Memento Mori

by Kirodan

"You were too late, but now you are in time. Touch only what you have to save and leave the rest alone or it will leave you behind" Harry is not so okay after the final battle. The mirror of Erised has something he didn't know he needed. Now it is up to him. Lines in bold italic are written by J.K Rowling

7. Chapter 6

Harry hadn't seen Snape since the night the man had deposited him in the hospital wing but thanks to this, he didn't feel quite so bad the whole summer. Thoughts plagued him now and then but with the help of the set of potions he'd received as a parting gift form madam Pomfrey, he no longer had the urge to obsess over the matter of Sirius' death. This of course didn't mean there was no imprint left in his mind. As it was, he felt something inside him had snapped irreversibly and his relatives too couldn't help but notice the obvious change in his general attitude.

Harry's emotions swung like a pendulum frustrating him for the lack of control and focus. He couldn't bring himself to do anything of import and yet he felt constantly guilty about not making any progress as time was passing him by. He had managed to make several good quality phials of the antidote which he'd already put in the appropriate stasis thanks to Severus who'd pointed out the proper books. It made him feel so incompetent that Severus should help him on every turn even if now it was supposed t be the other way around, but he paid no mind to this stubborn childish feeling. What mattered was that he had it. What was left for him to do was plan the actual events so that when the time came, nothing would obstruct his actions.

The thought that he might have to die this time didn't even faze him and Harry knew it was the calming potions he was ingesting like pumpkin juice lately. He was not playing the hero this time, just a person who was too tired to even think of a life after. And perhaps it would be a form of divine justice, it would be only fair that he died after he'd let so many dear ones go before their natural time.

The dreams did not help vague as they were but filled nonetheless with death, lust and hatred. With every slumber, he felt he betrayed everybody who'd cared for him relentlessly without remorse.

It was like he was numb to everything. And even as Dumbledore came to fetch him and spoke of Sirius' will, it couldn't bother him less. Yes, I killed him – and I'll have to live with that. I have things to do, a goal set. I knew this would happen. I can't let it push me off my course now. Whatever it is, I can deal with it after it's all over. That was all he could say to himself to assuage the guilt inside and disgusted as he was by this, it was becoming easier with every passing day.

It wasn't until Harry first saw Severus, that he realized how much time had passed.

"Someone's coming down for you," said Tonks, "Look."

A lantern was bobbing at the distant foot of the castleand Harry's froze, his heart hammering inside his chest for no reason at all. Last time he'd seen the Potions Master, he was in no condition to think straight much less manage a rational sentence. And strangely he felt very much the same way now. His eyes roamed over the approaching figure, drinking in the shadowy features of the man who owned his every thought.

"Well, well, well," sneered Snape, taking out his wand and tapping the padlock once, so that the chains snaked backward and the gates creaked open. "Nice of you to turn up, Potter, although you have evidently decided that the wearing of school robes would detract from your appearance."

Harry didn't even register he was addressed in any way but simply stared on at the professor.

"There is no need to wait, Nymphadora, Potter is quite — ah — safe in my hands."

"I meant Hagrid to get the message," said Tonks, frowning.

"Hagrid was late for the start-of-term feast, just like Potter here, so I took it instead. And incidentally," said Snape, standing back to allow Harry to pass him, "I was interested to see your new Patronus."

He shut the gates in her face with a loud clang and tapped the chains with his wand again, so that they slithered, clinking, back into place.

"I think you were better off with the old one," said Snape, the malice in his voice unmistakable. "The new one looks weak."

As Snape swung the lantern about, Harry saw, fleetingly, a look of shock and anger on Tonks' face. Then she was covered in darkness once more.

"Good night," Harry called to her over his shoulder, as he began the walk up to the school with Snape. "Thanks for…everything,"

"See you, Harry."

Harry went alongside Severus on the alley leading to the castle, eyes fixed to the ground until the Potions Master broke the silence.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor for lateness, I think," said Snape. "And, let me see, another twenty for your Muggle attire. You know, I don't believe any House has ever been in negative figures this early in the term: We haven't even started pudding. You might have set a record, Potter."

Harry had to remind himself that the last few years have passed differently than the last time, for Severus Snape gave away no indication of that fact.

After a few silent moments though, Harry felt a hand on his shoulder effectively stopping him. He turned to look at his professor.

"You have taken your potions, I trust," Snape gave a flick of his wand and the tip ignited illuminating his face. Harry blinked and turned away from it frowning slightly.

"Yes, I have." He muttered softly and it sounded sad to his own ears.

They reached the castle steps at last and as the great oaken front doors swung open into the vast flagged entrance hall, a burst of talk and laughter and of tinkling plates and glasses greeted them through the doors standing open into the Great Hall.

Harry sighed and before his professor could continue repeating himself strode off at fast speed to the Gryffindor table.

All the notions and fancies he'd allowed himself to build up while he was away had been effortlessly shattered not two minutes in the man's actual presence.

"We are pleased to welcome a new member of staff this year, Professor Slughorn"— Slughorn stood up, his bald head gleaming in the candlelight, his big waist-coated belly casting the table into shadow — "is a former colleague of mine who has agreed to resume his old post of Potions master."

"Potions?" said Ron and Hermione together, turning to stare at Harry who shrugged and stared ahead to the high table. "But you said —"

"Professor Snape, meanwhile," said Dumbledore, raising voice so that it carried over all the muttering, "will be taking the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

There was no triumph reflected in Snape's features. Harry wondered if this was a change in his or the professor's perspective on things. Most likely the former, he concluded as Severus had nothing to celebrate this year. The gratification of his wish to teach DADA was merely a consolation for what he was about to do. Dumbledore was making sure he would be the one to appoint the next potions master in the school before his plans unfolded.

Harry tore his gaze away from the high table, still feeling acutely a phantom hand, warm and heavy on his shoulder.

In his first DADA class of the year Snape behaved much the same way Harry remembered. There was no surprise, really. Harry guessed he'd thought on at least several occasions about his speech to every year in this particular class. It was, after all, his ambition for years.

"…you are, I believe, complete novices in the use of nonverbal spells. What is the advantage of a nonverbal spell?"

Hermione's hand shot into the air.To Snape's undisguised surprise so did Harry's. Now this is a dilemma, Harry ventured. The know-it-all or the bane of his existence.

"Mr. Potter?"

Harry lowered his hand, his throat unusually dry.

"By using a nonverbal spell instead of saying the incantation aloud, you gain the few crucial moments in which your opponent might otherwise recognize your spell and counter it."

Snape turned his eyes from him to sweep the class once more.

"You will now divide - into pairs. One partner will attempt to jinx the other without speaking. The other will attempt to repel the jinx in equal silence. Carry on."

Just as the last time, Harry coupled with Ron who wasn't able to produce a spark without at least muttering. Snape had watched them for several minutes and seemed to have finally lost his patience.

"Pathetic, Weasley," he said. "Here — let me show you —"

He turned his wand on Harrywho breathed deeply assuring himself Severus wasn't simply going to curse him in the classroom.

"You focus your thoughts," he muttered. "simultaneously on the effect you seek and the incantation itself. It is not the word that produces the effect but the control you exert over your own magic. Like this," he flicked his wand and Harry barely managed to produce a wordless shield to the mild stinging hex.

Snape eyed him thoughtfully but stepped aside.

"Here now, try again."

Harry very much doubted this was what would indeed have happened the first time around. This thought however, did nothing to cheer him up as he knew that even though he was one step closer to the fulfillment of his duty, his heart's desire was still millions of miles away.

There was no use in trying to achieve a detention from the professor this year. Though he felt sure it was imminent, he couldn't afford to waste Snape's and his own time and nerves. What good could it produce anyway? In the best of options, Harry would say something he'd regret later. No, this state of things was alright. Besides he was starting to realize it hurt to be around Severus these days.

Harry spent the following week studying for he found he had nothing better to do round Hogwarts anymore. The transfiguration study was going as well as it could as it was bound to be slow and time consuming and when he didn't give it his full attention, Harry went on long walks – by himself when he could manage it or otherwise with Ron or Hermione – around the castle and the grounds. Still, he felt like a beast in a cage, free to go everywhere but where he wanted to. Watching for Malfoy on the Marauders map now and then, he felt sure the situation was as he remembered it as the teenager was lurking around the seventh floor more than anywhere else. When he wasn't watching him, he looked for what Snape was doing. The professor seemed a bit restless whenever he saw him there, for the labels changed it seemed every other minute. It was natural though, Harry thought, with his present state and liabilities.

It wasn't until Saturday afternoon that he saw the professor again. Harry was walking on the side of the lake, looking in his map when he located Snape not very further down on the grounds with a label titled 'reading'. As it was unusual for the professor to be engaged in this sort of activity outside, puzzled, Harry followed the path to his location. Sure enough, he was there, far from any students or other professor, sitting on the grass near a tree looking lost in his book. Harry approached him carefully, even more confused now. His whole concept of the formidable Potions Master diminished with the ungraceful, careless stance.

"Sir?"

Snape whirled around to face the voice and there was a brief glare there on his face before he composed his features.

"Potter.", he acknowledged.

Harry smiled slightly, leaning to the side of the tree quietly.

"Are you going to stand there and stare all day?", Severus said at last a bit exasperated. Fair enough, Harry thought and chuckled.

"No. Just as long as it takes to commit it to memory."

"Go away, Potter." He said but there was no malice in the words.

"I will but promise me not to put this in the syllabus." Harry said indicating the long forgotten gift now open in Severus' lap.

"I assure you that the ones least equipped to handle the content, already know it too well." His professor replied softly closing the book. "What are you scheming these days?" he asked and Harry smiled before he could stop himself.

"Why are you so sure I'm scheming?"

Severus sighed heavily, "It has been my job for too long to know when a student is up to something." He looked at him sideways, black hair covering most of his face. "And you, Mr. Potter, are always up to something."

Harry felt laughter bubble up in him, and giddy with the sensation he let it out. Severus looked so young just then, careless, teasing and perfectly correct as usual. He felt his chest constrict, suddenly longing for more and knowing with a new clarity that he was utterly gone on a man who'd never see him as anything more than a duty and a burden. Merlin, but he looked beautiful to him just then.

"I will leave you to your reading, sir." Harry said still smiling even if he wished to scream instead.

When he later thought back to that moment, venturing for explanation of this extraordinary behavior, Harry came up with a few very unbelievable excuses for Snape to be there of all places. Perhaps the tension was too much for him, perhaps he couldn't come to terms with his new office and classroom. Either way, it was very nostalgic to see him sitting right there on the ground reading a book. He looked at least ten years younger like this. And contrary to rational thought and self-preservation, Harry missed spending time with his professor.

"POTTER!", Snape's voice boomed in the classroom in the second after he had deflected said pupil's curse.

Harry's eyes were wide with surprise, not with the yelling of an angry Severus but because of the fact that he actually fired the curse in his direction in the first place. What was wrong with him?

Well, admittedly a lot was messing with his head, especially when he was in one room with the professor but to get so distracted as to not only direct his thoughts towards him, but also his wand, was unforgivable.

