It was surreal.
At first, Sango's brain hadn't been able to even comprehend the words that had come out of Inuyasha's mouth. The ground had shattered to pieces underneath her like ice, and she had been plunged into the freezing water below. Ultimately, it wasn't the words that had told her what had happened. Everything after "there was an accident" had dissolved into a loud buzzing somewhere between her ears and her brain. It was Inuyasha's tears that broke the news. Had she ever seen Inuyasha cry before? Maybe once, many years ago, but this…
"Sango…" Kagome's voice was soft and gentle. She put a hand on Sango's shoulder. Sango turned to face her friend. Tears were streaming down Kagome's face. "You're shaking…"
She was. Her whole body was trembling uncontrollably. She realised she had stopped breathing. She gasped for air, and when she did a sob came out. Her chest tightened unbearably. She fell forward into Kagome's arms. Her body accepted the reality before her mind did. Then the wave of realization crashed over her, swamping her, pulling her down into the black abyss.
"There was an accident. Miroku is dead."
Miroku is dead.
Miroku…
Sango couldn't bear it. It couldn't be true. She gripped Kagome's shirt as tight as she could as grief ripped her chest to shreds.
Sango's body was consumed with pain. Her throat was as dry as rice paper. She knew she was lying down. She tried to open her eyes, but her lashes clung together as if she hadn't opened them in days. She tried to turn her head. Her neck was so stiff that pain shot down her spine.
"Shippo, fetch Kagome, she's waking up." An unfamiliar voice spoke.
She felt a cool, damp rag gently wash her face. She managed to open her eyes a little bit. Even the dim light coming in from the doorway hurt her head. She closed them tight again and moaned. She tried opening her eyes again, just slightly. Someone was sitting with her. Her vision was blurry, but she could make out the kind, concerned features of a young monk. Maybe a little older than she was.
"Do not be afraid." he said, his voice was soft and gentle, "You're back at your village. You've been badly injured, and have been sick with fever for the past few days, but you are safe now."
She opened her mouth to ask what had happened. She had vague, blurry memories, but they were strange and confusing. A baboon...a demon in a red kimono...her brother, slaying her father and comrades…It was too much. She felt like she was choking.
The monk calmly brought a bowl of water to her lips and trickled some into her mouth. She tried to tip his hand so she could drink quicker, but his hand remained steady. He knew if she drank too much too fast she would become sick. Rationally she knew that too, but she did not care at the current moment. The monk patiently let her drink her fill, at his pace. Finally, after hydrating, her mind began to connect the pieces. Her father was dead. Kohaku had killed him. Kohaku, who was sweet and sensitive, Kohaku, who never wanted to be a demonslayer, had killed their father in cold blood.
"Your name is Sango, right?" Her attention was drawn back to the monk. His eyes were warm and compassionate. "I am called Miroku."
"Miroku…" She repeated. Her voice was still scratchy, despite the water. "Did you bring me here?"
"Inuyasha carried you." said Miroku.
Inuyasha. The name sparked another memory, but it was jumbled and confusing. He had destroyed her village...or, no...Naraku had only told her that...or...her head was pounding.
"My village…"
Miroku's eyes filled with sympathy.
"By the time we got here, it was too late to help. No one was left alive. You have my deepest condolences."
No one was left alive…
They were gone. Everyone was gone. Her father, her mother, her brother, her friends. Everyone she ever knew was dead. She couldn't breathe. It was too much. She was the only one left. No! She couldn't be the only one left.
Miroku took her hand.
"I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now. But I believe you survived for a reason. You have an incredible strength within you."
In spite of everything, the monk's warm, compassionate eyes helped her remain calm. During the following ten days, the worst ten days of Sango's life. Miroku and Kagome sat with her constantly. They were a constant source of hope, when everything else was swallowed up by despair.
"Sango…" Kagome's voice pulled Sango back to reality.
"What...what happened?" Sango managed to say.
Kagome wiped her own eyes. "We were slaying a Hone-onna."
