Summary: It's the Diva-Off. New Directions vs. Warblers, or in reality, Schuster vs. Anderson. Time to choose sides.
Note: Canon dialogue is used in this chapter. Please see previous chapters for the disclaimer.
There are four songs in this chapter. Sections were cut (it will make sense why) and short conversations take part in their place.
By the time Rachel had finished a mini-session with Dr. Shepard, it was time to begin. Emma and Carl gave the Warblers the choice of order, since they were the "visitors". Blaine chose to go second. Will appeared to be quite happy with that, then said they would need an extra 10 minutes for stage set-up. Blaine was a little concerned, but changed his attitude when Carl pulled out his phone and set a timer, thoroughly pissing Will off.
Oh yeah, he had asked the right person to be his judge.
"Why would the New Directions need more time?" Nichole asked. Nick and Jeff had warned her ahead of time that the New Directions were run very differently from the Warblers, but she had been surprised by how different.
"Knowing Schuster, he probably has some elaborate shit going on" Santana told her. "It's what he tends to do when pushed and after seeing that leaked picture of Trouty, I'm pretty sure that's what's happening."
"Brittany didn't tell you anything?" Quinn asked.
"No. She knows I wouldn't say anything to Blainers, but didn't want to put me in that position."
"So, I take it your money is on the New Directions?" Rachel was actually talking about money since Puck had started a pool.
"While Blaine maybe my best gay, Britt is my heart so I am Team New Directions all the way. I'm assuming Nichole is Warblers and you, Quinn and Mercedes are with me?"
"Yes, as an OG, I'm ride or die with the New Directions."
While the other girls couldn't find the words to reply to Rachel, Mercedes shook her head in disbelief "Rachel, never, and I mean never ever, say that again. And by the way, my money is on the Warblers. I have a feeling Blaine Warbler has a couple of tricks up his sleeve. Oh, quiet. Miss Pillsbury and her sexy ex-hubby are about to get things started."
Nichole looked at Quinn and asked "Blaine's judge is Schuster's fiancée's ex-husband?"
Quinn gave her a nod and a I'll tell you later look, then leaned over to Rachel and whispered "Is something going on between Kurt and Finn? They're acting stranger than usual." Rachel shrugged, but had to admit she saw it too.
Emma tapped on a mike to get the audience's attention "Welcome. I'm Emma Pillsbury and this is Dr. Carl Howell…"
"Welcome back, Dr. Hottie" Santana catcalled, earning her a smile from the dentist and a glare from her former advisor.
"Anyway, we will be the judges for today's Diva-Off. So, what is a Diva? The Online Urban Dictionary defines a diva as A fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho and she does not sweat da haterz. We all have an inner diva. I myself have been considered quite a diva at many a local restaurant because I know what I want and I will send a dish back."
"Thank you, Emma" Carl stepped forward remembering how Emma could rant for hours when her food did not come out exactly the way she ordered. "Ok, so the rules were simple. Each group sings two songs from the diva or divas of their choosing. The New Directions arrangements and choreography had to be done by Will Schuster and the Warblers by Blaine Anderson. However, it was agreed earlier this week that each group could have 4 hours of outside help for production purposes only. Were these rules followed?"
Cooper stood "My name is Cooper Anderson and I can say that the New Directions did follow the rules."
Jeff went next "My name is Jeff Sterling and Mr. Schuster graciously accepted my word as a Dalton boy that I would assure Blaine followed the rules set forth, and he did. However, I did not oversee the four additional hours."
Blaine looked across the auditorium and winked.
"My name is Mercedes Jones and I monitored the Warblers extra time." There was an audible gasp in the room as everyone turned to see Mercedes standing "I would like to note that the Warblers used only 3 of the 4 hours allotted and will use their remaining time today. Thank you." When she sat back down she looked over at the girls sitting with her and smiled. "I tried to warn you."
"That's not the rule!" Will began to plead his case, but Emma and Carl cut him off and introduced the New Directions. The lights went out and two spotlights went to the back of the auditorium. The girls came in dressed as high-fashion models and walked down the aisles like they were walking a runway.
