When the alarms started blaring and a squad of Madeline's goons came storming into the conference room, Jane's heart sank into her gut.
It's over, she thought as a black bag was thrown over her head and her arms were grabbed roughly and handcuffed together by two burly men. Her delaying tactic hadn't bought her enough time and she was about to be whisked off to a CIA black site where her reputation and previous escape would surely garner her extra attention of the worst sort.
At least it sounded like things were in disarray for Madeline and Ivy, people rushing around everywhere as Jane was led through the building. She could only hope that Patterson had engineered an escape for the rest of the team; that her attempted self-sacrifice hadn't screwed things up for everyone.
Jane winced internally thinking about how close she had been to making a deal with the devil, doing exactly what Madeline wanted. Even now, being dragged off to illegal custody or a quick execution, she was glad she hadn't made that confession. If Kurt escaped and survived she didn't want him to see what she'd done, witness how she'd given in to Madeline's tactics.
Rationally, she'd known that it was the wrong thing to do. Kurt's voice playing in her head, telling her that she couldn't make a deal with a psychopath. And he was right of course, there had been no guarantee that they wouldn't all be sent to separate black sites anyhow; she knew exactly what the CIA did with terrorists, regardless of any deals.
But everything else in her had screamed that she needed to do something, just in case. Just in case it was possible to save Kurt from a lifetime of torture; the rest of them too. And just in case someone else took the deal first and it actually was real. The thought of being held in supermax while knowing Kurt or Tasha or Rich was suffering daily 'enhanced interrogations' would be worse torment than the physical and mental pain of being in CIA custody.
At least Jane knew she could withstand it or would find her own way out, one way or another. Though with all the commotion going on, she suspected that she wasn't even going to make it to the black site this time.
Her guards kept pushing her through the building and eventually they shoved her into the back of what felt like an armoured van, exactly the same way it had happened the first time she'd been taken by the CIA.
It hadn't felt real until she was sitting there, about to be driven away to an unidentified location. She was never going to see Kurt again, might never know what happened to him. And that wasn't even the worst part.
If she could disappear to wherever she was going and know that Kurt would have a second chance to raise Bethany; well, that was the trade off she'd been trying to make anyways. But this time she knew him well enough to understand that if Kurt was free, he would never stop looking for her, never let her go.
So really if the choice was between endless beatings and a quick death, it was almost better if she was just being driven to her execution. At least he would be more likely to know what happened to her and finally be free of her influence on his life, be able to move on.
Jane slumped in the back of the van, her bleakness suddenly overwhelming her. She didn't have the fight in her that she usually had, all of it had been snuffed out with guilt and hopelessness. When she'd escaped from the black site she'd been full of fire; outraged at being held without trial and tortured by her own government. Now, knowing her entire past and what she'd inflicted on everyone she loved, she was full of self-contempt and despair.
The engine of the van started and she knew it was over. The life she'd tried to have, the life she'd wanted; it was never for her. At least she'd had Kurt for most of her time, had learned from him what life could be.
Jane expected to feel the vehicle pull away but it continued to idle, sparking her curiosity and making her suddenly alert, even through the darkness of her thoughts. Then there were a couple of loud thuds just outside the van before the back door was thrown open and the hood taken off her head.
Jane blinked her eyes into focus and thought for a moment that she was hallucinating when she found Kurt standing in front of her, his blue eyes beaming with joy. Amazed, she stared at him blankly as he came closer and lightly ran his hands through her hair.
"Hey," she said, still totally stunned.
"I never thought I'd see you again," Kurt replied, echoing her thoughts of just moments ago.
It wasn't until he brought his hands back up to her face and kissed her that Jane let herself believe that it was actually happening, that Kurt was really there rescuing her.
"Can we please stop almost getting black-sited?" she asked sardonically, trying to cover up the bleakness that had just nearly overtaken her.
Kurt flashed her his signature crooked grin, the sight she would have missed so goddamned much.
This is real, she thought to herself. He's really here.
"Yeah, I'm good with that," he replied with a little shrug that made the remaining ice in her chest melt instantly.
