Funny how time trickled slowly when you yearned for something too far away in the future. Harry'd been tempted to defy fate in order to fast forward the inanity of repetition but he knew he couldn't afford any missed opportunity – any missed second for it might have provided an unexpected opportunity.
He'd had those, through the years, moments when the shackles of his old life relaxed unexpectedly and he could do something else, or even occasionally say something else.
So far all the odds were against him. He didn't have a real plan, he had a few phials full of antidote and a handful of spells, a half-finished animagus transformation and a few drops of liquid luck left. He did feel self-pity; at times he felt self-disgust. He was the wrong person to come back, so much has been made clear to him and he was woefully unprepared to finish what he had started and keep him safe. It stung, of course it stung. And he couldn't say he thought about much else but only in his dreams when he had nothing to gain pretending, where he could hold him and keep him from harm, he could find peace. Minutes, days and months trickled by past him and his nightmares never changed.
A bright silver light appeared right ahead of him, moving through the trees. Whatever the source,it was moving soundlessly. The light seemed simply to drift toward him.
Harry watched it approaching transfixed. He knew what was coming, knew Severus had to still be somewhere close by and yet his eyes were glued to the silver light.
He screwed up his eyes as the light became blinding, the trees in front of it pitch black in silhouette, and still the thing came closer…
And then the source of the light stepped out from behind an oak.And there came a surprise so sudden it frightened Harry, who thought wildly that something's gone terribly wrong. This wasn't Snape's patronus, this wasn't his mother's patronus and it certainly wasn't a silver doe. No, a silver bird was instead flying toward him and though it seemed too strange to be happening, Harry again felt that sensation telling him it was okay, that he knew this patronus. Still if it wasn't Severus' who else could have sent it? Only the Order members used the patronus charm to send messages and this meant it should be alright…didn't it? He gazed in the bird's eyes and felt the strangest thing yet. It was as though it was speaking to him even though no words really came out and Harry suddenly realized he knew those eyes, he'd waited for those eyes all along. Those were Lily's eyes. This had to be Snape's patronus. Admittedly this made no logical sense but he knew with all his heart that nothing had gone wrong, that this was an infinitesimal change and that he could trust this creature. So when the bird flapped its silvery white wings and drifted away in the direction of the lake, Harry followed just like he did the last time. Still mesmerized by this inexplicable occurrence when everything else was so perfectly structured, he watched the bird vanishing, feeling the loss of something precious yet unknown.
"You have to promise me this: you shall not speak, you won't protest, you won't ask questions and most of all you will not discuss this with anybody. If you cannot swear to it you must go back right now.", Harry hissed, not able to look back at them.
He groped behind him and she forced the bundle of slippery cloth into his free hand. With difficulty he dragged it over himself, murmured, "Nox," extinguishing his wandlight, and continued on his hands and knees, as silently as possible, all his senses straining, expecting every second to be discovered, to hear a cold clear voice, see a flash of green light.
"It cannot be any other way," said Voldemort. "I must master the wand, Severus. Master the wand, and I master Potter at last."
And Voldemort swiped the air with the Elder Wand. It did nothing to Snape, who for a split second seemed to think he had been reprieved: But then Voldemort's intention became clear. The snake's cage was rolling through the air, and before Snape could do anything more than yell, it had encased him, head and shoulders, and Voldemort spoke in Parseltongue.
"Kill."
There was a terrible scream. Harry saw Snape's face losing the little color it had left; it whitened as his black eyes widened, as the snake's fangs pierced his neck, as he failed to push the enchanted cage off himself, as his knees gave way and he fell to the floor.
"I regret it," said Voldemort coldly.
Just like that Voldemort swept from the room without a backward glance, and the great serpent floated after him in its huge protective sphere.
As quietly as he could, he pulled himself up into the room and crouched next to Snape trying not to pay attention to the state of the man he loved, the fear in his eyes, his ghostly white face, all the blood pouring from his neck, and the bloody fingers that grabbed at the front of his robes pulling him close. Even as his eyes watered, he continued fumbling in his pockets for something until he found it.
'I already know.", Harry whispered urgently as the small crack sounded and with it a house elf appeared. Kreacher, shabby as ever was silent and quite expressionless as he gave Harry the phial he was holding and stood perfectly still afterwards.
Harry looked at Snape who had his mouth open about to say something. He couldn't bare stare in Severus' eyes right now as the three unbidden words sounded loud and clear in his mind terrifying him more than the wounded man before him. He hastily took the potion and tipped it to Severus' parted lips.
This first one was designed to dissolve the snake's venom and he couldn't entrust it to his house elf's administration. The next one that followed only seconds later was blood-replenishing potion. The mix would undoubtedly give Severus some nasty side-effects but Harry hadn't been able to adjust it any better. It was after all a matter of life and death and discomfort was something Snape knew how to live through better than most.
After Harry'd emptied the contents of the second bottle into his mouth and Snape had swallowed it, he extracted his wand pointing at the bloody wound. He tried to bring forth some confidence to be able to do it right. He knew he was no meddiwizard but he had no other option right now. It was this or bursting into the great hall and shouting at madam Pomfrey, which of course, his gut feeling told him clearly, couldn't happen. The wound was proving tough to seal. He tried a few times getting angry and scared all the more, as his hands started to tremble and he didn't dare look up to Snape's face and see if there was still life in him. He nearly jumped when he felt someone else kneel beside him.
"Both.", was all Hermione said, and sighed not able to express how grateful he was. He alone would never have been good enough to do it but both of them maybe…
At last, after what felt like ages, the wound closed. Harry's eyes dared travel now to Severus' face. The eyelids were closed and he looked so much paler than usual that it hurt to look at him. Harry panicked, instinctively squeezing his eyes as the tears obscured his vision and tried to feel for a heartbeat on his chest. When he felt it he thought he'd surely die of relief.
So far so good. He hadn't dared believe he'd be able to manage so well in this crucial moment. All of his nightmares dispersing now, he felt like laughing. Just a final touch and nothing else mattered.
He turned around and nodded at Kreacher who seemed to have been waiting just for this, kneeled, took Snape in his arms and disappeared with another crack.
Licking his lips Harry got up on trembling legs and Hermione followed him back to the tunnel where Ron waited staring incredulously at them both. He didn't dare speak at this place however so the three of them started through the tunnel and back to the grounds.
"What the bloody hell was that about?", Ron almost shouted once they were back out of the Whomping willow.
"Be quiet, Ron!", hissed Hermione under the cloak.
"Remember that you've sworn.", Harry whispered and felt them both nod. "I'll explain everything to you after it's all over."
"Assuming we survive…", Ron murmured.
"We will survive.", Harry assured him before Hermione could intervene.
Once they got back into the castle Hermione and Ron again moved towards the Great hall while Harry didn't waste any time to think. He'd suffered all the deaths already and however cruel it may have seemed even to him, he had no intention of stopping for them right now. Instead he turned to the staircase and ran straight to the gargoyle guarding the headmaster's office. Just like before the password was Dumbledore and Harry sighed with relief. It wouldn't do for this to change now. Barging in like a madman he immediately transfigured the desk into a bed and his eyes searched frantically for black robes. There he was with Kreacher by his side applying some paste to the closed wound.
"It hasn't opened again?", Harry asked in a trembling voice.
"No, master,", Kreacher drawled. "He awakened when Kreacher moved him and Kreacher gave him the blue bottle just as master instructed."
"Good job, Kreacher.", Harry sighed. "Step back, I'm going to move him to lie on the bed."
As Kreacher drew back Harry muttered the spell and floated Severus' body to the mattress. He looked too still, too pale for Harry to be relieved yet. Yes the critical moment had passed, but his body still had too much to fight tonight.
Just as he let him rest down Snape's eyes fluttered open and Harry immediately closed the distance between them trying to find his voice, to sound confident, reassuring. He failed miserably.
