Weller was sure he had never laid so still in his life, too afraid to sleep for a myriad of reasons so he was just lying beside his wounded wife, trying not to move a single muscle. Which was uncomfortable as hell on the tiny bunk but a cost he was gladly willing to pay to be next to her.
Jane had been sleeping fitfully, too stubborn to take decent painkillers in case they had to flee during the night. Her injury hadn't let her rest for more than a couple hours at a time but at least he had been there to rub her back whenever she woke up in agony, biting back groans.
This time though, it was different, not the usual grunt she made due to shifting in her sleep. Kurt frowned, looked at her more closely and saw that there were beads of sweat on Jane's forehead, yet she was tremoring as if she were cold.
His chest froze at the possibilities as he checked her temperature with his hand, his frown deepening at the result. Was it his imagination or was she too hot?
Weller pulled his arm away and started to maneuver his way off her bed when Jane reached out with her hand and grabbed onto his wrist.
"Mmm, don't go," she mumbled.
Her request pulled at his heart, but the fear in his chest was a much stronger motivator at the moment.
"I need to get a thermometer," he said. "I think you're running a fever."
"Don't go, I'm cold," Jane repeated, her voice as open and plaintive as he'd ever heard it.
"Oh baby, I know," he replied, wiping the sweat off her brow with his thumb and then laying a kiss on her eyebrow. "I'll be right back."
Weller crawled over his wife carefully then rushed to get a thermometer, panic already setting in hard.
When he got back to Jane she didn't even argue as he took her temperature, which made his fear skyrocket even before the reading came out too high, close to 101 Fahrenheit.
Kurt felt the pressure mount in his brain as he started going through their options. If the wound was already infected then he needed to get Jane to a doctor quickly, before sepsis started setting in.
He looked down at his groggy wife, panic seizing his every thought. He was about to wake Patterson up and leaned over to tell Jane that he would be back in a minute when she stirred awake and looked at him, semi-lucidly.
"No, it's okay," she grunted. "I always react like this to transfusions. I'll be fine in a couple of hours."
Kurt growled, sure she was just making up an explanation. His chest was taut with anxiety, his every heartbeat pulsing with fear.
"Jane, please don't lie to me," he pleaded.
But Jane just shook her head a little, gave him a pained but sincere look.
"No, I swear, it just makes me feel bad for a night," she gritted out. "I'm not lying Kurt. I wouldn't do that to you."
"But you already feel bad," Weller sighed, still feeling extremely tight as his body and brain tried to digest Jane's explanation. "Do you want something for it? Would a painkiller help?"
In response, Jane just closed her eyes and predictably shook her head.
"No, I just want you," she muttered. "I'm so cold."
"Oh babe, I wish I could hold you," Kurt groaned. "But I'm going to keep you warm, okay?"
He sat beside her on the edge of her bunk nestled against her shoulder with one hand rubbing circles on her sternum and his other thumb warming the back of her neck. For awhile Jane still shivered in his hands, all of her muscles extremely tight. But then eventually she calmed under his touch, and the shaking started to taper off until she finally was breathing more easily again.
Kurt sat there for a long while, savoring the feeling of Jane's chest moving up and down in his hands, watching her eyelids flutter and her drowsy pained eyes searching for his. Eventually she opened her eyes for a longer moment, tugged on his.
"Sorry I scared you," she whispered. "I should have remembered to tell you."
Weller shook his head at her, could barely contain the swell of emotion surging in his chest.
"No apologies," he admonished lightly. "Everything's fine as long as you're okay."
Jane looked as if she wanted to argue with him, then winced as she tried to push words out.
Kurt bit his lip in solidarity, his eyes drawn down towards her belly, realizing he had yet to actually see her injury.
"How's your wound?" he asked. "Can I look?"
Jane gave him a small nod as he pulled her blanket down a bit; let him gently lift her shirt up to reveal the swath of bandaging. Carefully he unwrapped the gauze around her to reveal a nasty looking wound, though thankfully it did not seem infected; just swollen and sore.
It was almost impossible to think about, that there had been a bullet in her, that she'd talked Patterson into taking it out, basically had given them no other choice. If he'd ever had any doubt who was the stronger of the two, that definitely called the contest.
He wanted to touch it, where the bullet had hit her. But not yet, when it still looked so tender. Instead, Weller leaned down to kiss her just above it, needed to mark it with his love. Then he re-wrapped the wound, carefully watching her for signs of pain as he covered up the jagged tear in her abdomen.
