A/N: Oops, life happened and I got seriously behind in this. Trying to catch up now!
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By the time he got back to the bunker Weller felt dead inside; defeated and ashamed. Even though they hadn't needed to flee the bunker, he knew that he had given something up to Ivy, had put them all in more danger.
The entire ride home he had felt pathetic, guilty as hell for having broken so readily. But also incredibly anxious to see Jane, despite being deeply afraid; scared of what condition he would find her in, what she thought about his performance. He hated that he couldn't tell if it was still the drugs or if it was just him now; wondered how long the residual effects of it would stay in his system tormenting him.
Because there was still a crack in the very centre of him, one that wouldn't start to heal until he saw her, proved to himself that she was alive and okay. The fear drilled into him by the irrational thought that kept popping up in his head – that Tasha had been lying to him to get him back without falling to pieces.
Every cell in his body longed for her after everything he'd just been through, all the demons that had been dug up. Kurt still felt so vulnerable and she was his safe space. He wished he could just curl up in her arms, be absolved of his failure. But at the moment he would be happy just to touch her, watch her breathe.
Weller rushed into the bunker, never having been happier to see the place. Not seeing anyone around at first, he felt his fear looming and headed for the room he shared with Jane.
Along the way, however, he ran into Patterson and Rich bickering as they gathered blood soaked sheets into trash bags.
All three of them froze at the same time, Patterson still holding the stained sheets up in disgust, Kurt staring at it with ice in his belly. He wanted to ask where Jane was, if she was okay but all he could do was gape at the gory scene before him, picture what had happened.
"Kurt, Kurt," Patterson called as she finally started to move again, throwing away the fabric soaked in his wife's blood. "It's okay. I know it looks bad but she's fine."'
Weller forced himself to look up at Patterson, listen to her words. The fear still ate at him but reason was starting to poke through.
"You saved her life," he mumbled as a wave of gratitude crashed over him. "I can't thank you enough. Both of you."
"I can think of a lot of ways you guys can thank me," Rich replied with raised eyebrows and faux innuendo.
Patterson sighed and rolled her eyes at Rich, then gave Weller a sympathetic smile.
"Jane saved herself," she said. "I still don't understand how she did it. She'd already lost so much blood but she managed to stay conscious and talk me through it. There's no way I could have done it otherwise."
Weller could still see a lot of residual anxiety in her, felt his shoulders become even tighter knowing that Patterson had gotten that panicked about the situation. It took a lot to shake her, considering how many times she had saved their lives in the nick of time. And it was all his fault for having been abducted, leaving Jane and the rest of them in that position.
"She's sleeping in your room," Patterson added. "But she told us to wake her when you got back."
Weller bit back a small smile, felt some of his fear slough off. At least she was anxious to see him too, that was a good sign.
Still, he shook his head and told them that he wanted to let her rest. Was about to walk away when he stopped and glanced back at them.
"How bad was the video?" he asked. "Are you sure I didn't give us away?"
It sounded pathetic, even to himself. But Kurt had to know, wanted to at least be prepared for when he had to watch the thing himself.
Patterson and Rich looked at each other, then turned to him apprehensively. Even Rich looked to be at a loss for words, which was definitely not a good sign.
"Truthfully, it was pretty brutal to watch," Patterson finally replied. "But don't worry Kurt, you held out as well as anyone could. Nothing you said can lead Ivy to us."
Weller shook his head, knew that Patterson was just placating him. He'd only been drugged and interrogated for a few hours and had been broken so easily. He thought about Jane, tortured for three months without saying a word. Patterson too, tortured by Shepherd without giving her anything. Even Rich had gone through months of abuse and just annoyed the CIA with his usual BS.
He felt so weak and ashamed that he couldn't contain it, felt it spilling out of him even as he tried to clamp it all down.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, glancing away from their eyes. "I screwed up. I shouldn't have given her anything."
"No, no, no, you didn't screw up," Patterson replied quickly. "Look, everything's going to be fine, just go be with Jane okay? Even if she's sleeping, you both need it."
That much was certainly true, he absolutely had to see her, despite his apprehension at how she'd react to him.
Weller nodded and headed to their room, froze when he got to the doorway and saw her. Jane was propped up on pillows and even from afar he could see what the day had cost her. Her pallor was grey and she looked to be in pain even in her sleep. He walked up to her and exhaled heavily. Watched numbly as her chest rose and fell ever so slightly.
She looked so frail, something he'd hoped never to see again. His chest felt tight and he forgot to breathe for a long while as he watched her grimace in her sleep; thinking of everything she'd just been through. They had pulled a bullet out of her down there. After she'd almost bled out due to her dedication to finding him.