Harry shuddered and took a few steps back almost involuntary, though he was well aware there was no escaping Snape's well-reasoned outbreak.

The DADA professor seemed to glide over the stone floor so fast that Harry only blinked and he was already looming over him.

"Idiotic boy!", Snape hissed threateningly.

Harry shook his head stepping back.

"I'm a moron…", he mumbled almost incoherently.

"What?", Snape snapped.

"Nothing."

"Give me your wand.",

"What?", Harry's voice went an octave or two higher, instinctively dreading the request.

"Your wand, Potter.", he drawled. "Or you thought I'd allow you to continue trying to hex everything you can point at?" Harry extended his hand offering his wand. "You can get it once the class is over. For now – you can attend to the other students. I'd recommend miss Patil and miss Brown over there.", he turned round but halted after only a step. "It is not necessary to mention you just lost Gryffindor 50 points and you are to serve detention Saturday night in my office, is it, now?"

Harry exhaled slowly and turned to walk towards Lavender and her partner ignoring the sniggering from the green part of the room.

As the lesson ended Harry waited for everybody else to file out to go get his wand back. Ron passed him with a strange look which spoke of concern and a little bit of amusement. It wouldn't do to laugh at this situation however.

Harry approached Snape's desk, still overwhelmed at the loss of control needed to have spaced out that much..

"Once again you manage to surpass every expectation there is for your next step, Potter.", Snape addressed him coldly. "Cursing your professor in class – that is a bit over the top even for you, don't you think?"

Harry swallowed with some effort. So he thought this was another one of his games, great.

"I lost control, sir.", he admitted quietly.

Snape smirked narrowing his eyes.

"I'd advise you, if you want to hex me so much, in doing so when there are fewer witnesses to this act. There is, however, no real chance you will succeed."

"I'm glad! I don't know what overcame me to do this but I'm glad I cursed you of all the people in the room. If it was anybody else, they might have gotten hurt – I can't believe I spaced out like this…"

Suddenly Snape rose to his feet going around the desk to capture Harry's chin and turn his face upwards. Staring at his professor's eyes Harry froze, reminding himself that this was not a dream and even though the hand felt warmer than he'd imagined, he couldn't allow himself to do anything.

"Are you drinking your potions to the schedule?" Snape asked, his face contorted into a mixture of anger, some concern and something else Harry didn't have a name for.

"N-no.", his voice shook and he squeezed his eyes shut cursing himself for not being able to collect himself. "It's something altogether different, sir." he breathed out almost as a whisper and just as suddenly as he had advanced, Snape retreated a step backwards causing Harry to clutch at the desk for support. "I'm not hearing things again." he managed realizing how crazy that sounded.

"You are going to be late for your next class, Potter. Go. Now."

Snape might have said it calmly but something in Harry snapped to life on the mention of a way out and he almost ran out of the classroom bumping into some third years as they were trying to enter. With the door closed and finding himself alone in the corridor, Harry collided with the wall and let himself drop down, hands covering his face completely.

"Your wand, Potter.", Snape's voice came to him somewhat annoyed and Harry looked up to see him there.

"Thank you, sir."

"Hm.", was the only reaction he got.

He was – pathetic and he knew now how obvious this was. Trying to compose himself too late, Harry managed to get up and hurry to his next class.

It wasn't until Thursday that he saw Severus again. Much to his own distress, he had taken up to follow the professor's dot on the map whenever he got the chance and this day when he'd seen Snape was again 'reading' by the lake, his legs moved on their own accord taking him there. Realizing what he was about to do, Harry halted, too certain in the outcome another try at small talk would bring forth.

He chose instead to sit on a fairly distant bench, watching him and feeling sick of himself. He was a mess, totally obsessed with something he was never going to have. The worst thing was he was so much out of control of his own thoughts and actions by now, that he couldn't and didn't really want to change this fact even a bit. Harry didn't have the slightest idea how he got in this mess. It must have happened gradually for him not to notice. With the dreams morphing and the thoughts intensifying – and here he was now – a pitiful man eight years older than he was supposed to be, pinning for a man and not any man but one who loathed him for too many reasons to be counted.

"Spacing out again, are we, Potter?"

Harry hadn't realized Snape had left his spot by the tree as he was too lost in his musings. The cold voice felt like well-deserved torture.

"Why are you alone here?"

Harry glanced around surreptitiously and saw they were quite alone as it was getting dark already.

"Needed some peace and quiet, sir.", he chose to say for it was true for the most occasions he ventured alone through the grounds anyway.

Snape looked up towards the castle then back at him.

"I can – imagine."

As Harry smiled, the professor chose to take his leave. So much for peace and quiet in his head, he thought absently.

Saturday didn't go as planned for Harry. At least not after the Quidditch try-outs. Slughorn again invited him to his party and Harry told him about his detention. What Harry didn't expect was to get a note not from Severus but from the Potions professor a little while later, telling him he could go to the party instead. He didn't know what to do with this piece of information. What was the DADA professor thinking now? Was he really this desperate to rid himself of Potter's company to allow Slughorn to convince him? And what was Harry supposed to do now – go to the stupid party? He had no business there in the first place and he couldn't imagine sitting there all evening listening to nonsense. But he couldn't really avoid it now, could he? Not after Snape had inadvertently pushed him into it. Whatever Harry chose to excuse himself with, it would be bloody obvious he just didn't want to go.

To hell with it, Harry thought and got up to change his robes. Anything that could occupy his attention tonight instead of thoughts of Severus was welcome and much needed.

An hour and a half later found Harry at a table next to Hermione, wishing he was almost anywhere else. He had endured Slughorn's questions and everybody's answers for that matter. Even though they were supposed to be new to him as this was the first time he'd attended this particular gathering, it was really just the same old thing with new particulars.

It was pitiful, but he couldn't think of anything else, so…

"Excuse me, sir, I'm going to head off to Gryffindor tower a bit early."

"Is something the matter, my boy?", Slughorn asked concerned.

"Not really, professor. I'm just too tired to make good conversation, my apologies."

"Not at all, Harry, not at all! Go ahead and rest. We wouldn't want you to exhaust yourself on our behalf now, would we?"

"Thank you, sir."

Getting to the dorm wasn't enough of course. The first thing Harry did was extracting the Marauders map from his bag and finding Snape on it. Not sure what he meant by it, he nevertheless took his cloak and exited through the portrait.

"Enter.", Snape called as Harry knocked still under his cloak, only leaving it after he closed the door. "Potter.", he stated not betraying a hint of surprise.

"Yes, it is Potter again with a minor request, sir.", he stated leaning on the door. "If you don't want my company, don't hand me detentions, sir. You have Filch for that, you can make use of him. But whatever you choose, please, and I mean please, stick to it and don't hand me over to various Potion Masters instead."

Harry knew deep down this wasn't the kind of thing Severus would tolerate and was therefore a bit surprised when the lash out didn't follow immediately.

"You didn't enjoy the party, Potter?", Severus smirked no doubt about to give him the fame speech again but Harry was faster.

"Would you have enjoyed it, sir? – He was alluding to me being the 'chosen one' every other minute.", he mumbled the last part through gritted teeth. Snape snorted to this but said nothing and Harry grew tense sensing it was time to leave. "Just tell me when to come for my detention and I'll leave you to your work."

Snape stared at him for several moments before rising to his feet.

"Now would be as good a time as any."

"Now?"

"Yes, Potter, now. Come here.", he commanded and Harry, be it a little disturbed by the thought, did as he was told without complaint. "I have these texts here,", he pointed to a pile of ink-stained dribbles. "which I can't grade for rather obvious reasons. I expect you to put them right for me in the next couple of hours."

Snape sat back down after Harry did the same and returned his attention to his own pile of homework.

"This is the most pointless thing I've done in my life!", he muttered after several minutes. "Why don't you just give them a zero, sir? With the obvious disrespect they've been written, it's clear this is what they deserve. Even without the ink, they're almost illegible," Harry skimmed across a few more of the pile. "And frankly their content is worthless."

Snape frowned, lowering the parchment he was currently reading.

"Ever thought of a career in education, Potter?"

Harry looked at Severus and then at the parchments.

"I have – just now. It's not for everyone, is it?"

Snape snorted, leaving his parchment for one of the stained ones.

"You realize now why I delegated the task to you. I'd find you something more useful to do but my hands are quite empty at the moment, as you can see."

Harry found himself smiling at the smallest chance this presented that Snape didn't really hate his presence that much.

"Would you, by any chance, be so disposed as to let me grade those for you instead, sir?"

Snape glanced at him suspiciously for a moment but nodded all the same.

Harry didn't wait to be told to go ahead, but grabbed the red ink and started immediately.

It was a bit less than an hour later when he put the quill down.

"If this is the standard, you should give A's to those who manage to write their names correctly.", he said annoyed while pushing the papers into a tight pile.

"You have finished?", Snape frowned.

"I'm afraid so. You can check it if you want. There were actually three Acceptable and one EE in the pile of utter rubbish but nothing more. I know you reserve D's for your favorites only, so feel free to skim across the names. You can deem all the P's a D with clear conscience anyway."

Snape looked as if he wasn't sure whether to glare or to smirk right now and finally he settled to a frown.

"I admit I am rather curious, Potter."

Harry stared at him for a second.

"About what, sir?"

"Your behavior since you came back has been – odd for a lack of a better word."

"It has, hasn't it?", he replied pensively. "It's nothing serious, sir. Just an infatuation I can't get out of my head by any means I've tried."

"Why would you want it out of your head, Potter?" Snape asked quirking an eyebrow and still managing to look nonchalant.

"I don't, not really, but I have to–", Harry clenched his fists. Talking about this with Snape was decidedly the last thing he wanted to be doing. "I have no place for it in my life, and no time. And even if I did, this is a matter of a completely one-sided affection, so – it's not meant to be for me. I'm sorry, sir, I said too much."

Severus looked at him frowning and took his time to reply.

"It is alright, Potter, after all I was the one who wanted to know. You can go now. Your detention is over.", Snape seemed lost in thought now.

Harry got up but wavered over a question he couldn't contain.

"Sir?"

"What now?"

"May I ask you the same question in turn? It's not my place to do so, but I've – "

"I simply have a lot on my mind, Potter."

"Something with the Order?"

Snape sighed exasperated and looked him straight in the eye.

"Yes, something with the Order."

"Are you going to be alright, sir?"

Severus narrowed his eyes for an instant, then relaxed them and redirected his gaze to the side.

"I don't know."

Harry felt his heartbeat speeding up. So this was how he had felt all this time. And this was only the surface of his thoughts and feelings if he thought he could confide it to him of all people.

Harry contemplated the choice here, for he was certain if he wanted, he could tell Severus that he knew what he had to do and yet he still trusted him implicitly. But – what good would that do? Surely, if he'd asked what he could do, Snape would never answer him truthfully. Slowly, he realized this was no longer a matter of words here between them. It was about Harry finding a way to ease this tension, not letting him fall any deeper under the weight of his impending duty. But could he really do anything to help Severus? Didn't Severus himself want to be left alone – no, he couldn't let the past repeat itself. He couldn't forgive himself then and there was no way he'd forgive himself now. He himself had lost his life for this man, had lost eight years which would never come back to him, regardless of the slowly merging timeline; had lost his friends, everyone he cared about, but Severus. And now Snape was all that was left to him. The only person that excited him, moved him; the only one he gave a damn about was he. He had to do something, anything, to be close to this man in what was perhaps the last year, for who could know what would happen next? No, this wasn't the time to be self-depreciating.

