His heart was heavy, Tasha's words still echoing in his ears when Jane came to him, the hurt in her eyes almost unbearable to look at.
He reached for her silently, not bothering to ask if she was okay. Pulled her into his arms as tightly as he could, felt her cling to him like her life depended on it.
She felt raw and needy in his arms, not at all her usual steady contained self. It made him want to bundle her up and take her away from all the pain in their lives. Even though he was powerless to do so, didn't have much to offer in their current situation except his love and determination.
He could feel everything in the way she held onto him, the loss of their friend, her empathy for Tasha, the survivor's guilt they all felt. There was something more too, her grasp so desperate he could barely breathe within it. But still no words came out of her, just a series of long hitched breaths. So he did all he could, just held her as steadily as he could until her grip finally loosened and she lifted her head from his shoulder.
There were a few wet streaks on her face and he brushed them away with his thumb, eyed her in concern.
"Do you want to talk?" he asked.
Jane shook her head but looked deep into his eyes, her expression a muddy unreadable mix.
"It could have been you. It could have been all of you," she said, barely audibly.
"And I'm so sad and angry about Reade but so goddamned relieved that it wasn't you. It makes me feel horrible about myself. But I can't help it."
"Oh Jane," Kurt sighed, pressing his lips to her forehead. "That doesn't mean anything. I'm thankful everyday that I let you take first watch. The thought of you being in there, what could have happened. It could have been any of us and it's only human to feel the way you do."
Jane shook her head woefully then buried it into his chest.
"I thought I was only going to find pieces of you," she mumbled quickly, as if afraid to say the words even then. "That I was going to be alone again."
She paused, peeked up at him, her eyes shifting colours in the dim light.
"It's been so hard not being with you, not even knowing where you were, if something had happened to you."
He was surprised by her tone, how upset she sounded. He'd been so broken without her but never once had he considered that she'd be so affected too.
His heart cracked a little bit more, even now, just remembering how much he had missed her; how bleak everything had seemed without her by his side. Being on the run with only half his heart had brought back all of those old hurts. Even though he had agreed in theory this time, in practice it was still just as hard being apart from her; not knowing where she was, how she was, if she was safe.
Weller had to admit he'd felt pathetic, wandering around Venice alone, living in the past. But he'd been desperate to feel connected to her and it had been the best he could do to quell that need.
He had just always assumed that she could handle the time apart much better than him. After all her time on the run, how she had felt parts of herself reawaken when out on her own, how intensely independent she could be. It had never occurred to him that she'd miss him the way he missed her.
"Hey, it's okay," he murmured into her hair. "I'm here now."
He wanted to promise he would be there for her forever, that he would never leave her alone in the world. But the truth was he'd make Reade's choice in a heartbeat if it ever came down it, would have to act before she had a chance to do the same.
Sometimes it was like she could read his mind, follow his thoughts as if they were visible above him. Tilting her head, Jane looked up at him with fierce yet teary eyes.
"That's not good enough," she said. "I can't lose you, Kurt. Not ever. I've already been broken so many times in my life. But that, it's the one thing I couldn't survive."
It shattered him to hear her say things like that, to think about her hurting that badly. And worse, he never knew what to say back. Any reassurances sounded trite and pathetic to him, especially when their situation was so precarious.
So all he could do was pull her into a soft kiss, his hands framing her face as his lips met hers.
"We're both here now, and I will do everything in my power to keep things that way," he said as he pulled back to breathe and look at her affectionately.
"And it might put us in more danger but I am so goddamned happy to be here with you, Jane. I missed you so much. Being apart really reminded me that no matter what, I don't want to be on my own, I want to face everything together."
Jane looked up at him with watery eyes and a small smile.
"Yeah, me too," she said. "I forgot how hard it was, being away from you. Last time at least it forced me to figure things out about myself. But I was never happy, Kurt. Not ever, not the way I was when I was with you."
That makes two of us, Weller thought as he wrapped his arms around her again tightly, tucking her head in under his chin. He could feel the warmth of her breath through his shirt as he tried to tamp down his own emotions, the surge of loneliness he felt whenever he thought of those long months searching for her. He had been so depressed and miserable, it was something he tried to avoid thinking about as much as possible. He definitely did not want to think about it now, when he had her right there in his arms.
So he shushed her quietly for a bit, rubbed her back up and down until she shed some of her tension, snuggled deeper into his chest.
"Let's not talk about being apart," he said when she finally felt more settled. "Right now you're here and I'm here and I have no intention of letting that change. I'll always be here for you, Jane. And together, I have faith that we can do anything."
She stayed buried in him for another long moment as he continued to run his hand along her spine, trying to ease away the rest of her tension. When she finally looked up at him again, her eyes were still shimmery but her half-smile was less tinted in sadness.
"Hmm," she mused, her eyes turning the slightest bit coy. "Anything huh. You have any suggestions on where to start?"
Kurt raised his eyebrows at her change in tone, felt a small grin start to spread across his face.
"Oh I have a few thoughts," he said, tilting her jaw up and kissing her gently at first, then with a fierceness borne of fear and longing as she clung to him once more, refused to let him go.