Entry 6: Finding Balance
The last few weeks have been spent working through the dynamics of our new household. With Michael gone, there is a new sense of permanence to Tony and Sam being here: the unspoken message being that we all missed each other and are glad we're back together. There's been a more concerted effort on everyone's part to make this work, and issues that would have been alarming to me two months ago are now just par for the course. I'm still carrying a bit of guilt at having fallen for Michael again so easily, and subsequently turning so many lives upside-down, but if that's what it took to finally put an end to our charade of a marriage, then I must believe it was worth it.
Jonathan has dealt with his father's departure remarkably well, probably since watching Michael walk out the door was nothing new for him. This time, however, he refrained from asking when his father would return. A part of me is devastated that my son will be denied his father, as I was. And to make matters worse, Jonathan will always know Michael chose not to be a part of his life. He never even asked me for visitation, just walked out the door. But whatever hurt and disappointment Jonathan was feeling seemed to vanish the second Tony and Sam pulled into the drive in that beat-up blue van. And I can't deny that I felt a few butterflies of excitement at the familiar sight. It really was like a homecoming.
Except, Tony didn't have to come back. He had a wonderful job, in the classiest neighborhood, with more responsibility and certainly better pay. And yet he came back after I allowed Michael to waltz back in here and virtually kick him out. I don't think I'm quite ready to think about what that makes me feel, and I was too embarrassed to ask him why he did it. I just accepted it, and he never offered further explanation.
And things soon fell into a very comfortable routine. Mother loves her apartment, and although she is here at the house more often, we've been getting along rather well, considering. She certainly has a soft spot for Tony, and the two of them are often sparing over one thing or another. Jonathan and Samantha are behaving more and more like siblings – bickering about everything – as I am trying to learn how to deal with two children living as brother and sister, but whose parents are decisively not a couple. Thankfully, I haven't been forced into the role of disciplinarian with Sam too often, and I can usually defer to Tony. For the most part, we try not to undermine one another's authority. I know that as the person who is here during the day, Tony must be allowed certain authority over Jonathan, and likewise, if the kids are fighting and I'm the first one to intervene, I send both to their rooms. It's not an easy dance, but weave navigated it so far without stepping on one another's toes.
Tony has us up and ready by seven every morning, with breakfast on the table at seven-thirty. The kids are out the door twenty minutes later, and then I'm off to the train station. It is such a relief to have confidence in the person you trust with your child. I have no fears where Tony is concerned, and our relationship has really balanced itself out. Such a quick turnabout for someone who thrived on definitions and visible boundaries. But with Tony, as with no one else, we're really starting to operate as a team, our respective roles rarely an issue anymore. I am coming to accept that I did not hire a conventional housekeeper, and I have some obligation to adjust to Tony's more unconventional ways. Still, it's always there, in the back of my mind, that regardless of our growing familiarity, I'm still his employer.
And as his employer, I am perplexed at how Tony spends his free time. I hardly expect twenty-four hour service, but when Tony's responsibilities end for the day – or even the week – he can still be found puttering around the house, maybe "shooting hoops," tinkering with the cars, doing some house maintenance, or playing with the kids. Lately, we've found ourselves piled on the couch watching a scary movie with the kids and then talking with each other after they go to bed. He has no obligation to be here, but yet he is. He occasionally has a date, or I do (though not often), and once in a while he heads into Brooklyn, but those nights are rare. Usually, he's here with Sam and Jonathan – and me.
In any event, I guess one could say we've found a rhythm, and even if those around us are amused and confused by our arrangement, it's working for us. For once in my life, I can honestly say that as long as I'm happy, and the people around me are happy, that's all that matters to me.