Harry lifted his head to look at the man in front of him and doubt seeped back inside. Still what if he could do nothing to help him? What if perhaps he stood in the way of Snape's peace and precious balance? After all, who knew if Severus would appreciate Harry doing anything for him, even appreciate his company? In the original timeline Snape had hated him and had wanted nothing to do with him – why should it be any different now?

"-time you go back to your dormitory, Potter.", he said calmly but Harry barely registered only half of his words. "Potter,", Snape repeated. "Are you alright?"

'I am a fool.',Harry thought, already getting up.

"Yes, sir, quite alright. Good night."

Severus looked suspicious but nevertheless let him go without a comment.

Sunday morning came slowly for Harry, who hadn't slept much in favor of tossing and turning and contemplating.

During breakfast, he watched Snape while he ate and conversed with the other professors. Then he watched Snape's dot as it went to the dungeons and to the potions lab. Seeing this, Harry leaped up and took off.

Entering, he saw Snape's back was turned to him as he was bending over a cauldron on the table in the center of the room. It seemed Severus hadn't noticed him as he approached closer until he said.

"Pass me the wormwood, please."

Harry started but composed himself quickly enough to look around the room and spot said jar.

Lifting it, he passed it to Snape's outstretched hand, getting the impression, as the professor didn't so much as look at him, that he didn't know it was Harry in the room with him.

"Thank you, Potter.", he replied, dispersing the illusion.

Harry leaned on one end of the table looking into the cauldron as Severus stirred.

"Wolfsbane.", Snape stated. "I haven't gotten as far as teaching you this one."

Harry looked at the many empty bottles and jars on the table and then back to the cauldron with new appreciation.

"It looks far beyond my level of understanding and skill.", he admitted.

"Yes. It is quite – complicated."

A few minutes passed in which Severus seemed engrossed in work. This gave Harry time to rethink the concept of him sitting under a tree and reading a book. Was it perhaps the fact that the last time Severus had done it, he was still at school? Was it means to distance himself from the reality just as making a potion as complicated as Wolfsbane was sure to be?

"What are you doing here, Potter?"

Harry swallowed with some difficulty. Surely, if his presence bothered Snape, he'd have tossed him out the minute he entered.

"I saw you and thought I might be able to help. Is my presence a hindrance to your work?"

Snape snorted rather humorlessly.

"You can certainly help if this is what you want. Come here and stir while I prepare this one here."

As Harry reached to take the ladle, his heart skipped a beat at the momentary touch of the man's hand. He cleared his throat and immediately checked to make sure his hand wasn't trembling.

"Any particular pattern I should follow?"

"Just continue stirring clockwise if you please."

Harry's head snapped in his direction, though his hand started traveling clockwise. He got the distinct feeling this was Snape's way of apologizing but for the life of him, he didn't know why.

"I rather miss the detentions with you, sir.", he tried.

Snape snorted again, this time though he seemed amused too.

"I don't doubt it, since I overindulged you."

Harry chuckled quietly. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't had one genuine detention with him.

"I suppose you did. But these were the times when I actually learned something, never in class."

"Why yes, Potter, since you've always required special attention and you couldn't get it by being one of the many students in the classroom."

The silky tones didn't blunt the edge of the truth in this statement, nor the dull pang which hit Harry so suddenly, he almost dropped the ladle.

"If I was so spoilt – why did you indulge me, sir?"

Snape looked at him with an annoyed expression.

"I never said you were spoilt, Potter. And if you stop stirring, I'll add you next."

Half an hour later found Harry leaning on the table and silently watching Severus decreasing the flame under the cauldron.

"What are you staring at, Potter?"

"It's like meditation – watching you brew, I mean. I can only imagine it calms you too."

Snape huffed, not even looking in his direction, watching instead the contents of the potion and inhaling deeply.

"What is your agenda these days, Potter?"

Harry lifted his eyebrows then frowned.

"I don't have an agenda."

"Rubbish, Potter, you always have an agenda especially when it concerns accosting me – much to my annoyance."

"I annoy you then?"

"You're avoiding the question 'then'.", Severus replied finally looking at him.

"I am, but I can offer you something else you might find interesting, sir.", he said softly.

Severus eyed him suspiciously.

"Well?"

"I've recently acquired rather interesting book of yours, professor." the DADA professor looked dumbfounded. "'The Half-Blood Prince'?"

Snape glared at him.

"And how exactly did it come to be one of your possessions?"

"Slughorn handed it to me, since I didn't have a book."

Severus looked like he was trying to reach a decision on something.

"You weren't intending to attend Potions classes this year, Potter?"

Harry narrowed his eyes sighing internally. Of course this was where a small talk with Severus would always lead – to him spilling out his guts.

"No, I didn't intend on going to a NEWT's class this year. Slughorn made it hard not to, though. Now I may actually have to become an auror."

"You no longer wish to?"

"I don't much fancy the mortality rate of the job.", he admitted.

"A brave Gryffindor if I've ever seen one!", Snape smirked.

"Would you have liked it better were I in Slytherin instead?"

Severus chuckled and Harry tried not to stare too openly. His laugh, however, was short-lived.

"Why would you want to give up potions, Potter? It was one of your better subjects."

"Ah, don't you get tired of acting interested in my boring, mediocre mind? I had my reasons, which are stupid, I assure you."

"Go away then.", Snape snapped suddenly and Harry was taken aback at the sudden change of tone.

"What?"

"You heard me. Go away."

Harry looked uncertain for a moment looking at his professor but couldn't make himself go even if it was the sensible thing to do. Why go the easy way though?

"Why would I want to attend Potions when you're no longer teaching it?"

Snape stared at him transfixed.

"Is it really such a bizarre thing to say? I know you're skilled in it. I had an idea it would turn out to be the way it is with Slughorn. I'm actually lucky I got my hands on your old school book because this year it is my best teacher in the subject." Harry gathered himself up on trembling legs and stepped away from the table with the now cold potion. "Have a good day, sir."

In the next week Harry monitored Snape's day regularly from the Marauder's map, though never got to actually confront him on one of his many walks through the corridors. It passed his mind that he never saw the professor actually sleep. He was there reading in the mornings when Harry woke up and prowling away in the evenings before he went to sleep. And as Harry was currently getting less than six hours of sleep a day, he couldn't begin to imagine how tired Severus must feel.

It wasn't until Sunday that Harry decided enough time had passed to try anew.

"What are you standing here for, Potter?", he asked slowly not bothering to put away his reading.

"I saw you sitting here again and thought I should come and annoy you a bit."

"Mission accomplished.", Severus drawled turning the next page.

"It's going to get cold soon.", Harry stated as if he hadn't heard the last sentence and pushed a small bottle in front of Snape. "It's enhanced and tested."

The DADA professor eyed it and turned back to his book.

"Good for you."

"Why are you always being so stubborn?", he said exasperated. "You look exhausted."

"I don't want it, Potter, now be a good boy and leave me alone.", Severus replied coldly. As Harry didn't move however, he turned his head to glare at him. "I can't deal with you right now, Potter, go away."

Harry dropped the bottle in his lap clenching his fists in frustration.

"I don't exist for your convenience, Snape. Just take the stupid potion and get your sleeping pattern in check. Otherwise don't expect to be left alone!"

Severus stared at him blankly and stood up, the potion falling in the grass.

"Just what gave you the idea you could speak to me in such manner, Potter?"

"Your newfound childishness did. Why do you insist to be by yourself when it's obvious you get more and more anxious with every passing day? If my company is not suitable then fine, I don't care. But let somebody actually help you!"

"I AM FINE POTTER!", he yelled and luckily there was no one to hear him.

"YES I CAN SEE THAT!", Harry leveled out.

"Damn you, Potter, why can't you just go away?" Severus hissed.

"Because I'm foolish enough to care."

The professor covered his face with a hand closing his eyes and breathing in.

"Fine.", he muttered a moment later and retrieved the bottle.

Harry nodded and left.

On the next day in DADA class Snape looked a bit better, though he was far from his normal self. He actually looked a bit like he did last year – absentminded, thoughtful and totally distracted but not so much tired anymore.

Before Harry went out after the class ended, Snape caught up with him.

"A word, Potter."

He nodded and waited for the others to disappear behind the door.

"I didn't mean to shout at you – yesterday."

Harry blinked, surprised at this new development.

"Yeah, well, I annoyed the hell out of you, it was only natural.", he smiled.

Severus took out an empty phial and pushed it forward on the wooden desktop.

"It's custom-made, isn't it?"

"Yes, I tinkered it a bit to personalize it. ", Harry admitted, suddenly very interested in his shoes.

"You should think about getting a mastery in Potions.", Snape ground out and it sounded much like an insult.

"You alright, sir?" The professor glared at him so Harry backtracked. "I'll be late for my next class."

"Interested in a swap?"

If Harry hadn't lifted his head and saw him, he wouldn't have believed that Severus Snape had said that.

Harry had come to this bench on Saturday due more to his already formed pattern than to the continued desire to monitor the professor's behavior but he hadn't expected an encounter as he was determined to keep to his word and heave him be for now.

He lifted his book so Severus could read the cover. It was his advanced healing charms study book.

"If you're interested, I don't mind."

He handed Snape his text, taking in turn his. The older man got the book and retired to his usual spot under the tree. Harry looked at the book and frowned.

A few hours have passed before Harry gave up on reading as the sunlight got dim so he went down the hill.

Snape had been reading an old muggle philosophical book on the metaphysics of afterlife which sent Harry on bizarre planes of thought.

He sat beside him and leaned his head back on the tree.

"I wish I could help – in any way possible." He said softly after a moment.

Snape snorted, his face hidden by his hair.

"You've already done enough."

"Have I?", Harry asked thoughtful. "I don't see how it mattered. I feel like a pawn, tossed left and right by some unknowable fate."

"Pawns can become queens, Potter, while knights can only do so much."

"Knights can't change colors though. You're not even on the board.", Harry smiled.

"No. I've never been on the board.

"What you're doing…I couldn't in a million lifetimes manage to comprehend, much less emulate."

"And you shouldn't."

"Nobody should." Harry uttered turning his gaze down to the lake. "Our victory will come, I believe it in my bones, but it will come at a great cost. You know, I've been thinking, so far we have been playing at war, like small children play house. And I feel that the time when this changes, becomes real – full blown, is looming like a shadow more and more every single day. Inevitable and ugly."

Severus sighed, staying silent for a moment beside Harry.

"It has been real enough."

"Yes but," Harry turned to look at him earnestly "We have this." He waved his hand to indicate the surroundings. "This rock solid home away from home. We have each other as a community. We will be uprooted when it gets real. Every single one of us."

