A/N: finally an update! thanks to everyone who's still reading this, sorry it's been taking so long between chapters but I'm still committed to finishing...
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The hiss was barely audible at first; only became ominous when her brain finally made the connection, instantly causing dread to course through her body.
As in every disaster, for a moment, time seemed to freeze. Jane turned while her brain wrapped its way around her nightmare come true, registered that it was all so very real and definitely happening right then and there.
Except it wasn't exactly her nightmare because it was only her in the room.
And with that thought came the next one of course.
Kurt.
She sensed him approaching without using either her eyes or her ears. Without a second thought Jane lunged for the button that would literally seal her fate.
The glass closed slowly enough that she could have gotten out and still contained most of the gas inside the chamber. But it was in the air around her, was already all over her. She couldn't risk it, especially not when she'd be diving straight into Kurt.
Jane could see him now, charging towards her like a desperate bull as the glass closed her in. Instantly she got a flash of her nightmare, Kurt not knowing her, accusing her of erasing his memory. Which effectively reinforced her decision, planted her feet on her side of the partition.
The gas was all around her and she was about to forget everything she had ever known, yet again. A million thoughts went through her mind at once, all of them Kurt-flavoured.
She was going to forget him, forget all the moments of their lives together.
She was going to lose herself; lose her husband.
He was going to have to see it all happen, possibly watch her die again in the same way.
She should pull out her phone, tell Kurt what she had heard about Ivy's plan.
She should record him a message, so he always knows how much she loved him.
She should record herself a message, to tell herself how much she loves him.
But her husband was shouting from the other side of the glass and Jane was pulled to him by an invisible string. She reached her hand out to the love of her life, the man who would be a stranger when she next saw him, if she ever saw him again.
She briefly remembered the serious special agent, so uncomfortable being touched. And now she was going to forget all the ways he touches her, won't know their shared spaces on her body, those sensitive spots they found together.
"I love you, I love you," she said desperately into the glass.
Her hand automatically moved to her chest as she spoke and Jane remembered the first time he'd put her hand on his heart. Only days from that first encounter but already he'd grown closer, not nearly so uncomfortable anymore.
She might never remember the details of their lives together ever again. She might wake up an entirely new person.
She could feel him there through the panes between them and she reached towards him as he professed his love back to her; screamed in anguish.
"I'm sorry," Jane said, hoping he would understand all of the things she was apologizing for.
She was sorry for everything she was putting him through, everything he was about to experience. The gas could kill her before they get a team into the sealed chamber and Kurt would have to wait the whole time, not knowing what had happened to her. Even if she lived, the newly modified ZIP gas could do anything to her; she wouldn't be the same person he knew and loved, could come out the other end completely different. He was losing her in every way and she knew what that would do to him.
She might never remember this version of herself. She might never remember him. She could die another horrible death, leaving him to revisit his trauma of losing her yet again.
There were so many things Jane was sorry for, there wasn't time to think them all through.
She stared at Kurt through the glass, suddenly sensing that she didn't have many breaths left and finally let herself feel her own anguish instead of focusing his.
It wasn't often that Jane was so scared for herself. But it could be the end, she could be dead within minutes. Or she could die another drawn out death with a stranger for a husband.
Jane felt her chest tense at the thought, wanted to fall through the glass right into Kurt's waiting arms. Then she remembered she may never feel his arms reassuringly wrapped around her ever again and her heart crumbled in despair. Even if she survived the gas, she would never know him the same way, get the same joy from being snuggled up against him.
She could feel the gas making it extremely hard to breathe and wondered if she was dying for real this time. Thankfully though, she could see that Kurt was safe, knew that he wouldn't have to go through losing his memories and possibly his life. She just hoped he understood why she had to do it - she'd told him how afraid she was of him getting ZIPped.
Not that it would make it sting less, make him less upset. But at least he would know that she did it because of how much she loved him. And he would still remember that version of her, the one that loved him more than words.
I can give him that much.
Her vision was swimming, turning grey. Jane couldn't make him out anymore and she was unsure whether it was due to the gas or her sight. Either way, she missed him instantly.
I'm so sorry, she thought as she fell to the ground, everything fading to black.
I love you, Kurt. And I always will.
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The glass was closing around her before he really understood what was happening. But then Kurt saw the cloud of gas behind her and his life became a nightmare yet again.