Kurt wanted to touch her, his hand drawn to her cheek magnetically. But he didn't dare disturb her rest. He had just needed to see for himself that she was alive and recovering. Because though he hated it, he was a little apprehensive to talk to his wife. He didn't know what she thought of him after he'd been so exposed. He hadn't even managed a few hours with Ivy without giving something up. Had she let herself almost bleed to death because she knew he couldn't take it? It was no secret he was having a hard time of it, being on the run. Weller had already not been feeling very useful or proud of himself. Now he felt even worse.
Fuck, was it the drug residue pushing his fears again? It was impossible to tell. Kurt groaned internally, needing to talk to Jane and get her reassurance about everything but nervous to do so. He hated feeling so conflicted about her, almost as much as he hated her looking so gaunt.
As if she sensed his presence, Jane started to mumble dreamily and Weller leaned down towards her, both dying to see her eyes open for him yet knowing he should let her sleep. He decided to see what would happen, let Jane choose for herself.
His hand was dangling close to the bed and she reached for it unconsciously. So he slipped his fingers into hers, lightly held her fingertips on the bed.
He could see that she was fighting for the surface and he couldn't help but lean over to kiss the top of her head, make soothing noises as her eyelids flickered.
"Shhh, you sleep," he hummed in her ear.
"Mmm, I'm 'kay," Jane muttered.
He grinned at that, her unrelenting spirit. Of course she was, even pale as death.
"I know. And I'm so thankful. But sleep, Jane. I'll be right here when you wake."
For once she didn't argue, couldn't hold onto the slippery edge of consciousness and drifted off again, her eyes never having even fully opened.
Kurt stood there holding her hand, stroking her knuckles with his thumb until she was finally settled again. Then he carefully slipped his hand away and pulled up a chair to watch her sleep, his head still full of everything he'd seen. He knew he should watch the video too, see for himself what it had looked like from the outside but he couldn't confront it yet. Really, he knew most of what was in the video, he certainly remembered all the key parts. What mattered was what Jane thought.
Now that Weller could watch his wife breathe and see the colour start to seep back into her, his most urgent fear started to abate. She really was doing okay as far as he could tell; he didn't see any bleeding from her wound, and she seemed to be resting more comfortably since he'd sat down.
But as he watched her sleep that other fear kept circling in his mind. What did she think of him now? Had her opinion of him changed as much as his own opinion of himself? He didn't think he could take that. Disappoint her that much and still accept her love. Because he knew she would still love him, treat him exactly the same, tell him it was okay. But it would always be there, he would know that he'd failed her.
Kurt sat and stewed, chewing endlessly on his most sensitive thoughts. He didn't deserve her, all of her misplaced loyalty. Could she really love him that much? Would she still after waking up?
He wanted to see her wake so badly and yet was so unsure of what she would say. When Jane finally stirred after a couple of hours, Weller was, at first, flooded with relief seeing that she already looked healthier than when he had first sat down. But then he was again seized by that irrational fear, the thought that she wouldn't love him anymore after seeing his darkest fears, how he broke.
Then she opened her eyes slowly and honed in on him immediately, a light smile drifting across her lips. He felt warmth flood his body as she smiled at him, melting the icy fear in him ever so slightly.
"Hey, when did you get here? I told them to wake me," she said, her eyes lit with happiness.
Of course you did, he thought. Just like you're about to tell me you're fine even though you almost died today and appear to be in a boatload of pain.
"A couple hours ago, I didn't want to wake you," he said.
He opened his mouth again to ask how she was feeling but instead, his most urgent worry came tumbling out. Weller wondered again if it was still the drug, then told himself crossly that he couldn't just keep blaming everything on that.
"Did you watch the video?"
He could hear all of his anxieties resounding in his question, wondered if Jane could sense them too.
Did you see me break? Did you watch me fail you? Do you still love me?
"Yeah, come here," she replied, reaching for him right away.
At least she still wanted him close, Kurt thought, moving up to sit on the edge of her bed and taking her outstretched hand for a moment before she used it to gripped his arm comfortingly.
"I didn't say where we were, but I did say bunker. She broke me, Jane."
I'm ashamed of myself. A stronger person would have withstood the test. I'm not worthy of your love.
But Jane looked at him so tenderly as she reassured him that he had been strong for them that he couldn't resist falling towards the absolution she offered, despite the anxieties still tugging at his neurons.
"Are we doing the right thing out here?" he asked, moving right along to the next fear on his mind. "The world thinks we're terrorists now."
But again she immediately pushed away his worry and unearthed the fear underneath, latched onto the real terror, hidden so deep he almost couldn't voice it.
"But we're not," she said. "And Kurt, all those things you were saying back there about us, about you. You know those are just fears right? And it doesn't make them true."
But they had all seemed so real, were unrelenting even now. And he had wanted to kill Ivy, could still feel the urge just telling Jane about it. He had felt his finger itching to pull that trigger after everything she'd just put him through, knowing that she was a terrorist and a key conspirator of Madeline's too. Which just led him to the ultimate question, the real fear behind it all.