Jane didn't flinch once through his examination but started shivering again towards the end of it. Kurt noticed immediately and grabbed her hand in his, ran his thumb against her palm as he used his other hand to pull the blanket up to her shoulders. Then he sat on the edge of the bed, his thigh touching up against her waist lightly, his right hand grasping hers.
He could tell Jane felt vulnerable from the way she leaned up against him, clung to his hand. It wasn't like her at all, which made it even more essential than usual that he take care of her as well as possible. Especially because he hadn't been there when it happened.
Again Kurt warmed her as much as he could, winced as she shuddered in cold and pain.
"Let me get you something," he pleaded with her, frowning at the shake of her fevered brow.
"No, no no, it's okay," she muttered, her eyes slipping closed for an instant. "This is nothing."
He saw her cringe, bite down on her slip. Of course he then wondered how bad it had been, everything she'd deemed unnecessary to tell him.
"Tell me," he said, cradling her to him as best he could manage from the edge of her bed. "Tasha said it was really bad. So I already know. But I need to hear it from you."
Jane shuddered and grimaced, grabbed down hard on his hand for a moment before her breath returned to normal.
"Kurt, it's over now. You don't need to know the details. I'm glad you didn't have to see it."
"So it was that bad," he grumbled.
"Ugh, Kurt," Jane groaned, her eyes closed.
"Tell me," he repeated. "You don't have to be strong anymore Jane. I'm here now."
Jane exhaled, long and pained. Then finally she peaked out from under her eyelids, gave him a sorrowful look.
"But they hurt you. You've been through so much today Kurt. You, don't need to worry about what happened to me. It's all in the past now and I'm going to be fine."
Sometimes Weller wondered if Jane still didn't understand the full extent of how he felt about her, why she would possibly ever think he didn't need to know every detail of a situation that nearly killed her. He needed to know what that experience had been for her, what he had missed. That he would worry about it either way so at least that fierce anxiety could be somewhat settled by hearing what she'd gone through.
"I want to. I want to worry," Kurt replied. "That's my job Jane. I wasn't here for you then, but I need you to tell me, I need to know what you've been through so I can be here for you now."
Jane was quiet again for a long while but she still clung to his arm as she eyed him. Finally, she took a deep breath and looked at him sternly before she found her voice again.
"Then we trade," she said, her offer crystal clear.
Kurt felt a jolt in his gut, had to clench down on it before it ran all the way up his spine. What she was asking was fair and he already knew he'd have to eventually talk about it with her. But it was so much to think about again, a lot to drop on her too, even if she had already seen the video.
But Jane's terms weren't going to budge and he needed to know everything about what had happened to her that day. So Weller nodded, already feeling his emotions start to fray.
###
Goddammit, those soulful blue eyes could be so frustratingly insistent.
Jane grumbled, knew it was up to her to start. Yet she was still caught up in her anxieties, wished that he hadn't forced her hand.
The worst part was that she understood it completely, why he couldn't just let it go. But she didn't want to tell him the truth, how close she had let it get. How much it had hurt, how much it still did. How much she'd wanted him to be there, no matter what she said about it being better that he wasn't. Because for awhile Jane had been scared that she'd never see him again and now she was afraid to admit it.
Kurt was already carrying so much at the moment, had just been through a horrible ordeal. And she was in charge of things now, which made it up to her to bear it, whatever it took. All that pain, all her weakness, it was hers. She didn't want to unload it on him.
But she knew that he wouldn't let it go, certainly not now that she'd forced an exchange. Despite the way he'd flinched at her deal. His eyes told her that much, pierced her with a sorrowful intensity.
So Jane took in a breath, forced herself to look back at the day. She had pushed it out of her mind due to habit, but Kurt was right, in more ways than one. They needed to debrief and she felt miserable from the chills, wanted so badly to snuggle into the refuge of his arms.
"Come here and hold me please?" she asked, internally wincing at the neediness in her voice.
But Kurt just offered her a soft smile, crawled over her legs until he was again tucked in between her and the wall. Then he scooted himself to the top of the bunk and wrapped his arms around her shoulders as best he could, tugged her over gently until she was propped up on his chest, his arms snaked across her collarbones.
"That good?" he asked, low and rumbly.
Jane nodded, felt so much warmer already being in his arms. The safety and comfort of his grip let her think back to the start of it all, not even twenty four hours ago. She took a deep breath, remembered her surprise at being attacked, then her fear at hearing Kurt's shout.
"I think we got jumped at about the same time, I heard you yell so I knocked my guy out and ran back for you. But you were already out cold and there were three of them so I couldn't do anything except watch them put you in the back of an SUV. I didn't know anything was wrong with me until I tried to chase after you, but it was already bleeding a lot by the time I noticed. So I broke into a car and used the first aid kit to patch myself up, then I drove here and told the team what happened so we could get started on finding you."
