A/N: Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts and self harm
Disclaimer: I do not own the show or any of its characters
1
Dear Mads
Please try not to hate me for what I am now going to do. It is my hope that you will one day come to understand and to forgive me. I know that this is going to be hard on you, and you will probably try and blame yourself, or get angry with the world and start shutting people out… please don't. I know that what I am about to do is stupid and selfiss, so if you need to be angry with someone, be angry with me.
I know that you will probably feel alone, but you're not. I know the rest of the 118 will take good care of you, especially Chimney. He is a good guy Mads and I know that you see it too. If it's because you are afraid of getting hurt again, don't, he loves you and you love him and that's my only comfort in all this knowing that you will still have someone to thresh and to hold, to love and to cherish, through sickness and health, until death do you part. I hope you see what I did there, I hope it will at least bring a little smile to your face while reading this, cause I want you to smile, I want you to find happiness again, without me holding you back, so please Mads go and be happy, be with Chimney, and don't cry for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from Doug back then, and I'm sorry I'm gonna hurt you like this now, but I can't go on anymore.
I love you Mads
Goodbye
2
Dear Chimney
I know Mads is going to need you know, heck you're probably the first person she is going to call right after dispatching help, afraid of what they are going to find, needing comfort and love, now more than ever. Please be there for her, even when she gets angry with the world and starts pushing everyone away, please be there, she needs you probably more than she even realises.
Things haven't been the same for a while. I don't know if the accident was when it started, or maybe when Abby left for Europe. There was nothing any of you could have done, this is just something I needed to do, to make it all stop. Please understand, at least try.
You were always a good friend for me, but ever since my mistake with the lawsuit, I have felt more alone than ever, and I don't blame any of you for that, I understand why you all ghosted me, now I am even ghosting myself.
Goodbye
3
Dear Hen
I will miss you, and I hope that you will understand with time. Being isolated from the rest of you, my 118 family has been hard. I know it is completely my own fault, but still it hurts. I know that I have betrayed everyone when I sued the captain, I was just hurt and I missed my family ever so terribly, but as soon as it was done I realised what a mistake I had made, and that instead of it helping me to return home, it only put more miles to the distance.
I don't know why I always have to make it harder for myself and everyone else, maybe what I'm going to do now will at least take away some of the hurt I have cost.
You are the heart of 118. Everyone's mother hen. You are always trying to take care of everyone else. I know that probably no one at the station is going to mourn me, not after the betrayal I made, but if there for some weird should be anyone, I know that they will be in good hands with you, I know you won't let my memory destroy the 118 family.
Goodbye
4
Dear Eddie (and Christopher)
I'm sorry. If there is anyone in this world I'm gonna miss the most, along from Maddie of course, it will be the two of you. Maddie is my sister, she is the family that binds me by blood, the 118 was the family that bound me by trial of fire, but you two are the family that binds me by love, cause Eddie I love you and I adore your son, and what hurts me the most is that when that tsunami hit, I weren't enough to keep Christopher safe, more than any of the mistakes I have made, that one is the one that hurts the most, because Eddie, I saw the pain I caused in your eyes that day, when you saw Christophers glasses around my neck, and you knew that I hadn't been able to keep your son safe, and now he was lost in a tsunami. I know it only lasted a few seconds, before you found Chris, in all the madness and chaos you found him safe and sound, and I look only to realize that while I had spent hours searching, you were able to locate him in an instant, you probably would have never lost him in the first place, you probably would have been able to keep him safe in the first place, never needing to have to worry about losing him in that tsunami, because you probably wouldn't have been near it with him in the first place, because you would have known and I didn't, and now I can barely look at any of you, knowing that his nightmares and all the pain in your family is because of me. Maybe it would have been better had I just disappeared in that tsunami.
Goodbye and thank you for everything
5
Dear Cap (I didn't really know what to call you to be honest, Bobby just sounded disrespectful, especially now, and Captain Nash seemed to formal, like that just wouldn't be me if you know what I mean)
I can't even begin to apologize to you. You were only ever like a father for me, a hell of a lot better than the one I got stuck with growing up, Maddie was always the one that made it bearable growing up, you were the one that made life bearable once I did. You probably gave me more chances than I ever deserved, thank you for that. You were only ever like a father for me, and how do I repay you, by suing you for just doing your job, protecting the 118 and protecting me from myself, I'm sorry I wouldn't let you protect me from what I am about to do now, please know that no one could have prevented this.
I know I can never make up for what I have done, but please know this, I have withdrawn my lawsuit, I know that it doesn't change what I did, and it probably doesn't change how you think and feel about me now, how they all think and feel about me now, but please know that if I could have change what I did, I would have in a heartbeat.
Goodbye
Buck
6
Dear Athena
Wow I think you are the only one whose actual name I'm using, I meen Mads, Chimney, Hen, Eddie and Cap ain't exactly their names, just nicknames, but I didn't have a nickname for you, don't think you ever gotten one, not that I know of anyway, I know i'm getting of track here, guess after having written so many messages I'm actually starting to get a little scared about what I'm about to do, having second thoughts, but I can't, I have to do this, this is the only way things for the rest of you will ever get any better. Maybe everything would have been better of, had I just stayed fired back the very first time, back when I was wreckless and stupid, not that much have change in that department, but still.
And look at what I'm putting your family through, what I have been putting them through, I don't deserve any of you, all I do is cause pain and wreckage. I'm sorry, I really truly hole heartedly am, please forgive me.
Goodbye
Buck
He looked again at each message before pushing send, he knew that he had to send them all a message at the same time, otherwise they would have time to try and stop him, and he didn't want that. As soon as he saw that every message had been sent, he turned off the phone so they couldn't try and talk him out of this, or second guess his own decision, this is what had to be done, so that he couldn't hurt any of them anymore. He put his phone on the table and walked out of the door, guess it didn't really matter if the phone had been on or not since he weren't bringing it anyway, but he just shrugged at the thought while closing the door, not bothering to lock it, it didn't matter anyway he weren't coming back.