"Aaron!" The shout sounded muffled. Like someone was pressing hard against his ears. He wanted to call out. He was opening his mouth. Why was it so hard? Why were no sounds coming out? Oh God. Had he lost his voice? Panic bubbled in his gut. He tried to get up. Why was it hurting so much? Was something pressing him down? Something warm was trickling down his side. The pain was blinding.
"Aaron! Aaron?" The voice sounded closer now but it was still muffled. "I've got an agent down. I need medical now!"Dave. "Aaron open your eyes for me". He was gently tapping against his cheek. Dave sounded scared. That wasn't good. Dave was never nervous. "C'mon Aaron. Just open your eyes. Please". Dave sounded like he would cry. Open his eyes. He should be able to do that. Why was it so hard? He wanted to close his eyes again. Too bright. Too bright. Too bright. "Ohh! There you are." Was Dave crying? "Just a minute. I promise. The medics are right here. You're doing so well". He wanted to sleep. "No. Aaron. Keep your eyes open". Dave was holding his hand.When had Dave held his hand before?"Squeeze my hand Aaron. Can you do that?" He didn't know. He was so tired. He thought he heard the sirens. "There see. The medics are almost here. Just hold onto me okay? Please". He wanted to comfort Dave. He sounded so terrified. When had Dave cried last? He really wanted to sleep. Should he be scared? He didn't think he was scared. He felt sad though. He wanted to stay here. Maybe he could finally apologise to Haley.
When he woke up his body felt as though he'd run a marathon. He looked around. He was on a fuzzy, soft surface, probably a bed. So he did make it. He tried to shift from his position. He groaned at how much it hurt.
"Aaron?" Dave's voice was clearer. He squinted and took a proper look at him. He looked…tired. "Oh thank god!" Dave got up from his chair and scooted closer. He reached out and gently removed some hair falling on his forehead. It wasintimate. Perhaps far too intimate for professional boundaries. But then again, when had boundaries been just professional between Aaron and Dave? "You know, you gave us a real scare there", he said, voice soft.
"How long was I out for?" His voice was slightly scratchy, but his throat didn't hurt. Atleast he could talk.
"More than a day. I-" Dave cut himself off, like he had said something he didn't mean to. "We, the team, they've been really worried. They'll be relieved to see you're awake. Garcia's been baking cookies for you".
Aaron smiled and automatically Dave smiled.
"Oh Agent Hotchner. Good to see you've woken up", a voice, presumably the doctor's, called out from. "I'm Dr. Marie. I'll just check your vitals". Hotch nodded. She went over and examined the bandages around his gut, something Hotch noticed for the first time. He also realised the distinct pain for the first time.
"Your stitches are healing well. Vitals are good. How're you feeling?"
"My side hurts. But it's not unbearable". Hotch's voice is steady but Rossi winces slightly nonetheless. It's not easy seeing someone you…care about in pain.
"I'm sorry", the doctor sympathises, "Unfortunately wounds like these always inflict maximum physical pain. We've already administered the highest safe dosage possible of the morphine. We can't risk the body becoming dependant. I'm also sorry to say that we will have to switch to oral pain medication once in recovery, the efficacy of which is significantly lower I'm afraid". Dave wants to argue. There has to be something the doctors can do. But Hotch beats him to it.
"I completely understand. I will be fine. When can I be discharged?"
"We'll keep you overnight for observation but your body is recovering well. If your vitals stay stable, you should be able to be discharged tomorrow".
The doctor flips through her phone. "I'm sorry, I have an emergency".
"Thank you".
"Ofcourse", the doctor nods. "Do not hesitate to ask if you need anything". Hotch nods and the doctor's off.
Rossi felt like he was the background. "You don't have to do that you know."
Hotch frowned, "Do what?"
"Be an emotionless strongman all the time. You got shot. It's perfectly acceptable to be admit your pain".
"I did admit my pain. There's nothing she can do about it. You heard her", Hotch said, sounding genuinely confused.
Rossi sighed. He wasn't about to pick up an argument in the hospital. "You should rest a bit. The team will be here soon. I'll go look over the discharge papers". Hotch nodded. Rossi just gave a small smile in response.