"Have you shared these thoughts with Dumbledore?"

"No, I couldn't do that. I share them with you."

"Not wise, Potter. I wouldn't rely on one such as myself to provide reassurance."

Harry sighed deeply.

"What does that even mean? Such as yourself? I admire you and I trust you with my life. I don't expect reassurance. I don't expect anything from you. You have done too much already. I simply don't wish to burden others with my cynicism."

"And yet you choose to 'burden' me."

"Your soul is stained." Said Harry and he saw immediately that Severus was taken aback by the word. "And so is mine. I hoped you'd understand what I meant better than others."

"You are too young to speak such things. You haven't done anything impure, misguided as you might be."

Harry smiled sadly.

"Please do not presume to know."

"I know you're hiding something. Knowledge, power, I'm not blind, Potter. But your actions have always been honorable." Harry shook his head minutely. "What you're hiding." Said Severus in realization.

"What I'm hiding.", Harry consented turning his gaze far away once more. "I wish I could share it with you. Lest to say, I'm more like you than you imagine in one very crucial and ugly aspect.", he said, thinking of how they both held true allegiance to one person alone. And even if he'd never lifted a hand to kill another person, unlike Severus, he'd caused too many deaths by inaction.

"Why?", Snape said suddenly angry, grabbing the front of his ropes and propelling him up. "Why are you saying this to me of all people? Why do you care for me at all? Answer me, Potter, what is this game you're playing?"

Harry didn't shirk the touch as Severus shook him by the shoulder, borderline painful as it was.

"You matter to me, Severus", He felt the involuntary squeeze on his shoulder at the use of his name. "I've told you before, I wouldn't be here now in this place, in this situation, if it wasn't for you. Both your mistakes and your protection have marred my life to make it what it is now. I'm not playing games with you. I wouldn't judge you for what you have done, or for whatever you choose to do."

Harry clapped the hand on his shoulder once gently and let it drop from him, already missing the touch. They have rarely been this close before and they probably wouldn't again, he knew.

He felt out of place in the still silence that fell over them.

"I will come to betray it – this trust of yours. You will regret it. Sooner or later." Snape spat.

"You're wrong. It is not a choice I made somewhere along the way. You have it. You will not betray it. You can't, it's unconditional."

"Nothing is unconditional."

"Nothing you've known perhaps. You will come to test it. As if you haven't tested it before. I know you can hurt me. It doesn't change anything."

Harry could feel Snape's uneasiness and wished he had the right words to lighten the atmosphere.

"I know you don't understand. You don't have to. I simply wanted you to see that I will be on your side. Always."

"You will change your mind." He said, dismissive.

"Believe what you wish. I don't have different words to tell you this. It's too hard to trust me, I'm too young to know better. You've known me long enough. Think if you don't allow yourself to admit that you've already felt it."

"Why is it so important to you?"

Harry looked at him pained expression showing plainly on his face.

"It's for you. You and me, we've had no life, no family, no love. Our days pass with purpose, goals far bigger than us. Not I, not anybody can understand what you're going through. So, even if you hate me, even if you can't stand my presence, I want you to know that though it may not be the right person, somebody can always be trusted to be on your side. I want you to have this certainty, even if you don't want it."

Snape's unmoving gaze made Harry feel pinned like a specimen, the tension thick and palpable in the ensuing silence. Finally, the man nodded stiffly and moved away so briskly that it looked like he had escaped more so than left.

Harry let the unease fill him as he sank down and into himself next to the tree.

He had said too much. He wouldn't blame Snape if the man was disgusted by him.

Dignity had never been a part of their interaction and Harry felt he had no pride left to shed.

Soon it became apparent that as could be expected, Snape grew more and more distant, practically avoiding Harry altogether. It made him feel completely exposed and promptly rejected but Harry was dead set on giving Severus his space respectfully. He wouldn't know what to do with himself in his place either. It still hurt that he could not provide him with any form of support, that he didn't even have the power to make him smile. Somewhere in a corner of his mind he wished there could be another person, more suitable for Severus, one which the professor would allow in his intense intimacy.

It didn't help that Harry was almost constantly dizzy with thoughts of the Potions Master. In the brief span of a few minutes he had experienced so much he had never expected to even glimpse from a distance with Severus's cold demeanor. He could now cast back to the firm hand on his shoulder, could feel the touch of the skin under his palm, could revisit their only intimate conversation where he was not merely a pupil but a person.

It was too addictive and too impossible.

It wasn't until the start of December that he encountered the DADA professor outside of the classroom. It was on one of the now many nights in which Harry had decided it would be much more productive to study than try feigning sleep and took his cloak and texts to an unused classroom on the seventh floor. This night, however, he could spent only a couple of hours there reading undisturbed.

"What's the meaning of this, Potter?", came the silky familiar voice filling up the air and reverberating from the very walls.

Startled, Harry dropped his book and turned around.

"I'm reading – sir.", he managed though quite sure by the tone of voice that no words would get him out of punishment's way.

"Prowling the castle after curfew is strictly forbidden, come with me."

The younger man gathered his things and exited the room quickly.

Harry had pretty much forgotten what it felt like to have Severus' attention on him. This man had a way of intimidating which seemed to seep naturally. He didn't dare looking up to read Snape's expression, nor object to the sudden interruption of his late night studies. Still, he couldn't withstand the dead silence of the empty castle.

"Where are you taking me now?"

"Try not adding any more negative points to yourself and your house with insolent questions, Potter.", was all Snape chose to say, though their destination became quite clear once taking a turn to the staircase.

Harry was admittedly perplexed by this shift in attitude. Sure, the avoidance he could understand clearly. But really, he had went and poured out his innermost thoughts to Snape and he could not believe that all this did was provoke coldness and distant disdain.

"Aren't you going to tell me at least how many points I have lost?", Harry breathed out just loud enough for Snape to hear him.

"Let's keep it a surprise shall we," Severus answered in silky tones. "It suffices to say you will be spending the next week's evenings in the company of Filch."

"Still avoiding me, I see.", he huffed despite himself, knowing how spiteful it must sound.

"I'd suggest you try to swallow this cheek of yours, Potter, and stop breaking the rules to fulfill your own selfish desires. Now get inside and stay there. I have better things to do than escorting you back."

Harry narrowed his eyes his nostrils flaring in the effort not to show his anger verbally. He entered the common room instead as soon as Severus had finished his little berating and slouched in the nearest chair taking a deep breath. What had he really expected from this man? He could trust no one and yet somewhere deep inside Harry had hoped that he might be an exception. Maybe when Snape couldn't fathom the reason for Harry's behavior, the professor has decided that he was trying to manipulate him. Or maybe he thought him so pathetic that he wanted to snip this sliver of closeness in the bud. Let him down brutally. It seemed like a Snape thing to do.

Harry pondered their interaction for far too long until he reached the conclusion that he had made an irreversible detour from his plan.

It seemed now as though they were back on square one, then perhaps Harry had done even worse since Snape didn't seem to hate him now so much as despise him.

He was nevertheless set on trying again and pulling through to his goal. He had to remind himself sternly that his goal was not to have a warm relationship with Severus, but to prevent his death and thus give him the opportunity of an agenda free life. It was reward enough to know that the man could still get what he deserved, no matter the form his happiness would take.

Next week Harry didn't see much of Severus except in classes but he saw rather too much of Argus Filch to balance things out. As he hadn't had quite that many detentions with him for this timeline, he didn't mind being subjected to disgusting manual labor for seven evenings only.

As Harry did his best to ignore Snape ignoring him, the next time they actually spoke to each other was on Slughorn's Christmas party.

"But I don't think I've ever known such a natural at Potions!" said Slughorn, regarding Harry with a fond, if bloodshot, eye. "Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I've only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that, Sybill — why even Severus —"

Slughorn threw out an arm and seemed to scoop Snape out of thin air toward them.

"Stop skulking and come and join us, Severus!" hiccupped Slughorn happily. "I was just talking about Harry's exceptional potion-making! Some credit must go to you, of course, you taught him for five years!"

Harry glanced briefly towards Severus and then around, obvious in his attempt to find an escape. He knew what was about to happen, knew this conversation wasn't meant to be a long one and yet being this close to the DADA professor after so much effort put in avoiding him made Harry feel much like prey.

Trapped, with Slughorn's arm around his shoulders, Snape looked down his hooked nose at Harry, his black eyes narrowedyet said nothing to encourage Slughorn's banter.

"You should have seen what he gave me, first lesson, Draught of Living Death — never had a –student produce finer on a first attempt, I don't think even you, Severus —"

"Really?" said Snape quietly, his eyes still boring into Harry, who felt a certain disquiet.He avoided the black eyes in favor of Slughorn.

"Remind me what other subjects you're taking, Harry?" asked Slughorn.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Transfiguration, Herbology…"

"All the subjects required, in short, for an Auror," said Snape with the faintest sneer.

"And incidentally, a mediwizard." Harry replied just loud enough for the words to reach Severus whose face didn't betray any hint of surprise.

Next Draco was dragged in by Filch, and when Severus exited with him bare moments later, Harry followed. He didn't need to listen to the door, he already knew everything that was being said. The insolent fool was insisting on proving himself. Meanwhile, Harry imagined, Dumbledore insisted on not being forced to die before it was necessary.

After Draco had stormed by him, n ot even thinking about letting it pass, Harry entered the classroom, taking his cloak off. He didn't wait to be noticed or shouted at for that matter. He was by now sick and tired of these games.

"Really, professor, this was unusually stupid of you.", he stated inclining his back to the door and blocking the way out. Even as he did so, he realized he was mirroring the conversation he had just listened to.

Snape scowled at him baring his teeth.

"How much did you hear, Potter?", he hissed in a low voice.

Harry crossed his arms and legs calmly.

"Enough. And so could have any passer-by."

"If you dare –"

"You'll do what exactly…sir? Report me to someone, give me detention – what? Or should I be readying myself for an unforgivable curse right now?" Snape paled and backed away a step almost it seemed involuntarily. Harry sighed and narrowed his eyes despite himself. "This is simply - idiotic.", he stated and turned to leave but he made it only so far before Seveus grabbed him and turned him around.

"Potter, what you think you –"

"Spare me the small talk, will you? You're the idiot here, not I.", he replied trying his best to get away and failing to move at all.

"You will keep this to yourself then?"

"Are you afraid?", Harry muttered, managing to smirk while still stubbornly trying to move, which only made Snape's grasp of him tighter. "Do you imagine I'd like seeing you dead? Let go of me."

He was too close and it was too much. He could feel Snape's breath on his eyelids and cheeks and knew he wouldn't be able to endure eye contact for much longer as it was. This man had too much influence on his emotions. He had to get away before Snape noticed.

"Who's afraid now, Potter?", Snape sneered seemingly delighted of the opportunity to mortify Harry.

