A/N: A huge thanks to Raven with a Writing Desk and RevanOrdo7567 for their awesome reviews! Feedback encourages me to write, so if you feel so inclined, please leave a review and maybe I'll get the next chapter out faster (at least, if I'm not swamped in homework as grad classes pick up here xD). Thank you for reading!
Hurrying down the Hill was much easier than hurrying up it, and Amaranth reached Uncle Polo's hole in no time. But wheedling away the other three pies from the pantry was going to take a little longer.
Fortunately, the new batch was still baking in the oven and according to the lick-a-finger-and-tap-the-crust test, they wouldn't be done for several more minutes, which meant she had those minutes to pack up their predecessors while saving Uncle Polo's quizzing for after the fact. Unfortunately, Uncle Polo decided to come perform the stick-a-knife-in-the-center test just as Amaranth was figuring out how to arrange cooling racks and kindling to stack the pies in her basket without squashing them.
"More pies, Amaranth?"
She almost knocked over the neat tower in her basket as she whirled around to face him. "Oh, yes, I mean, cousin Bilbo has more guests than, I mean, when I arrived he had guests and they'd caught him just before baking day"—surely a hobbit as fastidious as Bilbo had one of those—"and he was all out so I couldn't help but mention ours, and he didn't want me to"—or at least he wouldn't have, the dear fellow—"but I told him it was no bother and I promise it won't be, I hid a whole batch of berries in the back of the second pantry in case Posco took to snacking so I can whip up new ones in no time at all, I promise!"
At least that last part was all truth. She'd be staying up late tonight, but she'd stay up late a score of nights if it meant she could find out what master Gandalf was up to with her cousin.
Uncle Polo didn't look quite convinced as he straightened up from the oven. "Bilbo Baggins unprepared for guests? That's a new one, I must say. And four pies-my my. Must be quite the unexpected party he's having."
Amaranth nodded but said nothing, watching him mull it over.
It felt like an entire Age passed before he slowly nodded. "I suppose we can't let him down. Those guests had certainly best appreciate your handiwork, my dear."
She would have flown across the kitchen and hugged him if it wouldn't have meant the possible ruin of her pie tower. As it was, she had to struggle to keep her smile at an appropriate level to show her happiness in being able to help her cousin, instead of giving away her sheer excitement. After all, if word got around that Bilbo was consorting with dwarves and a wizard, only the Green Lady knew what might happen. No, this party was staying as unimportant as possible.
Walking back up the Hill while loaded down with three berry pies should have felt much harder than it did. As it was, it seemed like only a moment before she was wading through dwarves toward the kitchen. Polite "excuse me"s that couldn't be heard turned quickly to elbowing her way around, not that the dwarves seemed to care either way, and twice she had to duck under someone (Dwalin? Bifur? she should have paid more attention to those introductions) toting an entire cask around on his shoulders.
But finally she made it and found her first pie hidden in a cupboard under the crumb-riddled counter, still intact. Laying it out on the counter with its fellows, she looked around the kitchen only to discover the knives were all gone. Not just the silver, but the carving and the paring and the peeling and all the rest of them. "How am I supposed to cut pie without a—"
"Knife?" A familiar voice asked, and Fili held out a blade that looked more like a miniature meat cleaver than anything that should be used on dessert.
"I thought you gave all those to Bilbo," she answered, accepting it anyway.
"Not that one, that's one he keeps in his boot, for emergencies." Kili appeared next to his brother, both guffawing as Amaranth dropped the knife to the counter with a clang.
"Well, I'm certainly not using it on the pies then, am I." She looked around, trying to spot Bilbo in the horde now stuffed into the dining room, but without any luck. "Did either of you happen to see my cousin wandering around looking like he's about to yank the hair clean off his toes?"
"Aye, I think he's still trying to guard the pantry." Fili gestured down the hall as Kili side-eyed the pies laid out in a row. Obviously leaving them alone together was not an option. But there were no cutting utensils to be seen, knives or otherwise.
"Right, then." Amaranth picked up the Dwarven knife gingerly. It looked clean enough, at least. "Just don't—don't tell him, please?"
"We'll be quiet as stone, we promise." Kili grinned and she wasn't sure whether to trust that grin, but she had no other choice.
She raised the knife to make the first cut, then paused. "How many of you are there, exactly?"
"Thirteen, only Uncle's not here yet, so twelve of us and Gandalf makes just thirteen." He was still grinning.
"So assuming that your uncle, Bilbo, and I all would like some, that's sixteen. Perfect." She couldn't help grinning herself as Kili pretended to pout. "A quarter for everyone, then. Master Fili, if I could trouble you to round up some unused plates if any are still around—?"
"At your service." He bowed and was off, though after he actually climbed through the other dwarves onto the dining room table she couldn't watch any more. Bilbo would almost certainly be scrubbing everything down with lye soap for days.
Kili leaned forward across the counter, bracing himself on his elbows. "So tell me, Amaranth, are your cousin's...skills specific to him, or are all hobbits as good as he is?" His words were directed at her, and his hair hung around his face despite a few silver-clasped braids, but she could clearly see his eyes darting toward—
"Away from the pies, please." She waved the knife in what she hoped was a threatening gesture until he straightened up again with a shameless smile and shrug. Oozing charm he may be, but—wait, what? "Which skills do you mean?"
"You know, the ones Fili didn't want to talk about on the road. Burglaring," he elaborated in a loud whisper when she kept staring at him.
