As Naruto found himself stuck at the beach with an enraged Neji, an apologetic Lee, and a Tenten passed out due to severe blood loss, he thought back on all that had transpired over the past few hours, and wondered how it had come to this.
Oh wait, he did know. This was what he got for using them as test subjects for the Reverse Harem Jutsu.
That time in front of Ichiraku, when Konohamaru demonstrated his...improvisations to the Harem Jutsu, Naruto was initially grossed out. He needed brain bleach to rid himself of those traumatic images of Konohamaru's Sai and Sasuke clones (although the girl version...that was something else).
But on closer examination of those horrific memories, one thing did stand out to Naruto: Sakura loved it. She looked like she was going to pass out in joy.
It was something he'd been thinking of, in between perfecting the Rasen-Shuriken with Kakashi-sensei and Captain Yamato.
Harem Jutsu and all its variants and derivatives were incredibly effective on guys. He'd knocked out the Third Hokage with it. But there was no guarantee that all of his opponents would be guys. If by any chance, he was dealing with a super powerful alien goddess or something, then he'd need a Harem Jutsu that worked on girls too.
The more powerful the opponent, the more effective the jutsu should be – this was a principle that would stand all aspiring jutsu creators in good stead.
Now he had to figure exactly what girls liked.
Two blurs raced across Training Ground 3. One was neon green, the other a flash of white. Lee and Neji. Strong Fist and Gentle Fist. Specializing in the same field – taijutsu – but almost the exact opposite in fighting style and temperament.
Normally, Naruto would have focused only on the fluid and powerful movements generated by the two combatants, but this time, he was more fixated on Lee and Neji's physiques.
Was Lee's figure something that girls would like? A mental image of Bushy Brows with his bowl cut, ripped muscles and gleaming smile, clad only in speedos, materialized in Naruto's mind.
Oh no. That was worse than the Sai and Sasuke clone ordeal. Naruto's imagination needed to stop, or his mind would be permanently damaged.
What about Neji then? He had long, dark hair and a slender and graceful figure, just like Sai and Sasuke. Naruto's mind carefully avoided conjuring anything involving Neji and speedos, just to be on the safe side. He'd save it for the Reverse Harem Jutsu instead, already making a mental list of all the attributes needed.
Lee's gleaming smile was pretty much the only attribute of his that would actually work for such a jutsu. As for Neji, Naruto could go with his long, dark hair and the slender, graceful figure.
And for the third member of Team Guy, Tenten...if Tenten's reaction was anything like Sakura's, it would be proof of Reverse Harem's effectiveness.
Tenten blew her whistle. "Time's up! Match is over!"
Neji and Lee took deep breaths, hunched over and exhausted but smiling all the same. They both made the seal of reconciliation with their fingers, then flopped onto the grass beside Tenten.
"Tenten! Neji! Bushy Brows! What's up?" Naruto yelled from his perch on a tree.
Neji and Lee both choked on their flasks of water in surprise, clearly caught unawares.
Tenten took it one step further and threw a shuriken at the poor unsuspecting jinchuuriki, who yelped and fell onto the ground in a heap.
"Ow, ow, ow. What's the big deal? Do you always try to kill people when you get surprised?" Naruto grumbled, sitting up and rubbing the newly formed knot on his head.
Team Guy relaxed when they took in his presence.
"Don't...don't scare us like that," Tenten said.
"Naruto-kun!" Lee yelled. "How are you?"
"Why are you here, Naruto?" asked Neji.
Naruto laughed and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Oh, it's nothing, ya know. I was just passing by and saw you guys sparring."
"Hmmm, I see," Neji said.
"I hope you were inspired by our youthfulness, Naruto-kun!" Lee yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, it was great," said Naruto, thinking quickly. "You all seem tired. You guys want to get some ramen with me? My treat!"
Please accept, please accept, please accept, he thought feverishly.
Tenten shrugged. "I don't see why not."
Neji calmly nodded his head in agreement, while Lee enthusiastically nodded his head in agreement.
He needed to use Team Guy for research. It was a great opportunity. There was no way he would go anywhere near Team 8, Team 10 or his own teammates for stuff like this. On the other hand, Team Guy, who were not his classmates and were actually one year his senior, did not know him as well. His inner prankster stirred from a months-long dormancy.
How would Tenten react to Reverse Harem Jutsu: Male Swimsuit Model Version?
They were the perfect guinea pigs.
Neji and Tenten watched Naruto and Lee's youthful ramen eating contest with a mix of awe and horror.
"Naruto's definitely paying for all of that, isn't he?" Tenten asked Neji in a low voice.
"Well, that's what he said he'd do, right?" said Neji.
"How much money does..." Tenten gazed at the disaster piling up in front of Naruto and Lee, "twenty-five bowls of extra large miso ramen even cost?"
"Four thousand ryo," Neji said, giving the menu pasted on the wall a quick glance.
"Most people would get a meal at a fancy restaurant for that price," Tenten muttered.
But Naruto was not "most people."
That much was clear when Tenten would look back on the strange events that would follow.
"Well then, we have to get going now," Neji said, moving to push back Ichiraku's noren curtains.