"Sir, please don't try to speak or move. Just…listen…", he trailed off as Snape closed his eyes but after a moment he opened them again. "You are in the headmaster's office, sir. You have taken three potions. Anti-venom, blood-replenishing and pain reliever. I cannot give you anything else right now as even those were too much for your system. I know what you feel right now must be excruciating but this is the only chance for your survival so please, just –", his voice broke off completely as his throat seemed to constrict around a painful lump but he tried to mask it with a cough and hastened to continue. "Kreacher will be here in an instant should you need anything. You can trust he'll take care of you until it's over."
As difficult as it was Harry stepped back to Dumbledore's old cabinet extracting an empty bottle. Touching his forehead with Draco's wand and putting the silvery substance inside the bottle, he left it corked on an empty shelf and turned to face Severus again. He'd evidently seen him do this.
"It is for you. Once you're better you must see it. Kreacher,", he addressed the elf and Kreacher immediately vanished. "It's time.", Harry said finally and with one last look towards Snape, exited the office.
What he had to do right now was against every self-preservation instinct encoded in the human mind. He had to try and die again. It was hard enough any part of him wasn't fond of the idea and the fact he knew he would survive didn't help too much his intention of sacrifice. Wasn't it enough to walk there and take the blow? No, of course it wasn't – he had to bloody mean it.
And on the other hand there was the complication of Snape's change of state which he now had no way of knowing.
Harry'd put his Invisibility cloak on the moment he stepped outside the headmaster's office and willed his legs forward as fast as he could go without outright running down the staircase.
Everything happened as before. He again saw Neville and revealed himself telling him to kill the snake. It was a relief that history was still repeating itself. How different would things have gone if Nagini was still alive in the final battle Harry didn't dare speculate. Instead he moved on in a hurry stopping only when fate prompted him to. He had to use the damn stone in the snitch which he had dreaded for almost the whole year. What would his parents say, what would Sirius and Remus say now they knew who Harry really was and what he'd done to them, he really didn't want to know. But there was no choice to it, so Harry lifted the snitch and with it the memory of a time long passed in which he was naïve and pure.
"I'm about to die.", he whispered and hurried to close his eyes as he motioned the stone inside his palm wishing he was dead already. He stayed like this, feeling the eerie figures, hearing faintly their movements.
"Harry.", he recognized the voices of his father and Sirius mingled together.
"Harry, dear.", his mother's soft voice sounded in his years. Instead of helping him, it pored all the shame he was holding in a tight corner pore and flood his entire essence. "You've been so brave.", her voice sounded again making him open his eyes frowning.
"What?", he hissed in a low voice.
"You're nearly there" James said just like before. "Very close. We are…so proud of you."
"What?", Harry repeated dumbfounded. "You can't possibly be… don't you know? Do you have an idea what I've done?"
It was Sirius who answered this time.
"Of course we know. So what?"
"So? So I am the reason…the reason each of you is dead right now!", Harry barely contained himself.
"You are not.", Remus replied calmly. "It couldn't have happened any other way, Harry."
"Of course it could have! I could have come back for you, Remus, or for Sirius, or my mum and dad…but I didn't. I came for him because…."
"You came for him because you had to." Lily said. "Because he deserved it to be done and because you deserved it to be done. It was never his time to go, dear. It was ours."
Harry looked pleadingly at them. He wanted to ask more, to know how they could be so certain, so forgiving when he remembered very well what he had experienced with the mirror. But he knew he had no more time to spare here.
"I have to die – I…I really have to – now, don't I?", there was silence in which Harry swallowed and realized that perhaps this was really the end.
The fear moved him forward instead of urging him back. He stepped out of the shadows pocketing his cloak just like before. And barely a moment had passed before Harry saw the flash of green light and everything went blank.
Harry groaned just before he opened his eyes. he had to wait for only a moment for Dumbledore to appear by his side.
"How? Why?". He growled through gritted teeth and to his irritation Dumbledore chuckled.
"Now, Harry, calm down. You've been imagining I am sure this would be the end of the story. You have forgotten the reason for your journey, my boy."
Harry sighed.
"The mirror was a measure of saving me."
"Precisely! And while it didn't go exactly according to plan, you couldn't have simply died. In the worst case scenario, Severus would have come back to prevent it. Don't forget the mirror is still there and he is still alive."
"I still say he couldn't have done it.", Harry replied stubbornly.
"He couldn't have failed in a million years. But why is this uncharacteristic petulance? You can still go on – if you wish."
"It's not that I've given up, headmaster. I've just had enough of repeating myself for a lifetime."
Dumbledore laughed at his words.
"Ah, but little remains for this playact of yours, Harry, yes?"
"How do you know?", Harry narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"I don't.", he said simply. "I was merely guessing by what you've already told me and by your expression I see I am right."
"It doesn't matter though.", he sighed. "I've nothing to do after tonight."
"You have your whole life ahead of you, my boy. You may feel far from it but you are seventeen. You can still do whatever you wish with your life."
"I wish you would tell me something actually."
"And what would that be?"
"How can you be so certain Snape could have come back?"
Dumbledore chuckled softly but as Harry glared he hastened to compose himself.
"Yes, well, it is because the mirror was designed to work for him explicitly."
Harry frowned and tried to think about this piece of information but it didn't seem to fit at all.
"But then how come I was able –"
"I am surprised you haven't figured it out already.", he replied serenely. "I can only guess you will find out soon enough one way or another. Now, Harry, it is time for you to make your choice for a second and hopefully last time."
This choice was just as much illusion as the first one had been. Harry's heart had all the answers and his head could not compete. How could he ever rest if he did not know that the man had survived, that he still breathed? No, peace would not be found anytime soon, not for him anyway.
Year 8
An year had passed since the events of the final battle, changing a lot of things in its way. Harry had again gotten his Order of Merlin First class, had with painstaking efforts managed to clear Snape's name and he, in turn, had gotten a second class order, though some still whispered there was something dodgy about it. What Harry was currently most proud of was his long due achievement of his animagus form which was in fact brilliant as Hermione had commented. She called it Buteogallus gundlachii after finding him in an encyclopedia. He called it black hawk after frowning stupidly at her. The variation of the name didn't change the fact that the form suited his personality perfectly. He absolutely loved flying and doing it without the aid of a broomstick actually felt liberating. The coloring was his own, his eyes were still green, his beak was the coolest as it had deep blue to the front merging with the gold of the base. In short, he felt rather narcissistic these days.
It felt fulfilling to remember he'd spent his last eighteenth birthday alone on his couch eating junk and drinking firewhiskey from ten in the morning. He now had behind him a rather fruitful year to combine with the open doors of future opportunities.
What was the only set back was the most important thing of course. Everything had happened so fast then, he had failed to track its course but there still was the fact he haven't really seen or spoken with Severus since the night of the battle. Harry knew he'd recovered, he'd made sure Snape was transferred to a private ward at St Mungo's hospital and had frequently checked on his condition. He was also positive Severus had seen the memories he gave him as when he next had went to the office, the small bottle was gone, but Harry had no more information on the matter. He had decided even before that night, he wouldn't disturb the Potions Master anymore. If Snape'd chosen to contact him, they would have talked but as he hadn't done anything of the sort, Harry could only suspect the reasons for it. The reasons he came up with only served to dim his achievements and self-esteem altogether. The only rational explanation he conjured was that Snape still found him annoying and now that he knew what Harry'd done, he had a perfectly good reason to support his claim, adding obsessive freak to the bunch of epithets he no doubt already had. It was only natural Snape hadn't contacted him with questions of his reasons for doing such a stupid thing. The man was probably glad he had gotten rid of him for good now Harry had finally graduated post factum. It was a rough day when he received his diploma via owl. A cause for celebration on one hand as he had three outstanding NEWT scores, and a huge cause for grief as this major part of his life ended. It wasn't like he could have went back to Hogwarts for school reasons anymore, so he couldn't have had a chance to see Snape there at all, but still it hurt to see the evidence he had no place there anymore. There was still the question in Harry's mind about what Severus was doing there after Voldemort was gone for good. He suspected the man felt attached to this place after all the years spent there and still found it comforting to know he had come home from the hospital and continued with his old life.