I'm a-a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
I'm a, I'm a-a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
I'm a, I'm a-a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
I'm a, I'm a-a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
Na-na-na
Diva is a female version of a hustler
Of a hustler, of a, of a hustler
Na-na-na
Diva is a female version of a hustler
Of a hustler, of a, of a hustler
Everyone in the audience stood up and began to applaud and dance in place except for Nick, and Jeff who was trying to comfort him "Sugar looks so beautiful. Why did I act like that? Why? Now she hates me."
"She doesn't hate you Nick. She's angry that you acted like a fucking asshole when you found out she talked to Rory, but she doesn't hate you."
"She told me to fuck off and die, Jeff. Fuck off and die!"
Jeff let his best friend cry, literally, on his shoulder. The Warblers needed Nick to snap out of it since he was an important part of their opening. He personally needed Nick to snap out of it so he and Nichole could tell him they were seeing each other. He really, really wanted to get laid this weekend.
Fifty million round the world
And they say that I couldn't get It
I done got so sick and filthy
With Benjis, I can't spend it
Sebastian noticed Blaine watching Sugar and the other girls, but he wasn't happy about something. "What's wrong?"
"They're all girls."
"So? You said Schuster often did boys vs girls."
"He could have put at least one guy in there. Guys can be divas too!"
Sebastian tried hard not to laugh, but failed "Of course guys can be divas. My boyfriend is one."
Surprisingly, Blaine didn't catch that "See the new girl, Amanda? The one wearing the tight leather pants and the pink top with the shaggy, fake fur sleeves? A guy could have worn that. Hell, I could have worn it."
"Yes dear, and you would have looked very pretty. Now, the song is almost over, so just watch and enjoy the amazing job Sugar is doing."
"Fine!"
Diva is a female version of a hustler
Of a hustler, of a, of a hustler
I'm a-a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
I'm a, I'm a diva, I'm a, I'm a-a diva
Once the girls were off stage, a black curtain that had been behind the runway fell to the ground. The guys were on an elaborately set-up stage in various costumes from Lady Gaga videos, but Sam stood at the top of some stairs in his full BDSM angel ensemble. It took less than three seconds for every Cheerio in the room to stand back up and start fangirl screaming. Nari glared at them like she was plotting their deaths, but then turned her attention back to Sam. Those abs and lips belonged to her and later she'd make sure those bitches were aware of that fact.
I stand here waiting
For you to bang the gong
To crash the critic saying,
"Is it right or is it wrong?"
Nichole looked up and down her aisle "You all dated and then dumped HIM?!"
"Well, they dated him, but Sam and I did go to Junior Prom together as part of a group" corrected Rachel.
"You are all a bunch of fucking idiots."
I live for the applause, applause, applause
I live for the applause-plause
Live for the applause-plause
Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me
The applause, applause, applause
"Hey, Blaine? You know how I said once that we could never have a threesome because I didn't want to share you?"
"Yes Bas, I remember. I take it the BDSM angel is your exception."
"Yeah, but he'd have to wear the wings."
A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E (Make it real loud) (Ooh!)
A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E (Put your hands up, make 'em touch, touch) (Make it real loud!)
A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E (Make it real loud) (Oh whoa! Oh whoa!)
A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E (Put your hands up, make 'em touch, touch) (Oh whoa, ooh!)
A-R-T-P-O-P
When they were done, everyone, including the Blaine, had to admit that the New Directions had put on one hell of a show. As the Warblers left to go backstage, he began to doubt what he had put together "How are we going to beat that? Our performance is so different."
In what had become the norm, Trent was the voice of reason. "Yes, that was an over-the-top performance with two songs from two amazing divas. Our performance is subtle with several diva moments from the biggest diva we know…Blaine Anderson."
Sebastian gave him a nudge and a smile "Told you so. Now let's go kick some Schuster ass!"
Will on the other hand, was confident in what his club had just pulled off "There's no way Blaine and the Warblers can beat that. They don't do theatricality."