"What if I'm not the man that I think I am?" he asked plaintively.
He didn't know what kind of reply he was going to get, felt his very foundations shaken by what had happened to him that day. And she had seen it all too, suffered through watching him break down in weakness.
But of course Jane gave him an intensely loving look, steeped in understanding and sincerity before telling him so surely who he was to her.
"I know who you are. You're Kurt Weller. You're my husband. And you have fear and darkness and love and light inside of you just like me and everyone else. And you are a good man, do you hear me?
She reached for his hand as his heart finally settled a little bit, started to beat again.
"Thank you," he said, finding no other words for her at the moment. She kept on giving him everything he needed, even when she was the one who was gravely hurt.
With his own self confidence so shaky, her belief in him shored him up immeasurably. No one knew him better than her, he'd never been entirely himself for anyone else. So he was glad that she acknowledged the dark in him before assuring him that he was a good man, looking like she'd fight him on it if he were to challenge her about it.
She was so strong in every way for him and it awed him constantly. Even as she brought him down to kiss her, he wanted to crawl in there with her, feel the security of having her wrapped around him..
But as Kurt pulled away from the kiss he bit down hard on his personal worries, trying to extinguish the niggling self-doubt crawling around in his belly. If Jane said it was alright, then at least it made it true to him.
"Lie with me," she said as he studied her closely.
"No," he replied, seeing the sheen that was starting to cover her eyes. "You're still in pain, I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm fine," Jane insisted with an irritated huff and a furrow of her brow.
Kurt shook his head at her, a small smile pulling at his lip.
"Yeah, you keep saying," he said with a sigh.
Jane's frown deepened and she looked at him in confusion, which only made his grin settle in harder as he kissed her on the forehead before bringing his own head down to nuzzle lightly against hers.
"You're absolutely ridiculous," he murmured straight into her skin. "I love you so much."
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"What if I'm not the man that I think I am?"
Jane heard what he didn't ask, the silent question. Kurt looked so low on himself, had such a defeated energy to him. It hurt more than her wound at the moment and that was saying a lot.
That he thought what happened could change her opinion of him, make her think any less of him. She of all people knew the fears that Kurt had, that he worried more than necessary about being a good husband, a good father, a good man.
All of his demons were entrenched in self doubt, not his actions.
"I know who you are," she told him, straight from the depths of her heart. "You're Kurt Weller. You're my husband. And you have fear and darkness and love and light inside of you just like me and everyone else. And you are a good man, do you hear me?"
She reached for him and he took her hand with relief, gave her a beseeching look.
"Thank you," he said, as if he needed to thank her for anything. He was the one who'd been captured and chemically traumatized.
She needed to touch him, run her hands all over him to prove to herself that he was safe. But her own achiness only allowed her to bring him down into a kiss.
"Lie down with me," she said as Kurt eyed her closely.
"No," he replied. "You're still in pain, I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm fine," she argued, willing to sacrifice her physical comfort for the emotional desire to have him hold her.
Kurt shook his head a little, a smile tugging at his lip.
"Yeah, you keep saying," he sighed.
She frowned, unsure what he was referring to. But then he distracted her by kissing her on the forehead; snuggling his face against hers.
"You're absolutely ridiculous," he breathed. "I love you so much."
Jane smiled back at him, still a bit confused but fine with the result of having Kurt nuzzled up to her. He must have seen the question in her eyes though, because he kissed her again on the bridge of her nose before sitting up and looking down at her adoringly.
"Mm, you don't remember because you weren't even awake. But you were sure you were fine," he explained, with an affectionate smile.
Jane rolled her eyes, a little annoyed at his amusement. She really did feel immensely better after getting the transfusion and some rest. The rest was just soreness from the surgery and the stitching, nothing that she hadn't dealt with before.
"Well I am," she said. "I feel a lot better."
"Yeah of course you do," Kurt said, his tone changing a bit, his eyes becoming more serious too.
Jane felt the shift in the atmosphere, eyed her husband warily.
"What?" she asked, when she couldn't take the pressure anymore.
"Tell me," he said. "How you really feel."
"I already said," she replied. "A lot better."
But she already could tell he wouldn't let it go, no more than she would let him get away with the same. Kurt gave her a stern, disappointed look.
"That's a bullshit answer and you know it."
Jane sighed, knew she had to give him more.
"I think I'm okay, really," she said. "The hemorrhaging stopped once we got the bullet out and it doesn't seem to have hit anything essential. As long as nothing gets infected, I should be fine."
"Jane," Kurt growled, a warning in his voice she'd heard very rarely. "Stop it. Please."