"Afraid? That you're going to glare me dead?" Harry spat with some difficulty."I'm sick and tired of acting decent only to get threatened and shouted at in the end, you know. You can't make the simple distinction between enemies and allies and I am quite frankly disgusted by this. What do I have to do for you to get it at last? I am on your damn side! Why though, I no longer have an idea. Can you imagine how much easier it would have been for me to simply decide to hate you and use every opportunity to try exposing you as the git you are? But no, I get hissed, shouted at, or insulted; I get jars thrown my way, get threatened and pushed to a corner here and there – I obviously crave this!" Snape's expression was stony as he stared at him. "For the last time, get off of me you ungrateful jerk!"

This time, when he tried, Harry discovered he could actually move and in pushing Snape out of his way, he finally managed to get out.

Once outside, Harry dropped to his knees panting and trying to calm down. He was still in this position when Severus chose to emerge. It was making him sick, all of this. Snape, the timeline, his task and his feelings most of all. Yet he couldn't bring himself to wish truthfully to be back where he started with Severus dead and him – lost in the nightmares.

"Are you alright?", Severus asked softly and Harry huffed.

"You are the most irksome man I have ever met… What was your question?"

Severus snorted and leaned down to gather his arms in a strong grip.

"It would seem you overexerted yourself.", he said and lifted him up.

"Nah, I'm just tired of this.", Harry replied smiling infinitesimally.

"Put your cloak on and follow me."

Begrudgingly, Harry did as he was told.

As soon as they started descending the stairs below the ground level, Harry gathered they were going to Snape's office. Once they passed said office though, no consequent guess came along.

Severus walked swiftly through several shortcuts so Harry had to run to catch up before they closed. Finally, the DADA professor stopped before a tapestry of a snake he'd never seen before. Snape whispered the password and the snake sprang to life, swinging the hidden door open. Harry entered and looked around in the semi-darkness, while Severus, preceding him, ventured forward to the end of the corridor and through the door. Soon the darkness receded and Harry could see further ahead enough to notice the other door. Snape had obviously lit the fire in the other room but there was no other light in the room. He stepped forward cautiously and once at the threshold, looked around. It was a small living room with two burgundy armchairs and a small table in the middle while up along the bare stone a long set of shelves filled with books slithered from one wall to the other, leaving open space enough for the only two doors the room had – the one Harry was resting a hand on, and what could only be a bedroom. Snape gestured him to one of the armchairs.

Suddenly nervous, he sat down, watching his professor do the same.

"Anything to drink?", Severus asked, seeming quite at ease.

Harry wasn't surprised. Just as in the classroom and his office, here again Snape looked to be in a natural habitat. Darkness was as much a part of the surroundings as it was of the man in front of him. Whether he could name this particular gloom poetic or instead depressing was a matter of a whole new line of thoughts.

"Water's fine.", Harry answered and it was met with a snort. It seemed almost uncanny the way he provoked their emergence so frequently. Almost as if the professor was making fun of him.

"How old are you now, Potter?", yes definitely mocking him.

"I'm – supposed to be sixteen.", another snort. If he only knew the truth to this statement, he wouldn't be having so much fun, Harry thought scathingly.

"Let us say, for the purposes of tonight's aftermath, that you are seventeen, shall we?"

Snape tapped at the table with the tip of his wand and two identical glasses appeared. The professor inclined his head before drinking but as Harry lifted his glass, he felt strange. Rather like he was having a very mild gut feeling of the sort he'd come to associate with fate. He put the glass back down and looked up at the man.

"What is it?"

"What is what?", Snape asked calmly.

"Is it Veritaserum?"

They regarded at each other for a long moment before Severus waved a hand and their glasses disappeared only to be replaced with new ones. Harry stared at the table confused.

"I can only imagine your frequent visitors are delighted by the warm welcome.", he ventured with a small sneer on his mouth.

"It is not – a common occurrence." Snape said through gritted teeth.

"I should certainly hope so."

"Nevertheless, you recognized it. How when I myself couldn't?"

"Why should I tell you?", Harry retorted at once. "So you can be more successful next time?"

"Don't be daft –"

Harry sipped his drink this time and this turned out to be a mistake of sorts because the alcohol served to almost immediately sweep him back to times of the past. It was not a question of merely one or two evenings sitting alone on the couch in his apartment, drinking and trying his best to discourage any rational thought stubborn enough to try to surface. It wasn't a good memory and still he felt nostalgic now, enough to stop listening to Severus.

"What did you say?", Harry blinked fast leaving the glass back on the table.

"Would you care to elaborate, Potter? It would seem you are developing a habit of spacing out when you need to pay attention. Is it brain damage?"

Harry scowled indignantly.

"No. It is not brain damage and I already told you enough. It's not something I have control over, thank you very much."

"Then develop control over it. I'm loath to imagine you in close range with the Dark Lord with this tendency of yours."

Harry laughed taking his glass again.

"The Dark Lord has his ways of keeping my attention, I am sure."

"As does – Miss Weasley no doubt."

Harry choked in the middle of drinking but somehow managed to keep his drink inside the glass.

"You have a vivid imagination."

"If you admire it that much, you could supply it."

Harry cleared his throat smiling up at Snape.

"Is this really what you want to talk about?"

"I admit that I am…intrigued."

"That may be as well, still I wouldn't want to be held responsible for another phase of insomnia. The concoction is rather tricky to make and Slughorn doesn't like me this much."

"Nothing short of you professing your undying love for Minerva McGonagall can take me off balance.", Snape stated but Harry was far from taking the bait.

"It is way beyond even an imagination as vivid as yours.", he teased unashamedly. "I could tell you of course, but I'll have to Obliviate you for your own good afterwards."

"We shall see."

"No we won't. I told you plainly already, and you should know this yourself. I cannot allow myself such indulgent thoughts right now. Contrary to what you may think, I'm not entirely self-centered."

"To be infatuated does not purport being self-absorbed."

"Yes well, I'm not infatuated.", Harry replied quietly.

"Ah, just a passing fancy, then."

Harry smiled sadly, put his glass down and leaned in to look at Snape.

"Every passing moment is a thought of that one person, and every thought is pure sweet agony. Every touch we have shared, every word, every glance are burnt inside my mind. Awake or dreaming, I yearn to be able to reach, to hold, caress, protect…even just a fleeting touch if it may be welcome, would be enough. So no, I'm not infatuated.", he finished bitterly.

Severus stood up smoothly and exited the room. A moment later he returned, a pack of cigarettes in his hands. He made no offer but extracted one and slowly inhaled lighting it up.

I never knew you smoked, Harry thought. There's so much I don't know about you, still so much to find out. He wanted to study this man meticulously, every little detail would serve to fascinate, he was sure. Were he given the chance, he'd gladly spend his whole life at the task.

"All the more reason to pursue it." Severus inhaled once more, eyes closed, returning Harry to the subject at hand.

Potter shook his head minutely.

"To what end? Self-destruction? Or worse? I think not. It is one-sided. Completely out of reach."

"Have you broached the subject at all?"

Harry laughed and sipped from his glass.

"I have not. Some things you just know." Severus opened his mouth but Harry interrupted. "And even if it was reciprocated – what would happen once the war starts in earnest? I would have to go, you realize, leave. I wouldn't, maybe even couldn't be able to do this. I told you – we are the same – men with no life but with clear all consuming duty. One must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives." He sighed and sipped more. "You've avoided me for weeks. Why?"

Snape reclined in his chair clearly uncomfortable with the abrupt change of subject.

"No, I apologize", Harry continued briskly. "You don't need to explain. You don't trust easily. Or if we're to be honest, not at all. You've seen I care for you, so you have confirmed for yourself that it's true. But you still can't analyze it to your satisfaction. You can't pick apart my motive, my agenda as you say. And you hate to be vulnerable – understandable really, given your history. So you keep me at a distance." Harry sipped from his drink and continued. "That's one possibility. The other is not so pretty because in it you know I care about you, but you wish I would not, that I'd just go away and stop annoying you with my presence. So which is it?"

Snape chose this moment to stand up and go to the other side of the room in order to pour more whiskey into his glass shrouded in the darkness of the dimly lit room.

"You have it all figured out, don't you Potter. I am either a poor lonely sucker or a monster that doesn't appreciate others who only want to help. It's very neat, I'll admit."

"That is not what I said at all –"

"You are full of it. Oh, you believe yourself, I'm sure but trust me, when push comes to shove you'll make a u-turn faster than I can blink." Snape spat. "I am nobody to you. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise."

"Yes, Severus, like all the u-turns I have already done." It was Harry's turn to spit.

"I haven't given you any reason!"

Harry laughed.

"You know I wish you were a bit younger – so that for once we could actually speak eye-to-eye."

"What?" Snape turned incredulous.

"You're being condescending. I'll explain if you sit down." He patiently waited until Severus conceded and returned to the table. "Let me tell you a story and see if it rings a bell. There once was a young boy who was a wizard. A half-blood, like me. His father was a muggle and his mother a witch. His mother fell in love in his father in spite of the disapproval of her pureblood family but when she got pregnant, they couldn't do much. But not all was well. Maybe he felt less of a man, he might have felt threatened, or maybe he was even suspicious that she tricked him into marriage. So the man drank his troubles away while the woman raised her boy to her family standards, even though she could no longer go back to them, even though they were deep in poverty, she raised him as a pureblood would." Severus was uncharacteristically quiet so Harry plowed on not daring to look at him, "Then the boy met a girl – another magical child just like him – his first…friend. She was his only sunny moment until finally his dream of escaping his home came true and he went to Hogwarts. The two worlds then collided for the boy. He was taught a certain way, certain things were important. But those same standards didn't hold against his first and best friend. So they grew apart. Gradually at first, then rapidly, until he was faced with the fact that he had lost her forever. Two different worlds. He felt jealous, persecuted, bullied – once even his life was at risk. The only thing that made sense was a pureblood supremacy gang that seemed not only to accept him but also to appreciate the talents which have thus far been frowned upon by others. It was a first family for the boy. But it was a lie, wasn't it? The boy ended up doing unspeakable things he'd come to condemn, but not until he did the ultimate betrayal to himself – he sent word about a prophecy-" the sound of shattered glass made Harry stop speaking and look at Snape."Are you okay –sir?"

Severus was staring unseeing and unmoving the glass having slipped through his fingers throughout Harry's story.

"How…"

"Sybil Trellawney. In third year." He said softly.

"And you knew? All this time you have known?"

Harry knew he had gone too far when he saw Severus' hand shaking.

"I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Upset? I'm not upset, I'm just – surprised."

"I've known it all along but it doesn't matter. It has never mattered."

"How could it not matter, Potter, are you a complete imbecile?"

"Nothing you have done or decide to do could change my opinion of you. Nor my admiration. You knew it was a mistake. But you, delivering the prophecy to the Dark Lord is what has defined me as a person even before I could walk. And it is certainly one of the best things that have happened to the wizarding world. Without it, he may never have fallen. And this made you realize what you'd become. So, in retrospect, it was a good thing."

Snape laughed humorlessly.

"You have made some very pretty excuses for me. I was a selfish child. Even when I came to Dumbledore I begged him to save Lilly. Not you, not your father – my only thought was for her. I've begged the Dark Lord to spare her as well."