Kurt shook his head at her, a furrow in his brow.
"I saw you fall in the surveillance video, you had to have known it was bad," he grumbled. "You shouldn't have lied about it, Jane. You almost left it until it was too late."
"I didn't have a choice, Kurt. We needed to find you before Ivy figured out you weren't going to give her anything."
He moved to interject and she reached up to put a finger to his lips, shushed him into silence.
"But I was losing blood faster than I thought and I passed out for a second. We were going to start the surgery right away and Tasha was prepping to give me blood but Rich kept being weird about it until she finally told us all that she was pregnant. Then Rich went to get the blood and we waited and tried to find you."
Jane shuddered thinking about how scared she'd been for him, how angry she'd been at herself for being hurt and taking up everyone's attention when they could have been searching for Kurt. The direness of her own predicament hadn't really kicked in until it was so bad she told them to start. At that point she had known there was a good chance she wouldn't live to see him again. And nothing had been worse than the ache for him them.
"When I finally couldn't wait any longer, it was really bad. I knew I didn't have much time left so we started the surgery."
She could feel Kurt's breath quicken against her, his grip around her tighten just a bit.
Part of her just wanted to move on through the surgery, tell him that it hurt and that everything was better now. But if she expected anything close to the whole story from him later, she had to tell it to him true. Jane shuddered again but this time not from the cold. She just hated those feelings, how desperate she'd felt, lying on the makeshift surgery bed waiting for any news of Kurt, any sign of Rich.
"I just wanted to see you one more time, hear you promise that everything was going to be okay," she said, barely audibly. "I trusted them and I knew they could do it but I needed you, Kurt."
He somehow folded her into him further, wrapped himself around her shoulders even more without jostling her torso.
"You are so stubborn. And so tough. You're the one that got them through it."
"But I was scared," she replied, re-living all of the fear she had felt. "I was scared that we wouldn't find you, that I was going to bleed out on the table or Rich wouldn't make it back. That Tasha would give me blood against my will and something would happen to the baby. I couldn't have lived with that, Kurt. Not after everything she's already lost."
She didn't realize she'd been trembling until Kurt started rubbing her back, telling her to calm down, that everything was okay, that they were all fine. Then for awhile he just held her to him and breathed with her, in and out, in and out.
Jane tried to settle but felt agitated from her emotions and the fever she was still running. Kurt did his best to soothe her, rubbing her chest with the palm of his hand.
"It's okay," he said, over and over, his lips vibrating against her.
But it wasn't okay, she kept thinking. She had let him get taken, let them hurt him.
Jane shuddered at the thought, then finally settled back into Kurt's arms.
"Your turn," she said.
Kurt looked confused for a moment, then she saw a worried shift in his eyes as he realized what she was asking for.
"Tell me what you saw."
She felt Kurt's breath hitch, his entire body tighten. She brought her hands up to find his, gripped his fingers to remind him she was there.
"You can tell me," she coaxed. "I'm right here with you."
Kurt groaned, his body language sinking in defeat. A flash of fury coursed through her, seeing so vividly how they'd hurt him. She wanted desperately to hold him the way he was holding her, comfort his aching psyche. But all she could do was clutch his arms to her as she lay on his chest, rock herself against him.
"Why do you think you saw Oscar?" she asked, the question having been in her mind since she saw the video. They had never even met and Kurt had never asked much about her ex-fiance.
Kurt sighed, shook his head slightly.
"I don't know," he said. "I was trying to not think about what's happening now. And I guess I always wondered who he'd been to you, before the ZIP."
"Do you want to know?" she asked, looking up at him to see his response. They hadn't ever talked about Oscar since she'd gotten all her memories together.
Kurt shook his head at first, then glanced away and nodded.
It was strange to remember being another person, with a foreign set of emotions, completely different trauma. She'd been so fucked up after surviving the drone attack, going back to Shepherd. Everything she'd done had been based in furious revenge, there hadn't been much room for any other emotions.
"He said he loved me and I thought I loved him," she said. "It felt good being loved. But back then I don't think I knew how to love anyone other than Roman. And even that was complicated because of the way Shepherd raised us."
She caught his eye as she spoke, saw that he understood the part she hadn't voiced. That he was the one that taught her what love was, how much someone could mean to her.
"What did he say to you?" she asked, her own emotions choking her for the moment.
Kurt sighed, gave her a rueful look.
