Mortal Sin
Chapter 6: Penance
The act of penance is more than a simple confession. Penance requires the sinner to perform acts of contrition to atone for their sins. A self-inflicted punishment for having done wrong. Or, sometimes no wrong has been done, but penance is done to create a favorable outcome from above. There is a woodblock print that depicts a mother doing penance in a desire to heal her son's legs, Hatsuhana doing penance under the Tonosawa waterfall. Ultimately, she cannot handle it, and dies. Her son miraculously heals anyway, and sets off to avenge his mother. Or at least, that's what they teach at the Art History course at Garden.
Squall awoke the next morning at peace. Rinoa was back from Deling City, Cid was no longer a threat, and their reunion had been exquisite.
Squall entered his room, found his Sorceress waiting for him in the tiniest, laciest thing he had ever seen in his life. He grabbed her and smashed his lips to hers roughly, growling as he gathered her into his arms. He noticed the small smirk cross her lips as she caught the predatory gleam in his eye. She wanted him desperately.
Squall perched up on his elbow to observe the beautiful woman in his arms. He gently and reverently ran his fingers along her creamy bare legs, smirking slightly.
Squall pinned her to the bed, his hands gripping her hips tightly as if for dear life. He was anything but gentle, repeatedly slamming into her.
Even though they had been intimate for over a year, he still swelled with pride being able to have this effect on her. Though she had seemed tired more and more recently anyway.
"Squall…" Rinoa groaned into the pillow.
Squall nearly came undone, hearing his name said like that.
"Gods, you feel so good," she moaned.
Squall smirked confidently.
"Harder!" She commanded.
Who was he to deny his Sorceress?
His fingers continued to gently trace her alabaster skin. When he got to her hips, he paused. Bruises. Three small ones, almost in a pattern. He was sure they weren't there last night. Squall felt rage seeping underneath him at the thought of someone hurting her. Energy crackled off his skin, causing Rinoa to stir slightly.
Squall wanted to hear her moans. He was sick of them being buried into the pillow. He desired his name again from her lips as she came for him. Only for him. Only from him.
Squall desperately tried to calm himself, placing his hand on top of the bruise willing it out of his sight.
As he placed his fingers on them, it hit him. A perfect match. They were his fingers. He had done it.
Rinoa was panting heavily, her eyelids droopy. Her legs were like jelly and her whole body was shivering. She was no longer standing on the ground, his body pressing her against the side of the bed and keeping her balanced.
She was intoxicated with pleasure, nearly hallucinating.
Squall cursed silently. He recalled the previous night, trying to understand how it happened. She had wanted him, she was urging him on…
Squall leaned forward and tugged Rinoa's dark tresses back, signaling that he wanted her to lift up off the bed. When her upper body was pulled up off the surface of the bed, she tiled her head back onto his shoulder, ensuring her ear was right next to his mouth. He mercifully slowed his assault and helped her to arch her back against him, pressing into his strong chest.
She had wanted it. He had felt her pleasure more than once.
"Everything I do is for you," he whispered huskily into her ear. "Everything…"
"Don't ever leave me again." There was a hint of anger in his voice.
Squall frowned, frustrated at his lack of control. He had apparently gripped her so strongly he left bruising.
"Scream for me," Squall commanded softly as the grip on her wrists tightened and he moved within her once again. This time there would be no pillow to muffle her pleasure.
"Scream for me!"
He carefully inspected Rinoa as she slept, looking for anything else. His fingers traced up her sides, then down her shoulders and arms, pausing as he touched her wrists. Bruising, again.
It was an exquisite pleasure. Rapture. Near painful euphoria. Surely, she was dying in ecstasy.
She had enjoyed it. He was sure. She told him. She affirmed it.
"That was…incredible." She murmured, sighing in pleasure. "You're incredible. I love you…"
Squall tightened his grip on her, hugging her from behind. "I love you." He avowed gently in her ear, carefully pushing the hair from her face. "Gods, I love you so much."
"I love you so much it hurts," Rinoa added quietly.