"Yes, Severus, and while anyone else might have been there to overhear it and share it, only you could have made what happened possible. If the Dark Lord had killed my mother instantly, she would never have been able to cast her protection to me. And yes, you were selfish; you were a child who felt wronged and unappreciated by the whole world. You did slip a vast amount down the abyss that is Voldemort, but Severus, you have been paying for these mistakes for too long. I cannot judge that person because they don't exist anymore. And this person that you are now, the one I have seen so many times bear the responsibility of the ugliest tasks, the one who felt responsible for protecting me even though to him I must have seemed a miniature version of the person he hated the most, I trust this person implicitly."

"I will disappoint you, Potter."

Harry shook his head.

"In five years you've saved my life five times, do you realize that? And inevitably, before the year is over, you will do so for a sixth."

"I would appreciate it if you didn't try to die as often as this."

Harry laughed openly, relieved of the side-track.

"Yes, well, me too if it counts. But thank you, nevertheless. You ask me of my agenda. I just wish, when this is all over, to see you free and happy. I do owe you much more than that."

"And when you see this new person you're talking about do unspeakable things? What if my choices pull me to the other side again?"

Harry sighed. Even though he knew this was never going to happen, Severus seemed to need to hear something more so he chose his words carefully.

"A person who has buried the love of his life and then proceeded to bury his heart and soul with her, who has lived by her will for almost two decades even though she has never been his to love and protect, is worth forgiving every time in my book. To me, you are a formidable man driven by pain, whom I wouldn't want to meet in a battle, so if the light side betrays you to the extent that you'd feel the need to switch back to a murderous lunatic, they'd be utter fools and it would be their loss. I am on your side, whichever side you deem worthy to choose."

"You put way too much trust in me, you foolish boy." Severus said shakily. Harry was startled to see him so disconcerted but then again, he has never been good with words and explanations.

"My trust in you should never be a burden, please don't take it like this."

"Your mother…I used to think that I loved her more than anything. I don't know that I have. I was selfish, I was self-obsessed and self-important. I could have chosen her but I chose the Dark Lord instead."

"If not love, then what was it?"

"Affection, deep connection, obsession on my part. I'm not certain. I wanted to have her for myself much more than I wanted her happy."

"Perhaps you have come to know the difference in time."

"Yes." Snape confirmed and Harry felt a bittersweet pang thunder inside him. "Regardless, it had been a stronger bond than any other I've had."

"I do wish that this changes for you. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated."

"I don't know that it will. Perhaps not in this lifetime."

"You'll get through. And I'll be right by your side, annoying you and trying to help." Harry smiled.

"Silly child…" Snape smiled in return. "I trust that you would but it may not be enough."

Severus sounded so profoundly saddened that Harry felt his throat constrict in sympathy.

"I know. My worst fear is that I'll be unable to protect those whom I love."

Snape seemed startled from his reverie. He reclined in the armchair and once again lifted his drink to his mouth.

"And how about the person you're in love with? Who will protect her if you're away?"

Harry glanced briefly at him and then back to his glass.

"He is very strong and capable. I'm sure that with a little help at the right time, everything will be okay."

Harry could feel Severus' gaze rest on him for what felt like an eternity.

"I apologize, I shouldn't have presumed.", he spoke softly at last.

"It's alright. It came as a surprise for me as well." He half-smiled.

"I understand why you don't want to speak about it."

"I don't dare say a word about how I feel, lest he realizes. I'm pathetic."

Harry covered his face with his hands and rubbed to erase any trace of moisture left.

"Not pathetic, no. You are by far wiser than I was at your age."

"With all due respect, that doesn't really say much." Harry joked and he was pleased to see a chuckle escape Severus.

"You should go back, it's past midnight."

Harry stood up along with him, tired and compliant to the reasonable pointer.

"What you saw tonight –"

"Don't worry, I know what I saw and heard. I won't tell a soul."

"Thank you."

Severus escorted him to the tower in silence. No doubt they had said so much that evening that there were no words left to share, Harry thought.

Once inside the common room he felt restless. Without meaning to, he replayed the whole evening over and over in his head. Had he shared too much? Would Severus know, would he guess? Oh Merlin, it was true he'd shed his dignity completely already, and still the thought that he might see rejection and pity in those black eyes mortified him. He had been honest when he'd said he only wanted him happy, finding someone, sharing a life. Harry had long passed accepting his desire as irrelevant and impossible. This was not about him but only about this hateful, beautiful man, this intricate creature wronged by himself and random circumstances. And even so, if he were allowed to share just one intimate glimpse just one amiable touch with this man, he'd turn heaven and earth. Must his heart's desire be so utterly selfish even in its generosity, he mused. He closed his eyes and felt a pang remembering vividly the feel of warm skin on his palm. He is air and salt and sustenance. He is the blood in my veins and the muscle pumping it. A limb that I'm missing and only now realizing I need it to function. God I miss him already, I need him to breathe.

Just like that, their last conversation seemed to hold no impact. In the next two months nothing of real significance happened at all. Of course there was the regular deal of Ron and Hermione not speaking to each other, making Harry again vary between them, like the first time wasn't enough. Then there were the apparition lessons, the memory he received the task to procure and many talks about Malfoy. Not a hint of interesting news for Harry, which of course meant there was no new development with Severus. That's not to say they didn't talk to each other occasionally. But Snape rather like Slughorn seemed to again have decided it would be for the best to avoid Harry.

It was one evening late in February, one of the three Harry had chosen to stroll round in the grounds when he saw two familiar figures walking in the distance close to the Forbidden forest. As this was the instant he was actually waiting for, with Snape refusing to comply with Dumbledore's plan, Harry chose to move just close enough to monitor them and when he saw the professor turn to go back to the castle, he increased his pace to catch up.

Snape turned around at the slightest sound of footsteps and seeing Harry, he frowned.

"What are you –" he began in what was obviously an attempt to deduct points.

"You can't really back out now, can you?", Harry interrupted him calmly.

Snape stared at him for what seemed a century but could only have been a moment devoted to the futile effort of Legilimency.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Potter.", he said finally looking away. Harry thought for a moment of the absurd notion that Severus might be afraid he'd try the same in turn. Even if he could…but then it was possible he would.

"Perhaps I don't. But I know that by choosing this you effectively choose to die.", he ventured calculating in his mind what part of the whole picture was supposed to be available to him. Apparently Snape was sufficiently distracted for he didn't notice this conclusion should have been completely unfounded given Harry's data.

The professor fell silent again for a second this time not looking at Harry but instead directing his gaze to the Forbidden forest and the spot where he was only a couple of minutes ago. Harry too looked for any signs of Dumbledore approaching, even though he felt sure they wouldn't be interrupted.

"There are things worse than death.", said Severus finally, his voice almost a whisper, eyes wistful and distant. He seemed not to notice he was giving too much away for the usual effort to make his face blank again didn't follow.

"Yes. Like watching those you care about die in front of you.", replied Harry gazing at him. What wouldn't he give to see this face always expressing feelings in this natural sort of way and to see the spark blaze in the detached, cold and almost lifeless eyes.

"What –", Severus turned his head towards Harry in a slashing motion, narrowing his eyes almost to slits.

"I wouldn't be too fond of seeing you dead, sir.", he said simply tilting his head to the side for good measure of performance while thinking privately that he had to leave this conversation before he made Severus too angry.

But it was obvious Harry had thought of this too late, because the professor grew rigid after hearing the words, suspicion reeking of his stance and his searching eyes.

"What? You don't think I'm honest? Suit yourself, sir.", he said and hurried to the castle. There was something about the look Severus had given him that unnerved him. This hadn't happened for a very long time.

In the next couple of days Harry didn't have the chance to see more than a glimpse of Snape with everything going on with Ron being poisoned and consequently the need for his acting skills to improve. He had to admit he faked apprehension rather too poorly. Of course no one noticed this in the commotion but still Hermione had given him an odd look while Hagrid was telling them about what he had overheard a couple of nights ago between Severus and Dumbledore.

This aside, Harry used the lonely hours of the evening to rethink his conversation with Severus and reached the conclusion that an apology was due. After all he had behaved a bit arrogantly taking into account he was practically criticizing Snape's decisions on his own life. The fact that Harry knew Snape wouldn't really choose to forgo his life out of stubbornness had nothing to do with it. It was obvious the professor wasn't taking well his liabilities and the situation was getting even worse as time passed. True, he didn't wander sleeplessly round the corridors anymore, nor was he distracted during class, but something told Harry this was nothing more than bottling up his emotions and he could only wonder when Severus would finally explode.

On the next day right after lunch Harry went down to the dungeons seeing Snape was in his study alone and pacing. He knocked and heard a stiff "Enter."

Harry stepped awkwardly inside frowning a bit at his own nervousness. He had no reason to be anxious, after all he'd been here often enough and even more often apologizing to Severus.

"Excuse me, sir. I came to – well, apologize about what I said to you." Snape frowned and Harry hastened to continue before the imminent interruption. "I had no right to force my opinion on you the way I did. I hope you understand this. I just wanted to help…"

"You want to help me, Potter?", Severus yelled suddenly, his voice making Harry shudder with mixed feelings. "Then leave me alone!", he continued standing up, his hands squeezed tightly in fists, his expression deranged. "Stop coming here as if you have an invitation extended to your continual presence and inept attempts at conversation! And most of all, stop imagining your constant company is anything more than infernal annoyance on my part! I have – been tolerant with your stupidity because of the respect I feel for your mother's memory but it is enough. I can no longer put up with you. In fact, I would be glad to never have to see your face again."

Harry stared blankly ahead, not really seeing Severus at all, the words ringing in his ears. He felt petrified, not able to move a muscle even as a few tears decided to betray him and trickle down his sides. So this was how Snape truly felt – and at long last he had decided to come out and say it loud and clear so there would be no prolonged confusion. And how foolish Harry was to think, to hope, to continue with his efforts to be there, to help in any way he was capable of. How foolish it all seemed when he knew at last the only thing he could do to help Severus was to stop – annoying him. Snape had been tolerant, it was true. But it was also true he couldn't stand Harry. It was so obvious now… it hurt to realize how many mistakes he had made along with the wrong assumptions.

"As you don't seem to have any self respect left, I must ask you again. Leave. Now.", Severus said coldly.

It was the damn hardest day of his life afterwards. Disgusted though he was with this weakness, no matter how hard he tried to reason with his treacherous heart, it was futile. He felt as though he had fallen apart, shattered into pieces along with his entire world. It was irrational and on top of it, illogical, of course. It was not as though he had failed. He could still save Severus' life, he didn't need his permission to do this and he certainly didn't need Snape to like him. Still, the shredding of all hope proved to be too much to handle. Somewhere in his mind he was angry with Severus. Harry had, had he not, come eight years back in time for this man – a feat he couldn't be able to pull through without the need to save this man being his deepest heart's desire. It was ungrateful of Snape, Harry felt, to say such harsh words to him, even if he believed them to be true. But he didn't know Harry had come back, all he must have known were Harry's dubious words, and his plea to trust him. Why would Snape even consider the possibility Harry might be valuable in any way. Or that his life might one day depend on him. All Snape knew was that it was because of him it was all happening. And yes, it was because of Harry that Snape had to kill Dumbledore, his confidant, the only one who knew who Snape really was, what he had done, and how he felt. It was only because he had to keep his cover that he had to do it. And he had to keep his cover so he would be able to continue protecting Harry from within the enemy's ranks.

