A/N our girl Jane seriously needed a hug...
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Weller started freaking out the moment he realized that Jane wasn't in the medical room; knew right away that she had done the most Jane-like thing possible and was out there, going after Ivy on her own. He could barely keep his emotions under wraps as he stormed his way back through the building to grab Tasha for back up. Whatever Jane was running towards, he was as sure as she had been that her feeling was correct, that she somehow knew where the terrorists would be.
By the time they were in an SUV and on the road, he had worked himself into a frenzy, racing through the New York traffic with little regard for anyone's safety. Zapata might have even screamed at him a couple of times along the way and his heart was definitely pounding in his ears as Kurt parked the car and they ran towards the church.
They were approaching the building when there was a loud shattering noise and glass started to rain down from above. Weller and Zapata ducked back away from the falling shards, both looking up to see a man tumble out of the broken window before he hit the ground in front of them.
Kurt looked at Zapata and she was giving him the same knowing look back.
Jane.
With that he was running into the cathedral, barely taking any precautions in his frantic determination to find her. She could still need help, though that was usually not the case. Either way, he needed to make sure that she was okay, find out what had made her take off on her own.
When they got to her, Jane was standing by the broken window, in a room that told of an epic battle. But Kurt's focus was entirely on his wife, watching in confusion as she spoke intently to someone who wasn't there.
"That's not true," she declared fiercely.
"Jane. What's not true?" he asked, just before the dominoes started falling into place in his mind; freezing his heart with the implications.
"Nothing," she stammered, avoiding his eyes.
"Who were you talking to?" Zapata asked.
Kurt didn't need Jane to answer though, could see it just from the way she was standing there, barely able to contain herself.
"It's happening again isn't it? It's the ZIP. You're hallucinating."
Once he'd guessed the truth Jane immediately gave in and nodded, the quivering expression on her face absolutely destroying him. She looked scared, and completely lost. As vulnerable as when she'd first come out of that bag, without a single memory and all alone in the world.
It wasn't a look he was used to seeing on her and it tore at his heart to think about how terrified she was, how she'd been facing it all alone. Weller had a million questions but he didn't ask a single one as he closed the distance between them and silently pulled Jane into his arms, hugging her as tightly as he could.
For a moment she was still frozen and tense but then she sunk right into him, burrowing herself into his chest as he pulled her in even closer. Yet even wrapped within his arms, she felt on edge, somewhere between fight and flight.
Kurt found himself whispering into Jane's ear without even realizing it, repeating a mantra of encouraging words, a litany of sweet nothings. He even managed to maintain a soothing tone as his own heart pounded with fear; all that past trauma flooding through his nervous system too.
"Everything's going to be okay," he murmured, desperately willing it to be true.
"I know you're scared. I am too. But we're going to get through this together. I'm right here and I'm going to take care of you."
The words shifted a bit but he said the same thing over and over until Jane no longer felt like a frightened animal, the tension gradually easing from her body as the adrenaline faded from her system.
When Jane finally felt settled, Kurt asked if she was ready to go back to the NYO. He was extremely anxious to get her to a doctor but didn't want to push her too hard when she was already going through so much.
Of course Jane responded by saying she was okay, though he could hear a tiny tremble in her voice that told him exactly how not okay she was. So he held her close all the way into the SUV, noticing how gingerly she was moving and making a mental note to ask her what had happened in the church once she seemed ready to talk.
He was a bit worried about all the hits she must have taken in the course of what appeared to be a multi-combatant melee. But what he really wanted to know was who she'd been talking to when they got there, what the hallucination had been telling her. It seemed to have really bothered her, gotten under her skin. Which made him an extra degree of worried, on top of his already exorbitant fear that Patterson's cure hadn't worked and he was going to lose her to ZIP after all.
Yet Kurt forced himself to stay calm as he gathered her up in the backseat of the vehicle, Jane still distressingly quiet and clingy. Not that he disliked having her nestle into him, in fact he enjoyed it more than he should; loved that he could offer her comfort in those rare moments when she showed her need for emotional support.
