***Author's note: Yeah, so it's been a while. A lot has happened. But I still want to finish this story. Please be aware there is a potentially triggering scene at the end regarding miscarriage (sorry for the spoiler but I don't want anyone caught off guard). If you are still around, I will be finishing this up sooner than later.***

"We separated in December. After Christmas. I moved back to Steubenville and lived there for a while. Finally I found a job teaching in Cincinnati. I moved there in August. I have been working at an elementary school in a suburb east of the city. I like it. I like Cincinnati. Seeing you today…" Caroline felt her throat closing up. "Seeing you today, it's the first time we've seen each other since the end of December. In the beginning, you - we," she quickly corrected herself. "Thought it was best not to be in contact. Give each other some space. I...uh, I guess after a while, I was too scared to call. Things seemed to be going really well for you. With the team and your playing. And then the playoff run and winning the cup. It just seemed like maybe it was supposed to happen this way." she gave a pathetic shrug, her focus on the carpet, trying desperately not to let the tears come. She swallowed back the words she wanted to say. You didn't need me anymore. You hated me and what I had done. I couldn't be what you wanted. I hurt you too much...and you hurt me. Those thoughts swirled around in her head, but she didn't dare say them out loud.

She waited for him to respond. She couldn't look at him. The shame was written all over her face, she knew it. She didn't want him to see.

"Your mom called me," she continued when he didn't speak. "She asked me to come. I arrived yesterday, I'm staying at my old place while Neil is out of town. When I got here this morning she told me what happened. When you got hit, the concussion. It made you lose time. For some reason, you don't have memories from last Christmas until now. Your mom hoped seeing me would help jog your memory." Caroline didn't feel like editing that part out. She was tired of censoring herself when it came to his family.

Her voice stayed even the whole time. It was sort of hollow. Like she was reading off the side of a cereal box.

"There are details that are hard for me to talk about. Please don't ask me to right now. I know this is hard for you. But it's hard for me too." her voice wavered but finished strong. It was silent and she looked up to see what his reaction was. To see how he was processing all this information.

He stared at her, his face confused but soft. Like this information made him more sad than upset.

Finally he sat down on the bed, ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled a deep breath.

"Wow," was all he said. She watched him carefully. Studying his profile. She never tired of looking at him. He was so beautiful. His face, his features she knew now like the back of her hand, but that didn't stop her from being struck by the beauty of him.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "About my mom calling you. Not telling you until you were here. That wasn't fair. You shouldn't have been put in that position." He looked over at her, his eyes remorseful.

Caroline's eyes welled up. She didn't expect him to say that. Trying to hide how much his words affected her, she shrugged, "she was worried and scared...we all are," her voice quiet as she said those words.

Sid just nodded. Staring at the carpet, his face blank. He was processing it all. She knew that look on his face. She watched as he struggled to think back to last year. She felt guilty being so vague, leaving him with more questions than answers. She felt obligated to give him more, to help him understand.

"We weren't happy."

Her voice caught on that last word. The break in her voice echoing in the still silence of the bedroom. She could feel the tears sting and her face crumple. She sensed him coming closer, but stopping. Seemingly aware that touching her wouldn't get him the answers he so desperately wanted.

"I wasn't. And you weren't either. We didn't talk anymore. Not the way we used to. We grew distant. Life became more complicated and I...I don't know. Things changed too much and so I left."

Inwardly she knew this was a bullshit answer. It wasn't "everything." It wasn't nearly anything. What she said wasn't necessarily a lie, but it was far from the truth.

The truth. Now that she knew she couldn't bear retelling. And given the opportunity. Here. With him so eager for the truth, she couldn't do it. She wasn't strong enough for that.

"That's it?" Sid's voice was low, strangled.

Caroline worked up the nerve to look at him. He looked confused, no more like bewildered.

She knew it was a lame explanation. He'd just begged her for the truth and she'd complied. Giving him hope and now a few vague sentences was her explanation. She knew it wasn't fair. But none of this was fair.