"Yeah, but when Mercedes stood up and said that she had worked with the Warblers, that was pretty diva" Puck said and motioned up to the girls who had been joined by Wes, David, Nari and her friends. "There's something going on there. Did Mercedes give any hints, Kurt?"
"I don't know what's going on. She's supposed to be one of my best friends yet she worked with Blaine and the Warblers. The person I know wouldn't do that."
Finn let out a huff and it was obvious he was angry. He had tried to hide what happened between him and Kurt, but that comment pushed him over the edge. "Maybe she found out that everything she thought about Blaine was a lie because she had trusted what you told her. I mean, you were his boyfriend. You were supposed to be the one that loved him. I need some air!" Finn walked away and Puck followed, ecstatic that it looked like whatever loyalty his best friend felt toward his step-brother had started to evaporate.
"Kurt? What was that all about?" Will asked, confused by what had happened.
"It's nothing. Just a misunderstanding between brothers." At least that was what Kurt hoped it was.
Meanwhile, the other group had a lighter mood as Quinn had kept her promise to explain the Will/Emma/Carl dynamic to Nichole. "My friends back at Harvard are not going to believe all this shit. Hell, if I tried to use half of this in my fucking Creative Writing class my professor would fail me for being too creative."
"You know, for going to an Ivy League school, you have the mouth of someone from Lima Heights." Santana really did like her.
Their conversation stopped when the New Directions started to come back in and Nari saw Sam. She ran toward him, jumped into his arms wrapping her legs around his waist and kissed him, hard. She wanted to leave no doubt that Sam was hers. However, it didn't faze the Cheerios at all. Sam may be off limits, but there was about to be a stage full of rich prep school boys and Valentine's Day was only two days away.
Finn and Puck got back right before the Warblers were due on stage, but instead of going to their seats next to Will and Kurt, they sat in the row in front of the girls. They were further surprised when Brittany came up and sat next to Santana "Britt, Hun? I thought you were going to sit with the New Directions?"
"I was but Cooper asked for my seat." Santana looked over and saw Cooper sitting in between Sam and Sugar. There was definitely something about to happen.
After the Warblers were introduced, Thad, and a now calm Nick, came out on the stage in their Dalton uniforms and started talking to each other. A few moments later, Doug came from the other side and tapped Nick on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, Senior Warblers?"
"What do you want First Year?" Thad asked, sounding annoyed as only Thad could.
Doug cleared his throat and began to sing… Anything you can do, I can do better.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
While Doug held the longest note they had ever heard Puck, Finn and the girls turned and looked at Rachel. "Yes, that's a high F, the note Kurt butchered in the first Diva-Off" she said, answering their implied question.
After they turned back to face the stage, Puck leaned over to Finn "Maybe we should have sat with Hummel. I bet his face was priceless."
The three walked off stage, but nothing happened. Then a voice came through the loud speaker. Blaine's voice.
This is a story about control. My control. Control of what I say, control of what I do. And this time I'm gonna do it my way. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. Are we ready? I am. 'Cause it's all about control. And I've got lots of it.
Those not in the New Directions for last year's Sectionals were in shock. "Can't they only do something that Blaine put together?" Brittany asked.
"They are" Quinn, Puck and Finn said in unison. When the lights finally came on the Warblers were standing on stage…wearing dress pants, white dinner jackets with black lapels and black bow ties. From their first move it was obvious the Anything you can do bit was done for a reason, and not just to piss off Kurt.
Santana noticed that like at this year's Sectionals, Blaine wasn't on stage for the first number. It also appeared that Sebastian, of course, would be singing Blaine's part and for some reason it made her laugh. "Well played, Blaine Warbler. Well played."
When I was 17, I did what people told me (Uh)
I did what my father said and let my mother mold me
But that was a long ago, I'm in...
(All) Control
Those in the know quickly noted that while the Warblers were doing the same choreography, every so often there was a different move and it was always much more complicated than the original. Whenever it happened, the girls turned to Quinn who would point at Puck and Finn. It answered so many questions.