Jane couldn't do anything but smile at him, stare into his eyes as relief finally came pouring over her. After all that guilt and despair, it appeared that she didn't have to pay for her crimes, her past life. Kurt had saved her yet again; was right there, his hands resting comfortingly on her arms as he gazed at her fondly.
She could have stayed in that moment forever, staring at her husband while still handcuffed in the back of a federal prison van, surreally feeling safe for the first time in ages. But then Tasha interrupted the moment by calling them out for their adorableness and they had to move, no matter how tempting it was to just lock herself in the van with Kurt, hold him until all the darkness in her faded away.
###
It was their first quiet moment together without facing imminent danger in a long time. Although Ivy was on the run and the ZIP was still missing, Madeline was dead and her crimes exposed. So even without knowing what was going to ultimately happen to them, at least they weren't being hunted anymore, there was no more threat of being suddenly disappeared.
Driving back from the airfield, Weller looked over at Jane sitting in the passenger seat, a mix of emotions flooding his chest. It was such a familiar feeling, glancing at her on the way to or from a mission, trying to decipher what was going on in her mind. But the satisfaction he felt from returning to their proper position was still tempered with nervousness about what lay ahead for them, the possibility that they still might face charges, may not get their jobs back.
At least he had Jane though, had come perilously close to losing her even after the rest of them had been rescued. Which he hadn't really had time to question until that moment, after things had finally settled down around them.
As he peered over at Jane, Kurt was struck with a sudden realization. There weren't very many reasons why she would have been out of her interrogation room and not rescued like the rest of them. And the most obvious one was exactly what he'd feared the minute the self-sacrificial deal was offered. He just hadn't had time to think about it earlier, running purely on adrenaline and instinct until Madeline had been dealt with.
Now that he'd considered it though, the thought wouldn't leave his head. She'd been minutes away from being sent off to another black site, or possibly to an instant execution. Because it gave the rest of them the best chance, no matter how slim that chance might have been.
How many times had he heard her vow to never let that happen to her again? All those nights she had woken frozen in fear, clutching at his arms; thinking she was still in that dungeon. Even now it was still a recurring nightmare, and yet she'd agreed to be sent back to being tortured, dehumanized.
Anger and adoration clashed within him as Kurt watched his wife look out her window, wearing an unreadable expression. He knew it was unreasonable to both love her for her selflessness and to be mad at her for that very trait but when had he ever been rational about Jane?
"We need to talk," he said roughly, the words slipping out of his mouth before he could pull them back. It was never a good way to start a conversation, especially when he couldn't tell where Jane's head was at.
Weller tensed as he waited for Jane's response, glancing over again to judge how defensive she was. But, to his surprise, Jane looked more defeated than indignant as she continued to stare out the window.
"I know," she finally replied, after a long winding silence.
"I'm sorry. But I had to do something."
He hadn't expected her to confess so readily, the sadness in her voice instantly neutralizing the fire in his chest. Kurt reached over and took her hand in his, then raised it to his lips and planted a firm kiss against her thumb.
"Even if it had worked. You know I couldn't have lived with myself."
Just the thought of it froze his guts, made him queasy.
"But you would have. For Bethany."
It irritated the hell out of him that she was right. He hadn't even considered taking the deal; not only because he hadn't trusted Madeline at all, but also because it would have meant, yet again, completely disappearing from his daughter's life.
"Jesus, Jane. I hate that you made that choice for me," he growled, his hand still gripping hers tight even as his eyes steadily avoided hers in a futile attempt to focus on the road.
"I know," she replied, looking down into her lap. "But I had to, even if you can't forgive me for it."
Oh. She still thought she could do something unforgiveable; that she could break this bond between them. Just by being who she was, doing the kinds of things that had made him fall for her in the first place.
She was chewing her lip, glancing between him and the window. The next time she looked his way, Weller caught her gaze for a breath and squeezed her hand.
"You tried to give yourself up for me, for all of us. Of course I'm mad. But it just makes me love you more, if that's even possible."
