly lucky to have Simon in my life. I know that. I know that I'm incredibly lucky to have people all around me who support me and accept me for who I am. I also know that for some people, it's not that easy.

It wasn't always as easy for me as it might have been for some other people. Even Simon. He definitely went through some tough shit when he was forced to come out. But there are still some things that I had to face that he will never understand. I feared facing so much judgement from my own family and community that I wanted to stay in the closet as long as possible. That night when I met Simon on the Ferris wheel, I battled through so many mixed emotions about coming out. He was worth it, but he'll still never know what it's like to be a gay black man in the south. It's not easy. There just isn't a whole lot of room in the African American community for that kind of thing. I would say I'm lucky that my parents weren't super religious, but maybe that would have at least kept them from their divorce. Still, I was happy when I moved with my mom to Atlanta; there isn't much room in the rural south to be black.

Being a person of color is hard enough as it is in this country. Add being gay on top of that, and you're in for a wild ride. That's why when Victor reached out to Simon, I encouraged my boyfriend to help. When Simon showed me that first message, I somehow felt super connected to the kid, and I've never even spoken a word to him. The empathy I feel for him is greater than any that I've ever known, and I want to make sure that Simon and I do whatever we can to help him so that he can write the story for himself that he deserves.

Simon gets another message from Victor after responding. Victor tells Simon that he doesn't know what a love story looks like for him.

"Well," I suggest to Simon and our other friends who sit with us on our anniversary, "If we found our story, maybe we can help him find his."

"Let's do it," Simon replies. "Cheers to finding a great love story!"

We toast.

It gets late, and we go off to sleep. Simon and I have shared a bed ever since we moved into this apartment.

The next morning, Simon gets another message from Victor. Apparently, he rode the Ferris wheel with some girl at his school named Mia. As Simon and I both know, the Ferris wheel is a place where magical things happen. He's popular now? That was quick. It's not entirely dissimilar to my story, though.

People tended to like me in high school. It wasn't because I liked a girl; it was because I was an athlete. I enjoyed playing soccer, and it helped me expand my social circle, too. I even knew Simon before we started secretly messaging because he was friends with Nick, who was on the team. Being in the public eye made it harder for me to come out, though. I figured that even though it was nobody's business, everyone else would make it their business because of how many people knew who I was.

Simon lets Victor know that he needs to stay true to himself. I wish someone older and wiser had given me that advice when I was younger. I tried so hard to fit in, even when I was already popular. I just did so much extra crap, hosting parties and stuff.

Victor replies to Simon with an interesting message.

Victor:

Hey Simon,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. All day everyone liked me because they thought I liked Mia. Here's the twist. Now that I've spent some time with her, I do like her. She's funny and kind, and she gets me. Did you ever feel super connected to a girl and think 'I don't know, maybe this could work'?

"This one looks like it's in your department, Bram," Simon says to me.

As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. The memory comes flooding back.

I haven't talked much to Emily since the impending fate of figuring out my sexuality has entered my mind once again. She's one of my best friends. I know she'd understand, but I'm still not even sure if I do. There are a lot of people around me in my life, but she's the only one who truly gets me. I think she understands me better than I understand myself.

What if I don't need to come out to her, though? I feel so close to her. Maybe I just haven't found the right girl yet. I mean, she's a pretty girl. It's crazy to think that I'm a junior in high school, and I've never dated anyone. Does that have anything to do with my confusion? I mean, sure, I find Jon Snow attractive. But am I attracted to him? Maybe it really is that emotional connection that I need to fulfill. Maybe Emily is that person.

She approaches me after not having spoken with me in a few days.

"Hey," she says comfortingly, "Are you okay? We haven't really talked much, and I don't really think you're the quiet type."

"Um," I have no idea what I'm going to say to her. I don't want to come out. I don't even know exactly what I am. What am I supposed to say to my best friend? I admit to her, "I've just been a little nervous to talk to you. About something that's been on my mind lately."

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" she says.

"Yeah, um," I say. What comes next isn't what should come out at all, "I think I might have feelings for you."

Why did I do that? Why did I just tell my best friend that I like her? Did I just make our friendship awkward when I don't even know what I want? I'm not even sure if I really do have feelings for her.

Before my thoughts carry too far, she says, "I thought you'd never admit it!"

Hm. Alright. That was unexpected. But maybe it's…welcome?

The situation is tense for a moment, but she breaks it.

"Well," she says, admitting, "I've felt the same way about you for some time now."

I let out a relieved chuckle. I'm not even sure whether I should be relieved or not. But we are close. I feel more connected to her than anyone else I've ever known. I don't know. Maybe it could work.

"Then should we go on a date and make it official?" I say, now not really knowing what I'm doing.

She laughs, "Let's go on a date and then we can decide if we want to make it official."

We spend a nice evening together, complimenting each other and schmoozing with each other unlike we ever have before. It's kind of awkward, but it also feels kind of good.

"So," she asks suggestively, "Do you want to ask me anything?"

"What am I supposed to ask?" I ask in a hilarious confusion.

"If I'll be your girlfriend," she laughs at me as if it should have been obvious.

Girlfriend. That word has an interesting ring to it. I can't tell whether I like it or not. But that's what we're here for, right? I wanted to try out a relationship with her to see if it could work. So I guess she's my girlfriend.

"Well," I laugh back, "will you?"

"Yes," she says sweetly.

Before I can say anything else, to my surprise, she leans across the table of the restaurant where we're sitting, and she kisses me. Also to my surprise, I don't hate it. I'm not grossed out by the idea of kissing a girl. It actually feels kind of nice.