(S) Got my own mind
I wanna make my own (decisions)
When it has to do with my life, my life
(Jeff) I wanna be the one in control
So let me take you by the hand and lead you on this dance
(S) 'Cause what I got is because I took a chance
(J) I don't wanna rule the world, just wanna run my life (Ooh)
(S) So make your life a little easier
When you get the chance, just take...
(All) Control, ooh ooh
Rachel couldn't wait any longer to ask her question "Quinn, why are the Warblers spread out? Wouldn't they want the formation to be tight like it was done at Sectionals?"
"They're doing to show that they don't have to hide people that can't dance like we did." This time she not only pointed to Puck and Finn, but also Kurt, and then…Hey, where did the band go?
(S) I wanna be the one in control
(All) I'm in control Uh
I'm in control Ah
I'm in control Uh
I'm in control Ah
As the Warblers headed off stage, Will caught on to something going on in the audience. Kitty had leaned forward and was talking to Artie and Tina. Carl was doing the same with Emma, David with Wes and Nari, Cooper with Sam and Sugar, and Mercedes with Puck and Finn. He looked to Kurt, who apparently didn't know any more than he did, but they both assumed it had to be something to do with Blaine.
As soon as Mercedes finished telling Puck and Finn, she reached under her seat, pulled out a box of tissues and handed it to Quinn who was sitting in the middle of the rest of the girls "I'm fine. Just listen to the words and remember what's going on in Blaine's life right now."
Before she could say anything else a spotlight hit the stage. Blaine was there, in his Dalton uniform, sitting at a piano. Santana caught her breath because he hadn't told her that he was playing again. She would be totally pissed, if she wasn't so happy. Then he started to play and what Mercedes said made sense. This was her song. The Anything you can do bit wouldn't work here. Would it?
What they didn't know was that this was also Blaine and Sugar's song.
Every day is so wonderful, and suddenly, it's hard to breath
Now and then I get insecure, from all the pain
Feel so ashamed
Another spotlight hit the stage to reveal a string quartet
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring me down, Oh no
So don't you bring me down today
Full lighting not only showed that Thad, Nick and Doug had joined Blaine to sing harmony, it answered the question of where the McKinley Band had gone.
To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?
Blaine turned to look directly at Sugar, who was being held by Cooper. He had debated doing this because of her, but in the end, he decided he wanted all of the secrecy from the previous year erased and to make sure everybody knew how much he loved his baby cousin.
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, no, no
Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring you down. Oh, no
So don't you bring me down today
The rest Warblers came on stage at that time, and then everything came full circle when Mercedes stood, pulled out a microphone and began walking toward the stage to do what Mercedes Jones did better than anyone…belt out those riffs.
No matter what we do (No matter what we do)
No matter what we say (No matter what we say)
We're the song that's out of tune, (yeah) full of beautiful mistakes (oh yeah)
And everywhere we go, (And everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine (The sun will always, always, shine)
Blaine and Mercedes picked up the last verse as a duet, but Cooper saw that something was wrong. Sebastian was not on stage. He stood up and walked Sugar toward the stage so no one would question his being up there. Once he sat her on the piano bench with Blaine, he turned and there in the wings was Sebastian…frozen, not taking his eyes off Blaine and totally unaware of the tears streaming down his face. Cooper tried to move him, but he wouldn't go. So instead, he just put his arm around him. He knew eventually Sebastian would say something, he was just unprepared for what it was.
"I'm not a fighter like B was, but I'm smart, maybe even too smart. I have no problem with the idea of ruining the life of anyone that hurts the people I love. But, I swear to god Cooper, if I am ever, ever, alone in a room with any of those bastards that hurt Blaine, I will kill him. Not figuratively, or hypothetically, but physically kill him and that scares the shit out of me."
Cooper watched his brother and marveled how joyful he was in that moment. There was only one thing to say "You'd have to get through me first, Sebastian. You'd have to get through me."
An hour later, after Will was done bitching about all the ways Blaine cheated, Emma and Carl made their way to the stage. Carl stepped forward to announce the decision. "We thought about this long and hard since both performances were spectacular."