Jane tilted her head at him, confusion furrowing her brow.
Could she really think he was that angry with her?
"But you told me not to do it, so many times. Not to trust any of Madeline's deals. And I still did it, even though I knew you were right."
She looked so contrite, like she'd done something terrible. Weller choked on his own emotions and couldn't speak for a moment, just shook his head at her affectionately.
"That's just who you are, Jane," he said, when he finally found his voice again. "And no matter how mad it makes me sometimes, I would never want you to be any different."
She shook her head, like she didn't believe him and his heart broke at the expression she was wearing. After everything they'd just been through and finally taking Madeline down, Jane should be relieved, free of all that guilt she'd been carrying around. But she seemed determined to hang onto it, was acting like she wanted him to be angry with her.
Kurt abruptly pulled the SUV over and parked so that he could give his full attention to his wife, figure out what the hell was going on. Jane looked at him in surprise as he stopped the engine and turned towards her, brought their enjoined hands up to rest on his chest.
"Talk to me, Jane. We're all free and we've got the evidence on Madeline. Why are you so upset still?"
Jane just stared at him blankly for what felt like an eternity, her eyes flashing through different shades of green and bronze. But Weller could tell she was trying to pull whatever it was out of herself, so he willed himself to be patient by hugging her hand against his sternum and studying her shifting expression.
"I almost messed everything up," she finally said, the words tumbling out of her quickly once she got started.
"If I hadn't made the deal, they wouldn't have had to waste time hacking the camera. Maybe we would have had time to catch both Madeline and Ivy. Maybe if I'd been there for the shootout, Weitz would still be alive."
Oh. He'd been so relieved to have her back that he hadn't thought about any of those possibilities, any further implications of her actions other than what it nearly cost them. But of course Jane had gone through everything that her decision could have changed and somehow blamed herself for all of it.
"And maybe if you hadn't been occupying Madeline's attention the rest of us wouldn't have gotten away," he replied. "There are so many ways this could have turned out worse than it did, but none of it is your fault."
"But I almost screwed it all up," she repeated.
"I was so close to never seeing you again. I think it's only really hitting me now."
A bolt of understanding suddenly went through him, making him feel both brilliant and extremely stupid at the same time. Of course what all just happened had struck her in their first quiet moment, when her system was no longer running on pure adrenaline. And now Jane was stuck in that dark place of fear and personal guilt that she went to when her past trauma showed up.
Thankfully, Kurt realized this before he kept on explaining why she shouldn't be upset anymore. He'd already learned this lesson from other times when she was caught in a black mood, determined to blame herself. Jane didn't need him to tell her all the reasons why she wasn't responsible for anything that happened; she didn't need words at all.
"Come here," Weller said, reaching his free hand around her shoulders as best he could within the confines of the SUV, their other hands still tucked between them against his heart.
Jane didn't resist at all and let him pull her as tight as possible, her head curled up against his breastbone, her breath hot and halting against his chest. She was still tense though, her muscles rock hard under his arm, caught somewhere between fight and flight.
He rubbed her back with the palm of his hand, running it up and down her spine over and over until the tension started to dissipate from her body. As Jane became looser, she burrowed deeper into his arms, until eventually her heart rate and breathing returned to normal.
"Hey," he said softly, when it felt like she'd finally come back to herself. "You're safe. We're both safe. Can you feel it?"
Jane nodded into his chest, snuggled against him endearingly.
"And I love you for what you did even if I don't agree with it and it makes me angry just thinking about it."
It took her a moment to digest his statement, he could feel her hold her breath for a long pause before she pulled her head back and looked up at him.
"I love you too," she said, her expression so much like the very first time she said it.
The little smile, the hope glittering in her eyes; it filled him with a carefree warmth he hadn't felt in so long. Even if they weren't absolved of their crimes yet, even if they still didn't exactly know their future. Right then, they were free and safe and together. It was something he had thought might never happen again.
So of course Kurt took advantage of the moment, brought his hands up to her face and caressed her cheekbones with his thumbs before pouring all of his relief and adoration into the kiss he laid on her lips.