But it always felt wrong when Jane was so scared, like his entire world was off kilter. It made him feel helpless, like he'd failed as her husband. His daughter and his wife were all that mattered and it broke him when he was unable to protect them. In this case it was even worse than usual, because Jane had sealed herself in with the ZIP to save him. She had risked everything to keep him safe, not knowing there was an antidote and knowing exactly what it was like to lose her life to the drug, both figuratively and literally.
Weller nearly groaned out loud at the thought, his mind flashing to the sight of her in that chamber, apologizing for what she'd done. Out of everything he could think of, it was the one thing he could never forgive her for. Sacrificing herself for him; forcing him to live on without her.
His ribs tightened with the thought and Kurt momentarily forgot how to breathe as ice cold fear flooded through his veins. Suddenly the only thing keeping him warm was Jane's body against his, her breath hot against his chest.
Weller was still stuck in his emotional black hole as Jane shifted in his arms, leaning her head back a bit to look up at him. Completely caught up in his anxiety, he didn't even notice until she'd reached her hand up to touch him on the jaw, her brow furrowed as she ran her thumb over his stubble.
"Hey. Please don't worry. I'm sorry I scared you."
He didn't want her to apologize, to be stressing out about him when she'd just been through the wringer both physically and emotionally. Hell, he just wanted her to be healthy, for them to have a future. But in the moment, he would settle for regaining control over his rampant feelings, being there for his still-shaky wife.
"Shhh," he admonished gently. "None of that. We can talk about everything later. Right now, just do your best to relax until we get you to the doctor, okay?"
Miraculously, Jane didn't resist; just gave him a sad little nod before snuggling into him again. Which reminded him of how devastated she'd looked when they'd found her in that church, soaked to the skin and talking to ghosts.
His chest clenched painfully again as he remembered her standing there and breaking down. But this time Weller managed to swallow down his emotions, concentrated on holding Jane together instead; his arms folded around her and his lips planted on the top of her head.
"Everything's going to be okay, Jane," he murmured once more, right against her ear.
"I promise."
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It had been a hard come down from the physical intensity of the fight and the emotional distress of confronting hallucinatory Tom Carter; having to face some of her deepest fears about herself. Jane didn't know what she would have done if Kurt hadn't tracked her down and pulled her into his arms just as she was about to break.
His terrified, loving embrace had been enough to keep all of her fears contained, a balm for her increasingly achy body too. She couldn't quite remember the fight or any specific hits she had taken, just that it had felt incredibly satisfying to unleash herself after her combat skills had been dormant for so long. Now though, she was paying the price for having put her body through all that violence; her ribs becoming increasingly sore and her head starting to pound as well.
Thankfully, she was still wrapped in Kurt's arms, surrounded in his comforting solidness as they waited for the doctor to come examine her. He had been so gentle with her since he'd found her in that church, hadn't asked her to explain any of it during the car ride to the NYO. Even though she knew he had to be upset with her for taking off on her own, not telling him about her hallucinations in the first place. She could only imagine what she must have looked like standing there soaking wet and arguing with thin air, completely spent in body and mind. It must have scared the hell out of him, especially considering her first nearly fatal bout with ZIP poisoning wasn't all that far in the past.
But he hadn't pushed her to talk, even now, long after her system had finally calmed down. Which Jane appreciated immensely, because she still didn't know what to say; how to tell him that she was probably dying again.
Not that Weller wouldn't have already arrived at that conclusion himself, with her history and his natural inclination towards worry. But Jane wanted to reassure him, tell him that everything would be fine, the same way that he'd done for her, even through his own distress. She just didn't have it in her at the moment, even though she hated seeing him that upset.
So, for once, Jane gave into her own needs and just let Kurt silently cuddle her, his breath hot in her still-wet hair. She sunk so deeply into his comfort that it was difficult to pull herself out of his arms even when Dr. Horne came into the room to start the exam. But she forced herself to push away from Weller's warmth as she sat up straight to face the doctor and find out her fate.
