AU! Muggle.
Written for Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House: Thunderbird
Class: Career Planning
Task: 2. Auror/Policeman: criminal au
Word Count: 1882/4500
A Criminal And A Cactus
The man stiffened, but he didn't turn around. He quickly grabbed the nearest item — a toy cactus — and threw it over his shoulder in her direction. The cactus bounced off the window and fell to the ground.
Hermione blinked slowly and called out, "Did you just… throw a cactus at me? I'm not even inside the store!"
Hermione sighed and nodded. "All right, Luna, don't cry. I'll go out and buy you some chocolate, okay?"
Luna sniffled, her nose red and cheeks wet, and called out, "Bring me some Oreos, too! Ooh, and some noodles!"
Hermione groaned and said, "Fine! Anything else? I'm not going to go back to the supermarket for this. It's three in the morning! At this time, normal humans are fast asleep."
Luna's lip jutted out in a forlorn pout. "Ron just cheated on me, Hermione… I just thought… because you're my best friend, you'd support me through this."
Hermione picked up the nearest cushion and smacked Luna with it. "Hey, don't try that with me, Lu. You know I'm immune to your charms."
Luna grumbled but said, "Please, Hermione, I'll be so grateful to you."
At her insistence, Hermione pulled on her jacket and shoes and walked to the door. "Are you sure you don't want anything else, Lu?"
"No, I'm go—Oh, wait! If you find some of those sour sweets, get those, too!"
Hermione rolled her eyes but nodded, and then, she turned around and left. She yawned as she walked down the stairs and out of the building. Calculating the shortest route to the supermarket, Hermione pushed her hands into her pockets and walked towards the small park on the corner of the road.
Glancing up at the moon, she wondered why Ron had cheated on her best friend. She knew he loved her, but what could have possessed him to do something like that? She was lost in her thoughts for a while, but then, a slight noise startled her.
She checked her pockets for something to defend herself with, but she didn't have anything on her. She whirled around, ready to punch whoever it was, but there wasn't anyone behind her. She frowned as she looked around, terror rising in her chest. All sorts of negative thoughts began to course through her mind, and she cursed herself for not having taken any self-defence classes.
Her eyes landed on a small shop — Lupin's Literature And Coffeehouse — a few feet away from her, and she realized the sound had come from inside. She inched closer to the shop window and peeked inside.
A man, dressed all in black, was crouched in between two of the shelves in the shop, and Hermione instantly assumed he was stealing something. She was scared that the man might have a gun, but it was her duty as a law-abiding citizen to help out when she could. She blurted out, "Stop right there, or I'll call the police!"
The man stiffened, but he didn't turn around. He quickly grabbed the nearest item — a toy cactus — and threw it over his shoulder in her direction. The cactus bounced off the window and fell to the ground.
Hermione blinked slowly and called out, "Did you just… throw a cactus at me? I'm not even inside the store!"
Finally, the man turned around and looked at her. He had a black mask over his face, but he hadn't bothered covering his messy black hair. He tried to glare at her, but now that he had done something so stupid as throwing a toy at her, Hermione wasn't scared of him at all. "If you dare tell anyone you saw me here, I'll—"
"You'll what? Throw another cactus at me?" Hermione asked, her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter.
The man scowled and rushed towards the door, and before Hermione could react, he grabbed her arm and yanked her inside. He slammed her against the wall, and Hermione gasped. He hissed, "Don't dare tell anyone I was here, or I'll find you and make you wish—"
Hermione had never been able to stay quiet, and when she heard his threatening tone, she interrupted him. "Wish I'd never seen you before? Good luck with that, mister, because I don't think I'll ever forget someone actually threw a cactus at me. I mean, you could have thrown something else. Like… those flowers? Or that fluffy little cushion on the couch?"
The man groaned and dropped his chin to his chest in embarrassment. "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"
"Nope. Now, unhand me so I can report this to the police," Hermione said in a bossy tone, and the man grimaced.
He thought for a few moments before he said, "Well, then, you leave me no choice…"
Hermione frowned, confused by his words, and asked, "What are you talking about? You obviously don't have any weapon on you — or else you'd have used it on me by now."
The man took a deep breath and tugged his mask down, his hazel-brown eyes gazing straight into her own. He placed his hand right above her head and leaned closer to her. "Hey," he drawled, his voice suddenly low in pitch, "how you doing?"
Hermione was bewildered by his sudden change in demeanour for a few moments. What's he playing at? Why's he looking at me like that? Wait, did he just wink at me? "What are you doing?"
The man gasped. "What? It didn't work on you? Don't you think I'm handsome? My smirk works on every woman!"
"Did your mother tell you that?"