The following day was a morning of organised knick knacks. Garcia came in with two stuffed plushies and a tray full of chocolate sprinkled cookies. Neither men were sure how she managed to get through hospital staff with them. She fussed over Hotch for a while until Dave and the doctor and the man himself promised her that bossman would be fine. Reid came in with a few books and a conscience full of guilt that Hotch knew would eat at the kid's already shaky self esteem for far too long. With all the reassurances that he could muster at the time and the silent conversation he exchanged with Morgan, he hoped it would be okay. JJ's motherly concern and soft tone reminded him why she was the best equipped to deal with victims' families. Prentis' nervous sarcasm and dry humour reminded him why the only time he got atleast a little tipsy, it was with her.
But Dave, Dave was quiet. He stayed out of the room while the others fussed over Hotch.
"You can be discharged but the doctor hasn't cleared you to fly", Rossi told Hotch once the others finally left. "The rest of the team will take the jet back. You and I are gonna take a Bureau car back. Drive it over a couple days".
"Dave", Hotch almost whined, "you don't have to do that. I can drive".
"Firstly no you can't. And secondly, I want to drive you back. Plus it'll be good to have a change of scenery for a bit".
"But Dave-"
"Oh for God's sake Aaron!" Dave shouted. Aaron nearly flinched. Not because he shouted. Because god knew, Aaron had been yelled at before. But because it wasDaveshouting. When was the last time Dave had yelled at Aaron? Had he ever? He didn't want Dave to yell at him. Dave took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration before continuing in a significantly calmer voice, "For once in your life let someone else take care of you". Hotch was quiet. What could he say anyway? "The doctor's gonna come by for a last checkup. I'm going to go look over the papers and the medication. And then we're gonna get out of here. Okay?"
Hotch just nodded and all Dave could do was leave the room with a sigh.
The car reminded Hotch of cheap Westerns for some reason. It was a little shoddy. But a nice shoddy, if there was such a thing. The body was a little dinged up in some places and the inside was all brown leather but the air con worked and the inside smelled of Bengay and roses that was somehow oddly appealing. Hotch had a sneaking suspicion the car was far too uncharacteristic of the Bureau and was more likely Rossi's personal rental but they hadn't spoken since the verbal altercation (was it an altercation?) in the hospital and a car wasn't the hill he wanted to die on. They drove silently for nearly half an hour. Even the radio was off and the road was relatively empty.
"I'm sorry", Dave spoke up finally, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I shouldn't have shouted at you. It was wrong of me and I hope you forgive me".
"I wasn't even mad at you", Hotch replied with a slight wave of the arm. "I am sorry for pissing you off though".
"No Aaron", Dave sighed. "You didn't do anything. I promise. I just got too worked up and it came out all on you".
"Mhmm", Hotch hummed. "Why did you?"
"Hmm?"
"Why did you get so worked up? I've never seen you so outwardly stressed and that's with having Reid on the team".
Dave snorted at the reference but stayed quiet for several minutes. He finally turned towards Aaron and it looked like he wanted to say something but then he turned back towards the road and shrugged. "I don't know. Just tired of you being such a hardass all the time I think".
Aaron cocked his head to the side slightly, like he was analysing what was just said and Dave could swearsomethingflashed in his eyes for just a second before vanishing behind the Hotchner façade again. "Oh", was all Hotch said and turned his head, leaning back and staring out into the open.
They drove the next couple hours in almost complete silence. It wasn't tense exactly but the air felt somehow…incomplete. Like something was about to happen the, something should have happened then. But didn't. Dave didn't drive too fast and kept throwing side glances at Aaron who was either dozing or pretending to. The morphine would wear off soon and Dave knew the Tylenol wouldn't do much. They should probably stop for the day; the nearest BB Dave had booked was close by anyway. If one thought closely they'd realise that Dave had planned atripfor Aaron. He'd looked at reviews when booking the BB because a motel is unacceptable, as are actual Bureau cars. They're all only because Aaron is hurt and Dave needs a minimal amount of luxury. Ofcourse.
Hotch somehow wakes up just as Rossi is pulling up the driveway of the small, homely white bungalow. "Whose house is this?" he asks, trying to unsuccessfully supress a yawn.