Kitty let out a loud groan, figuring she knew where this was going "If you say it's a tie and that we are both winners, I will go out to the parking lot and slash your tires!"
"That's my girl!" Thad called out, earning him an air kiss from his girlfriend.
Emma gave Carl a nod, signifying that Kitty really would do what she threatened "Um, ok. I guess then you will be happy to hear that we did chose a winner. Emma?"
"Yes, we did. We decided to go by the truest meaning of Diva-Off and chose the Warblers as today's winner."
Will jumped up and yelled, which was not a good thing to do to your future wife two days before your wedding "How the hell did you decide that?"
Emma glared at him and then practically snarled "They sang notes your club couldn't, wore your clothes, sang your songs, danced in ways you could only dream of, used your band and recruited one of the biggest divas you've had to sing against you. They did all that while promising that they would do it better than you had, which they did. That sounds pretty fucking diva to me, William."
There was nothing to say after that.
The boys gave themselves pats on the back, but didn't want to be too obnoxious in their celebration since they had so many friends in the New Directions. Blaine decided to take it even one step further "Miss Pillsbury, Dr. Howell, we appreciate you choosing us, as we know your decision was difficult considering the performance the New Directions had. Because of that, I would like to make a change to our agreement so that the Old New Directions can mentor the new team, but only on a limited basis and any suggestions must go through Sam since he is captain."
"That's a wonderful gesture, Blaine, but now I'm going to ask you for one more. Blaine, would you and Sebastian please come to my wedding on Saturday?"
Sebastian smiled and mouthed "Ok", even though he would rather have a root canal than spend his first Valentine's with Blaine at that wedding. "We'd love to come, Miss Pillsbury."
People began to leave, but Sam found Blaine and pulled him into a bear hug "Thanks so much, bro. That's all any of us wanted, to have a say in what we're doing."
"You're welcome Sammy, but I need a favor in return."
That night, Sebastian was in Blaine's bed at the Motta's but sitting with his back against the headboard and had his eyes shut "This surprise of yours is taking forever. Can I open my eyes yet?"
"Almost. Ok, open your eyes." When he did, not only did Sebastian's eyes bug out and his jaw hit the floor, his dick sprung to life faster than it ever had before. Standing before him was one of his fantasies come true. Blaine was wearing the tight leather pants and the pink top with the shaggy, fake fur sleeves from earlier "Well, do I look like a diva?"
Words could not form, so Sebastian just nodded. Emphatically. He knew he was in trouble. The very, very good kind of trouble.
"So, we have a bit of a dilemma here" Blaine spoke in the tone that Sebastian thought would make his brain explode, as well as other parts of his body. "There are 12 girls down stairs having a slumber party, my brother is across the hall, my uncle is next door and I'm dressed like this. What are we going to do?"
"I can be quiet. I promise." Sebastian didn't want to beg, but who was he kidding. Those pants made his boyfriends ass look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
"Are you sure?" Sebastian went back to his emphatic nodding, but Blaine asked again "Are you sure you're sure?"
"Yes!"
"That was awfully loud." Blaine walked over to his dresser and pulled out a gag "I called Jeremiah a while back. You know, just in case."
"God, I love you" Sebastian said as he jumped out of bed and went to work on his other fantasy…getting Blaine out of that outfit.
Notes:
I'm a Diva: SHONDRAE L CRAWFORD, BEYONCE KNOWLES, SEAN GARRETT 2008
Applause: DINO ZISIS, JULIEN ARIAS, MARTIN BRESSO, NICK MONSON, NICOLAS MERCIER, PAUL EDWARD BLAIR, STEFANI GERMANOTTA, WILLIAM SAMI ETIENNE GRIGAHCINE 2012
Anything you can do (From the Musical, Annie Get Your Gun): Irving Berlin 1946
Control: James Harris III, Terry Lewis 1986
Beautiful: Linda Perry 2002
Emma's Diva speech is one of my favorite moments on Glee.
The outfit in question is the one Blaine wore on the show (Episode 4x13, Diva)
The back story behind Blaine and Mercedes surprising (hopefully) connection will be explained soon