Entry 7: Sam's First Dance
Tonight was Samantha's first school dance! She was so adorable in her new dress, with her hair pulled back and Mother's "antique" pin on her lapel. I couldn't have been any more proud if she were my daughter. She is growing up so fast. That may sound odd coming someone who's known her for less than a year, but just in the time she's been here, I've seen her go from a streetwise tomboy to a poised young lady. I think she'll always be her father's daughter, as well she should be – always proud of her Brooklyn past and Italian heritage, and more interested in the Mets than the Met – but I can already see Tony's dream for her coming true.
And I feel so honored to be a part of her life. It's so heart-warming knowing I played a role in providing a better life for this little girl, and perhaps, maybe, one day I can be something more to her than her father's boss. We've already formed a tentative friendship, but if trying to juggle a business and personal relationship with Tony is hard, knowing my role with his daughter is a feat of acrobatic proportions.
I just wish I could get through to Tony, though, about Sam's need for space. I imagine that he has many of the same thoughts about my relationship with Jonathan. We both hold our children so close for fear of losing them as we did our spouses, though Tony's loss was one of pain and grief and mine bordered on relief. Either way, we both lost, as did our children.
And yet here we are, sharing these special moments, trying to do our best with what we have. And so far, it seems to be working. Tony has provided Jonathan with a stable, confidant, and loving male role model, and I can only hope I've set the kind of example for Samantha that Tony would want.
He learned a hard lesson tonight about raising a 12-year-old daughter, and I think he recognizes now that he has to view his behavior through Sam's eyes. She wanted so much be seen as a young adult, with her shy and stumbling – though very sweet – date. And Tony, bless his overreacting little heart, wouldn't give them a moment of peace, going as far as to accompany them to the dance as a chaperone. And it's moments like this that leave me wondering what my role is in their life. Should I have intervened and warned Tony against going? Was it my place? As it was, I stayed quiet, believing that I had no right to deny Tony this time with Sam, even if I suspected Sam would have preferred otherwise. Sometimes parents and children have to find their own way.
In other news of a decidedly less sentimental nature, I managed to be spared a near-disastrous fifteen minutes of fame a few weeks back when Bobbie Barnes mercifully pulled her "illicit" profile segment from production. I never imagined agreeing to be featured on a local news show would end up bringing me within a hair's breadth of being the new "scandal du jour." I'm still not sure what Mother said to Bobbi during their "chat," but whatever it was, it worked. And I am ever so grateful.
Tony and I have had our share of cringe-inducing moments since he moved in, and I'm sure there are more to come. But the fact that an innocent family mix-up could be broadcast to all of Connecticut like some tawdry grocery store tabloid story was so terrifyingly unfair. How dare she misconstrue what happened that night and turn Tony and me into some kind of public punchline? And we were powerless to stop it. Even a lawsuit would have taken years to see through, and it would have done nothing to prevent the clip of Tony and me walking out of Sam's bedroom together from airing in more households than I care to count.
Admittedly, the truth of how we ended up in the same bed was more than a little complicated. In fact, I'm not entirely sure I follow how it happened. But I know that Sam's bed was empty when I crawled in it! And yes, I trust Tony when he says he didn't know it was me under the covers. But in this case, the "means" don't justify the "ends," especially when said "ends" would be ratings gold for a small-town show like Eye on Hartford.
But in the end, (yep, I made a pun in my own journal!) disaster was at least averted, and I'm quite content to keep my private life private from here on out. It will be a long time before I open myself up to any kind of public exposure like that again. Tony and I haven't brought it up between us since we saw the broadcast on the praying mantis, but I'm pretty sure he feels quite the same.
And when I wake up in bed with a man, especially if that man is my housekeeper, I definitely want to remember what precipitated it!