"I, um, well it's just…" she struggled to find something to say.

"Is this because I missed the appointment?"

Caroline stared dumbfounded at him. Concern etched Sid's face in the most innocent way.

"The appointment," his face scrunched up in confusion as he tried to pull the memory from the back recesses of his mind. "Last week, I think? I mean obviously not really last week, but what feels like last week?" He shook his head as if to try and shake the memories back into place.

For a moment the utter sadness of all this fell to the wayside, as Caroline struggled to think what he was talking about.

"The IVF appointment. There were some tests?"

Sid's brain was normally so sharp, his recall so enviable, that it hurt to watch him struggle like this. It also hurt to remember.

Because no it wasn't because he missed the appointment. But remembering that appointment felt like a stab to her side. A wound reopening. Raw and revealing.

"No," she shook her head.

It was before that.

But she didn't say that. Because saying that would bring it all up. Not just a stab on the side. Gashes everywhere would reopen. Wounds that healed so poorly that she felt like her body was covered in scars. Jagged, messy scars that she refused to rip open. Not if she was to survive all of this.

"So tell me, what then?" she could hear the impatience in his voice. He deserved to know. But how do you give the person you love the most what they need when you know it will destroy you?

If you want to end up where they were, you don't.

If you want to put the pieces back together, you try.

You have to try Caroline.

February 2014

"You have to try Caroline."

The edge in his voice was unmistakable. Caroline pulled the cool cloth from her forehead and stared up at Sid, thinking of how she'd ended up here.

The trip to Sochi had been trying to say the least. Traveling to the other side of the world was a lot. Doing it twelve weeks pregnant when you have violent morning sickness, was a new level of miserable.

When they'd gotten back from Saskatoon, life had turned into even more of a blur. There were doctor's appointments. Family get togethers and dinners with friends, all to share the news of this "new blessing" as Trina liked to call it, in the Crosby family. And it had been wonderful. Telling everyone, seeing the excitement on their faces, answering the bombardment of questions. The less than wonderful part had been the morning sickness. Or rather just "sickness" because it wasn't only morning. It was afternoon, evening and night. Middle of the night sweats that woke her from a deep sleep as she sprinted to the bathroom to heave into the toilet. The nights Sid was home he'd shuffle in a few minutes later, crouching down next to her as he rubbed her back and smoothed her hair. But there were also the nights he wasn't there. The road trips that left her bed empty and her alone as the vomiting seemed to never end.

She was constantly tired and felt drained. But Caroline refused to look at this as any less than the happiest time of her life. She was going to be a mom and Sid a dad. She fantasized about who the baby would look like more, she and Sid would lay in bed together, trying to fall asleep after the barf sessions and talk about the little bean (as Sid liked to call it) and what their life would be like as a party of three. And so that excitement, that determination to not let pregnancy symptoms slow her down, was what fueled her to make this trip. Sid was in the Olympics. Of all his accomplishments, all the "fame and fortune", paled in comparison to the Olympics. In her mind, that was the top of the mountain and she was going to be there to see him take gold no matter what.

But the flight had been rocky, the drive to the hotel rockier and the conditions, while livable were definitely not quite what Caroline had envisioned. She could deal with turbulence and crazy Russian drivers, but she could feel all of it becoming too much when all she could keep down was mashed potatoes and a wedge of dry bread. The cuisine otherwise was more than her sensitive system could take and the bed was just so uncomfortable. She couldn't sleep, she barely saw Sid and it was just her with the Crosby family, whom she loved, but it was a lot of time together. Especially when she was feeling so terrible.

She was overwhelmed. And when Caroline was overwhelmed she retreated. And it was becoming an issue.