Squall did not hear her, he had pulled back and was lighting his usual post-coital cigarette with a fire spell snapped from his fingers.
He sighed contently, a self-satisfied smirk on his face as he leaned his head back into the pillows, Rinoa already sound asleep next to him. He inhaled the smoke deeply and watched it waft to the ceiling as he exhaled.
Squall closed his eyes, taking another drag. He had found his absolution through Rinoa.
He knew Hyne had forgiven him for his sin.
Rinoa woke to Squall lifting her leg and entering her from behind. Giving her a sense of completeness and fullness only he could impart. He was whispering into her hair, gently making love to her. Almost as if she were made of glass. It was welcomed after the previous night. She loved the possessive empowering man Squall had become, but this Squall reminded her of the shy, awkward young SeeD she had dragged onto the dance floor.
"Forgive me…"
"Hm?" She moaned softly from his ministrations.
"Forgive me." He gently grasped her hand and lifted it to her face, as if wanting her to look at something.
She noticed the bruising on her wrists.
"Forgive me," he asked again as he continued to softly move within her. "Please…"
Rinoa nodded, "It's nothing. An accident. Don't worry." She turned her head back and kissed the corner of his mouth.
He was smiling. Relieved.
"Last night was…indescribable. I've never…" She couldn't finish the thought, distracted by what he was doing to her body.
He stiffened behind her and let out a content sigh. His hands travelled across her body as he remained buried deep inside her.
Rinoa gave his hand a gentle squeeze and kissed the back of it, breaking their comfortable silence. "When I was living with Caraway, he used to not let me go into my mom's study...where her piano was."
Squall didn't know what type of pillow talk this was, bringing up her father of all people, but he grunted to acknowledge he was listening.
"So, when he was gone for work or whatever I would sneak in. It had all her awards. She won a lot, you know?"
"I didn't know."
"Oh. Well, yeah. There were also magazines that had interviews with her. In one of them she talked about the meaning of a song."
Squall's hand was beginning to get a little too frisky and Rinoa swatted it away from her hip playfully. Squall grumbled at the denial. "I already know 'Eyes on Me' is about Laguna. Unfortunately."
"No. 'True Love Waits'"
Squall vaguely recalled hearing the song before, remembering it won for best song in Galbadia. It was still played quite regularly on the radio.
Rinoa continued. "She said it was about the desire to never grow up in order to keep someone you love. To stay in that moment forever, no matter what the cost." The Sorceress sighed softly. "When I was a kid, I never understood what she meant. Who wouldn't want to grow up?"
Squall listened to the woman in his arms, giving her a soft nudge to continue.
"I understand what she meant, now." Rinoa confessed quietly.
"Julia wanted to stop time."
Rinoa chuckled softly. "I guess so." She tugged Squall's arms tighter around her and tilted her head to catch the corner of his mouth in a kiss. "Just don't leave. Don't leave."
They stayed like that until the afternoon, speaking of their past, the present, and their hopes for the future.
The two warriors faced off in their usual spot: the cliffs behind Garden. Squall was pacing, taunting him with his gunblade, waiting for Seifer to strike first.
Seifer was aware of his opponent's strategy and was waiting for the right moment. Waiting enough to irritate the Commander into provoking him to strike first. By this point, the two men knew each other's moves as if they were their own.
Seifer finally struck, but opted to not use his blade in order to surprise Squall. Instead, he shot a rubber bullet from the gun portion of the blade. It struck the Commander painfully in the arm, successfully stunning him. Seifer had managed to strike him in his dominant arm as well, his wielding arm.
The pellet was enough to make Squall almost lose control of his gunblade and he quickly retaliated with his other hand, hurling a firaga at Seifer's face to stall an impending attack.
Seifer's hair was singed at the ends and there was a nasty burn on his face.
"You, buttplug! What the hell!" Seifer screamed, flailing around dramatically as he patted out the fire on his scalp, "I just got my hair done, asshole!"
Squall smirked and let out a soft chuckle, assuming a defensive position with his gunblade across his chest.