"A Mr and Mrs Lindette", Rossie replies nonchalantly.
"You know them?"
"From the AirBnB website, yes".
Hotch straightens up with a start, not managing to hide the obvious pain the movement brought, especially now that the last of the morphine had been administered nearly 6 hours ago.
"You booked abed and breakfast for me?"
"Mmm-hmm". Rossi was deliberately busying himself, looking for non existant paperwork.
"Why?"You did it for me?
I don't know why. "I don't know about you but I am not spending the night in a dinghy motel". Something flashes in Aaron's eyes again but Dave's exited the car before he can see.
Rossi didn't go as far as booking the double room for them. Their rooms were close though. And surprisingly big. Bothcouldhave stayed in one room. Hotchner refuses to be coddled in public and will not accept Rossi's help in being supported to the room. Nevertheless, they make it in and for some reason Dave finds himself entering and shutting the door behind him and Aaron can't bring himself to falsely assure him he's fine this time and doesn't need help.
"Can I take a Tylenol now?" Dave can hear the crumble behind the façade and just wishes for once Aaron would just allow himself tofeel. Justfeel.
"You can. But I don't think it'll do much", Rossi said, sounding genuinely apologetic. Hotch stays quiet. Because he's in pain or he's thinking, Rossi isn't sure. "Or you could skip the pills altogether".
"I'm sorry?"
"Think about it. If the pills don't work anyway, skip them. Have a few drinks. Take your mind off things".
Rossi sounds far too casual about this. Like he isn't telling his closest companion and technically his boss who nearly died a few days ago to get drunk with him in a BB room. Like it doesn't carry connotations. Like the suggestion doesn't mean anything.
"That's preposterous", Hotch says half heartedly.
"Why?"
Hotch struggles to answer for a few minutes. Whether it's the pain or he's thinking or it's both, Rossi isn't sure again.
"H-How can I get drunk with you?"
"Oh c'mon Aaron".They were back to Aaron now."When was the last time you did something for you?Justyou?"
"Dave-"
"It's not a big deal. You hardly drink anyway. It'll help you fall asleep".
"I- I should change first". Dave nods and moves forward.
"I don't need help", comes the stiff announcement. Dave looks at him with –are you serious- look.
"You could barely walk to the room. You can hardly lift your arms".
"I really got it. I'll manage", Aaron's voice holds something Dave can't quite place. Desperation? Apprehension? Fear?
He takes a shot. "Aaron", he says softly until he's sure the other man's listening to him. "It's okay. Whatever it is". He gives a small smile. He's not sure if it's reassuring but to his relief Aaron finally nods.
"I-Fine. Thank you".
Working the shirt when Aaron could not even stand for more than a few minutes at this point was a lot trickier than Dave had expected. He wondered how Aaron had even conceived the idea of changing himself, however briefly. The mere fact that he'd agreed so readily was almost certainly a testament to how much more pain the younger agent was in than he was willing to show. He finally managed to get the shirt off, leaving Aaron bare chested. Dave's cheeks flushed a little- he'd never seen Aaron in anything less than a T shirt before. Had he not been covered in new stitches and bandages, Dave would have likely stared. He still was a little, how could he not, but he would have stared for longer. Aaron was likely too busy trying not to collapse completely under the physical and emotional pain to properly grasp the gravity of the fact that he was standing without a shirt on in front of Dave. Dave-his best friend, his longest companion, his…something, in a room.
Aaron's upper body is canvas of reminders a life of pain from decades ago to merely few days ago.
And not all are stab wounds from Foyet or remnants of the hundreds of serial killers and the sort he had apprehended over his years at the BAU.
Because, even under the dim light, Dave could clearly make out the slightly faded, jagged scar lines marring nearly Aaron' entire back. He's read and seen enough to know they're from a belt.
The revelation isn't extremely shocking exactly. Dave had known Aaron for years and he didn't need to be a profiler to pick up clues from the man. But the physical attestation of it made Dave's chest constrict a little. He has to resist the urge to reach out and run a finger through the scars. He has to resist the urge to justholdthe man.