It couldn't be happening. He couldn't lose her after coming so close to regaining their lives.
Weller screamed into the glass for her, his heart shattering as Jane unnecessarily professed her love from inside the sealed chamber.
She had done it to save him, had been so terrified about him getting ZIPped. It was a so very Jane thing to do and it was too much to bear as she reached out for him, told him that she was sorry.
"I love you," Kurt shouted, over and over; his brain unable to communicate any other thought.
She could be dying right at that moment, they had no idea how the new ZIP gas worked. It could be instantaneously fatal or more like the original substance - with immediate memory loss followed by a terminal deterioration of the brain. Either way, he was losing her again, his worst fear coming true in front of his eyes.
The gas was getting so thick Weller could barely see Jane anymore as she lost consciousness and fell to the ground. His chest constricted as if he was also inhaling in the poison, wondering if his wife was still breathing in her self-made death chamber.
Kurt hollered her name while irrationally banging on the glass as if he could break through with just his fists and somehow pull her out without also succumbing to the gas. He kept it up even after his hands were bruised and his lungs ached; even though he knew it was impossible, that he couldn't undo her choice for him.
Distantly he could hear Tasha calling for a hazmat response team, then trying to tell him something through the overwhelming panic in his mind.
"Weller! Listen to me!" Zapata hollered as she approached and put her hand on his shaking shoulder.
"Patterson has something to tell you. So you need to get it together enough to hear what she has to say, okay?"
Weller looked at the phone like it was an alien object, then stared back at the gas filled chamber that was hiding Jane from him. Tasha had to physically remove his hand from the glass wall and place the device in his palm before he registered any of what she'd said to him.
But he could hear Patterson shouting at him through the phone, telling him to listen to her. And a sort of mental muscle memory kicked in when he heard her voice, even though his head was still a blur of panic and horrible thoughts. Listening to Patterson had gotten him through so many near death situations that her words pushed past his emotional overload and somehow made it into his brain.
"Weller, I think I have good news about Jane and the ZIP gas but first you need to calm down," Patterson said.
"Tasha's afraid you're going to have a heart attack before the hazmat team even gets there."
Calm down? When his wife was possibly dying just on the other side of the glass?
Weller was about to shout into the phone when he finally registered the first words Patterson had said to him, something about good news. That triggered his attention and got him to stop pounding uselessly on the glass as he desperately latched onto Patterson's steady voice.
"Please tell me she's alive in there," he pleaded, not caring that he was begging.
"I've been looking through Madeline's files and from everything I've been able to find, I think Jane's still breathing in there. The gas doesn't seem to be immediately fatal but it does eventually cause death the same way the original formula did."
That was the worst good news he'd ever heard, felt his chest clench and his mind start to shut down again. But Weller didn't even manage to growl his disapproval of the information before Patterson headed him off, stopped him in his tracks.
"But don't freak out, it doesn't mean we need to find more Stanton cells or anything like that because I've been creating an antidote since we first found out about the ZIP gas. I'm confident that it'll work on Jane once we get her out of there."
An antidote.
His mind latched onto the concept immediately, prayed that Patterson was right like always. At least it was a better option than the despair that had engulfed him, a tiny sliver of hope within the fog.
"Do you really think she's alive?" he asked, still the only question he could formulate.
"I really do," Patterson replied calmly. "It's going to be okay, Weller. The hazmat team is almost there. We just have to get her back here, the antidote is ready to go."
He wanted to believe it so badly that all his fear instantly turned into hopeful anxiety, a rampant buzz in his gut. Over and over he told himself that Patterson had a cure, he just had to get Jane there and she would be okay.
Weller stared at Jane's unconscious form, telling himself that she was still breathing, that he wasn't too late. Patterson had to be right – she was always right.
"Thank you," he sputtered, his mind still a jumble of intense emotion that was mostly unable to form words. "Thank you, Patterson."
Tasha took the phone back then to confirm some more details, leaving Weller standing there; once again staring into the gas-filled chamber at his unmoving wife. But at least this time he was able to momentarily convince himself that she was breathing in there, that he wasn't already too late.
So instead of banging on the wall and hurting himself more, Kurt knelt down and leaned his forehead against the glass, getting as close to Jane as he could. He couldn't her very well, her still form mostly shrouded in poison mist; yet he convinced himself he could feel her there, just beyond the barrier.