Seifer growled and charged at Squall with his gunblade over his head. As Seifer anticipated, Squall lifted up his gunblade to intercept the blow coming down, so at the last minute Seifer twisted his body and lowered his blade instead striking up, getting a good gash in Squall's dominant arm, close to where he had been shot.
The shock of the blood-drawing hit gave Seifer enough time to get behind the Commander and hurl a tornado spell at his back. Knocking Squall off his feet would give Seifer the advantage he craved against his arrogant opponent and certainly wipe that annoyingly smug smile off his face.
Squall did not fall. Barely fazed by the spell, he spun around on one heel, parrying his blade down into Seifer's shoulder.
Blood for blood.
Still reeling in awe from his opponent withstanding a powerful spell, Seifer hesitated. Seifer was never the best magic-user, but certainly his spell should have at leasted knocked Squall off balance. Seifer's hesitation was all Squall needed to get the upper hand.
The sudden punch split Seifer's lip, and he licked up the sticky maroon blood trickling into his mouth.
Instead of backing away, Seifer charged the Commander, knowing that he had a size advantage. Gunblades were not useful weapons when you were this close, and Squall would be forced to only use his hands.
Seifer grabbed Squall's shoulders and drove his knee into the man's solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him.
Squall coughed and sputtered as he regained his ability to breathe, holding up his hand for Seifer to wait. Both men were sore and tired. Enough was enough. Enough blood had been spilled onto the stones below for one day.
Squall fell back onto his rear end, barely able to stand after his battle with Seifer. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his gunblade case and lit one with a small fire spell, staring at the sky. He let out a tired sigh, the cigarette helping him relax.
He peered, one eye open, and glanced to his side as Seifer sat heavily next to him, a cigar in his mouth. Squall snorted. Seifer always had to make everything a big show.
Seifer lit the cigar with a custom lighter that had his initials – a gift from an unknown woman – Seifer never would tell - and inhaled. He blew out smoke rings and the two sat in silence for a few minutes.
Seifer was the one to break it. "So, natural magic, huh?"
Squall didn't respond.
Seifer leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees nonchalantly. "I could use it when I was near Edea, you know."
"Whatever," came Squall's standard response.
"But, I had to be, like, almost touching her." Seifer looked around him in exaggerated movements. "You hiding Rinoa somewhere? Is she in your gunblade case?"
Squall simply rolled his eyes.
Seifer smacked Squall on the arm, "Hey." He said, his tone serious. Which was a rarity in and of itself.
Squall glared over at his companion, swatting Seifer's hand away from him. "…what?"
"You're drawing from her somehow, Puberty Boy."
Squall shrugged. So what? It was probably a way of letting Knights protect their Sorceresses.
"Hyne, you're dense," Seifer continued. "How on earth you run the stupid Garden is beyond me, Commander Bitebug Balls."
Squall stood up and crushed his cigarette butt under his boot, grabbing his gunblade case and hefting it over his shoulder, ignoring the blonde beside him.
Seifer remained seated, smoking his cigar.
"Next week?" Squall asked simply.
"As you would say - whatever."
Squall snorted and walked away.
"Squall."
The use of his name stopped the Commander from walking. He waited for Seifer's comment without turning around.
"You're drawing from her. Sucking it out of her. Taking something that's a part of her, you know?" Seifer stood and flung his cigar out into the grass behind the cliffs, not bothering to snuff it out first. "Do you know what it's doing to her?"
Squall stiffened but didn't respond, continuing his walk back to Garden.
"Squall."
The Commander was stopped from his journey home. Again. Squall pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "…what?"
Seifer had been dreading telling him. Squall would probably fly off the handle, accuse him of either lying or keeping secrets he had no business knowing in the first place. In the end, Sefier decided, since it was in the best interest of Rinoa's safety, he should tell Commander MaxiPad. "She's been seeing Odine."
"I know."
That was certainly not the answer Seifer had been expecting. "You know?"
Squall shrugged. "Cid told me."
"Squall."
Now the third time the ex-knight had said his name. Squall was getting extremely irritated. "Dear Hyne have mercy. What?"