It was utter foolishness on Harry's part that he ever hoped Snape might stop hating him along the way if he was honest and insisted enough. Even James Potter didn't matter when it came to this.

Later the same day Harry was so fed up with his storming emotions, he went out in the grounds and started to run. With no destination planned and the only thought to escape from his heartbreak he continued to run until he fell onto the ground completely exhausted.

In the end he had decided again all of this didn't matter in the least. He had already given up one-third of his life to the cause, there was no turning back. He only hoped he could be the better man, could be good enough to strive for what was best for Snape and put his petty emotions aside. After all, if what he felt for Severus was genuine, wasn't it only natural to wish for him to be happy above all? He certainly wished for him to live, be it far from him. But the thought of saving him and never seeing him again was keeping the lump in his throat as sore as ever.

In the next few weeks Harry adopted a new attitude, the only one he could think of actually. Mainly, he avoided Snape and when he couldn't, he drew back to his old tendency of staring at innocent objects and pretending he wasn't there. Admittedly this was harder than before as Harry was used by now to talking with his professor. He missed Severus even if he mentally kicked himself every time he thought of this. His days were quite empty now as the only things that happened were old and quite trivial.

"Late again, Potter," said Snape coldly, as Harry hurried into the candlelit classroom. "Ten points from Gryfrindor."

Harry as it was usual these days, didn't show he even registered the words, but sat down next to Ron, extracted his book and essay and stared down at it.

"Before we start, I want your dementor essays," said Snape, waving his wand carelessly, so that twenty-five scrolls of parchment soared into the air and landed in a neat pile on his desk. "And I hope for your sakes they are better than the tripe I had to endure on resisting the Imperius Curse. Now, if you will all open your books to page — what is it, Mr. Finnigan?"

And sure enough mere moments after Seamus had asked his question, Harry felt a nudge, fate telling him to speak.

"I thought Snape and Mundungus were on the same side," muttered Harry to Ron and Hermione. "Shouldn't he be upset Mundungus has been arrest —"

"But Potter seems to have a lot to say on the subject," said Snape, pointing suddenly at the back of the room, his black eyes fixed on Harry. "Let us ask Potter how we would tell the difference between an Inferius and a ghost."

The whole class looked around at Harry,who closed his eyes sighing deeply. He wouldn't let Snape get to him, he couldn't give him a free pass to throw more nasty comments his way.

"The Inferius is a corpse that has been reanimated by a Dark wizard's spells.", Harry recited in flat tones word for word Snape's own explanation from a very long time ago. "It is not alive,", he droned. "it is merely used like a puppet to do the wizard's bidding. While a ghost is the imprint of a departed soul left upon the earth – and the Inferi are solid.", he couldn't stop himself adding.

Harry could see just on the edge of his visual span Hermione giving him an odd look and thought that if he remembered her character well enough, she was sure to confront him soon about whatever it was she found strange about him.

Sure enough at the first opportunity, Hermione accosted him.

"What's happened, Harry?", she asked, her eyes determined. Of course she wasn't one to back down once discerning there was something amiss. Still, it was odd for her to act any different from the original timeline. She hadn't said anything new since he'd come back.

"What? When?" , he tried though he had the feeling he couldn't fool her.

"It's something to do with professor Snape, hasn't it?"

Harry blinked facing her but proved unable to hold her gaze.

"Is it that obvious?", he frowned when she sighed.

"No. I don't think it's obvious, but I've been watching you two for long enough to know something isn't right. What did you do this time?"

"This time? What did I do? Hermione, please, I've done nothing at all! It's all just…", he trailed off unable to put his frustration into words.

"What happened?"

"Well, in short – he told me to stop pestering him. He said he'd put up with me for – Dumbledore's sake, but he wouldn't anymore."

Hermione gasped but seemed to force herself to restrain her responses when she saw the look on his face.

"What are you planning to do now?"

"I'll do as I'm told, isn't it obvious? I don't want to enrage him any further. It's obvious he can't stand me.." he broke off trying to clear his throat.

"You mustn't think like that, Harry. It – it doesn't look like he hates you. Of course you two have always played your parts well –", Hermione looked uncertain for a moment. "But I don't believe professor Snape could really hate you. It's more like…I don't know. I think there must have been some other reason for him to say this to you."

"Yeah, like what exactly?"

"I don't know…"

"You know, don't you?", he stared at her suddenly understanding the reason for the conversation in the first place.

"I just told you I don't."

"No. I mean you know why – I mean how – ah, help me here, please."

Hermione looked quite confused as to what Harry was talking about but finally she nodded.

"I had suspected it since last year."

"How? I –"

"Harry,", she almost chided. "you only ever have light in your eyes when you come back from the dungeons. I might have noticed it earlier and attributed it to respect or mentorship or anything innocent, but it was obvious what it was after you took no interest in Cho's blatant attempts to corner you or in any of the others' advances."

Harry sighed deeply, relaxed now that he had finally shared a bit of his weight with another living soul.

"I'm hopeless. I only want him to be happy you see. It's a beautiful irony that his happiness should lie in me being as far away as possible."

Before Harry could notice just how much time had passed, he found himself in the bathroom on the third floor with Malfoy drenched in his own blood and Snape muttering the counter curse that would seal the wounds.

Again Snape escorted the boy to the hospital wing and again he stood and waited, leaning against the wall and staring blankly at the reddened floor while wondering what Snape would do to him now.

It was as if a storm and not Snape have entered. Severus moved so fast, Harry only realized what had happened once he was pinned to the wall, the professor's body flush against his to prevent him to move at all.

"How dare you, Potter?", he hissed venomously. "What were you thinking? To kill him? To kill me?" he hissed glaring straight in his eyes with mere centimeters between them. It was as if Snape was trying to prove to him he didn't need Legilimency to shred his defenses and tear at him. Unnerving was too weak a word to describe Harry's horror. Even while terrified, he found himself relishing in the contact. How stupid it was that he could be this close to Severus only when he was so enraged he wished he could kill Harry with bare hands instead of magic. "Or were you imagining perhaps this foolish act of yours would change my mind? Are you threatening me, Potter, is that it?"

"N-no – please, step back –" Harry barely managed to say, trying to gather his thoughts and stop this madness.

"Why then?"

"I couldn't do anything else, alright?", Harry growled trying to get away even as somewhere deeper inside he didn't wish their conversation to end. "I had to defend myself, I didn't know what effect –"

"Don't lie to me, Potter!"

Harry struggled. Did Snape want to kill him for real?

"Stop harassing me this instant, sir!", he shouted. "This has nothing to do with you."

Snape let go of him and Harry almost fell as he did. He swayed a bit using the wall for support.

"I've kept out of your way to the best of my ability.", Harry hissed in turn. "But I can't just allow Malfoy to torture me with the Cruciatus so you wouldn't have to deal with me. I am terribly sorry if my existence is such a nuisance to you. Go to hell."

"That would be detention for you. Every Saturday till the end of term. ", Snape said calmly as if he hadn't heard a word of Harry's. "Ten o'clock Saturday morning, Potter. My office."

Just when Harry had thought he'd put his emotions under some semblance of control, this had to happen to shatter him once more. He felt he should have put more effort in readying himself for the confrontation as he knew too well it would come and in the meantime, he knew too what had happened the last time after his second detention with Snape this year. On this point, there were two different buzzing voices in his head. While one was saying he had no desire to experience it again, the other was wondering how if he should allow himself a second chance with Ginny. On one hand he felt he'd never had any chance of changing his life by coming back and was inclined to think it was his only chance to pick up the pieces and try rebuilding his future. Because if he went on like this, distancing himself from everyone that had been a part of his old life, nothing would be left to him but Severus. Severus, who wanted him to be as far away as possible. Maybe this was the instant he had to choose between a life of solitude and… But on the other hand could he be happy with Ginny anymore? She was likable as always, this at least was true. But Harry no longer had any desire to be with her in that way. And if he chose to repeat his path, wouldn't he wonder everyday what would have happened if he stayed alone? It was possible things could change. Maybe Harry would find someone new…maybe he didn't want to give up on Severus just yet no matter how impossible it had become.

His thoughts were still in disarray when he stepped in Snape's office at ten o'clock on Saturday.

Severus ignored his presence for a minute or two, which could only mean he'd come a bit early.

"Eager for a detention, Potter?", his voice sounded a bit hoarse like he'd been yelling for the past hour or so. "Let's get it over with. Through here." Snape gestured to his private lab and Harry frowned. He'd expected the same detention he'd been given eight years ago and scolded himself for believing his actions wouldn't weight.

Severus thrust a set of papers in Harry's hands and Harry scanned them incredulously seeing they formed a full schedule of his detention work, comprising various tasks, most of them harder than anything Harry'd ever done and all of them were concerned with potions.

"You are to mark each task when you are finished. You are not to leave before all tasks assigned for the day are done. Is that clear?"

"Yes.", Harry managed still engrossed in today's schedule.

It was only half an hour later when Harry realized this form of detention was much worse than the original. There was no way he'd finish till the end of the game. Was it all the same? That surely would serve to cut his options if he decided on keeping his old life. No. It was no longer an option at all even if he finished on time. No – well Harry didn't know what to think anymore.

It was half past one o'clock when Harry deemed his work done and finished clearing up. There on the table stood only the cauldron with the unfinished potion which was now about at one forth on the way to becoming ready. The worst thing was, if he wanted to finish this detention he'd have to come here for an extra hour for at least two weeks.

Before exiting, Harry skimmed through the other pages of his assignments. One third were antidotes, another third medicinal potions, and the last category comprised of some of the most difficult potions Harry'd ever heard of. What was Snape thinking, getting him to do this like he was studying for a freaking mastery in the subject? And how could he have left him alone to them? Sure, Harry understood Severus had no desire to be in one room with him for so long, but why this and not some other pointless work?

He exited the lab but as the professor didn't even look up to acknowledge him Harry too left without saying a word.

When he reached the Gryffindor common room the celebration had almost died out. They were as happy to see him and break the news as the first time, but to Harry it was all the same. Right in that moment he felt the impending doom of being alone for the rest of his life.

It was all he could do to pronounce how glad he was about winning the match and saying he had a headache.

Though this seemed good for everybody else, it didn't fool Hermione who caught up with him just when he'd climbed the staircase to the boys dormitory.

"Harry, wait!", she called and he sighed turning around.

"Please Hermione, can't it wait? I'm not in the mood right now."

"It's just about that actually. How did it go?"

Harry frowned totally confused.

"Like a detention is supposed to I think. I went there, did some nasty piece of crap for two hours and a half and here I am, fresh as pumpkin juice."

"Oh, well what did he make you do?"

"An antidote for Veritaserum –"

"Wow –"

"Adapted to the taker's standard parameters."

"That's strange."

Harry eyed her mockingly. She was too naïve to think it strange Snape would take the chance and harass him.