"Some pretty obvious stuff, about how I'm on the wrong side of the law now, that we're going to fail just like Sandstorm did. And he tried to convince me about my old fears about you."
She knew exactly the fears he was talking about, that he'd just been her mark, that she made him fall in love with her, that their relationship was based on a lie.
"Oh yeah?" she hummed, just the slightest bit teasingly. "You're sure they're old fears right?"
Kurt didn't answer her question though, just peered down at her soulfully as he spoke again.
"He asked me what made me think anyone could love me that much."
Her heart ached for him but at least that was a fear she could easily understand. She wondered that all the time, especially since consolidating her memories. But she hated that he questioned it at all, couldn't fathom not loving him as much as she did.
"Oh Kurt," she said. "Tell me you don't wonder about that?"
He didn't answer for a long while and it felt like her heart didn't beat the entire time. But when he finally spoke, it was full of reverence.
"Well, definitely not now," he said. "You almost died, Jane. Do you realize this is all pointless to me if you die?"
"Hey, I'm right here," she soothed, giving his arm a solid squeeze. "Everything's okay."
Kurt shook his head agitatedly, furrowed his brow at her.
"Let's get this straight," he muttered. "I don't want you to love me so much that you bleed out for me."
Jane held back an eye roll at his demand, knew it was better not to contest it.
"Yeah, I got that," she said with just the hint of a smirk.
Kurt leaned down to kiss her on top of her head, filling her with relief again at having him back.
"What happened next?" she asked, when he didn't continue.
Kurt's frown deepened, anger and grief clouding his face.
"That's when I saw my dad. He said some things I've never even said out loud. That I knew he wanted to hurt Taylor and I tempted him with her until he couldn't help himself. That I'm responsible for her death and just like him, a killer at heart."
Jane froze, unable to form words. She had always known he felt responsible for Taylor's disappearance but never to that extent. It burned her inside thinking about everything he'd feared for so long coming up to haunt him.
But then he spoke again and she could see the vulnerability pouring out of him, how deep that fear ran in him.
"I saw them all, Jane. I saw everyone I've ever killed. I never thought about it like that. It was a lot of people, I ended all those lives."
It was like two consecutive daggers to her heart, realizing that Kurt had all the same fears that she did, despite the fact that he had spent his life fighting for justice. She wanted to fend off all his demons for him, reassure him in every way.
"You were a child, Kurt. You were just trying to protect her. The same way you've done for everyone your entire life. And you hate having to kill anyone, even when it's unavoidable and part of your job."
"But I tried to protect Taylor and she ended up dead. And I thought I was doing the right thing with a badge and a gun but look where I ended up," Kurt replied plaintively. "The world thinks I'm a terrorist now and maybe they're right. I've done illegal things in the name of justice. Maybe this is where I've been heading all along."
Oh Kurt. She couldn't think of a less effective terrorist, and it certainly wasn't due to a lack of skillset. He just had such high moral expectations of himself and everyone around him. Which was why she'd always been confused by the way he fell for her, despite finding out about her past.
"Only because you took a wrong turn," she said. "Your life was hijacked by an actual terrorist. You know that's the only reason you ended up in this position right?"
"Shhh, you know that's not true," he replied, so easily she almost believed him.
"The last thing I saw was Bethany. I saw what she became after learning about me, how it led her to be a terrorist too."
She looked up at him, pulled his arms around her as tight as possible.
"We won't let that happen, Kurt. Bethany's going to not remember any of this, because we're going to make it home and you're going to be there while she grows up."
"You sound so sure," he muttered, still wearing a frown.
"I didn't put Patterson and Zapata through all that to lose," she said wearily.
Kurt honed in on her tone, narrowed his eyes at her.
"Speaking of, how are you feeling now?" he asked.
"Mmm, I'm almost warm. It was good to be distracted."
"Oh, I'm just a distraction am I?" he mumbled, leaning down to kiss her on the temple.
Jane looked up and smiled, so relieved to have him back and safe. His fears had hurt him but he'd conquered them in the end and she wasn't going to let them linger.
"No. you're my husband, Kurt. I know how hard this has been for you, how much fear you've been carrying about what we've become. But you only question yourself because you hold yourself to the highest standards. And I am so proud of you for getting through that all and getting out of there. Okay?"
Kurt looked teary but he wore a smile too.
"Okay," he replied. "But only if you get some sleep now. I can tell you're still feeling terrible. No more talking please, let's both just rest."
Tucked in his arms, just starting to feel warm again, Jane had no issues making that deal. Her side still hurt but she could finally rest now that he was there beside her again.