Seifer knew his counterpart was irked by him, but continued. He still enjoyed frustrating the other gunblader. Besides, Squall was too far away to do anything to him at this point, and he was sure the next bit of information he was going to give was going to completely enrage the other man.
Seifer briefly chewed on his bottom lip, pausing dramatically before speaking. "Odine's got her taking pills."
Based on Squall's body language, and the palpable anger radiating off of him, Seifer figured that Squall was unaware of that juicy tidbit. Squall didn't turn around.
He simply walked away.
Seifer watched the shorter man walk back to Garden. The ex-knight had always been the bulkier of the two, the stronger one, but Squall had changed in the past year. He had put on mass, pure muscle. Seifer's brow furrowed in concern.
"What were you doing while Rinoa and I were in Deling?" He asked softly to the air, Squall's figure too far away to hear.
Squall returned to his apartment to find his love sleeping apparently peacefully in his bed. It was only five-thirty. Stalking in quietly, Squall did not turn on a light or open the blinds. He crept around the bed, careful not to disturb her. Opening the bedside table, he found the usual contents. Hair ties, some hand lotion, a bottle of ibuprofen she took for cramps. A rather kinky "toy" that Selphie had given her as a gag-gift – that ended up being actually used on several occasions. A journal, pen, and a handful of cough drops. No pills. Squall frowned and walked into their small kitchen, thinking. Where would Rinoa hide something? She was not the sneaky type. Hiding something stealthily was more up Squall's alley.
She would hide in plain sight.
Because she didn't expect him to look.
Careful not to trip over and wake Angelo, Squall reached for Rinoa's purse.
Bingo.
Three prescriptions. Three? What in Hyne's name was that odious man making Rinoa take? Squall looked at the labels and could tell they were all sedatives based on the warning labels. Perhaps he was trying to sedate her power? Also, apparently, she shouldn't be drinking while taking them. He knew Rinoa didn't follow that suggestion.
Squall had wanted Seifer to be lying. He had wanted Cid to be lying. But deep down, he knew they weren't. Now he had proof. Staring him in the face in the form of three beige bottles. Rinoa's name in bold letters, Odine's right below as the prescribing physician.
She had lied to him.
She had hidden this from him.
Rinoa. His Rinoa.
Why?
Embarrassment?
Fear?
Surely, Rinoa would never fear him. Yet, even as he thought it, Squall felt rage prickling at the edge of his subconscious. Not necessarily directed at her, but directed at everything and everyone.
He placed the bottles on top of the bedside table and leaned over to shake Rinoa more gently than he knew he was capable of that moment.
"Rin." He said tonelessly. His voice not betraying the fury he was keeping clamped down. "Wake up."
"Hmmm?" The Sorceress rolled over onto her back and slowly opened her eyes, rubbing them. "Mmmm… hi Squall." She smiled warmly upon seeing his face. Her smile quickly waned as she saw his distant look, set jaw, folded arms. It was a look she hadn't seen directed her way in a very long time.
Rinoa slowly sat up in the bed. "Squall?" She asked hesitantly, reaching out her hand to him.
Squall didn't move to take her hand, instead letting her drop it to the bed in front of her. He kept his arms folded across his chest and motioned with a jerk of his head towards the bedside table.
"What have you done?"
His tone of voice made Rinoa's blood turn cold. It was a voice she had never heard from him. Well, at least not directed at her. It was a voice he reserved for cadets who had failed a mission. It was so calm and quiet, so controlled. It was petrifying. For the first time in her life, Rinoa truly realized how terrifying her Knight could be. Everyone else on the planet knew what this man was capable of – he was well feared – but never by her.
She glanced over and noticed the prescriptions.
No.
"Squall…" Rinoa had no defense. She knew it. Squall knew it. There was nothing she could say or do in that moment to pacify the fuming man in front of her. Rinoa briefly considered throwing herself at him and seducing him as a distraction, but she knew it wouldn't be right. First, Squall was too angry for that and second, even if he did let her completely please him, he would resent her.
Wordlessly, Squall snatched the prescriptions up in his hand and marched to the bathroom.