Hold on, Jane. Please hold on, he said to her mentally. Please be alive in there. I can't do this without you.
He had fought so hard to get back to his life, to raising his daughter. But in the moment none of that mattered; not if he lost Jane. She was his other half, in all of his future plans.
Kurt's heart sank again as his worries got rekindled and starting blazing again. Even if Patterson was right and Jane was still alive in there, the cure might not work. It had obviously never been tested against the ZIP gas so Jane could still lose her memory or her life, despite Patterson's best efforts.
It was impossible to keep his mind from slipping into the endless what ifs, all the horrible possibilities. Weller sank into the floor, feeling his hope steadily drain out of him.
Eventually he felt Zapata's hand on his back, heard her calling to him as if from another planet.
"Weller. Weller, listen to me," she tried. "Kurt! Breathe! Snap out of it. Hazmat ETA is ten minutes. We're going to get her out of there and she's going to be okay."
"What if Patterson's wrong?" he heard himself ask, all his worst worries spilling out. "What if she's already dead? What if the antidote doesn't work and she doesn't remember me?"
What if she doesn't love me anymore?
Weller froze at the thought of Jane waking up memory-less again, losing all of their shared moments. He would be a stranger to her yet again but this time the story he had to tell her was so far-fetched and traumatic there was no telling how she would react.
He pictured trying to explain that he was her husband, tell her about their history. He remembered how devastated she'd been to find out that she'd been a terrorist, how depressed she'd been when she finally got all of her memories together. It broke his heart thinking that she'd have to go through all of that once more; that even if she woke up, she might not fall in love with him again.
Tasha squeezed his shoulder in response, then patted his back affectionately.
"I know this is cheesy shit that I wouldn't usually say but you two were meant for each other," she stated, with just a hint of exasperation.
"But what if she's not Jane anymore?" he asked desperately. "You weren't here when she hated me and wanted to kill me."
"If Jane – Remi, whatever – wanted to kill you, you'd be long dead, Weller," Zapata replied. "I think you'll always love her, and she'll always love you."
"Really?"
It was obviously what he wanted to believe but he didn't want to set himself up for massive disappointment. But it also wasn't like Tasha to just say stuff to appease him, she had always told it to him straight.
"Yeah. It's messed up right, I can't believe this is me talking. But you love her so much Kurt, it's really sweet. Even if she doesn't remember everything, it's pretty hard to resist a guy that looks at you the way you look at Jane."
Weller told himself to listen to what Zapata was saying, to believe in Jane and himself. He just had to hang onto every hope that she was alive in there. Everything else he could figure out along the way.
Hazmat finally arrived a minute later and Tasha pulled him up to his feet, gave him an encouraging squeeze.
"Let's see who's in charge and see if we can get you in a suit," she said. "They're going to have to evacuate the building to pull the gas out of that room anyhow."
It was a solid suggestion, a good way to get his feet moving. But even though it was necessary, Weller still felt irrationally guilty walking away from Jane. The only thing that kept him walking with Zapata was the understanding that it could eventually get him to Jane.
By the time he got outside the building, Kurt had managed to mostly pull himself together and quickly found the agent in charge of the hazmat team. Thankfully, it was someone he'd worked with quite a few times throughout his time at the NYO and the kind of agent that wasn't a stickler for protocol.
Weller thanked the agent profusely as he was handed a hazmat suit and shown to the staging area to get himself dressed while the agent's team suctioned the ZIP out of the room and into a containment unit. When room was finally declared free of any gas contaminants he was allowed to enter with a small team of agents and two paramedics with a containment gurney.
Jane was lying there, much too still as the door opened and Weller launched himself towards her, again full of dread at what he was going to find. He knelt by her unmoving form, forcing tears back as he saw how pale she was, how dead she looked.
At first it seemed like she wasn't breathing and panic started to flood his body before he finally saw her chest move ever so slightly and he nearly collapsed in relief. It was faint, but her breath still fogged up the mask of his suit as Weller leaned over and talked to her softly.
"Hey Jane, it's me. Everything's going to be okay. Patterson made a cure so you're going to be just fine, I promise."
He prayed that he wasn't making an empty promise; that he wasn't lying to his wife as she lay there, barely breathing. But there wasn't anything else he could do except hold her hand in his bulky suited ones while the paramedics moved in and assessed her vitals, then quickly placed an oxygen mask on her.