A chill went down Sango's spine. She had encountered Hone-onna's before. They were skeleton women. Some of them were simply lost souls, entangled in some snare of grief that kept them bound to the world. But they could easily become vengeful.
"Miroku didn't want to simply slay her. He wanted to save her soul. He tried to purify her, but she was too strong."
He wanted to save her. That sounded just like him. He always tried to save people who could be saved.
Months had passed since Sango's village was destroyed. So much had happened, she bore little similarity to the carefree village girl who had left with her father on that ill fated mission. She had a new mission now. Kill Naraku.
The kind, compassionate monk that had sat with her patiently during those first dark days as she recovered had transformed once they had left the privacy of the destroyed village. He had proved to be a pervert and a crook. His wisdom and patience was often overshadowed by his greed and lechery. Still, Sango trusted no one more in battle. They were often so synchronized that they could communicate without words.
Then there was the battle at Mt. Hakurei, they had trapped together, surrounded by demons and miasma. She had been convinced during that battle that they were going to die. Miroku nearly killed himself to get her to safety, but she wouldn't leave him. She had clung to him and promised they would die together.
After that, Sango had thought, maybe something had changed between them, but Miroku didn't stop flirting. Nothing changed between them at all.
Until the encounter with the salamander demons. Sango was careless, going off alone and letting herself become possessed. It would have never happened had she brought Miroku with her, but she had been so angry at him at the time she didn't even want to see his face. And because of that anger, she nearly killed him, she nearly lost herself. It was stupid and reckless of her. Now they sat side by side by the river.
"Sango, I want you to hear my feelings."
She turned to look at him, but as she did, he turned his face away. He wouldn't look her in the eye.
"You're a very special woman to me." He said. Sango's heart sped up. She felt her face start to grow warm. "I've never had such strong feelings for a woman as I have for you."
Her heart was racing now. What was he saying?
"Except, there's one problem..."
That simple sentence stopped her heart cold.
"I feel like I cannot love you as an ordinary woman."
Instantly tears prickled in Sango's eyes. She bit her lip. It was all she could do not to cry.
"You are my comrade, the woman I fight alongside."
"Oh, I know that." Sango said, making a conscious effort to keep her voice steady. She wouldn't allow him to hear her pain. "You don't need to tell me. I knew how you felt. It's not as if…" Her voice started to break. "As if I hoped you would love me. I never thought that."
She started to get up. She had to leave. She had to get away from him while she still had some semblance of dignity left.
"Sango…"
"Well you said it all, right? I'm going."
"I'm just getting started." He said. She didn't sit back down. She wanted to be able to run if she needed to, if she couldn't keep her tears obediently in her eyes. But she didn't walk away. She would hear him out, no matter how bad it hurt.
"If this battle with Naraku ever comes to an end and the curse of my wind tunnel is broken, if I make it out alive...if we made it that far, would you come live with me?"
She froze.
"Would you bear my children, Sango?"
Sango drew a breath. This wasn't him flirting. This wasn't him being a pervert. He was being sincere. If they both somehow survived, he wanted to marry her. She wanted it, too. She wanted it so badly. The tears she had been holding back finally fell. She dropped to her knees.
"Sango?"
"Yes," she managed to sob.
"I need to see him." Sango said. Kagome nodded. "Inuyasha brought his body to Kaede's house to be prepared for burial. I didn't think it would be a good idea to let the kids see him before you had the chance to speak with them."
Sango nodded, thankful for her friend's foresight. She knew she would need to explain things to the children, but she would need to mourn privately before she had the strength to comfort them.
She walked with Kagome to Lady Kaede's house. Rin was sitting outside, crying. Sango walked past her. She entered the small house, Kaede bowed her head when she saw who was at the door.
Miroku's body was lying on a mat in the center of the room. She walked slowly over to him and dropped to her knees. There was a long cut across his face, blood in the cracks of his lips. In the center of his chest was a large dark stain on his robes. She touched his skin. He was already cold. His face pale in death.
"Oh, Miroku…" she was shaking again. She buried her face into his chest and wept.