Harry's eighteenth birthday was a cause for too much of a celebration going on in the Burrow. He had insisted on it being at his own place but it turned out it was a bad idea to try winning an argument with Molly Weasley. As it was, invitations exceeded the room in his apartment any way so it was for the best. Around three o'clock in the afternoon of July the 31st in the backyard of the Burrow were gathered about fifty people. Most of them were Harry's friends, so he didn't mind. There were also the Minister of Magic, half the staff of Hogwarts and various colleagues of Arthur who'd been in the Order – most of these were people Harry hadn't even met before. The party was alright, everyone seemed to have fun, which was a bit bizarre with such a diverse crowd but Harry didn't pay too much attention to that. He'd just finished a long conversation with Shacklebolt revolving a bit too close to the subject of ex Death Eaters and Malfoy in particular and sat down on the nearest chair just beside professors Flitwick, Hagrid and McGonagall who were conversing quietly.
"Minerva, I say you post an advertisement and see if someone fitting applies."
"'s professor, y' n'ver know s'mone might be int'rested. B'sides ya can't go on teachin' much longer."
"I just want to be sure the person who replaces me will be someone capable of the job. It is one of the hardest subjects taught in Hogwarts after all. And I –"
"And you don't want to give it up.", Flitwick chimed in. "I understand Minerva, but it is time you do. It is too much for one person to handle."
"Yes, yes, I am aware, thank you very much, Filius.", she sighed.
Harry' instinct was to immediately jump to his feet and approach her about the opening. Still he stood right where he was, too old now to be this impulsive, and he laughed inwardly. Should he do it though? Try for the post? It would be nice to go back to Hogwarts, he knew from experience it wasn't too awful to be a teacher and he believed himself accomplished enough in Transfiguration to have little problem helping kids grasp the essentials. On the other hand there was Snape with all the bittersweet emotion he brought with the mere thought of the man he was. He would be ecstatic to see Severus again, be in his presence now and then. He would be reachable if Harry was in the castle. He could see him every day. And yet… Snape didn't want to see him. Would he be disturbed too much if Harry became a professor? Would his hate finally show? Would Snape look upon him like he'd looked at Lupin all those years ago – with hatred, revulsion, disgust? No, it would probably be worse since Harry had wronged him in a much more unconventional way, barging in on his innermost thoughts and memories and defiling them with falsehood all through their time together. But the question wasn't this, no, it was whether it was better or worse for Severus if Harry was in the castle. And if it was worse, was it going to be bad enough to really hurt him?
For the rest of the day nothing could distract Harry from this train of thought. He'd concluded at last that he could allow himself do it. He could take steps to show Snape he wasn't going to go back in his life full force. He would just be there, maybe watch from a distance, maybe saying 'good day' and 'good evening', but nothing more. Besides, he couldn't really be sure McGonagall would allow it at all as Harry had just gotten out of school and was largely inexperienced. No, he decided, no fault for trying. And try he did, right on the following day.
Just at noon he apparated to Hogwarts and was going on his way to the empty castle when Hagrid saw him.
"What'r ya doin' here Harry?"
"Hi, Hagrid, I came to see professor McGonagall. Do you happen to know where she is?"
"She'd be in 'er office by now. I'll come with ya."
"Thank you.", Harry smiled and walked on. "Hagrid?"
"Yea, Harry?"
"How's professor Snape these days?"
"Why'd ya ask that Harry?"
"Well I haven't seen him in a long time, I was just wondering if he was alright.", he replied serenely.
"Ah, I imagine ya'd like to know yea. He's fine Harry. He's teachin' Potions again…and he's…"
"He's happy?"
"Well, ya know how Snape is. He's just about as happy as a blast-ended skrewt when you get on its wrong side."
Harry snorted.
"Yes, I imagine he is as fine as he'll ever be."
The walk to the headmaster's office through the empty halls of the castle was one of the longest Harry'd experienced. The cold stone seemed to mock his resolve in silky tones, laughing at the audacity to show himself here, uncomprehending as to how he could deceive himself into believing his actions harmless. At last he arrived to the gargoyle much to McGonagall's surprise.
"Potter, what are you doing here?", she almost yelled as she admitted him. Harry smiled widely.
"It's good to see you too, professor."
"You very well know you are always welcome to visit,", she continued in her brisk tone. "just try to make an arrangement next time."
"Yes, I knew there was something I missed in planning.", he laughed soundlessly and sat when gestured to do so. "As a matter of fact I came in the spur of the moment with a request to make, professor."
"A request, is it then, Potter? Well, speak."
"I heard a rumor, professor, that there was an opening to be filled in your staff by the start of the new term."
"Where did you – never mind that. You have recommendation for the post then I presume?"
"Well, not exactly. I would like to apply for the post myself.", Harry said his voice trembling a little. It was very intimidating to assert oneself in front of one's former head of house.
"You? Applying for the post of transfiguration teacher? Nonsense, Potter."
"Well, as you know," he began calmly. "I received an outstanding on my newts and besides I've recently registered my animagus form and I feel I have the necessary accomplishments to be here."
"Yes, certainly this is all good, Potter – but you just turned eighteen. If you would wait an year or two then maybe… but now… now –"
"Is this you worrying about the board of governors or –"
"I'm sure the board of governors would be delighted in having you, Potter, but –"
"So you fear I'm too immature for the post?"
"In short – yes." She said looking at him crookedly through her glasses.
"Well then – I am twenty six, professor."
"Well that's – What?", she sputtered and Harry sighed knowing it would come to this.
"I cannot go into detail of how this occurred but if you'd check you'll see my magical signature is of the age of twenty six and I've lived exactly this long."
"What is this – nonsense – I can't believe you'd –"
"Just check, professor, I'm not lying to you."
McGonagall's nostrils flared as she brandished her wand and waved it inches from his face.
"But how?" she said in astonishment looking at the vapory figures surrounding him.
"I shouldn't go where fate and time are involved. It is enough that you know I am not a mere boy of eighteen. I hope this will help you take my applying for the post more seriously. I wish to teach transfiguration in Hogwarts. I know how difficult this job may be, I realize there is a lot of responsibility involved. I certainly won't be the youngest member of the staff ever to be appointed and I don't think I'd be the most unaccomplished either. Of course the decision is up to you." ,Harry smiled and began to rise.
"Alright Potter, I'll contact you when I've reached a decision."
It was late august that Harry'd gotten an owl confirming his appointment.
"Your curriculum looks promising." She said when they met again at her office.
"I have actually adapted it to your own. I feel even though I know I should bring my own approach to the material you know best after all these years how to go about teaching the children in the most suitable way for them to comprehend."
McGonagall smiled but then a silvery bird flew in before she could reply.
"Minerva, I thought we agreed on the new rooms I require.", the bird chirped without preamble in Snape's silky tembre.
Harry stood mesmerized. He knew this bird, but then again how could he not? Snape's patronus. The hawk. Harry blinked slowly at the bird before realization hit him.
The headmaster opened her mouth on a comment but then quickly closed it into a small frown when Harry bolted out of the office.
"You!"
"Potter," Snape hissed dropping one of the jars he was holding as the door to his lab shut closed with a loud bang.
"You never came to speak with me. You never asked anything! He yelled, Does it mean nothing to you, what I did?"
"On the contrary, Potter, it meant a great deal", Snape answered slowly, cautious of the angry young man.
"Why then?"
Snape busied himself repairing the damaged jar and lifting it on the shelf once again, turning his back to Harry.
"I merely didn't wish to burden you with myself anymore than I've done", he turned to look at him black eyes devoid of emotion. "I've taken up enough of your time as I understand."
"You said I was a nuisance for you, always pestering you for time and attention."
"I seem to have said something of the sort, yes." Snape moved to sit down suddenly looking forlorn.
"You lied." Harry accused.
"Whatever has given you that impression?" He asked politely and Harry could hear the false warmth in his voice knowing this person as well as he did. It irked Harry, the tone, the pretense, the glass wall that seemed to have always stood between them.
"Your patronus has changed. It used to be a doe. Like my mother's."
Snape closed his eyes slowly and opened them once more. He seemed tired but Harry had no patience for that. Not now that he saw things clearly, maybe for the first time.