Naruto's hand shot up to grab Neji's shoulder, bringing him to an abrupt halt.
"What is it?" asked Neji.
"Oh." Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly and laughed. "Um...do you guys want to spend the rest of the day hanging out with me?"
"We've already spent half an hour with you, Naruto," said Tenten. "It was nice and all, but we have to get going. We have some more training with Guy-sensei."
Naruto slammed his fist into his palm.
"That's great! I'll come with you!" he cried enthusiastically.
"You really don't have to." Tenten eyed Naruto warily. She had no idea what ideas Naruto might plant into Guy-sensei's head about "training," and after watching his ramen eating contest with Lee, she really didn't want to find out.
Unfortunately for her, Lee seemed very keen on finding out.
"That's the spirit, Naruto-kun!" he said. "We can have a hot-blooded spar, just the two of us!"
"Uh...sure!"
"Wait!" Tenten saw a dangerous light bulb going off in Lee's brain. "I have an even better idea! We could have a five-way sparring match! You, me, and Guy-sensei against Neji and Tenten!"
She and Neji exchanged a look of despair.
This was going to be a long day.
"A five-way match?" Guy-sensei stood stock-still, his eyes inexplicably glassy and unfocused.
"Yes, Guy-sensei! Imagine the huge boost in our stamina," Lee said. "Usually we only have three or four-way spars, but if Naruto-kun were to join us, we would have to watch our backs even more! If we have to face a huge number of enemies at once in the future, this kind of training will really come in handy."
Guy-sensei continued to stare at them in a very odd fashion. Tenten felt a pang of worry.
Then pain surged through her skull as Guy-sensei gathered all four of them into a group hug and she found her head being smashed against Neji's.
"Owww," Naruto mumbled, rubbing the second newly formed knot on his head.
"That's my boy! Always coming up with ways to enliven the springtime of our youth!" Guy-sensei bellowed, finally releasing them.
The sparring match was grueling, even considering the sort of training that Guy's team underwent every day. Dealing with dozens of Naruto's Shadow Clones for one and a half hours would be enough to sap the energy of even the most seasoned of ninja, including Neji and Tenten, but Guy-sensei and Lee just didn't give up until they'd driven him into a corner.
The last of Naruto's clones were cut down by a twin series of Severe Leaf Hurricanes perfectly executed by Guy and Lee.
The match finally complete, the trio collapsed, the adrenaline rush fading to contented exhaustion.
Guy-sensei gave Naruto a thumbs-up, which Naruto returned.
Tenten found herself feeling a grudging sort of respect for Naruto. He managed to tire out Guy-sensei and Lee? That was tough for herself and Neji to do during the best of times.
"Wow, Bushy Brows, Uber Brows-sensei…" Naruto stared up at the pale blue sky. "Can't believe you got rid of so many clones at once. That's some stamina."
Even in his exhausted state, Lee managed a triumphant laugh. "I've always been improving my stamina. For my Academy Graduation Exam, since I couldn't do ninjutsu or genjutsu, I couldn't do the Clone Jutsu. Instead, I did five hundred laps around the Academy and they let me pass!"
"You...you couldn't pass the Academy Exam the normal way?" Naruto asked. "I was the same, ya know. I couldn't do the Clone Jutsu either."
Neji leaned in with interest. Naruto had mentioned something like that back during their Chuunin Exams match, but he didn't go into huge detail about it.
"And then?" Lee asked. "How did you pass?"
"I took the Scroll of Sealing from Sandaime jii-chan's office and learned the Shadow Clone Jutsu instead!"
Guy-sensei frowned. "How did you get past Hokage-sama? I highly doubt he'd let you take such a sensitive document."
"I defeated him with my killer jutsu!" Naruto said proudly.
"Impossible," Tenten said. "We were all just kids a few years ago. You couldn't have defeated the Hokage."
"I did too!" Naruto insisted.
"Show us the jutsu you used on Hokage-sama, Naruto-kun!" yelled Lee.
Naruto had an oddly mischievous expression. It was the expression of someone who'd been biding his time for a while. An expression of triumph.
"Well...if you insist." Naruto made the signs for a Transformation Jutsu and a cloud of smoke enveloped him.
What Tenten saw next made the blood rush to her face.
For the second time that day, she threw her shuriken at Naruto. He yelped in surprise as the weapon struck him directly on the head.
"What's wrong with you, Tenten?" Naruto grumbled as his transformation dissipated.
"What do you think you're doing, making a jutsu like that?" Tenten yelled. "If I wanted to see male swimsuit models, I'd go to the beach!"
"So...did it work on you or not?" Naruto asked. "I used the girl version on jii-chan and he went down like a sack of bricks."
"That's...that's the jutsu you used on the Hokage?" asked Neji. His left eye was twitching.
"Yep!"
"And it worked?"
"Yes!"
"That's amazing, Naruto-kun."
Neji and Tenten both turned to stare at Lee in shock. He liked the jutsu? Did that group hug earlier inflict brain damage on him?
"To knock out Hokage-sama with just an image of a beautiful woman...your jutsu is incredibly powerful." Lee's eyes were shining with awe. It was bizarre.
