Weller had never really considered what it meant to live underground, both literally and figuratively. He had caught so many criminals in his time but never understood what it was to live like one. How it felt when society labeled you an outcast, how much it stung to have his name, all their names dragged through the mud. How fragile it all made him feel, like his life could just be all taken away in an instant.
All he had was his integrity, his family. Stripped of those essentials his gut felt heavy, even as he recognized how relatively lucky he was. At least he had Jane there, without her he had really been sinking in despair.
At the moment though, Kurt could feel that bleakness encroaching again. He was still a turmoil of dark emotion, mostly just upset with the situation, a bit with himself. Having cooled down a bit, he could see he hadn't been acting rationally, that he had let his emotional need for a quick and easy solution to their problems overtake him in the moment. And if he was being honest with himself, Weller had to admit it was his tendency to become unreasonable in the face of losing his loved ones, that he would have died more than once doing something stupid if he hadn't been talked out of it by more rational minds.
So he was stuck in the place of still being angry at the situation, at losing their most valuable lead. Yet grudgingly glad that Jane was calling the shots now, had not let him make a likely fatal decision for all of them.
Weller rubbed his forehead and groaned, a pit of frustration and gloom settling in deep within his gut. As always, his thoughts fell on missing his daughter, disappointing her by inexplicably disappearing from her life.
He pulled out the drawing, the only real piece of her he had with him on the run. They'd had to ditch everything else personal but the picture only had significance to him and he'd kept it as close to his heart as he could, the way he'd been instructed.
As if summoned by his thought, Jane appeared in the room then, came and sat on the end of his bunk, put her hand on his leg comfortingly. He eyed her, already knowing what she'd come to tell him and chafing a bit at having been wrong.
"I know what you're going to say," he said, heading her off before she could start speaking. "That I put too much hope into that phone to get us our lives back."
She didn't say anything but he could feel her concern in the way she squeezed his calf, rubbed her thumb along his shin bone.
"And that I have to accept this place as our home for now. Maybe forever."
Just saying it made his stomach curl; he hated the idea of settling into that life, adapting to the circumstances. But it wasn't doing him any good to deny reality, was only adding stress to the situation.
"No, not forever," Jane replied. "Yeah, we might never be FBI again and we may need to search for many new homes."
"But this is far from over. We will stop Madeline. And you will see Bethany again, I promise."
Kurt looked at his wife, wondered how she could sound so sure. Then he thought of all the things he'd promised her, way back when he shouldn't have been guaranteeing anything to a stranger with no memory and extremely questionable origins. Just like she couldn't promise anything about their future, whether they would even live to see another day. They could have easily died in Helsinki more than once, could be traced to the bunker and murdered in their sleep.
And yet her quiet determination was the only thing getting him through at the moment, the way she was holding everything together for the both of them, making the difficult decisions. It certainly didn't make him feel great about himself knowing that he was leaning on her so much when she already had so much on her plate. So he had to do a better job of holding it together, keeping himself in check so she didn't have an additional worry to deal with.
Weller closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to look at her thinking how fucking thankful he was to have her there with him.
"I'm sorry I lost it earlier," he mumbled. "You made the right call."
"Hey," Jane said, the one word infused with so much concern.
She reached her hand out to tug at his, ran her thumb along his palm.
"Come sit over here," she said, pulling him towards her until he had rotated ninety degrees and was sitting next to her, their legs hanging off the side of the bunk.
Jane sidled over until their hips were touching firmly, their joined hands sitting on his knee. Then she turned in towards him, her eyes flickering with affection.
"You don't have to apologize for your heart, Kurt," she said. "I can see how hard this all is for you. Just remember I'm here for you. We're all here for you. Just like you've been there for all of us."
He teared up again, shook his head at his over-emotional reaction to her words.
"It's okay," she said, giving his hand a squeeze. "I know you're disappointed, we all are. But we're going to find a way, we always do."
Weller nodded, her words sinking in, helping push away the bleakness he'd been stewing in.
"Thank god you're the one making the decisions," he muttered.
Jane scoffed, shook her head at him.
"Don't sell yourself short, mister," she replied, giving his shoulder a little nudge. "I couldn't do any of this without you."
It wasn't true but he wasn't going to fight her on it. Kurt slung his arm around his wife, rubbed her shoulder as he pulled her to him.
"Thanks," he said. "I'm just so grateful you're here. I was really losing it on my own."
Jane reached over and pulled him into a hug, resting her head on his chest for a long soothing moment. Weller breathed her in; gathered up all that physical and emotional reassurance he could only get from her.
Some immeasurable amount of time later Jane lifted her head, looked at him appraisingly.
"Better?" she asked.
Kurt nodded, even managed a wan grin.
"Yeah," he said. "I'm okay now. It's a setback but you're right, we'll find a way around it and we will see Bethany again. I know we will."
Jane gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed him hard once more, making warmth spread throughout his body.
"Good," she said. "I'm going to check on Patterson now, I think she's done listening to her dad's messages. I hope she's alright."
Kurt nodded, feeling a hit of pride at how capable a leader she was.
"Great idea," he replied. "You're really good at this you know."
Jane rolled her eyes at him a little but he could tell she appreciated his encouragement. She had a lot on her shoulders, he had to do whatever he could to help. Especially if he was going to add to her burden by losing his shit on occasion.
Alone in his bunk, Weller lay down again, looking at Bee's picture once more. It still filled him with melancholy to think about his daughter but now at least that sadness was tinged with hope, not despair. He held the picture close to his heart, sent all his love out to his daughter, and then kissed it and put it back in its safe spot above his bunk.
I'm going to see you again soon, he mentally projected across the world to his little girl.
We're going to fix this and come home.