A sharp hiss of pain snaps Dave back to reality and he works as gently as he can to slip a fresh T shirt over Aaron's head. He then pours two glasses of the most expensive Scotch the house has and sets himself beside Aaron, on the bed. They're both propped up against the headboard, Aaron supported by pillows, but if Aaron's laboured breathing is anything to go by, it's clearly not doing much. They both sip the liquor in silence and Aaron's nearly done with his glass when he finally speaks out.
"Thank you for not asking".
Dave doesn't know what to say. He wants to ask but he isn't sure he'll ever be fully ready to know. A pained grunt that curiously sounds like it's covering up a sob heightens Dave's concern. Perhaps, arguing to get discharged from the hospital early wasn't such a great idea. Perhaps skipping the Tylenol wasn't such a great idea either.
Hotch's eyes are shiny and Rossi decides he can't not do anything.
"Aaron", he calls out softly. "It's just me here. Just Dave. It's okay to cry. Regardless of whatever anyone has ever told you, it's always okay to cry. No one is here. You don't have to pretend strong right now. I promise". Dave thinks Aaron will argue, because that's just how the man is. But instead a choked sob rips out, breaking Dave's heart. When was the last time Aaron had let himself grieve? He repositioned himself, leaning down more on the bed and circled his arms around Aaron's shoulder and gently pulled himself close. They stayed like that for several minutes. Dave allowed Aaron to proceed as he wanted. He wanted to give the man space. He kept his grip firm but not tight, allowing the other man to pull away if he wanted.
When several minutes have passed and the scotch is starting to catch up, Aaron moves. With some reluctance, Dave thinks Aaron will pull away. Instead, startling him, Aaron pushes himself up slightly and then slowly, almost like he's scared Dave will push him away, hesitantly, he brings up his head and rests it on Dave's shoulder. His head is pressed against the crook of the shoulder, eyes buried down into Dave's shirt.
It takes Dave a few seconds to realise Aaron is crying.
It's nearly completely silent except the occasional sharp intake of breath. Tears start to drip down Dave's shirt but he doesn't mind. He runs a hand through the cropped, black hair and hums softly, hoping to comfort the man. He's not sure if Aaron's crying because of the pain or because of the bitter reminders of his childhood. Probably both.
Eventually, Hotch stops crying but he doesn't move and Rossi is more than happy to oblige. They stay like that, curled up against each other.
"Thank you", Hotch says after a long time, voice scratchy from all the tears.
"You never have to thank me for letting you cry".
"No it-", Aaron stops himself and swallows, trying to gather his thoughts. "It's for everything. Not just these past few days." Dave stays silent, not trusting himself to speak. Aaron continues. "He was an overworked prosecutor with alcoholism issues with a crumbling marriage and a kid who just always pissed him off". Aaron's voice is as steady as it can be in a situation like that. But Dave can detect the hurt and the anger and the resentment underneath the mask.
"Hewas in the wrong Aaron. Not you".
"I know", Aaron replies, looking up to flash a watery smile, just to reassure Dave. "Haley used to say the same thing. Right until before our marriage crumbled". Dave again finds himself at a loss for words but Aaron has more to say. He hesitates before saying the next part. "Haley, she uh-she thought I liked you. In a way more than friends I suppose".
Dave is pretty sure his heart skips a beat and he's misheard. He wants to interrupt but Aaron is rushing to get it out. "I loved Haley. I still love her but maybe-maybe there is some semblance of truth to what she said too".
"Aaron-" Dave breathes out.
"I even thought I'd tell you but then Scratch came and then after Haley died I almost", Aaron stops himself before continuing with something else before Dave can catch onto what he said "- I couldn't risk it Dave. Regardless of what my feelings towards you are, I can't lose your friendship, Dave, I won't be able to take it". Aaron is almost pleading towards the end and Dave can hardly breathe. He reaches down and pushes some hair out of Aaron's face. He can feel his minty breath, his wet spiked eyelashes, his hint of a stubble.
"Aaron", Dave whispers out and waits until the other man opens his eyes to look up at him. "Open your eyes and look properly". Dave then gently cups Aaron's jaw and brushes a chaste kiss against his lips. He can almost taste the breath of scotch and tears but it's still somehow the most electrifying feeling both men have ever experienced. He pulls back and touches his forehead against Aaron's.
"I'm not going anywhere".