"These things do happen sometimes."
"The eyes remain though. I thought it was still her somehow. But it isn't, is it? It hasn't been for some time."
Snape shook his head.
"What point are you trying to make, Potter?"
"You…you say my name like an insult. Do I deserve it? Must you make it so clear all the time that you can't stand me? Look."
Harry shifted slowly dissipating into a smaller shape until reaching the size of a quaffle deep inside his pillowing robes, only to suddenly burst out of them spreading his wings. His animal form flew in a low circle and perched on the desk in front of Snape furrowing his feathers and piercing him with his green eyes.
Snape stared unblinking at the bird, comprehension of his former student's message sinking in.
Ever so slowly the bird rose from the desk only to shift back to his human form never taking his eyes off of Snape.
"Dumbledore said something to me."
"He must have said many things," Snape retorted calmly but even so his voice shook minutely to Harry's keen ears.
"He said he had designed the mirror for you."
Harry sat down in the chair opposite him frowning at the silence.
"I didn't believe him of course. Now I don't know what to believe."
"What do you expect me to say, Potter?" Snape hissed.
"The truth, Severus," he replied softly. "I need to know."
"And what will you do with that truth? It doesn't matter anymore."
"It matters to me!"
"Why should it? You are free of your duty, you've done what you had to. I am alive and well. You've done enough, now it's time for you to go on and live your life…"
"You don't get to decide that for me you git! You owe me that at least."
"I do owe you that and much more and I would sorely prefer if I didn't."
"I don't.", Harry relented. "I am not sorry for what I did. I would do it again you know."
"Even if I hate you for it?"
"It's not about that. Never has been. Do you have an idea? You would if you'd just asked me! Do you know what it's like to dream every night of you dying? Right in front of me. I could do nothing. Nothing." Harry's eyes filled and he swore quietly.
"You are free now, Harry."
"I am not, don't you see? I have no one left, nothing to live for, look forward to."
"I am sorry." Snape said solemnly ever so quiet like a secret.
"I am not. Do you know how the mirror works you bastard? It fulfills your heart's desire, the deepest, innermost yearning of your soul. Every nerve in my body, every waking and dreaming thought - Not for my mother and father, not for my godfather or friends. Only you. I am your prisoner Severus. Even once back then, the timeline you're not even aware of. You hated me so much, you loathed my existence. I hated you too, with passion. Even then you always saved my life again and again without me knowing it was that that you were doing. And I dreamt of you. Confusing dreams, horrifying me to the core. Even then yearning for what I could never have from you. Acceptance?" he mocked. "You didn't deem me worthy of that. Respect was absurd to think of. I hated you till the moment you died. Then, only then it began to slowly hit me – my true desire. And even then, the mirror knew it before I did."
"You have my respect. You know that." Snape said sounding deeply sad suddenly.
"Do I? You didn't even seek me after. Never spoke a word to me again. Do you understand now how much it hurt when you said those things to me? That I was never really a welcome company? That you still only tolerated my presence? Your presence was all I had, Severus! The only conversation that wasn't on perpetual repeat that I'd long outgrown. I was so fuckin' alone! And I wouldn't blame you for that if you'd been honest. That's why I ask you now, why did you lie to me? Why was I broken to pieces? What did I do to deserve it?"
Harry found himself standing up, shaking, wayward tears slipping from his eyes unbidden and he wiped them with determination.
"Nothing." Snape breathed averting his eyes. "You were too close."
"And you didn't want me near you."
Snape leaned heavily on the desk fixing Harry with a ferociousness the younger man had never before seen.
"I had to tell you that you have to die!" he ground out. "Oh, you so want to know the truth you're willing to tear it out of me, fine! But Potter, I may be egotistical and I may have been self-centered but you were not the only one broken by what happened. I was mad, do you understand?" Severus growled in a low voice. "I was driven insane with fury and I could do nothing!" he spat the word like an insult – to him, to Harry and to the universe itself it seemed. "There was no way out of it and I couldn't bear to look at you. How could I bear to see the affection in your eyes knowing what I was and how I'd betray the utter trust you placed in me?", he looked away and Harry saw how his face slowly shattered, the mask of anger gone and he crumbled down in his chair his eyes glassy and distant. "Do you know how many times I prayed death would come for me before the end of that forsaken year? All my life had been a lie and that which I'd sworn to protect would have to die at my hand." He laughed humorlessly. "I must have been so mad, so desperate. The mirror you've seen, I dreamt of it one night. It spoke to me. 'Do you wish to see your heart's desire' it asked, 'I can take you there just find me'" Severus laughed again this time it seemed at the confusion on Harry's face. "Dumbledore told you he did something to it. I guess that was his last courtesy to me. When I found it, when I looked at it, it didn't show me a picture, it simply wrote for me. Do you know what it said?" Severus asked but Harry was transfixed, uncomprehending. "You were too late, but now you are in time. Touch only what you need to save and leave the rest alone –"
"…or it will leave you behind.", Harry whispered.
"It was a sliver of hope for redemption but hardly enough."
"I am alive."
"Yes. And so am I thanks to you."
"Why didn't you say something?" Harry asked quietly his eyes searching. "Anything?"
Severus huffed out a humorless laughter his long fingers tapping on the desk before him.
"I had no need. You had left me your memories, remember? Now they were quite the revelation. They explained everything, you see? What I've always seen in you but had remained hidden from me for so long. Why you were so…invested, protective of me; why you always sought me out; your interest in potions; your knowledge of my past. It became clear to me how much you'd sacrificed to get me to this point where –" Severus cleared his throat and Harry instantly regretted coming here, disturbing this man's quiet existence for his own selfish need of the truth. "Where I stood a chance – at life, at freedom." He got up, turned away from Harry's gaze, pretending to busy himself with righting imaginary wrongs on the shelf behind his chair. "You had sacrificed your time, your life to save me, and I have already taken more than is due. So you see, Potter, I didn't need to say anything, ask you anything, because I already knew."
Harry sat back down his mind reeling. Severus, this intensely private man, had been so honest with him, so open even though he'd never share a word of this with him on his own volition. He owed him the same self-destructive truth and Harry wanted more than anything in the moment to level with him. Would it help or would it bother him even more?
"I have deceived you." He said instead and saw Severus lean back putting space between them again. "I had to do things I had no control over and no way to explain." He added. "And I had no true conversation other than the ones with you." Harry leaned in trying to get the man's attention back as he'd looked away his eyes focused somewhere in the distance. "Caring about you has never been a necessary component in saving you, Severus.", the man turned his eyes back on him it seemed reflexively upon hearing his name. "But I did anyway and I don't regret a single conversation we had for all the time you say it had cost me.", Harry smiled sadly. "I understand if you want me gone. Just say the word and I will make my apologies to McGonagall."
Severus sighed and turned away.
"Stay if this is what you want to do."
Harry smiled, a tiny hope forming in him for the first time in too long.
"Are you sure? I have been reliably informed that I can be very annoying."
His smile faltered. He'd tried to lighten the mood but instead the man before him still looked forlorn. Perhaps they'd broken what they had irreparably. The unlikely camaraderie with easy silences and spiteful jokes seemed a timeline away to Harry. You'll never trust me again.
"I'm sorry. I'd better go."
"Potter," Snape called stopping him at the door. "Give it time." He said simply and Harry smiled despite the painful lump in his throat.
"It's all yours, Severus."
"All settled?" Hermione chirped merrily from the fireplace.
"Almost." Harry sighed and continued folding his t-shirts.
"Oh Harry, are you sure about this?"
He could have told her and perhaps he should have but something stopped him from uttering a word about what had transpired. It was too new, too complicated to speak of.
"Do you think I'm dense?"
"Uh, no…well sometimes you can be. You know, you have this thing where you feel less."
"Less?"
"You know less deserving, less accomplished…just less."
Harry stopped his motions to look at the fireplace.
"I do that, don't I?"
"Well you're really not, you know?"
"You're my friend, you're biased." Harry laughed.
"How is he? Have you seen him?"
"I don't want to talk about it right now. But yes, I have."
