We join Groose as he is moments away from facing Kikwitron. They've just been staring at each other and grunting for the last few minutes, so hang on, they'll start any minute now.
"rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!..."
Groose was powering up. Lightning bolts shot from his body as he cried out from the core of his soul, tapping into the power of his ancestors. It was getting real... until he noticed it was such a fine day out. A fine day for...
"Who's up for some golf?"
What? seriously?! Groose, you need to deal with- ah hell, I'm in. I wanna try out my new sand wedge anyway.
As Groose and I were playing golf, Kikwitron stood in confusion... and in awe at Groose's amazing drive. While I was fishing my ball out of the water, Groose took his next swing...
*WHACK!*
...straight at Machi who had been off guard.
Machi fell off the top of Kikwitron, leaving the formation headless and out of control. Unable to receive any commands from the top, the cluster of confused Kikwi then formed a ball, rolling towards Groose, ready to crush him.
It was just then that Midna reappeared.
"Ugh... do I HAVE to do everything for you?"
Midna was too distracted with her complaining to notice that she was in Kikwitron's path and was thus crushed like a college student's dreams. Groose was prepared, though. He reached out, and with his amazing strength, slowed the mass to a stop and tossed it aside. Kikwitron broke up when it hit the cliffside.
Bucha then sprung into action.
"This ends now!" He shouted.
Bucha entered a sumo wrestler stance. Unfortunately for him, Groose was a black belt in sumo wrestling and was by no means threatened. After a quick match, Groose toppled his opponent with rather disappointing ease. Bucha rose and admitted defeat.
"I yield! I yield! You have proven too powerful for us Kikwi..."
After retrieving his sword from the ground, Groose sheathed it for stylistic effect and turned to the fallen Kikwi.
"Arise, those of you who are still able, you will now hear from your new master!"
Groose noticed that only about ten of them got up, the rest were still unconscious or dead from the impact.
"Ah, well I wanted you to erect a statue in my honor, but that'll have to wait. For now, release my friends!"
Cawlin and Strich, now freed, once again bowed before Groose.
"Thank you, master. We are not strong without you!"
Midna then got up as well.
"Hee hee hee, did you think I died?" She giggled.
"Hmm, yes I did, actually." Said Groose, not really caring.
"Well, since I saved your friends for you, I will be your new master from now on. As my servant, you will collect the Fused Shadows for me, I won't tell you why unless you are useful to me..."
Midna kept going on, not noticing that the gang had already moved on.
MEANWHILE...
After informing Groose of Cawlin and Strich's location earlier that morning, Fi took off on her own to find Zelda before it was too late. A three hour search through the treacherous, war torn landscape came to an end when her trail led her to a rather inconspicuous looking cave. The only remarkable feature it sported was a nearby sign that read:
"THIS IS GHIRAHIM'S LAIR. ANY FURTHER VANDALS WILL BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP ANY DAMAGES!"
Feeling that such a penalty was not worth the laughs, Fi set her eggs and spray paint and strode for the entrance. Once she had crossed into the pitch black, Fi could feel the dark energy immediately intensify; it was a similar sensation to leaving the air conditioned comfort of your home and into a humid summer day.
Along the way, she was startled by Link who was approaching from the darkness with an annoyed expression.
"Mr. Link!" She gasped "I am pleased to see you are okay! Please remain with the group from now on, you could have gotten injured in there!"
Link ignored her lecture and continued walking, only to stop in his tracks once he passed her.
"Do you know where the others are?" He plainly asked.
"Why yes, Master Groose is currently at the Kikwi Tribe's encampment. Though his business there should already be finished by now..."
With a faint grin, Link continued on his way for the exit.
"Wait Link," Fi called "I feel Zelda's presence in this cave, have you seen her?"
"Yes, she's fine-"
*BOOM!*
Before Fi could ask any other questions, a small section of the ceiling caved in, giving way for Pipit to fall through.
"I got you now, Link!" He exclaimed.
Fi and Link immediately kicked it into high gear as Pipit bolted in their direction. They were lucky that he ending up blocking the inner passage rather than the exit, allowing them to run into the openness of the well lit forest.
"Split up!" Link shouted as he made a hard turn to the right.