Here they were the afternoon of the semifinals United States versus Canada when Caroline reached her breaking point. All day she'd felt hungover, for lack of a better word. Her mouth was dry, her head pounded and her stomach as usual was flopping. She felt a little panic settle in as all these days in a row of feeling so sick and being so far from home, with such little time with her husband were starting to take a toll. Especially when Trina, in an attempt to be helpful compared everything Caroline was feeling to her own pregnancies. It was maybe supposed to help, but all Caroline felt was inadequate. So when she informed the Crosbys in the morning she was not going to the semifinals that afternoon, she felt relieved. But they on the other hand just looked at her dumbfounded.

"You're not going?" Trina asked, while Troy just grunted in disapproval.

"I really want to be there for the Gold Medal game," Caroline explained. "I just need to rest."

Troy gave another grunt, while Trina scrutinized her. "I just don't get it, I felt so energized when I was pregnant with Taylor," Trina said wistfully. "It was just me and my little teammate, taking on the world. Only I didn't get experiences like this…"

Caroline tried not to roll her eyes. Now she was ungrateful. It was bad enough that she wasn't having the "dream" pregnancy, now she was taking for granted this experience.

"I'm going to lay down," Caroline announced. The hotel had the heat pumping at over 80 degrees and Caroline could feel the nausea creeping. She made it to the room she was sharing with Taylor and moisted a washcloth with cold water. Laying down and putting the cold compress on her forehead, she felt some relief. Moments later sleep overtook her.

She wasn't sure how long she was sleeping when she felt a gentle tug and a voice calling her name.

Her eyes fluttered open and she was met with the concerned gaze of her husband.

"Hey," she said sleepily, her hand swiping at her eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be at the game? What time is it?"

"Mom said you're not coming," he said, not answering her question as he sat down on the edge of the twin bed. There was concern in voice, but he seemed tense. He was wearing just a t-shirt and track pants, all issued by Hockey Canada. She looked past him at the clock on the wall, there were still a few hours before puck drop.

Her eyes focused back on him, unable to read his expression. "I can't, I'm so sorry, Sid. I just feel awful. I want to be there so badly, but I can't keep anything down and I just don't feel like myself. I want to make sure I'm good for the gold medal game," Caroline explained, repeating what she had told his parents.

Had they called him? Tattled on her? She felt badly thinking of it that way. But she couldn't help but feel a little ganged up on. She was here wasn't she? She wanted to be here, do everything she could to support her husband. But she had another life she was responsible for now. And she was going to protect that life even if it caused friction with her new family.

Sid's hand came up to her cheek, his calloused but cool palm cradled her cheek, his thumb moving gently across her cheekbone, causing her blood to rush and her heart to pound. His ability with just a simple intimate touch to get her all riled up, never ceased to amaze her.

"You have to try Caroline."

The edge was there, it was faint, but she knew him. She knew him so well.

She sat up, the cloth falling and opened her mouth in protest.

"Please."

His eyes begged her. His voice soft again, pleading. "You're my lucky charm," he whispered, his forehead falling gently against hers. "I need you."

His mouth ghosted across her lips softly and then settled in a tender kiss. She had no defense for this, as her body responded to him. She felt his body lean in closer, his hand back on her cheek as he kept the kiss soft and gentle.

Caroline pulled back and stared at him, "You don't fight fair Crosby."

The skin around his eyes crinkled, his crooked smile widening. "I brought you this," his arm reached down to the floor, pulling a bottle of a strange green liquid. "It will make you feel better, I promise."

Caroline looked warily at the liquid sloshing around in the water bottle.

"It's ok for the lil' bean, I checked." Sid replied sensing her hesitation.

"Oh great," Caroline replied dryly, still skeptical and slightly nauseated by the look of the green stuff.

But she drank it, anything to feel better. And honestly it didn't taste so bad. Sid left and Caroline was able to rest for another hour.

She felt shaky at the game, but the rest of the Crosby clan was so excited that Caroline cheered with all the energy she had remaining. During intermission between the 2nd and 3rd periods, Caroline felt the nausea return. Her stomach was flopping and the burn in the back of her throat was unmistakable.