"Did something happen?"
"Yes, but I really don't feel like speaking about it right now.", he admitted.
"Ron says "hi". He was really miffed about your career choice you know but I think he's starting to come around.
"He will never understand." Said Harry, thinking back to the night of the battle.
"Oh, but he does, Harry, I can tell. I think he just misses you."
"Maybe I can come on Sunday, have a lunch with you guys."
"That would be great, I can't wait to tell Ron. It will really make him happy."
Harry smiled and wished her a good night.
Tucking the last bout of folded clothing in his new wardrobe, he poured himself a glass of firewhiskey and sat in his armchair.
The joy of finding out Severus didn't detest him had been marred almost instantly by this uneasiness. Harry knew he didn't stand a chance to understand how the man had felt in finding out. He was grateful, Harry could see that, but beneath it was a betrayal. While the man did not blame him for being dishonest, he thought perhaps that everything Harry did and said had been a sham conductive to purpose. He didn't know if he was even close in figuring out the complex reasoning the man had, but even if he was right, he had no idea how to fix it and even if he should. Severus had found peace in the castle walls, unburdened by purpose and demands. That's what he'd wanted for him, right? Why then couldn't he just leave him be?
"We have strengthened the outer wards, the classrooms are ready, and the term begins in two days.", said professor McGonagall.
"We do still have Acromantula attacks in the forest." Pointed out professor Sprout.
"Acromantulas?" asked Harry interested. "They usually stay quiet, do you know what provoked them?"
"That's what I'm going to have to find out." Said a new familiar voice entering the professor's meeting. "Sorry, I'm late, the only portkey I managed was pre-set."
"It's alright, Mr. Weasley, come join us." McGonagall greeted Charlie to Harry's surprise. None of the Weasleys had mentioned he was back in the country.
"Good to see you, Harry." He murmured in passing with the usual devil may cry smile on his face.
"As our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Mr. Weasley will handle the disturbance, Pomona."
Harry turned his attention to Severus who seemed unusually subdued. Did he not want the position any longer? He'd not deigned to inflict even a passing glance to the new arrival. For all intents and purposes the professor seemed to be very very far away.
"I didn't know you are back!" said Harry amiably hugging Charlie briefly.
"Oh sorry, nobody knew, apart from McGonagall of course. I just thought, after everything, that mom may be more at ease having me back for a while." He smiled easily taking a look at Harry. "What about you? I used to hear you bemoan Transfiguration classes, how did you end up here?"
Harry blushed, the heat in his cheeks catching him off-guard.
"I'm just passing by," he heard himself say. "Until I figure out what I want."
"I always thought you'd do something related to Defense, you're a natural."
Harry laughed delighted and embarrassed at the praise.
"A lifetime ago, maybe." Harry stumbled as professor Snape chose this moment to pass right behind him and out of the room.
"Git.", Charlie muttered and he laughed.
"No, it's my fault"
"Anyway, wanna join me in fighting the monsters of the Forbidden Forrest?" Charlie asked taking a heroic pose.
"Yes…absolutely." He chuckled and followed suit.
The evening found the two of them, dirty with a few tears in their robes and unfoundedly giddy at the bar in the Three Broomsticks.
"-the worst sort of luck, I tell you!", Harry laughed.
"Hungarian Horntail all your life!" Charlie enthused. "But not lately. I heard you'd settled and become studious. I didn't believe it of course." He laughed.
"Mrs. Weasley said that?"
"Oh, no, no, Hermione did!" Harry burst into laughter.
"Cheers to adulthood. Happens to the best of us." He joked but the smile froze on his face. Far in the opposite corner of the room sat none other than Severus Snape, enjoying his own drinks with an unfamiliar companion.
"Harry?" Charlie called taking him out of his stupor. "Earth to Harry?" he turned to follow Harry's gaze. "Is everything okay?"
"Uh – yes… Yes absolutely. Do you know who that is?" Harry asked, indicating the red-haired woman whose back was turned to them.
"Actually I think I do. Come," he said already getting up. "Clara?"
Harry stayed rooted to the spot looking on as the woman turned to Charlie, instantly beaming. Snape looked distinctly disgruntled by the interruption.
"Harry, come on over!" Charlie called attracting the attention of most of the patrons. He sighed taking his glass and joining their table. "Harry, this is Clara Hastings, Clara, this is Harry Potter."
"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter." The woman smiled at him. She was breathtakingly beautiful, soft features and tiny freckles and Harry's heart was suddenly in his throat.
"The pleasure is mine I'm sure." He managed to say.
"Harry, Clara here is an old friend of mine from our Hogwarts days whom I haven't seen in… ten years now?"
"Make it twelve" she chuckled.
"Twelve… how time passes by. Do you still carry your bowtruckle with you?"
"No, Weasley, do you still carry the silver locket?" she teased right back and Charlie blushed.
Harry glanced at Severus to see the man glare openly at the young Weasley.
"Do you mind?" Charlie asked already seating himself. "What are you doing so far away from your natural habitat?"
Harry couldn't swallow the awkwardness, completely unsure what to do with himself. Severus seemed to have noticed for he scooted away on his bench.
"Sit down, before you fall over, Potter." He said and even though it sounded commanding and cold, Harry was grateful for the option.
"Severus here has promised me tutorship." Clara announced brightly.
"I did no such thing." The man retorted.
"But Sev, I thought we had an agreement!"
Harry's vision swam uncomfortably and he lifted the glass of firewhiskey in an effort of distraction.
"I merely said that I wouldn't be opposed to provide you with additional perspective in your research." Snape corrected but he sounded amused.
Harry put his glass down and hissed as he inadvertently grated the wound on his palm to the wooden surface.
"Is everything alright with you two?" Clara asked and Charlie shrugged.
"Yeah, there was a bit of an Acromantula problem that we dealt with."
"What – wandless?" she laughed but Harry's focus was on the long cold fingers turning his palm to inspect the abrasion.
"It's –" Harry stopped abruptly as Severus covered his palm with his hand and he watched gob-smacked as the warm wave between them seemed to erase the wound entirely. Harry cleared his throat and Snape let go of his hand. "Thank you," he muttered. "We got a bit carried away."
"Indeed." Severus grunted.
"Hey why didn't I think of that?", Charlie said indignant and Clara chuckled.
"You're asking me, mate? The idiot with the mediwizard training?" Harry joined waving his now unblemished hand.
"You have mediwizard training, Potter?"
"I – it was superfluous but I had the time." He murmured with evident embarrassment.
"Well," Charlie said. "I think we'd better head back to the castle. Harry?"
Harry merely nodded getting up, not chancing another glance towards Severus.
"The silver locket Clara mentioned," Charlie murmured quietly on their way back, extracting a small object from his breast pocket and handing it to Harry.
He clicked the clasp open to find inside the picture of a handsome boy. Confused Harry looked at him, handing back the locket.
"She will never stop teasing me."
"Why are you telling me this?" he asked and bit his lip. He hadn't meant to sound like that.
"Friends share." He said simply smiling. "You can share too you know, if you ever want. I wouldn't tell a soul."
"Am I that transparent?" Harry asked bitterly.
"Oh yes." Charlie breathed and he froze. "Relax!", he patted him on the back ushering him forward, "I don't think he knows."
"How can he not – you've been here for eight hours and you already noticed."
"Oh I don't know, people can be quite oblivious to things right under their nose." Charlie winked leaving Harry even more confused as he hurried to catch up with him.
Harry settled into his chair at the high table just in time to welcome back the students. Many familiar faces filled the room and even if Harry knew few of them personally it still felt strange to be sitting up there instead of the Gryffindor table.
"Nervous, Potter?" asked the silky voice to his right.
"Yes." He admitted without a glance.
"Don't be." Snape said harshly. "They dote on you already, look."
It was true, most of them were looking at him smiling and speaking in hushed voices.
"How did you manage?"
"I don't think I'm the best person to ask for advice in this regard." Severus said and Harry turned to look at him to find him smiling infinitesimally.
"I can't be forbidding like you. I'm afraid they'll be waltzing all over me before noon tomorrow."