"Jane," Dr. Horne greeted her. "How are you feeling? I heard you've been having hallucinations since I administered Patterson's treatment. Have you experienced any other symptoms?"
Jane thought about it for a moment before saying no, even though her body was achy and her head was pounding. She figured that those issues were unrelated to the ZIP, had only shown up after the extended battle.
"Okay, well let's draw some blood so we can do some lab work and see what…"
"Actually doc, she has a headache and pain in her chest as well," Weller interrupted from his new position, standing just far enough away to let the doctor examine her without obstruction.
"Can you check for fractures or a concussion? I'm worried about possible lung damage too."
Jane turned her head sharply towards him, then immediately regretted the quick movement as a wave of nausea passed through her. Blinking the sensation away, she frowned at Kurt; both annoyed and mildly impressed all at once. She hadn't mentioned any of her hurts to him, thought she'd been doing a good job of hiding her aches. But of course he had noticed anyways; she should have known she'd never get away with it, not when her husband was both overprotective and a trained investigator.
"I'm fine, just a bit sore," Jane muttered, knowing she'd lost already when the doctor gave her a concerned look.
"Well, let's take some x-rays just to be sure," she said.
Jane sighed but didn't bother putting up a fight. She didn't want to argue with Kurt and at least it was a way to relieve some of his worries.
So she let Dr. Horne draw some vials of blood and take x-rays of her chest and her skull. Then it was back to waiting, sitting on the bed with Kurt. This time, however, she knew she had to talk to him.
Weller was murmuring to her, asking if everything went okay during the procedures and Jane wondered again what she had ever done to deserve such patience from him. She knew he had a head full of questions and still he hadn't asked any of them, except the ones about how she was feeling.
"Yeah, except for the hallucinations I feel fine," Jane said, determined to get herself together and stop leaning on her worried husband.
Kurt frowned at her reply, clearly not willing to let even a small untruth slide by.
Jane sighed as she raised her eyes and saw his concerned, disapproving expression.
"Okay, I took a couple of hits during the fight but the doctor didn't see any breaks in the x-rays. So you don't have to worry, it's just bruised ribs and a mild concussion."
Weller shook his head at her, his brow still furrowed and his eyes shining with emotion.
"Your brain's already been through so much," he murmured.
"Why didn't you tell me about the hallucinations?"
Jane shrugged, initially unsure of the answer herself. Everything that had happened since she started seeing things seemed so surreal, it was hard to even recall what she had been thinking when it first started. But then she remembered how panicked she'd felt seeing Roman in the bathroom, such a vivid reminder of her recent descent into death. And how Roman's little pep talk got at her, pushed her to both question her entire existence and to take matters into her own hands.
Classic hallucinatory Roman.
"I was scared. And you would have made me go to the doctor," she admitted. "Roman convinced me that I had to do it on my own. I mean, I guess I convinced myself."
Kurt's expression softened at the mention of her brother, clearly understanding how much it would have affected her to hallucinate him again after everything she'd been through the first time.
"Oh, Jane," he murmured, bringing his hand up to caress her cheek. "Of course you did."
It was hard not to lean into his touch, to remember that she was trying to be strong for him. He was adjusting to the information he'd only just been presented with, all of his worst fears showing up yet again.
"I'm sorry," she said, biting her lip as she thought back to her decision. She had walked into a dangerous situation without any backup while actively hallucinating. If Kurt had ditched her to do something like that on his own she would be extremely upset with him. Yet even the hint of annoyance had bled out of his expression, replaced by overwhelming compassion.
"You must have been so worried."
Kurt shook his head, his blue eyes watery once more.
"I know you can take care of yourself," he said. "But you still should have called us for backup."
"I know. And I would have," she replied. "But I wasn't thinking straight. There was so much going on in my head."
"Thank you for coming to find me."