"What's strange about it is that he only insisted on regular parameters like height and weight. I'm sure he'd have enjoyed seeing me measuring myself according to volume properties."

Hermione looked too serious to have registered what he's just said. "If you're not going to listen, I'd prefer to go lie down now."

"Oh…yes, yes, you do that. I – I'll see you later."

Harry watched her run down the stairs and out of the common room without an idea about what have just happened. Maybe the antidote for Veritaserum was banned from curriculum or something. Too bad for him either way, so he decided to really try to relax for a few hours.

However he didn't see her later. In the sense that she didn't tell him any of her potential findings that day, or the day after that. When he confronted her about it at last it was in DADA class on Monday while they were supposed to practice and she'd hushed him. Later that day she'd said it was really nothing at all, she'd just remembered she'd misinterpreted a rune and had gone to professor Babbling about it. Harry didn't believe her completely, considering he was almost sure he saw the ancient runes professor leave to go to Hogsmeade early on Saturday.

Their conversation however managed to bring Snape closer and eye them threateningly. It was a small wonder he didn't deduct points on the spot, so Harry let the question hang in his head.

On Thursday, five minutes after classes ended, Harry reluctantly knocked on the door of Snape's office.

"I'm here to –", Snape waved at the door of his private lab without looking up. Harry narrowed his eyes and stepped quickly through the side-door. What was with this man seriously? This new attitude aka the invisible Potter was seriously doing a tap dance on his nerves these days. Snape had last addressed him first in the bathroom and a second time when he'd given him the schedule and this was all he'd said to him since he'd kicked him out of his office. Surely he'd made a perfectly good point then, why reinforcing it so diligently. Was he afraid that maybe Harry'd forget his little speech and start pestering him again? Was he supposed to be retarded or something? But of course in Severus' eyes he might be just that. How screwed up did that make him?

Harry was tempted to do a nice explosion just to spite Snape. But realizing it could only result in all Gryffindor rubies to vanish, he managed to resist. Forty-five minutes later he was done, had put his potion in stasis till Saturday and rested on the edge of the table quite reluctant to leave the lab and face Snape again. He must have spaced out right there for at least a couple of minutes for he was startled when the door opened. Snape stood on the doorway eyeing the room at large.

"Get out.", he said calmly at last and Harry, eager to do just that, almost ran out.

The routine didn't change one bit for the remainder of the school year. What differed was the small comfort that Hermione never confronted him about Severus again. He went down to the dungeons every Saturday and occasionally in the evenings through the week to finish his scheduled assignments and Snape was always silent in his company when he wasn't being compelled to speak.

The weeks passed quickly almost unnoticed as Harry's thoughts got even more confused and the conclusion elusive.

What woke him to reality was the strangeness to speak with professor Trelawney about her interview again. He could almost picture Snape lurking outside the room in the Hog's Head, listening in on the prophecy that would finish Voldemort.

As he entered Dumbledore's office he was ready to act a pissed off teen, but surprisingly, the compel wasn't there to push him forth. He thought about it for a moment and decided to test it. How would it be if he could actually speak to Dumbledore tonight?

"Sir, I –"

"Harry I promised you that you could –"

"Sir, I'm sorry but we don't have time for this." The headmaster stared at him for a long moment no doubt trying to prod in his mind. "It's about the mirror, sir.", Harry added quickly.

"Ah, well this is certainly…surprising, Harry. You used it I presume?"

"Yes."

"And came back?"

"Yes."

"But why telling me this…unless…ah, I see, the time has come."

"Um, yes, and I was wondering…"

"How much time would you say we have for this?"

Harry frowned trying to remember exactly how things happened.

"A couple of minutes right now and about half an hour after we apparate."

"I'd prefer to talk later rather than now if that's agreeable with you."

"Yes, of course."

"Just one question, Harry. Did all go according to plan?"

Harry thought about it for a second. Dumbledore wanted to know this in his last living hours so he couldn't possibly deny him and there seemed to be no problem with fate on this because, Harry thought, he had too little time to change anything.

"For the most part, sir. Not everything, no. But the important thing is it all ended well for us… I'd better be going. We don't have all night."

The story again repeated itself up until they reached the entrance to the cave.

"So…Harry, I never thought it would be you who'd come back.", Harry swallowed thickly, thinking to himself he was foolish not to realize he'd probably taken somebody else's chance for redemption. "You see the mirror was enchanted for Severus."

"For – for him?", Harry repeated incredulous. "But why?"

"Well, Harry, I guessed, as you probably already know, that your protection should be enough to face Voldemort and live to tell the tale. But could we really risk the off chance that you would not? Something, anything might have gone wrong. It all depended on Severus, so I made the enchantment and told him to use it if he'd failed to give you the message."

"But –", Harry stopped, thinking frantically for a few moments while Dumbledore scanned the stone wall of the cave where an entrance would soon appear. "It wants blood.", he muttered.

"Ah, I thought so, thank you."

"But he couldn't have done it. The mirror would never have let him pass. He hated me."

"Did he now? Well, he certainly claimed so, but… I don't seriously believe he's ever hated you."

"He did! He does! Still does despite my effort…or again maybe because of it. Two months ago he told me how annoying I am – shouted it in fact – and then he said he never wanted to see me again if he could help it."

"Ah, but you put too much store in words, my boy. Try with actions, really, they sometimes speak a more understandable language. – However, I stay by what I said. It is my belief that he'd have no problem using the mirror."

"I hope we'll never know, sir."

"Yes, quite. Excuse me for the indiscretion but I have to ask – how old are you now?"

"Um…twenty-four, sir."

"So you –", Harry nodded unwilling to remind himself just how much wasted time he had behind him. "But why did you choose to come, Harry? Surely you realized what you'd face in returning so far back."

"Yeah, well…I didn't have much choice."

"No, of course you didn't.", replied Dumbledore gravely while entering the boat. "Well that's quite enough talk, lets act now, my dear boy, and pray it'll all have the best outcome possible."

Time is a marvelous thing. Quite ironic in the manifestation of your wishes, Harry noticed for a second time in his life. There they were and in what seemed like mere seconds…Dumbledore had fallen. His thoughts whirled only to enlighten the conclusion he was again left behind, seemingly doomed to be, to stay, to stagnate into what had the potential to be nothing but a nightmare of an existence.

And again he was forced to spring into action when the full body-bind curse was lifted, doing it all over again for no purpose at all. But he ran, partly because there was nothing else for him to do and partly because hurt was becoming his most dependable source of proof that he was more than a ghost locked in his memories.

And now he saw the vast outline of Hagrid, illuminated by the light of the crescent moon revealed suddenly behind clouds.

Harry tore past Hagrid and his opponent, took aim at Snape's back, and yelled, "Stupefy!"

He missed; the jet of red light soared past Snape's head; Snape shouted, "Run, Draco!"

and turned. Twenty yards apart, he and Harry looked at each other before raising their wands simultaneously.

Harry wasn't sure which was worse – the fact that Severus hated him, or what he was about to do. He didn't seem to have a choice though, the Death Eater was still close enough to see and hear everything Harry said.

"Cruc —"

Snape parried the curse, knocking Harry backward off his feet before he could complete it; Harry rolled over and scrambled back up again as the huge Death Eater behind him yelled, "Incendio!" Harry heard an explosive bang and a dancing orange light spilled over all of them: Hagrid's house was on fire.

"Fang's in there, yer evil —!" Hagrid bellowed.

"Cruc —" yelled Harry for the second time, aiming for the figure ahead illuminated in the dancing firelight, but Snape blocked the spell again. Harry could see him sneering.

"No Unforgivable Curses from you, Potter!" he shouted over the rushing of the flames, Hagrid's yells, and the wild yelping of the trapped Fang. "You haven't got the nerve or the ability —"

"Incarc —"Harry roared, but Snape deflected the spell with an almost lazy flick of his arm.

"Fight back!" Harry screamed at him. "Fight back, you cowardly —"

"Coward, did you call me, Potter?" shouted Snape. "Your father would never attack me unless it was four on one, what would you call him, I wonder?"

"Stupe —"

"Blocked again and again and again until you learn to keep your mouth shut and your mind closed, Potter!" sneered Snape, deflecting the curse once more.

Harry stared at him. was it…perhaps his imagination? His memory coming to life? Snape shouldn't have said this now… or should he? Was this his way of letting Harry know all was not as it seemed to be? Severus knew he could see nothing of Harry's thoughts or emotions unless… Was this what he wanted? And if it was should Harry give it? Give reassurance to Snape now? Of course he deserved it but it wasn't' the point. Severus'd hurt him… maybe too much. It would be foolish of Harry to…

"Now come!" Snape shouted at the huge Death Eater behind Harry. "It is time to be gone, before the Ministry turns up —"

"Impedi —"

But before he could finish this jinx, excruciating pain hit Harry; he keeled over in the grass.

"No!" roared Snape's voice and the pain stopped as suddenly as it had started; Harry lay curled on the dark grass, clutching his wand and panting; somewhere overhead Snape was shouting, "Have you forgotten our orders? Potter belongs to the Dark Lord — we are to leave him! Go! Go!"

And Harry felt the ground shudder under his face as the brother and sister and the enormous Death Eater obeyed, running toward the gates.Pushing himself to his feet again, Harry staggered blindly toward Snape,

"Sectum —!"

Snape flicked his wand and the curse was repelled yet again; but Harry was mere feet away now and he could see Snape's face clearly at last: He was no longer sneering or jeering; the blazing flames showed a face full of rage. Mustering all his powers of concentration, Harry thought, Levi —

"No, Potter!" screamed Snape. There was a loud BANG and Harry was soaring backward, hitting the ground hard again, and this time his wand flew out of his hand. He could hear Hagrid yelling and Fang howling as Snape closed in and looked down on him where he lay, wandless and defenseless as Dumbledore had been. Snape's pale face, illuminated by the flaming cabin, was suffused with hatred just as it had been before he had cursed Dumbledore.

'I trust you.' Harry though concentrating harder than ever on those three words now Snape was close enough and felt himself penetrating a foreign mind for the first time. I still trust you. And it wasn't charity. It wasn't just because he knew what this man would do later. It didn't matter after all whether he hated him or not. It was too insignificant to change the fierce determination in Harry to erase this look off Snape's face forever. To see him satisfied, maybe even happy and in any case alive after this hell of a war was over. Harry would be fine then, he'd have a life to live and many opportunities to fight for happiness. But the man before him was a man who'd fought his whole life only to get here. Admittedly he was bitter, a bully and maybe had a bit too much darkness in his heart, but he'd done enough. Nothing else should have been asked of him. 'I may be damned but I'll always trust you'

Harry could only hope he was understood. He didn't dare even imagine in this moment that his words would mean something to this man, but really it was all he could do for him at this point. And he knew too well that the last time around Snape was devastated with where he'd put himself by doing this and with the deed itself.

Severus didn't say anything further, instead whirled about, robes swishing behind him, and hurried out of the gates.

So this was it. His final chance to see Snape for far too long. When they next saw each other it would be it – the final exam he'd have to take to prove he hasn't wasted his entire life.