"They're just kids, they'll go as far as you allow them to."
When Harry had wished for Severus' happiness, he'd never expected to be this close to witness it.
"I am pleased to introduce you to Mrs. Clara Hastings. Mrs. Hastings will be under professor Snape's tutelage this year in her efforts to gain mastery in Potions and hence she will enjoy the hospitality of Hogwarts. She will not be leading classes, however, she will assist professor Snape in his work."
Clara's smile had instantly warmed everyone in the room and even Harry couldn't deny that she seemed a decent person. If only she would refrain from addressing Snape with such easy familiarity. He felt like an idiot, using the first opportunity to extract himself from the room.
Next Saturday as was a usual by now, Harry opened his eyes and tapped over the Marauders map in search of Snape's dot. For the last few days he'd seen too much and yet his morbid curiosity compelled him to see the two dots of Snape and Clara, inseparable as they had been from her arrival in the castle. He'd been an idiot, he'd not uttered a word to his colleagues for days, he'd drank far too much and he'd even let himself cry to sleep once. Yet here he was, perpetuating in the self-defeating pattern finding it beyond necessary to know.
He was surprised therefore to find Severus on his own in a familiar classroom with the label "brewing". Forgoing his breakfast completely, Harry dressed quickly and followed the dot's location.
"Enter, Potter." Snape said upon hearing the knock on the door. "Still spying I see.", he smirked.
"Why, you have anything to hide?" Harry tried.
"Always. Would you dice the floberworms?"
Silence fell as they worked but it was not the easy silence Harry had hoped for.
"I don't know how to speak with you anymore.", he admitted quietly.
Severus stopped stirring the potion abruptly turning instead to look at him.
"Are you happy?", Harry asked in a small voice.
"Are you?" Snape retorted immediately.
"Yes."
"Potter, you could never lie very well."
"I lied well enough." He spat bitterly.
Snape growled in frustration. "Have you ever thought of actually growing a pair and asking him?"
Harry halted the slicing motion his brain short-circuiting in effort to comprehend.
"What?"
"Mr. Weasley."
So, Severus had concluded…He might as well, thought Harry sadly, it sounded far better than the truth anyway.
"Would you come with me to Godric's Hollow on the 31rd?"
Severus fell silent until the hissing of the forgotten potion brought him back to the present.
"I would rather not if it's all the same to you." He said finally and it felt like a blow. "I don't think your parents would appreciate my presence."
"I see."
"Potter –" Severus reached to turn him around but Harry stepped away.
"No, it's okay, I have to go though."
"Stop." He said softly. "I can't handle any more lies from you."
"I haven't been doing okay, Severus. I don't know how that helps.", he muttered forcing himself to meet the man's eyes.
"I was thinking of going to the Three Broomsticks tonight. Would you join me?"
Later in the afternoon frustration led Harry to the lake. He'd taken a flight over the grounds, followed by a mindless walk here not even thinking about a particular destination, needing instead to just think. Why had he agreed to go with Severus tonight? Their conversation had felt so unnatural and stunted – he'd never felt so out of place in his presence before. He had no business talking with the man anymore, he couldn't think of anything to say and Severus himself did not seem eager enough to hold a natural conversation with him. Why invite him to the three Broomsticks at all?
"I'm glad you could join me.", Severus welcomed him as he reached the table already nursing a drink at half past eight.
"Of course." Said Harry simply.
"It crossed my mind that I behaved much like a bull in a china shop." Severus said and Harry had to laugh.
"I'm sorry, that's just such a muggle thing to say."
"You forget my father was as muggle as they come."
"Yes, of course." He said sipping from his glass.
"I have been making a list lately. It's still short but I thought you might help elucidate a few points."
"Indeed?"
"You don't have an interest in Potions."
Harry frowned, "Not really, no. I did tell you in a way."
"When did you tell me precisely?"
"Sometime in sixth year when you found out I haven't been planning on continuing the subject? Well the real reason was I wasn't supposed to continue originally as I got a mere acceptable on the exam. But that was no longer true when you asked."
"Acceptable? Potter, you learnt how to make anti-venom in a couple of weeks."
Harry looked up tentatively from his glass. "I didn't sleep for a couple of weeks. It was all I had in order to save your life.", he said softly.
"Why did you come back?"
"I didn't have a choice."
"What do you mean you didn't have a choice?" Snape asked raising his voice.
"No." Harry swallowed a large sip of his drink. "I'm not going there, it doesn't matter anymore. I came back. Why did you stay?"
Severus seemed to debate with himself the change of subject but relented.
"It has been my home for too long, I couldn't imagine a different life at this point. Why did you?"
"It has been my home too, for fourteen years now. Though I don't think I will retire on the job."
"I didn't think teaching appealed to you."
"It doesn't, you made sure to make that clear to me some years ago." Harry laughed then saddened. "She looks like my mom."
"Who does?"
"Clara, your apprentice."
Severus laughed and Harry felt his throat constricting.
"She does not. Sure she has red hair and freckles but a lot of people do. No, Potter, even you look more like her than Clara does."
"Please don't say that.", he uttered quietly and he could feel Severus' searching gaze upon him once more.
"I was merely jesting, you are nothing like either of them, you do know that I hope?"
"I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore. Does that make sense?"
"What were you before coming back?"
"Painfully miserable?" Harry joked. "I haven't really gotten as far as to fix my own life. It feels like I ruined it."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I didn't mean it like that, it has nothing to do with coming back. It's just –"
"You lack purpose.", Severus said and Harry had to stop to think about it. While it did not pertain entirely to his particular situation, perhaps it pertained enough to Severus' own.
"What would you do in my place?"
Severus chuckled to this, "I can't make decisions for you."
"No but indulge me either way. Please,"
"If I were you, Potter, I'd find myself a family." He sighed. "No accomplishment and no career are ever going to be enough on your own."
Harry reclined back struck how much those words rang home not only for him, but for the man as well. Beautiful irony that they couldn't find the fulfillment in each other and yet Harry couldn't envision being with anybody else, doing this to anybody at all. Faking feelings, pretending it was his desire. Would the feeling dissipate with time? Would he spend his entire life thinking what could have been if only -?
"Would you – follow the same advice?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.
"I am not you, Potter." Severus said simply and it made Harry angry. He was talking about himself. Harry was sure it was what he wanted, and moreover, definitely what he needed.
"You are human, Severus, as much as you might try to avoid thinking about it." He muttered softly and it sounded sad to his own ears. The man didn't speak, did not look at him either and to Harry it seemed that he'd hit an invisible limit to his unbreachable privacy. "Clara is beautiful." He murmured but Severus did not respond. "She seems to be very capable of holding her end of the conversation." Still no response followed as the man didn't even seem to register his words. "You two seem very close –"
Severus turned to look at him finally and Harry swallowed around the painful lump in his throat. His eyes were shining with pure venom.
"Aren't you quite the nasty little hypocrite?" he growled in a low voice and Harry shivered much preferring yelling to this quiet rage. "No war to excuse you now, Potter." He spat. "Not a thing you need to be doing instead. And yet you sit here and you do nothing like the coward you really are."
Harry stared at him trying to calm down, trying to remember that this was not the man who, even as a portrait, had proclaimed his disdain for Harry Potter. It hurt even more somehow.
"It has never been the obstacle, Severus. I cannot bear to lose what little I have for the sake of disclosure. I will not bounce back, I know it in my bones." Harry said finding his eyes disgustingly brimming.
"He fancies you, Potter." Snape spat the words full of vitriol and he felt he had to stop this conversation and get out before suffocating.
He reached out to cover Snape's clenched fist on the table with his palm, squeezing once pleadingly as he shook his head slowly.
Severus retrieved his hand gingerly, studying him with his penetrating black eyes.
"I thought –" Harry shook his head again. "I didn't mean to pry." He said softly at last.
"I know. I didn't either." He said and Severus sighed.
"Clara is Charity Burbage's daughter, Potter. There is nothing to pry into."
Harry frowned as it dawned on him how stupid he must have seemed to Severus.