Getting the notion that the two were not going to be working together, Fi responded by flying upwards, which only encouraged Pipit to focus his pursuit on Link.
"Uhhh... On second thought, we'd better stick together!"
With no other options left, Link continued running as fast as he could to evade the lunatic giving chase. He was already feeling like collapsing and passing out; even the adrenaline rushing through him wasn't enough to stop him from slowing down due to pure exhaustion.
"I'm...not... telling you... anything... until I... speak... with my lawyer!" He shouted back to the ever closening sirens.
"WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO"
Pipit was barely at an arm's length away from his prey when the two reached a steep downhill grade. When all seemed lost for our hero, a sudden spark of inspiration gave him an idea.
(By jove! A sudden spark of inspiration has given me an idea!)
Link leaped to the side and grabbed onto a tree just as Pipt lunged forward, causing the maniac knight to miss his target and tumble down the hill and disappear into the foliage below.
"WEEEOOOEEEOOO- OOF! WOOOOOOOAAAAAH!"
Link watched until Pipit had rolled out of sight before he finally rested his back on the tree. When relief finally kicked in, Link felt as if his chest was being crushed by a hydraulic press. He never thought he would be happy to see Fi until he saw her descend from the canopy.
"Mr. Link!" She said "Are you injured?"
"I don't... *cough* think so..."
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, BUSTER!"
Our two heroes threw their hands into the air at the sight of Pipit returning, this time with a gun.
"WHO EVER GAVE THIS FUCKING HALF-WIT A GUN!" Fi shouted, finally breaking her serene monotony.
With their celebration cut short, Link surrendered; he had already overworked his body twice recently, and he was not prepared for a third chase.
"You're going away for a looooooooong time, pal. Aaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa..." Strich laughed in triumph.
WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOEEEEEOOOOOOOO
Like clockwork, sirens began blaring in the distance. ...except... in the distance?
"Uh-oh, it's the REAL Skyloft police!" Pipit gasped.
Two kyloft knights on Loftwings flew down on Pipit. One dismounted and restrained Pipit while the other calmly approached the confused second party.
"I'm sorry if this man was bothering you." He said. "See, Pipit has been harassing Skyloft citizens for years, thinking he's one of us. But thanks to an incident at the Lumpy Pumpkin, we finally have the clearance we need to take him in."
"NOOOOO! I'M NOT GOING BACK! I CAN'T GO BACK! NOOOOOO!"
Fi and Link watched in disbelief as the officers took Pipit away. After a while Fi broke the silence.
"I'll go find Zelda, inform the others as soon as you're able." She said as flew away.
KIKWI FOREST
Groose, Strich, and Cawlin were laying out the blueprints containing the dimensions and references necessary for their monuments. The statue of Groose was to be made of pure gold with rubies encrusting the pompadour while those of Cawlin and Strich were to be made with silver and brass. A fourth statue was to be constructed as well, but nobody knew whom it depicted; for it was to be made in the likeness of a ruler who has not yet come.
"Hey guys!" Called Link from the distance.
Link ran up to his three, erm... friends once he spotted them. Cawlin and Strich rolled their eyes while Groose looked on in pity; the little twink was struggling to breathe after only running about a race track's length.
"You shouldn't have been sleeping through PE, twerp." Said Groose "Now what's so important?"
Link took a moment to catch his breath. "You know I have a heart condition, you dick." He then shot back.
Groose waited for his rival to finish collecting himself; patiently of course, since he was indeed aware of Link's handicap. In fact, he actually caught himself wondering if it was really okay to mock Link over a hereditary ailment. But then again when you make fun of this man's pompadour, it's anything goes.
"Anyway..." Link wheezed "When I got separated from you and the rest of the crew, I met this... guy in the woods. His name's Garo...Lynn or something like that. Well, he and his master are out to colonize this forest too."
"A competitor!" Groose exclaimed with fire in his eyes.
"Well here's the thing." Link continued "He wants us to all meet him in his cave; apparently, he's heard of your exploits and wants to do business with you."
"Doesn't sound like a trap, not at all." Strich cut in.
Groose motioned for Strich to be silent as he began to think; he was not expecting a rival, but was certainly relieved to see that his conquest of the Earth would not be so easy. With this new game changer in mind, the neurons in his brain moved rapidly as he carefully weighed his every option, as well as every possible outcome regarding his next decision. In the end, while he did understand Strich's concern, Groose made his choice.