"Respiration and heart rate both slow but steady. Let's get her on the gurney and to the decontamination bay stat."
"Can I pick her up?" Weller asked, desperate to hold her, even just for a moment.
The paramedics nodded their assent and he gently scooped Jane up into his arms while one of the EMTs made sure she remained attached to the oxygen tank as Kurt transferred her onto the hazmat stretcher.
"You're doing great," he whispered in her ear. "Just keep breathing for me until we get that antidote into you."
Jane did as asked; kept breathing as they closed the bubble over her and wheeled her out into the awaiting ambulance. Weller followed as far as he could, but there definitely wasn't room for two people in hazmat suits to accompany Jane in the vehicle so he was left standing there as the paramedics drove her to the decontamination unit at the NYO.
Kurt got out of his suit as if in a trance, unable to think about anything other than the fact that Jane was alive. For the moment it didn't matter whether she remembered him, all that mattered was she still had a chance; he might yet see her gorgeous eyes open for him.
By the time Tasha had driven him back to the NYO, they'd already gotten Jane out of the gurney and into the decontamination bay, where they sprayed her down until she was eventually declared clear of the gas. At that point they let Weller into the room to get Jane changed into a hospital gown, again, none of the agents willing to argue with him about protocol.
As Kurt stood next to his wife again, finally able to touch her with his bare hands, he started by pushing a stray strand of hair out of her face, then caressing her cheek just above the oxygen mask.
"Almost done," he breathed into her ear. "I just have to get you out of these clothes, okay?"
He felt better having asked permission even though Jane remained as still as could be, her chest barely rising with each slow breath. Weller brushed her cheekbone one more time with his thumb, then kissed her on the forehead before carefully undressing her, resisting the urge to run his hands all over her.
He spoke to her the whole time, in a low soothing tone, full of as much love as he could manage. Even though her paleness and slow pulse and shallow breathing still had him freaking out, he didn't want her to know that, just kept telling her that he was there, that everything was going to be alright.
When he finally had Jane dressed in the hospital gown, Patterson came in to tell him that the treatment was ready and they wheeled her over to the medical unit on a gurney, Kurt still talking to her as if she were able to hear him, squeezing her hand and reassuring her all the way.
"You're doing so good, Jane. Just another minute and we'll have Patterson's antidote in you. Then you'll wake up and everything's going to be okay."
When they got to the medical bay Weller was allowed to maintain his hold on Jane's hand as the doctor gave her Patterson's concoction through an IV on her other arm. Then, after the antidote was done being administered, there was nothing to do but wait and see if Jane responded to the treatment.
"Do you want us to stay here with you?" Patterson asked, making Kurt look around. He hadn't realized that the rest of the team had even come into the room but now they were all there, staring at both him and Jane in concern.
Weller shook his head, wanted to be alone with his wife so he could concentrate on her fully, talk her into opening her eyes for him. He had more than enough anxiety to fill the room; didn't need to surround himself with all of the team's concern as well. So he said he'd let them know if Jane showed any signs of waking up and then it was just the two of them and all of his worries in the too-bright sterile room.
Even with the antidote administered and his general faith in everything Patterson-created, seeing Jane unconscious and still so pale made all his traumatic memories of her nearly dying flash through his brain like a slideshow of his nightmares. He had almost lost her so many times in the past year, it all came flooding back now that he had a quiet moment.
Kurt gripped Jane's hand tightly, trying to focus his attention on the steady rise and fall of her chest, the comforting regular beep of her heart monitor. He still felt emotionally frozen by all the what ifs bombarding his brain; a constant stream of wondering if she'd remember him, if she'd be the same, if she'd even wake up at all.
He'd watched as her brain shut down, as her body failed her. And even though she'd been miraculously cured at the last second, Weller hadn't gotten over seeing her fade away, hearing her tell him she was scared.
She looked just as pale and frail now, still wearing the oxygen mask as her body struggled to take in enough air. So no matter how hard he tried to remain positive by humming encouraging words to Jane, Kurt kept slipping down into his worry until he was drowning in ice cold dread.
"Hey beautiful, that's it, you're doing great. You just rest and let that antidote work, I'll be right here when you wake up," he would say as reassuring as he could while fear dripped through his veins, telling him he'd lost her for good this time, that she may never open her eyes again, that she wouldn't love him the same even if she did wake up.