No.
"No!" RInoa leapt off the bed and chased after him. "Squall, no!" She latched herself onto his strong arm as he ripped off the lids to the bottles and began to pour them into the toilet.
"Give me one reason why not, Rinoa. Hell, give me one reason why." He paused, his hand poised above the toilet with the bottles perpendicular.
Rinoa began to cry. They were not tears of manipulation, as she was accustomed to forcing to her eyes when she wanted to get her way. No, they were tears of sheer guilt. Despair. Acceptance. She released his arm and collapsed at his feet, sobbing. A non-verbal plea for him to stop.
As she heard the pills hit the water and the toilet flush, Rinoa let out an agonized desperate moan. Defeated.
Squall's anger quickly faded as he looked down at the woman heaving with sobs at his feet. A woman who could probably end the whole continent with the snap of her fingers if she so wished it – and yet – she was so weak in that moment. Which was probably exactly what Cid and Odine had wanted.
"Please, Squall…." Rinoa clung to his pants like a child begging a parent not to leave them at a day care. "Please… it hurts so much…I need them. It hurts…"
Squall sank to his knees and gathered the Sorceress in his arms. Her tears quickly soaked the collar of his shirt as she clung to him.
"I can't…" Rinoa continued, "I can't sleep without it. I need them. Please…"
Squall gently ran his fingers through her hair, as if comforting a child. "No." He said quietly. "I'll help you. I'll cast sleep on you every night… you can't…"
Rinoa sobbed in his arms, frustration mixed with the truth of her situation.
The Commander sighed in frustration. "Promise me."
"I'm… so sorry."
"It's from Odine – just… anything else. You can't trust it, Rin. They're trying to control you."
"I'm sorry…I-I didn't tell you." Rinoa whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of Squall's shirt.
"I'll do whatever you need. Just, please…" Squall gathered her face in his hands and turned her to look him in the eyes. Black streaks of mascara snaked down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy from crying, purple bags were underneath a stark contrast on her porcelain skin. He never realized how tired and hollow she looked until that moment. "No more. Promise?"
Rinoa cast her gaze to the floor and she shook her head. "Cid will kick me out- he… I'll have to leave you…"
"No… no, Cid is…gone. He's gone, Rinoa. He won't be coming back to Garden. He's in…Centra. You don't have to follow his rule anymore. I promise you."
Rinoa mumbled something incoherent into his chest. Realizing she wasn't heard, she pulled back slightly, "I…promise." She gasped out before clinging to her Knight once again.
Squall gripped the woman in his arms tightly, squeezing her. "I love you." He whispered quietly into her hair. Squall gently pulled her to her feet and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Get cleaned up. I need to work, I would stay, but… I have to deal with some things."
Rinoa nodded and kissed him softly on the mouth. "Okay." She turned from him and twisted the tap for the faucet, filling the bathroom sink with warm water to wash her puffy eyes and makeup streaked face.
The young Sorceress waited until she heard the latch click from the front door before shutting the water off. She glanced out the bathroom door and tiptoed to the large king-sized bed she shared with her Knight. Opening her bedside drawer, she reached in and pulled out a non-descript bottle of ibuprofen. Twisting the lid, she glanced inside and found a rainbow of various pills. Guiltily, she grabbed two without looking what she had snatched and swallowed them before shoving the bottle back in the drawer.
Hiding in plain sight.
She cleansed her palate with an airplane bottle of gin from their small kitchen.
I'm not living, I'm just killing time.
"Forgive me, Squall." Rinoa whispered into the darkness.
First of all, thank you to my amazing beta, the talented Bebedora.
Hatsuhana doing penance under the Tonosawa waterfall is a woodblock print by Kuniyoshi Utagawa. It is part of a series of prints called Stories of Wise and Virtuous Women. All Japanese folktales of women saving the day (usually by dying or sacrificing their virtue, of course).
True Love Waits is a song by the one and only Radiohead. Once again, it has a haunting piano melody that I could picture for Julia. Christopher O'Riley does a solo piano version that I was thinking of for this story.