The forest was dark. The only light came from the distant campfire, and Lady Kikyo's hands. Sango sat, holding Miroku's hand. She had tried to clean him up as much as she could, but he still has dried blood crusted around his eyes and in the cracks of his lips. He had sucked up too much miasma. So much that it nearly killed him. For a terrible moment, Sango thought that it had. Inuyasha had managed to stop him in time, but even now, Sango wasn't sure whether or not the monk would live.
Why did you do that, Miroku? Sango wondered, though she knew the answer. He did it for her. If he had managed to pull Naraku or the infant into his wind tunnel, he would have certainly died, but Kohaku would be able to live. Sango would have one member of her family back at long last. But it wasn't worth Miroku's death. She would give her own life for Kohaku's without a moment of hesitation, but not Miroku's. He looked so weak, so helpless. There was nothing she could do to help him other than pray.
Please, Miroku. Please, come back to me.
This time no amount of praying would wake him. He would never open his eyes again. He would never laugh again. He would never again take her in his arms, sweep her off her feet with a passionate kiss. They would never again make love, or stay up late into the night talking. She would bear him no more children.
"Sango, the twins are looking for you."
She stood up and wiped her tears. Her pain had to wait now. It was time to be a mother. She went outside to greet her children.
"Mommy!" Kin'u said, "look what sister and I found!"
"Mommy? What's wrong, you look sad…" said Gyokuto. Hisui clung to her skirt.
Sango knelt down to look at her children. Three pairs of apprehensive eyes stared back up at her.
"There is something I need to tell you. It's about your father..." Sango began.
The pain was worse than she had imagined, and she had imagined a lot. Kaede worked down by her legs, while Rin wiped the sweat from her face.
"You're doing great, Sango." the little girl said.
Sango pushed hard with her next contraction, and was rewarded with the sound of a baby crying. She was halfway through.
Rin hurried to take the first baby from Kaede and wash them off. "It's a girl!" She announced happily. Before Sango could feel joy over this, another contraction ripped through her body.
"Ye are nearly there, Sango." Kaede said.
Sango gave all the energy she had left into that final push, and seconds later another cry pierced the air.
"Another girl." Kaede announced. "Ye did great, Sango. They look like fine babes."
"I want to see them." Sango said. Rin had finished cleaning off the first baby, and swaddled her in a blanket. She brought the baby to Sango and handed her over. Sango thought she had run out of energy, but seeing her daughter's face had re-energized her. She was so beautiful. Absolutely perfect. Her little lips like flower petals. Her little hands curled into fists. Then Kaede lay the second baby next to her in Sango's other arm. Sango was so absorbed in their tiny little faces, she was unaware of Rin and Kaede cleaning up around her. It was a voice at the door that finally broke her hypnosis.
"How's everything going in here?"
Sango looked up to see Miroku.
"Miroku, come see our daughters."
Miroku went over to Sango. She could see his eyes grow misty as he set eyes on the babies.
"They're perfect." He said, he kissed her. She was left breathless. "I can't believe it. You did so well."
"We made them." Sango whispered.
Miroku kissed her again.
"Thank you, Sango. You have truly made me the luckiest man in the world."
The wake and burial went by in a blur. Sango was too busy comforting her children to fully feel her own grief. It wasn't until long after they went to bed, that she went out to sit by his grave. She lit incense and left an offering of sake.
"It was always you who performed the funeral rites." Sango said. "For my family, and my father. For any unfortunate lost soul we come across on our journey. You always made sure they got their funeral rites so they could pass on in peace. Even if Inuyasha grumbled that it would slow us down. Even if it was a whole town that was slaughtered. You always marked every single grave."
Tears flowed down her face, she didn't wipe them away. He could have her tears, he could have all of her.
"I'm not sure what to do without you. I'm not sure where to start...I should have been there. I should have been with you. I'm sorry. I'll never love anyone the way I loved you. But I don't want you to worry. I'll be strong. For you, for our children. You can rest in peace, my monk."
Dedicated to Kirby Morrow, the most talented voice actor who brought Miroku to life. Rest in Peace.