"Then let us be on our way! Let's get this parlay... underway!"
Link was a little shocked by Groose's quick response; it had only been about 2 seconds until he was leading the other three back to the cave from which he came.
GHIRAHIM'S LAIR
Fi was navigating through the dark corridors of Ghirahim's home. It was rather distastefully decorated; horrible placement of ornaments and furniture, clashing colors, and she was sure that Ghirahim couldn't make up his mind on which century this interior was supposed to resemble. She just couldn't wait to hear him explain that it was supposed to be "ironic."
Once she reached what what seemed to be the inner sanctum, Fi came across Zelda's body, which was placed on an altar. As Fi suspected, Zelda was alive, but unconscious; it looked like a hasty healing spell had been done on her body in order to accelerate her recovery.
"What are you up to this time, Ghirahim..." She muttered.
Fi then called upon the goddess Hylia herself, raising her hands into the air.
"Your Grace." Fi said "I have found Zelda, princess of Destiny. Our hero will be arriving to vanquish Ghirahim soon."
"Ugh, really?! I had to pause my show for this?"
Before she knew it, Fi was in the company of a tall, slender and radiant woman adorned with shining jewelry and smooth, wavy strawberry blond hair, which the goddess took much pride in. Her beautiful facade however, was tarnished by a very pissed off look on her unblemished remembered she wasn't supposed to contact Hylia during this time of the day; Hylia was always busy watching her angsty teen soap operas.
"Oh! Umm... my apologies, Your Grace, I-I must've misread the time-"
"Yeah yeah, whatever, just get it done." Hylia said, even more annoyed now.
As Hylia disappeared, Fi was left alone for a while to mutter cartoonish profanities to herself in the frustration one usually feels after speaking to their boss.
"Warcha... Frikkah... Mrmph Mrmph..."
While our disgruntled heroine was occupied with her G-rated swearing, someone else had entered the room with her. Fi had nearly walked into her unexpected visitor by the time she noticed him.
"Hello stranger, I don't recall inviting you..."
Fi recognized him though. "Ghirahim! We meet again! And I must say, you have rather poor taste in decor."
Ghirahim was taken aback by such an impudent comment; After all, he was given a bachelor's degree in interior design and art theory at his local community college, what does she know?
"It's SUPPOSED to be ironic." Ghirahim retaliated, making Fi cringe.
Just then, a disembodied voice called out...
"HEY! WILL YOU SHUT UP DOWN THERE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"
It was Demise, the Great King of Jerks himself. After being vanquished by Hylia, he managed to return to Hyrule. Of course, since he was undead, he didn't really need to sleep, he actually never did sleep. Really he just needed an excuse to get a few hours of quiet time from his annoying minion.
"My apologies, master." Ghirahim said. "I've merely been dealing with this intruder who... Oh hey now that you're up, I need you to review our weekly balances! I'd do it myself, but I don't have the password to-"
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ..."
Demise then started snoring, pretending to have gone back to sleep.
"Master? Maaaaaasteeeer wakey wakey!" Ghirahim sang, almost as if torturing his boss on purpose.
Records show that those who have survived Ghirahim's irritating chanting would say that such a screech could wake one up from a coma... because it just did.
It woke Zelda.
"Maaaaaaaassssssssteeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I HAVE A MIGRAINE!" Zelda screamed, clutching her head.
Fi rushed over to her. "Princess Zelda, thank goodness you are awake! Hurry, we must leave immediately!"
"Who the hell are you?!" Said Zelda. "I'm not a princess."
"I'll explain later, but we must get out of here before-"
Unfortunately, it was too late. Ghirahim noticed their attempt to escape and teleported in front of them.
"You will not escape so easily! I have a purpose for you, Zelda." "As for you, Navi, you will die here!"
Ghirahim pulled off one of his rubber Band-Nobody-Ever-Heard-Of bracelets and fired it at Mach 10 right towards Fi, going straight through her chest and out. Fortunately, none of her vital organs were harmed, unless you count her heart, in which case she's screwed.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! RANDOM FAIRY GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL!" Zelda screamed.