Jane lay back and closed her eyes. Took a breath and bit down hard on her lip. How did she feel? Exhausted, spent in every way. Her side seared, the meds having worn off. She wanted to crawl into his arms and hold him for ages but she could barely move without agonizing pain.
She could tell she wasn't going to push him off any longer without a slice of the truth but he didn't need to know the extent of it. Not when it would just make him worry needlessly.
"Okay," she conceded. "It hurts."
Kurt sighed, gave her a look infused with love and sympathy.
"I know, I can see it in your face," he said. "Why do I have to fight so hard for it? It's okay Jane, I'm here now. You don't have to tough it out anymore."
"But I do," she replied, complete honesty coming out for once. "For you and for everyone else. I almost screwed everything up by getting shot while you were missing. Talk about bad timing."
She laughed a little, then grunted at the effort. Kurt frowned at her expression and grabbed her hand as he tried to kiss her pain away, constantly asking if she wanted more meds.
Jane shook her head and Kurt groaned dramatically.
"Then tell me what happened," he said.
She didn't want to talk to him about it, could still feel all that worry for him jammed in her as she fought her own weakening body. And honestly, he didn't need to know the gory details, not when it would just upset him more.
"You already know what happened, Kurt," she sighed. "I got shot and Patterson took the bullet out."
"That is a crazy statement Jane," he retorted, his voice rising with alarm. "You let Patterson perform surgery on you in the bunker. So many things could have gone wrong."
"More like I forced her to do it," Jane said. "She saved my life. They both did. I'm so proud of them. And you. I can't believe it all worked out."
She wanted to stick to the positives, pull Kurt away from the trauma of what had happened. But he was bullheaded as always, refused to let it go.
"The way I heard it you hid the fact that you were bleeding out until you blacked out. Then you let them start surgery on you before the blood got here. What were you thinking?"
Well, that was an easy one at least.
"You," she replied. "That's all that was in my mind. I needed to find you, nothing else mattered."
Kurt groaned, scrubbed at his eyes with his palms.
"You are so stubborn. You were dying, Jane. If Rich hadn't gotten here with the blood…"
"I'm not the only stubborn one," Jane said. "If I'd passed out during the surgery Zapata would have given me blood without my consent. I couldn't let that happen."
That stopped Kurt's onslaught of concern abruptly, a quizzical look crossing his face.
"Wait. What?"
Right, of course Tasha hadn't told him that part.
Jane sighed.
"The only reason we had to wait so long was because I refused to let Tasha give me a transfusion. Because she's pregnant."
"What the hell!" Kurt exploded. "She didn't say anything on the train."
"I think she's regretting saying anything at all, even considering the situation," Jane replied wryly.
But then she paused, remembering how willing Tasha had been to give her the transfusion and a rush of emotion got caught in her chest.
"She was going to risk herself and her baby for me, Kurt. I couldn't let that happen."
"Of course not. You'd prefer to bleed to death in a bunker," he replied, shaking his head at her.
Jane laughed a bit, then grimaced at the effect of it on her wound.
"I owe them a lot," she said, looking hard into his eyes.
"Yeah me too," Kurt replied. "But I owe everything to you Jane. Thank you for being so frustratingly stubborn. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."
Of course he was apologizing for being absent due to kidnap and torture. He wouldn't be Kurt Weller otherwise.
Jane looked up at him, her gaze full of affection and relief.
"Don't be ridiculous, Kurt. Anyways, it was probably better you weren't here. As much as I could have used your comfort. I'm glad you didn't have to see it."
He shook his head, his eyes overflowing with frustrated emotion.
"Tell me what you need," he said, his own need to take care of her so clearly etched in his voice.
I need this not to hurt so I can curl into you. But I won't say that because you'll try to do the impossible, no matter the cost.
"I have everything I need, Kurt. You're here and you're safe," she murmured. "You should sleep, though."
Kurt looked a little alarmed at her suggestion, shivered as he responded.
"I'm not going to sleep."
Jane sighed, wanting to just pull him into her arms.
"You need to rest," she said. "You've been through so much."
"You're one to talk," Kurt replied with a frown.
"I've already slept," she argued.
"Yeah, well your face tells me you could use a lot more."
Jane tilted her head at her husband, felt them falling into the trap of mutual stubbornness and over-protectiveness. Really all she wanted was to have him close, to feel his presence after being so worried for him all day.
"Okay, then come sit with me," she said, lifting her legs momentarily and reaching out her hand to guide him until he was sitting at the foot of her bed perpendicular to her. Then she put her legs back down and grinned as he found her left hand with his right.
"I just want to be here with you."
Kurt ran his thumb over her knuckles, his other hand idly stroking her shin. It was like lying on the couch together in a different life, one that felt so foreign at the moment. Yet it was all the same too. At home after a tough mission or in a bunker with throbbing pain in her belly and an ache in her heart. The only thing she needed was him.