"Always," Kurt answered, almost too sincerely. His thumb ran over her cheekbone once more, his eyes overflowing with concern.
"What happened at the cathedral? Who were you talking to?"
She'd been waiting for that question; knew that there was no way to avoid telling him about what she'd been talking about when they found her. Even though she didn't want to say the words out loud, admit to her inner doubts.
Jane took a long time in answering, her eyes locking onto his as she worked out what to say. But Kurt didn't push her, just silently encouraged her with his affectionate expression, his unending patience.
"It was Tom Carter," she finally said.
"He was telling me that I'm napalm, that I destroy everything that comes close to me."
Kurt opened his mouth and Jane could tell he was about to voice his objections so she interrupted him before he even got a word out.
"I told him it wasn't true. But the thing is, it is."
She knew Weller would argue and, paradoxically, she wanted to both hear his words and reject them too.
"Jane. That's not tr…" he started, before she interjected right away, pushing away his reassurance.
"It is, Kurt. Everything I touch blows up, how can I expect this to be any different?"
For Jane, that was what it always came down to in her mind. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise, there was some truth to what Carter had said. And it was so easy to get caught up in the anxiety that she was going to irrevocably damage the very thing that she cherished the most.
But Kurt just looked both concerned and confused, wearing a familiar frown. Usually they were on the same page but he didn't seem to understand that her mind had latched onto her worst fears.
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Everything's going to be okay, the doctor is going to figure out what's wrong and you're going to be fine."
Jane shook her head, feeling despair come over her again as she saw the depth of concern in his eyes. She should just stop there, just agree with Kurt and tell him that he's right so he stops looking so upset. But all of those emotions from the cathedral bubbled up in her again and obliterated all rational thought, pushing the words right out of her.
"I destroy things, Kurt. Especially the people that I love."
She was destroying him right then, she could tell from the way he silently shook his head, closing his eyes briefly in a futile effort to blink away his tears.
"Jane," he said, his voice creaky with emotion. "That's not true."
But of course it was, she was proving it right there and then. Kurt looked desperate, unsure about how to fix things. Which only made sense because she was unfixable, fundamentally broken.
"I know you have doubts, we all do. But we're so close to getting our lives back and the future we both deserve. I'm not going to let your demons win, Jane."
He sounded so goddamned sure of himself that it jarred her, snapped her to attention. She didn't always have the strength to fight her doubts. But sitting there with Kurt, everything seemed more possible.
Especially when he was giving her a sad-yet-encouraging crooked smile, too much love shining in his eyes as he made his declaration.
So, ultimately, there was nothing to do but believe him, throw all her faith in one Kurt Weller shaped basket. No matter how scared she was of ultimately hurting him in her destructive wake, somehow even her worst anxieties were tamed by his sweet yet firm assurances.
She looked up at him, soaking up the steadfast tenderness in his gaze. The fear that she would somehow damage him was still there but had retreated back into its regular place in the back of her mind. At the forefront, there was just Kurt and his unending support, telling her that everything was going to be okay.
So even if she was made of napalm, there were stronger forces at work than just her destructive capabilities. On her own, it was easy to forget that her life was more than a storm path. It was a good thing Kurt was right beside her, reminding her of everything he brought out in her, the life they had built together.
"You never do," she replied, her words breathy and barely audible.
Kurt grinned more broadly at that, the furrow in his brow finally disappearing as he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her even closer.
"Right? And I'm not going to start now. We're going to be okay. I promise."
It was a ridiculous promise to make before the doctor even got back with her test results. But he'd been giving her the same assurance ever since he found her in that church, his sincerity unrelenting. So Jane let him make it anyways, didn't even bother to argue. Because all his irrational promises made her feel grounded in his unending hope. And even though she could easily destroy him, sometimes even feeling like it's inevitable, she was going to do everything in her power to not let it happen.
We're going to be okay, Jane told herself silently, sinking back into his touch.
Kurt promised.