After our first date, Emily and I spend the next few weeks feeling out our relationship. It's a little awkward at first, but we end up figuring out that we don't need to change very much from when we interacted just as friends. We're already super close and connected. Now we just get to brag about being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

I decide to sleep on a response to give to Simon. I want to make sure I carefully handle a delicate situation like this one. I don't want to assume that Victor is something that he is not. He seems like he hasn't figured himself out yet. That's okay; I just don't want to pressure him, so I need to figure out the right thing to say before I do say it.

In the morning, though, Simon shows me another message that he receives from Victor.

Victor:

Well Simon, I don't know what's going on. Because I thought I might be like you. But lately I've been hanging out with Mia, and I really like her. Which is confusing. So I've been doing research. Like, a lot of research.

And sexuality is a spectrum. Some guys like guys, some guys like girls, some guys like both, and some guys like…feet? I'm not even sure what I like, but it's definitely not feet. So I think I'm going to give things with Mia a chance.

I feel really connected to her. And who knows? I didn't think I was going to like the impossible burger until I had one, and it was actually pretty good. So maybe Mia's my impossible burger.

I know that feeling all too well. I've been down that rabbit hole before. I'm actually kind of surprised that the only odd fetish that Victor encountered while doing his "research" was feet. The internet is quite broad, and I definitely found some much more interesting things.

Victor's uncertainty in this situation feeds into mine. Now I'm even less sure of what to say to him. The most brutal truth is that he just needs to take some time and figure out what he wants. But he knows that already. Telling him that isn't going to make his life any easier or make his response to his own feelings any better. It's hard to figure yourself out.

"Let's wait and see what happens," I say to Simon.

"Are you sure?" he replies.

"Yeah," I confirm, albeit a bit hesitantly, "I don't want to force anything on him. Let's just see how he feels after he spends some more time with her."

Simon agrees.

"I thought we were perfect together," Emily says as tears flow down her face after I tell her the news.

I don't even know what to say to her. I can't tell her the truth. I'm just not ready for her or anyone else to know it yet. But I can't keep denying this. We've been so off, and I know the reason why. It's not fair for me to keep this going when I know it won't work.

"Maybe we were just meant to be friends," I say, trying to get her to look me in the eye again.

"I don't know, Bram," she struggles to get the words out. "I've liked you for a longer time than we've been just friends. Maybe we weren't meant to be anything."

I hate the fact that I hurt her. I hate how screwed up this is. I wish I had never asked her out. Then all of this could have been avoided.

"I'm sorry," I try to say to her. "I do like you, just not in that way."

She rolls her eyes. "Then why did you ask me out in the first place?"

"It's complicated," is as much as I'm willing to admit.

"How?"

"It just is," I say, not wanting to be any more specific. "I just – there are reasons that – that you just wouldn't understand."

"Bram, I'm just asking you to be honest with me. Why can't you just tell me?"

"Like I said, it's complicated," I exhale. Not telling her the truth is eating me alive, but I can't.

"Well, if you won't tell me what's going on, then I don't think we can be friends." Before I have the chance to say anything else, Emily storms off.

Why does figuring out who I am have to come with so much heartbreak? Why can't it just be easy?

I get home and reflect on losing my best friend. I reflect on the fact that I have so much going for me. I reflect on my life as someone whose parents' divorce wasn't as hard on me as it is on most kids. I reflect on the house I live in. I reflect on all of the friends that I do have that I haven't dated in denial of my sexuality. I reflect on my secret and the fact that I feel like the direction of my life can't go down anymore, even though so many things go my way. It's like a see-saw, back and forth.

No. It's like a Ferris wheel.

As I reflect, I want to get the pain off my chest to someone. I can't hold this in any longer, but I still don't want anyone to know.

In the wake of my breakup, I finally decide to say something. Anonymously.

I open Creek Secrets, and I make an account under a fake name – Blue. I make my profile picture a blue square.

I start to type:

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world the next I'm at rock bottom. Over and over, all day long. Because a lot about life is great. But nobody knows I'm gay.

-Blue

A couple of days later, Simon comes to me with another message from Victor.

"I feel like this seems a little off," he says, showing me the message.

Victor:

Well Simon, I kissed Mia, and it was great. I even got those little butterflies in my stomach people are always talking about.

"Well, it seems like he does like her," I say. "Maybe he's not gay like we thought."

"What?" Simon asks in confusion. He then realizes what I'm referring to. "No, Bram. Read the message before that."

Victor:

…See Simon, I want tomorrow night to be about me and Mia. But I can't do that if Benji's there with his tight t-shirts and his dumb smile.

Benji? Who is that?

"Yeah, we definitely need to say something," I concede to Simon.

"But what do we say?"

I remember how I felt the night that I kissed Simon. It was like my world exploded into a burst of colors. It felt right. Butterflies? Maybe my first kiss with Emily. I did kind of like kissing her. But kissing Simon was so much more than that. I couldn't get enough of it. And I still can't.

"Give me your phone," I tell Simon.

He looks at me.

"Trust me," I assure him, "I know what to say."

Simon gives me his phone, and I write the next message to Victor. I still don't want to come to a conclusion about him that he hasn't drawn about himself yet. But maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him a little nudge to really figure out his feelings. I write:

Simon:

Well, Victor, I'm really glad to hear that you liked kissing Mia. Maybe she is your "impossible burger." And you're right, kissing is pretty great. But for me, it's more than just butterflies. It's like those jet fighters that fly over the Super Bowl. Or like getting hit by a huge wave.

Love, Bram

I show it to Simon.

"Maybe don't sign it?" he asks.

"Why not?"

"I think he thinks that this is all coming from me. I want him to trust me so that the advice we're giving him actually still means something. I didn't think about it the other night when he first messaged me, but if he's not out, he probably cares about confidentiality."

He's right. To protect the trust, I erase my name from the message. I don't sign. I hit send.