Neji's right eye began twitching.
"You know what that means, right, Tenten, Neji?" Lee bellowed. "We need to build resistance to this jutsu!"
"Wait, what?" Neji bellowed back.
"If the likes of Hokage-sama can be taken down with Naruto-kun's jutsu, then we ourselves are no match for it," Lee explained. "A youthful ninja must be prepared for any and all eventualities, right, Guy-sensei?"
For once, Guy seemed reticent about Lee's hare-brained scheme. "Yes, Lee, but, um...I don't – "
And also for once, Lee rushed on without heeding Guy's surprisingly rational hesitance.
"To the beach! Harem Jutsu resistance training begins now!"
Once again, Neji and Tenten exchanged a look of despair.
Why? Why? Why was this happening to them?
This was the most awkward training session that Naruto had ever participated in. He was having some serious second thoughts about his supposedly brilliant plan to use Team Guy as test subjects for the Reverse Harem Jutsu. In hindsight, it was in fact an incredibly stupid plan.
But, well, Lee was persistent. And that was how Team Guy plus Naruto found themselves at the beach, wearing just bathing suits: Naruto was wearing frog-patterned speedos, Neji was wearing plain beige speedos, while Tenten was wearing a one-piece red bathing suit. But the worst was Lee.
Some things never needed to be neon green spandex and male bathing suits were one of them.
For Harem Jutsu resistance training.
Yeah. It was an incredibly stupid plan.
At least Guy-sensei wasn't there. Thankfully, he was called off to a mission five seconds after Lee's "training plan."
"Why do we all have to wear speedos? It doesn't matter when I transform anyway," Naruto said. He shivered as he wrapped his arms around himself. It was way too cold to go to the beach. They were the only ones there.
"It's for practice," said Lee. "We need to brave the elements and inclement weather to tap into the full potential of youth!"
Neji muttered something about youthful brain damage under his breath.
"Okay, Naruto-kun, transform!" Lee said.
Naruto looked nervously at Tenten and Neji. Tenten's face was blue and Neji's face was green. Neither of them looked happy. In fact, Tenten looked nauseated and Neji looked outraged. Or maybe it was the other way around; it was hard to tell.
"Uh, Bushy Brows, we don't have to..." Naruto started.
"Nonsense, Naruto-kun. Hit us all with your best shot!" Lee shot Naruto a thumbs-ups and a blinding smile.
Naruto gulped. "Okay. Shadow Clone Jutsu!"
A dozen Naruto clones materialized in front of them.
"Reverse Harem Jutsu: Male Swimsuit Model Version!" shouted twelve apprehensive voices.
When the smoke cleared, Tenten's jaw became unhinged.
It was...wonderful. A dozen handsome clones of Neji appeared in front of her, wearing frog-patterned speedos and twelve gleaming smiles to match.
It was such an uncharacteristic expression on Neji's face that Tenten was momentarily taken aback. Neji looked radiant when he smiled.
It was the kind of rare smile that he wore when both he and Tenten finally – finally – got some alone time, far away from their youthful teammate and sensei; something that she didn't get to see that often, making it a hundred times more special when it did happen. How did Naruto know that? More than that, how did he manage to express it in his transformation so expertly?
Naruto had somehow made Neji's pure white eyes sparkle like agate. His long, dark hair only served to make the effect more pronounced. It was like Neji had been transformed into a supermodel ninja. Except that Neji was already like that; Naruto had just accentuated it.
She didn't even care that he was wearing a frog-patterned bathing suit. Tenten was finally coming to understand how Naruto defeated the Hokage.
Blood gushed from her nose in gallons and the world went black.
But just before she closed her eyes, Neji – the real Neji – appeared in her line of vision.
"Tenten? Are you all right? Tenten."
"What did you do, Naruto?" Neji yelled. His face was tomato red. "Why the hell did you transform into me?"
Naruto guessed that he was upset about getting a frog speedo get-up for the transformation.
He held up his hands placatingly. "Uh...don't worry about it." He laughed nervously. "It should only take a few minutes for Tenten to wake up..."
"Only a few minutes?" Neji demanded. He somehow managed to pull off a dangerous glare even while wearing beige speedos.
"Or...one or two hours, tops," Naruto mumbled.
"What?"
"I, um...may have overdone it with the twelve clones."
At this point, Lee bravely jumped into the fray. "Neji, this only means that Tenten requires more – "
Neji turned his eyes onto Lee. They were most decidedly not sparkling like agate.
Lee shut up very fast.
Naruto remembered the pain of Neji closing up all of his tenketsu in the Chuunin Exams, and felt incredibly exposed out there next to the river, wearing only frog-patterned speedos.
This was what he got for using them as test subjects.
He exchanged a look of despair with Lee, a first.
It was going to be a long day.
A/N: Hope you all like this! This was written based on a request I received for "Naruto in speedos." :) I've been feeling some interest in NejiTen lately, and Team Guy is my favorite team ever, so I wrote this. It seems like I'm only writing humor/crack lately...but the next fic will be different.
Review, please? :)