Weller sat and stewed in his fear even as Jane's respiration and O2 levels increased enough that the doctor reappeared to remove her supplemental oxygen and other monitors, telling him that her brain waves indicated she was waking up. Then, even when the team came back full of positivity due to Jane's improving health, he continued to fixate on all the worst possible outcome - unable to shake his worries that she was going to wake up a different person, one that didn't love him anymore.
When her eyes finally blinked open and she suddenly sat up, staring blankly at all of them; Kurt felt all of his latent trauma and anxiety seize up in his throat. He wanted to ask her a million questions but only managed to squeeze out the simplest one, all that he really needed to know.
"Jane, you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm good," Jane replied immediately, the way she would even if she was absolutely not okay. Which sparked his hope that she really was alright, that he hadn't been lying to her the entire time she was unconscious.
"Do you remember who we are?" Patterson asked, getting to the question that was clearly on everyone's minds.
Jane looked around, as if remembering everything about each of them separately, a quizzical expression on her face.
"Of course I do, what happened?" she asked. "All I remember is going after Ivy."
"She set off one of the ZIP bombs," Tasha replied. "You sealed yourself in to contain it."
"Wait, I got zipped again? Then how do I remember all of you?" Jane asked, suddenly sounding anxious as she wrapped her head around what had happened, what she'd done.
Weller's hand immediately went to her back reassuringly as he started to unfreeze, the realization that Jane was alive and herself finally hitting him right in the chest. All of his worst fears slowly dripped away as Patterson explained about the antidote she'd created, and Jane promptly asked about whether they'd caught Ivy.
She was acting so normally he suddenly felt stupid having spent so much energy fearing the worst, stewing in it until it had brought up all his old trauma. He'd just spent hours playing out devastating scenarios in his head, driving himself crazy for no reason. So when Patterson said that the doctor was coming back in to do some tests and everyone left the room again, all Kurt could do was gape at his wife, still not quite able to accept that she was truly okay, mentally and physically.
Weller stood there, blankly staring at Jane; paradoxically feeling himself fall apart as his fears finally crumbled away. It was as if he had been holding onto his worry for too long, couldn't escape the latent trauma.
Jane responded by studying him closely, then reaching a hand towards him and pulling him towards her when he gripped it tightly.
"You must have been so scared," she said, looking up at him with sad, scrutinizing eyes.
"I'm okay now," Weller fibbed, his heart still constricted with his near loss but not wanting to make things about him.
"Come closer," Jane replied.
Kurt silently obeyed and stepped towards her, so close she widened her knees to hold him by his hips.
"You still look scared," she said, bringing her free hand up to his chest.
He held it together until he felt her hand against his heart, couldn't help but flash back to her making the same gesture from behind the sealed glass door, thinking that he would never feel her touch again.
"I almost lost you," he murmured, as if saying the words louder would somehow jinx them.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt," Jane replied. "I must not have had any other choice."
He tilted his head at her, feeling a tear slip down his cheek.
"Well you did," he said. "But you wouldn't risk exposing me."
"Oh. I'm not sorry for that then. But I'm sorry for everything I put you through. That must have been really hard."
"Don't be sorry, Jane. I understand why you did it."
"The why doesn't matter, Kurt. I'm just sorry I scared you so much."
She looked so upset that she'd worried him when really he'd just overblown everything, should have just believed in Patterson's cure and Jane's resiliency. He could feel her trying to pour love into him through her hand on his chest, her thumb rubbing his sternum comfortingly
"Yeah, well. That's what it's like being married to you," Weller said with a put-on sigh, a shake of his head. While it was true that he could still feel the trauma crawling in his gut, he didn't want Jane worrying about him after what she'd just been through.
"But I'm used to it by now."
Jane couldn't help but crack a grin at his comment, the look in her eyes acknowledging the truth of what he'd said. And seeing her smile as she gripped his hand extra tight was finally enough to melt away the last of his fear, allowed him to look at his wife and relish in her miraculous recovery instead of dwelling on what could have been.
Then Jane wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in as close as possible, laying her head on his chest where her hand had just been. And it was exactly what he needed in the moment; her body tight against his, her breath hot against his heart as she nuzzled against him.
"Good, because I'm not planning on changing," she replied, her perfect oh-so-Jane words reverberating on his skin as Kurt felt himself breathe easily for the first time in hours, his wife finally safe in his arms.