"What? No! Ugh, you're so different!" The man's lower lip jutted out petulantly, and Hermione had to silently admit that he was cute.
"You don't look like a professional criminal," she said, tilting her head back to squint at him.
"I'm sorry," he said with annoyance colouring his tone. "Let me just make myself look like Hannibal Lecter or something."
Hermione rolled her eyes at his sass. "I meant you're obviously not a professional criminal, so why are you doing this?"
"Oh, you want to know why I'm stealing! Love, why don't I treat you to an ice cream first?"
"In the middle of December? You're out of your mind! Now, let me go!" She tried to shove him away, but he didn't budge from his spot. "I'll call the police."
The man quickly thought and said, "How about I pay you to be quiet?"
"Do you think you can bribe me? Who do you think I am? I won't stay silent on this!" Hermione was aghast the man had dared to think of bribing her.
"Uhh, how about I give you a gold necklace? Or maybe you're into pearl necklaces?" The man had a lewd smirk on his face, and Hermione gasped, slapping his chest. He was taller than her by at least a foot, and his chest was the closest thing to her. "Okay, kitten, calm down. How about you come with me and I'll buy you something, okay?"
"I cannot be bribed, mister!" Hermione poked her finger at his chest, silently wondering what she had gotten herself into.
The man looked around, and suddenly, his eyes lit up. "Are you into books? You look like one of those sexy bookworms," he said, rushing over to the shelf and picking up the first book he could find. "Do you want this one?"
Secretly, Hermione was amused at his panic, but she didn't let it show on her face. She shook her head when she saw the title and said, "No, I already have that."
"Okay, what about this? This? Or this one?" James asked, grabbing the books from the shelf and waving them at her. Hermione pursed her lips to hide her grin and shook her head.
When the man picked up a book with a purple binding and waved it at her, Hermione's eyes almost popped out of her head. "They've got that book? I've been looking everywhere for it!" she cried, rushing towards the man.
He quickly held the book over her head and smirked. "Do you want it, love?"
"Stop calling me that, and…" she trailed off when she saw the devious glint in his eyes. "I… won't be bribed."
"Are you sure?" he taunted her by dangling the book in front of her face and pulling it away when she tried to reach for it. "Uh-uh-uh, nope. Promise me you'll keep this thing to yourself, or else…"
"Or else?"
"I'll burn this book right now."
Hermione gasped at the thought of the book being defaced. She'd looked for She-Wolves: The Women Who Ruled England Before Elizabeth in every bookstore, but it had always been out of stock. "You wouldn't!"
"Love, I don't have much time. I need to grab these things and get out of here. So, do you want this book or not? Tick, tock," the man drawled, slowly dangling the book in front of her nose.
Hermione had always abided by the rules, but because she was faced with a dilemma that included her one love — books — she knew she couldn't report him to the police. She sighed and reached out for the book. "Fine, hand it over."
"Are you sure? You won't go back on your promise?"
"No," she said with a sigh. "I won't tell anyone you were stealing from a shop that doesn't even have anything valuable in it — not that books aren't valuable, but most thieves don't go after books."
The man grimaced and said, "It's complicated, okay? This is my best friend's shop, and my other best friend dared me to break in and mess with the decor—"
"You can't be serious! How old are you?" Hermione cried, stunned at his explanation.
"I'm twenty-two, and no, I'm not Sirius — that's my best friend," the man said. "That's not the point — this is really important, so please, just give me your number and leave."
"Why should I give you my number?"
"Because you've prickled my fancy, so I thought we could stick together and I'd take you out for some ice cream," he said, grinning down at her. He handed her the book. "Come on, love, I'm not a professional criminal, right?"
"You threw a cactus at me."
"I'm sorry! I got scared and —"
"You're also going to jail if you get caught," she pointed out.
"It's my friend's shop, so he won't get me arrested, and I'm wearing gloves, and I haven't left any evidence…" he trailed off when he saw the mess he had made on the ground. "Shit!"
Hermione smirked as she held the book to her chest and walked towards the door. "See you around, mister!"
"Could you at least tell me your name? I'm James!" he called out as he tried to put everything back in its place. He knew Remus would kill him when he found everything out of place the next morning, and he decided to blame Sirius for it.
Hermione laughed as she waved at him and walked out the door, leaving him to clean up his mess. The man groaned when his phone rang. "Sorry, Sirius, I'll be right back."
He quickly shoved the books back in place and hurried outside to look for the woman. She wasn't anywhere in sight, and James fisted his hands by his side and cursed loudly. Where did she go? She can't have gone far! She could've at least told me her name… The one woman who doesn't fall for my good looks, and I lose her! Great going, you idiot.
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