"Goodness, I told you already, we're none of us like that, least of all Bilbo." She sliced the first pie into quarters and moved on to the second. The knife was heavy but slid through the filling and crust like they were water.
"Oh, I see, it's a secret." Kili nodded wisely. "Well, we already know, so there's no need to hide anything, is there. You can tell me." His dark eyes were twinkling with conspiratorial glee.
"Kili, I don't know how to make you see, there is nothing to tell." On to the third pie. "We're peaceful, quiet, food-loving, gardening, law-abiding folk here in the Shire. The only burglary that goes on around here is the occasional bundle of mushrooms, and that's only a tween prank. Bilbo's never stolen anything in his life!"
Well...unless she counted Rory's piece of cake that one Midsummer's feast. But it ended up smashed on Posco's face, and besides, that was back when they were all fauntlings.
"Never," she repeated as furrows appeared on Kili's forehead.
"Then why would—" he began, but was interrupted by Fili's arrival, plates in hand.
"Will these do? They're not unused, but when the word of more dessert got around, they emptied in no time."
She eyed the food-crusted plates, then shrugged. "If you don't mind getting tomato juice or marmalade on your pie, then they'll do." Each plate took a piece of pie, and together with the brothers she carried twelve to the dining room.
"Could you please pass these along, sir?" she asked the white-haired dwarf sitting at one corner of the table as Kili and Fili manned the other side.
"Why of course, mistress." He took a plate for himself and began handing others down the table. "I don't believe we met earlier. Balin, at your service. And you must be Mistress Baggins?"
"Oh, no, I'm Bilbo's cousin Amaranth." Goodness, they probably had all assumed—dear. At least Fili and Kili could set them straight (if they chose, at least). "Just helping him out. It seems you all arrived rather suddenly for him."
"He did seem a bit flustered at first, but he apologized handsomely, so I'm sure everything's quite in order. Well, well, this is quite a fine pie. Master Baggins certainly keeps an excellent larder!"
Or had a very generous cousin once removed living down the road, Amaranth almost added. Instead she excused herself and fled back to the kitchen just in time to catch Kili about to stick his finger in the last pie.
"You had yours already," she scolded as she slapped his hand away. She should probably be more concerned that she was slapping a strange dwarf than about his attempted robbery, but tonight was a strange night. "I don't think master Gandalf would look kindly on someone trying to steal his pie."
"I wasn't trying to rob Gandalf!" Kili shook his hand out as if she'd bludgeoned it.
"Well, Bilbo and I certainly deserve a share, don't we? And your uncle?"
"I would never dream of taking food from you or your cousin either," he said, ignoring Amaranth's snort. "But it's not as though Uncle Thorin would know. Besides, as soon as he comes we'll all have to settle down to business, and this wonderful pie doesn't deserve to be eaten by someone who's not able to pay it the proper attention."
"Your flattery is noted, but the answer is still no." She wiped the last few plates down with her dishcloth and set out the final four slices of pie. "These two here are for your uncle and me, and if I come back and find either has been disturbed, I-I'll ask master Gandalf very nicely to turn you into a spotted toad, so I will."
She left Kili gaping in the kitchen and carried the other two plates toward the entryway, where Bilbo was gesticulating fiercely and whisper-yelling at Gandalf himself. "—want to get used to them! They pillaged my pantry, I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to—"
"Pardon me for interrupting you, Bilbo," she said as she slid in between them, "but I'm guessing you haven't had much to eat?"
He flapped his hand in the general direction of the dining room. "Amaranth. Have you seen the absolute mess in there? I was lucky to nab a scone—they've cleaned me out entirely! And I still don't understand what they're doing in my—"
"Good thing I brought the pie then, isn't it. Here you are!"
The visible tension in his shoulders eased just slightly as he took the plate from her, and she turned to Gandalf. "I saved a piece for you too, master wizard, if you'd like it, that is." Did wizards eat pie?
He hmmed thoughtfully and reached down to take the plate. "Thank you, my dear. This looks very good. Amaranth—Brandybuck, is it? Mirabella Took's daughter?"
"Why, yes!" She stared up at him, flabbergasted. "How did you know?"
"I knew Belladonna Took and her two closest sisters very well when they were young. Did they never mention my fireworks to you?"
"Excuse me," a quiet voice cut in as one of the smaller dwarves approached Bilbo and Amaranth, mouse-brown hair hanging over his thick knitted scarf. "Sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?"
They had manners after all. Who would have guessed—
"Here, give it to me, Ori." Fili strolled up and snatched the plate in question, then hurled it toward a suddenly-appearing Kili, who hurled it into the kitchen, where it—did not smash? Thank the Lady for small mercies, at least.
"What do you think you're doing?" She started toward the brothers, only for Fili to knock her out of the way of a flying soup bowl.
"Best stay against the wall there, Amaranth!"
Clutching his half-eaten pie, Bilbo raced past her shouting about blunting knives as a rhythmic clatter of silver and a bevy of flying forks rose from the dwarves in the dining room.
Then Kili started to sing about wanton destruction of property.
And Fili joined in.
And so did the rest of the dwarves.
Even though no dishes were actually broken by the time they were done tossing them into neat towers, and despite the surprising amount she enjoyed the impromptu music from her spot plastered against the entryway wall, Amaranth was officially taking back her hasty judgment about Dwarven manners.