"I am a moron" he laughed. "I'm sorry"
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sure you had my well-being in mind." He smiled uncomfortably. "However, I'd like to hear no more of this."
"Understood."
"So mediwizard?" Harry laughed. "I've been wondering, it's not your modus operandi."
"No? Did I not paint the perfect picture of the selfless martyr?" Harry teased finding that once more he was free to breathe. "I learned a lot about healing in the past years. It just seemed stupid not to get the paper. And I didn't have much on my hands so it was a distraction."
"It was not a total waste of time then, coming back." Snape said and it sounded strange to Harry.
The man himself wore an impenetrable mask but Harry had keen ears for all the nuances of this voice and this particular inflection was not one he'd heard before.
"I never thought it was a waste of time."
"No, you said you ruined your life."
"I never should have said that. I only meant that it feels distant now. It's like I'm looking in on everybody through a thin veil. I haven't genuinely been part of their lives for years."
"Detachment."
"Yes, detachment. I don't know how to breach the distance."
"I expect it will come naturally with time." Harry chuckled to this.
"Not everything in this world can be solved with time."
"No, I am aware." He replied softly and then again something caught Harry's ears, something quite disconcerting.
"Severus?", the man looked up. "Are you alright?"
"As well as it is possible, so yes, Potter, I am quite alright."
No you're not, he thought, and I have no power to help you anymore.
Instead he said, "Will you teach me how to make Felix Felicis?" and Severus suddenly erupted in laughter.
"Thank you, Potter, for having the pleasure of speaking with you agenda-free for full twenty minutes."
Harry bit his lip trying to remain serious, "Will you?"
"I will." He said indignantly but then fell silent once more. "Do you mean to tell him once you drink it?"
Harry hadn't thought about it, "No." He said simply.
"Will you tell me?"
"No", he all but whispered.
"Your miniature gang is harassing a Hufflepuff now." He said by a way of entry but halted.
Severus was methodically slicing some herbs on a workbench his robes a few feet away haphazardly thrown over a chair. He'd never imagined the Potions professor without the usual garment with its thousand forbidding buttons, yet here he was, wearing a simple white muggle shirt with pushed up sleeves, the remnant of the dark mark like a faded out tattoo on his arm, visible even from the distance of the entryway. Harry gulped regretting coming in even as his feet led him to the bench of their own volition. Hypnotized, he gazed at the deft hands as they held the silver knife working with precision and considerable speed.
"I don't have a gang, Potter, I have students and you should have duct points." Severus said never taking his eyes off the task.
"How many points does one take for publicly outing a fellow student in Hogwarts?" Harry deadpanned looking away from him at last.
Severus stopped and turned his attention to Harry, "What did you do?"
"I was too preoccupied with the Hufflepuff to deal with them. The boy was mortified."
"I shall speak with them tonight after dinner."
"I almost transfigured them." He confessed propping himself on a bench as Severus snorted. "It is no laughing matter, it was a close call."
"I am sure you were terrifying", he said smirking.
"I was not terrifying." He admitted and the man chuckled."Merlin, it's hot in here, what are you doing?"
"Experimenting." He said simply.
"Experimenting with heat?"
"Steam."
"Ah," he smiled. "I always thought your wardrobe consisted of black robes and buttons."
Severus stopped to look at him, "The assumptions of all the student body no doubt."
Harry smiled at this and tuned to leave, "No doubt."
Harry spent all day at Godric's Hollow. He hadn't meant to splurge on guilt and sadness quite so much but once there, he couldn't seem to stop himself. It felt wrong somehow. He'd done what he had to, he'd fulfilled his heart's desire and even so, he was left unfulfilled and quite alone. Somehow being next to Severus made the whole ordeal even more painful. He could take no pleasure in seeing the man, in speaing with him – it was just one more reminder that he was stuck desperately wishing for something he couldn't have. He'd fucked up and even though in no way did he wish to take it back, to have him gone, Harry knew that he'd have to let go, that the smart thing was to pick the shambles of his life and build something tolerable for himself. And yet he dreaded the day he'd have to part with the opportunity to see Severus at breakfast, to walk several floors and to find him somewhere there busy but alive and breathing, smiling or angry, but vibrant, pulsating making him feel alive.
It was ten o'clock when he entered the castle and he felt very much like a ruin of a man.
"You're late, Potter." A silky voice called behind him and Harry turned bleary eyes and shadows hiding behind a threadbare glamour. "The feast ended hours ago."
"I'm not hungry.", he muttered voice too hoarse to hide from cursing, crying and shouting.
"I thought you might join me for a drink." Severus said suddenly close by, brushing past him towards the dungeon pathway.
"Sounds appropriate." He muttered to himself as he followed.
"Your choice of poison?", he asked like the perfect host lighting the candles on the wall mantels with his wand.
"Red wine if you have it." He didn't know why he'd said it exactly but it felt appropriate.
"Red wine it is." Severus said pouring two glasses and floating them to the table.
They sat together and the silence stretched as the candles flickered and cracked.
"Do you think about her?", Harry asked at last his voice cracking in the quiet room.
"I do…" he answered softly. "I think about how she loved flowers but she hated spinach – how she disbelieved divination and yet took the full course… I think about how she hated injustice and how furious she would get; how she disliked your father and how she changed her mind. I think how proud she would have been of you had she had the chance to see the man you have become."
Harry closed his eyes and felt the sadness swallow him once more.
"– Potter,"
Here he was again, Severus speaking and him too much in his head to listen. Suddenly the man was moving and a fresh wave of magic bristled past him caressing his skin. It took him a moment to register that his glamour was stripped as he got up enraged at the man, eyes red with burst blood vessels.
"You have no right –" he yelled trying to shove Snape away but the man merely used the motion to capture his arms in a firm grip.
No pretense, Severus had once again stripped him of the option to pretend his whole body didn't ache with all of his emotions trying to tear him apart.
"You have no right, " he growled dangerously. "Has it crossed your brilliant mind that I don't want to be seen right now?" he yelled.
Severus moved to pull him closer, "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I should have known, I should have come with you, I'm sorry, Harry"
He dropped like a doll in Severus' hands upon hearing his name and the man held him closer still, crushing him to his own body in a firm embrace.
"Is there a potion -? Is there a potion, Severus, that can make this go away?"
"No," he breathed. "But you can't drown yourself in guilt, I won't allow you, do you hear me?".
"It is my fault, you can't change that."
"I can since it is all mine."
Harry pushed away extracting himself from the very arms he'd dreamed of so many times.
"It's not, it was never your fault."
"You came back to save a life, Potter, you did nothing wrong. It is all my fault for guilting you into coming back. I saw your memories, remember? I made you hate me, then I made you regret that hate. I gave you no choice. It was my fault.", he said coldly. Harry thought it self-disdain.
"You're wrong." He spat. "It was not guilt that led me to this."
"Whatever it was, you shouldn't have done it. You should have left me die where I fell – where I was supposed to end up all along. Not lose years of your life and everyone you care about to cater after a spiteful teacher tired of life." Snape growled and somehow Harry knew this wasn't about reassuring him anymore. It felt raw and wrong and damn Snape for throwing it at him like this.
He stepped away slowly resuming his seat.
"You know nothing." He uttered quietly, equally as cold gesturing for Severus to sit. "You imagine that I lost my life, my time because of the mirror, but you're wrong. It is what I've always been meant to do, where I was always going to end up. Haven't you stopped to actually figure it out? Your heart's greatest desire, the way you felt, your desperation to stop the events from unfolding – this is what brought you to the mirror. Why do you expect it would be different for me?"
"What are you saying?"
"That I never had a choice. You are like poison, Snape. You burn inside me, slowly killing me –"
"I'm sorry –"
"You're…necessary."
Severus halted his eyes searching, suddenly suspicious. Harry felt a nudge in his mind, very mild and yet unmistakably there.
"Why?"
"Don't you dare deny me, Potter" he growled.
"I'm not denying, I'm asking why."
Snape reached and grabbed his arm forcefully and Harry couldn't think anymore. "I need to understand." The touch hurt like all of Severus' touches before it and he was so very tired of playing games ending in perpetual stalemate. It was time he lost and turned the page.