"Excuse me," she mumbled to her in-laws, she scooted past them quickly. The red and white Crosby sweater felt hot and sticky. Her head began to pound as she worked her way into the aisle.

Up the stairs she went, her hand on her stomach, praying she would make it to the bathroom in time. The sweat at her temple cooled her, but she just needed to get to the top and across the corridor to the toilets. She tried to weave through the crowd, the noise too loud for her to notice someone calling her name. She nearly wept when she reached the women's room only to find a line forming. She searched for a family restroom she could use, those normally had shorter lines, but in the Russian arena, there was no sign of those.

She was trying not to panic, but she was moments from spilling all that green drink over the...it was too late. Caroline rushing to the wall in the alcove of the concession stand bent over and out came everything in her stomach. The green contents were as disgusting as she'd feared. She heaved onto the floor, tears streaming down her face. And then the dizziness overcame her. She fell to her knees and the vomiting stopped. She knew everyone was staring, but she didn't care. Because a split second later, everything went black.

She awoke to being put on a stretcher by a group of medics. The concerned faces of Tayor and the Crosby parents, along with Geno's parents and girlfriend who served as the translator surrounded her.

"You passed out," Taylor said plainly. "They're taking you to the hospital to make sure everything is ok." Caroline could only nod as something was placed over her mouth and she felt cool oxygen flow into her nose and mouth. She couldn't even ask about Sid and if he knew.

Hours later she was discharged. She talked to SId on the phone, he'd not been notified about what had happened until after the game. Caroline couldn't help but feel a little peeved by this. But Hockey Canada was a different animal than the Penguins organization. Winning was priority it seemed. Whereas the Penguins always seemed so accommodating to their star and his family, things were a bit different at the Olympic level. He had been understandably worried, but after being evaluated at the hospital Caroline was dehydrated but the baby was fine. After getting an IV for a few hours, she felt exponentially better. He met her at the hotel, he had a few minutes to talk and make sure everything was ok, before he had to go back to the Olympic Village.

The rest of the visit was fine. The buzz and excitement waned and despite the thrill of watching her husband and his teammates win gold and celebrate on the ice, Caroline was ready to get home.

When she returned to the states, she saw her ob-gyn immediately. The baby was fine she was reassured. The morning sickness wasn't anything to be too concerned about, but Caroline needed to take it easy and make sure she was drinking lots of fluids.

They didn't talk much about the Sochi trip. Sid didn't seem to want to talk about it. The gold medal was placed next to the one from 4 years earlier and that was that.

After Sochi, things sort of calmed down. Sid was off to Chicago for the Stadium game and Caroline who originally wanted to go, decided to stay home. Sid was in and out the month of March, while Caroline continued to struggle with feelings of nausea and general exhaustion. Doctor's appointments showed everything was fine and by mid-April they learned they would be having a boy. The grin that spread across Sid's face had made Caroline's heart skip a beat. They would have a son. The Crosby name would continue and no doubt the legacy was forming before he had even arrived.

And then in early May, two nights before the second round of the playoffs were set to begin, Caroline woke from a deep sleep. A pain in her abdomen. Disoriented and half asleep, she worried she had eaten something bad at dinner. Looking at her husband, deep in sleep, she threw back the covers and padded her way towards the bathroom. Ready to deal with the indigestion pregnancy had also gifted her with.

She flipped on the light, pulled down her underwear as she sat down on the toilet.

She looked down.

There was blood. Lots of it. The pain came again. It was only then she realized, it wasn't coming from her stomach. The pain was much lower.

No.

No, please god no.

Caroline screamed.

She couldn't be there anymore. She was sitting on that bed. She was staring at that bathroom door. The memories flooded back.

"I couldn't give you what you wanted," she said standing up. The tears flowed once again. "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't."

And before he could say a word, she was gone.