"If that's what you need." Was all he said before relaxing and once again meeting his gaze.
A young Severus and Harry were standing in the old bedroom of the Shrieking Shack.
"Look at me", Severus whispered.
"No, please.", the boy pleaded.
"You left me to die, Potter, look at me!"
"I can't…"
"You did this to me.", young Severus whispered and blood trickled from his neck.
"It wasn't me who did this."Severus dropped to the ground weaker and weaker
"It's okay Harry, I knew how much you hated me." He whispered.
Harry collapsed on his knees next to him grasping him desperately.
"I don't. Please, I don't hate you at all."
Ginny was at Harry's apartment, the two arguing.
"Oh, don't go acting so innocent. Snape's name. You're calling Snape's name in your sleep almost every night. And if I wasn't sure the git's dead I'd have left you by now."
It was the headmaster's office at Hogwarts, and Harry was speaking to the portrait of Severus.
"Did you – really hate me – that much?"
"No.", replied the portrait. "Much more than you can even begin to imagine, you foolish boy –" he was deterred by a quick and admonishing "Severus" by the portrait of Dumbledore, which didn't stop him from finishing the thought. "and before you ask – no, I didn't stop until the last drop of blood left my body."
"I see", whispered Harry and managed to leave before another word was said.
Harry was again at Hogwarts, kneeling beside the marble tomb of Dumbledore, visibly distressed.
"I'm right, aren't I? I must have made a mistake on the way for things to end up like this."I feel like – my life's not my own anymore – how did this happen? 'don't pity the dead, pity the living and above all those who live without love'", he cited with a disgusted expression. "Did Snape ever find love? How could he when he'd spent all his adult life loving a dead woman – taking care of her child, even though he hated it… It's just – too unfair… If he was alive I could do something – reciprocate for all those years he… Dead…for me to live. No, not even for me to live – without a proper reason – on a damn stupid whim of a psychopath! There was no reason… ah… I don't understand – how can his death move me more than my own problems after all this time?"
Harry rested his head on the tombstone. Something glittering through the grass grabbed his attention. He moved slightly to see better and frowned when he found his own face there. He laughed aloud and moved closer.
"Shouldn't I be seeing my heart's desire? I only see myself staring back…ah. Does that mean I'm the happiest man alive?"
"Do you wish to see your heart's desire?"
"Tell me, what do I desire?", he asked after a fashion.
"Wouldn't it be better if I showed you? Wouldn't it be even better if I took you there?"
"There? Where?"
"Why to your heart's desire, silly. But you won't be able to come back."
"How do you even know what I desire when I myself have no idea?"
"Easy. If it isn't I can't take you to it. If it is, then I will."
"Easy you say… Okay, take me – anywhere's better than here anyways.",
The ground beneath his feet disappeared – not that he needed it, it seemed. In a flash everything was gone but he himself and the mirror in front of him. In its surface now stood Snape in full height.
"You were too late, but now you are in time. Touch only what you have to save and leave the rest alone or it will leave you behind."
Harry made to remove Severus from his mind but the man pushed stronger somehow than he remembered.
The two of them were in Severus' living room and Harry had inclined forward in his chair speaking to him.
"Every passing moment is a thought of that one person, and every thought is pure sweet agony. Every touch we have shared, every word, every glance are burnt inside my mind. Awake or dreaming, I yearn to be able to reach, to hold, caress, protect…even just a fleeting touch if it may be welcome, would be enough. So no, I'm not infatuated.", he finished bitterly
Next Hermione and Harry were in the Gryffindor common room. Harry had dark circles under his eyes, he looked nothing like his usual self.
"Harry,", she almost chided. "you only ever have light in your eyes when you come back from the dungeons. I might have noticed it earlier and attributed it to respect or mentorship or anything innocent, but it was obvious what it was after you took no interest in Cho's blatant attempts to corner you or in any others' advances."
Harry sighed deeply. "I'm hopeless. I only want him to be happy you see. It's a beautiful irony that his happiness should lie in me being as far away as possible."
Harry was sitting on the ground outside the tent in the Forest of Dean gazing at the bonfire.
"You're thinking of him, aren't you?", Hermione approached him from the entrance.
Harry didn't move a muscle to respond, the trace of a single tear still wet on his face.
"Always"
"Oh, Harry…"
Harry pushed against the intrusion once more but he was met with such ferocity and sheer will that he felt the stupid bubble popping for the first time in his life.
What followed were incoherent strings of exchanges, words, touches, emotions and he felt like his head was going to explode.
Instead Severus finally retreated from his mind and Harry sagged against the armchair closing his eyes.
"I shouldn't have let you.", he muttered exhausted.
"I should think I had the right to know."
Harry opened his eyes to see a distant and somehow sad expression on Snape. It wasn't pity. Not yet.
"You have the right to know only what I want to tell you, Severus."
"How… When?"
"I don't know. Feels like forever at this point."
"Ridiculous", Severus breathed and lifted the glass to his lips.
"I don't expect anything from you."
"As if you've ever." Snape muttered looking absently at the floor.
"Oh I have, I always expected the worst."
Severus looked up fixing Harry with an empty look.
"And I always delivered."
"And you always delivered."
"You saved my life in more ways than one, four times in fact. The first before you could walk." Harry huffed out a breath feeling pinned by the black eyes. "You gave my life a new purpose when I thought I'd lost it all. You were the first living soul to defend me when I was clearly wrong. You showed me trust when I had none myself. And you showed me my life was worth saving. I never even thanked you."
"I never expected you to. I didn't do it for your gratitude, Severus, but for my own sanity, do you see?"
"I see I've made you scared."
"Terrified."
"We are the same in one crucial and ugly aspect, you said. I've thought about it a lot, I could never figure it out until now."
"It's one person that gives our lives a purpose." Harry said bitterly.
Snape stood crossing the distance between them turning Harry's chin so he would face him.
"We are both utter fools who can't see what's right under our noses." He murmured. "I've cursed myself for needing you. I've tried to push you away to get you out of my mind but it never worked, Potter."
The feeling of his skin under his fingertips when Harry caressed the side of his face felt like revelation. Severus' hand joined Harry's pushing it firm and insistent and before he could think, there were lips touching his, igniting him from the inside. He couldn't think, he didn't know if the desperation that swallowed him was his or Severus' but suddenly he was standing, grasping, pushing the other man back until they both hit the desk behind them. Severus groaned as Harry grasped the back of his neck in a firm caress and Harry gave him no time, deepening the kiss until he responded. The first touch of Severus' hot tongue was a jolt of pure electricity and Harry couldn't help but push his body forward into the welcoming heat, gasping as he felt the hard erection underneath the other man's robes. He pushed for support at the man's neck suddenly dizzy and they leaned on one another trying to breathe.
"I can't stop." Severus murmured and it sounded delightfully broken.
Harry leaned in kissing and licking along the man's jaw and neck his hands grasping at his robes to pull him closer until their bodies met again in a delicious agony. He was drowning at last in his desire for this man and he did not intend to survive. He snaked a hand to cover Snape's cock through his clothes, his free one pulling against the man's robes in an urgent need to taste more of his skin with his lips.
Harry growled in frustration passing once over the endless buttons with his magic, furious with desire and they obliged popping open as Severus groaned beneath him.
He pushed at Harry, turning him around, grinding against him and he gasped desperately wishing for more. He bent down to bite his neck as his hand grasped Harry's cock. A few firm strokes was all it took to send him over the edge and he leaned against the older man as he too spent deliciously underneath all those layers of clothing.
Severus nuzzled against his face purring in content. "You owe me a set of robes, Potter.", he murmured and Harry laughed breathlessly.
"I'd prefer you without them any day."
"We have waited too long." Severus breathed as the younger man turned around to face him.
"I've waited for this for so long without believing it would actually come and now I don't know what to do with it."
"You could try actually living for once." Severus said softly.
"I'm not sure I even know how."
"Oh I'm sure we can think of something." The man laughed and moved to seal their lips once more.