Part One: Her Secret

Chapter Five: Wearing the inside out

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Kari cursed under her breath as she paced back and forth between the bedroom and balcony doors. In a fit of rage, she threw her hands into the air and kicked one of her indoor shoes across the room. How could she have been so stupid? She let out a long exhale as she tried to calm down. The answer to her question was obvious, it had been Tai; her kryptonite. The more he'd talked, the more she'd involuntarily opened up to him. Just like a flower exposed to the sun. Yes, she'd gotten angry when led to believe he was spying on her. However, after that, she had slowly started to engage with him. Culminating in her agreeing to go shopping and for lunch with him tomorrow. Not to mention that hug he'd sprung on her. She'd thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest.

Her eyes closed as she drowned in the memory. Tai's strong arms wrapping around her, instantly making her feel safe. The fabric of his shirt rubbing against her cheek as she'd taken a deep breath in through her nose. His scent, a mix of fresh grass, honey and lavender, had been a feast for her nose. Then there had been the warmth radiating from his chest and the brief moment when she'd been able to hear his heartbeat. The only thing she wished she could change was the fact that she had not returned the hug. So worried about exposing her true feelings, she had failed to show any. She hoped Tai had not felt hurt by it. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. Even though she knew that someday she would have to do so irreparably.

There was nothing more she could do about it, Kari eventually reasoned. She had survived tonight and would just have to find a way to keep control of herself tomorrow. Stripping off her jeans and t-shirt, she pulled on some cotton pyjamas and picked up her mp3 player and headphones. She'd listen to one album now before bed and try to squeeze in two tomorrow morning before they left to go into town. Climbing under the covers she set her alarm clock, turned out the lights and started The Songs of Distant Earth from the beginning. Tomorrow was going to be heaven and hell at exactly the same time.

##

Tears glistened on Kari's cheeks atop a sea of crimson; like tiny ruby's. Her reddish-brown eyes, so full of love and devotion, struggled to look into the bright chocolate orbs of her brother. Lip trembling, she uttered those three simple words that were often said too much, yet at the same time, not enough.

"I love you."

Tai immediately put a hand around her head and pulled her into his chest. For a moment he simply held her, his other hand gently rubbing her back. "I love you too, Kari," he eventually replied, his voice strong yet also caring and compassionate.

"No," Kari mumbled, a fresh wave of tears washing down her cheeks and soaking her brother's t-shirt. "You don't."

"Kari, how could you possibly say that," Tai replied, sounding both taken aback and hurt.

"Because it's true," she wailed. Balling a hand into a fist she beat it softly against his strong chest. "You don't love me. At least not in the way I love you." She took a breath. Here it came, the moment she had been dreading for over two years. And she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it, the weight of her secret having become too much to bear. Pulling free from his embrace, Kari looked Tai directly in the eyes. "I don't just love you, Tai. I'm in love with you."

Her brother's eyes widened and his mouth fell open, "Kari…" was all his stunned lexicon could come up with.

Then, without warning, he shoved her away from him. Caught off guard Kari staggered backwards before losing her balance completely and crashing to the ground. Tai towered over her, a look of disgust smeared across his face. She'd never seen his features contorted into such revilement.

"What kind of sick, twisted individual are you?" he asked rhetorically.

"T...T...Tai..." she mumbled, but he cut her off.

"You disgust me, Kari. Don't ever talk to me or come near me again. You're sick." He turned and started to walk away.

"Tai...brother...I'm sorry!" Kari wailed as she watched him go. Each of his words having struck her like a knife and then been twisted. "Don't leave me..."

"Take your depraved and diseased little mind somewhere else, Degenerate."

"Tai!"

##

Kari sat bolt upright, cold sweat running down the back of her neck and panting for breath. Instinctively she froze, listening to hear if she'd yelled her brothers name out loud. Silence. Either Tai was in too deep a sleep to have heard anything, or she'd only screamed in her nightmare. Sucking in a slow breath of humid air, she glanced at her alarm clock; 6:34. There was no point going back to sleep now. Besides, she typically found herself wide awake after enduring that nightmare.

Sliding out of bed, Kari absentmindedly picked up her mp3 player and headphones and slipped out onto the balcony. The early morning air was warm but a light breeze gave it a refreshing sort of feel. Out towards the horizon, she could see the sun steadily rising against a backdrop of pale blue. Today would be a good day. Pulling on her headphones, she selected Hergest Ridge. This album had a nice, delicate opening and was a perfect way to start the day... a perfect way to take her mind away from the nightmare. Although to label it such was a slight misnomer. For it actually had a dual nature. The scenario was always the same. She would be crying and tell Tai she loved him. He'd then console her and assume she simply meant 'love' in the acceptable brother-sister dynamic. Then she'd tell him. At that point, he'd either reject her with disgust or confess his love for her. The latter being a fantasy from which she hoped never to wake. Except the dream had not gone down that route in over a month. She stood out on the balcony and stared out over the waking city for the entire duration of the album. The silence when it finished snapping her back to reality.

Kari walked away from the railing and back into her bedroom. Sliding the balcony door shut, she glanced over at the clock; 7:15. She'd probably best go shower now. That way she could listen to more music while making breakfast and before Tai rolled out of bed; he really did like to sleep in. Making her way out of the bedroom and to the bathroom, Kari turned on the shower and slipped off her pyjamas. The water was cool when she stepped inside but felt quite refreshing so she decided to leave it. Taking her time, she washed her hair and body, before allowing the high-pressure water to rain down upon her. Closing her eyes, she started playing a segment from another Oldfield composition from memory. The multiple layers of instrumentation along with the complexity of the piece meant it required a great deal of concentration. Making it an excellent way to focus her mind and rid it of gnawing thoughts about Tai.

After five minutes, the water temperature started to dip. It was time to get dried. Exiting the cubical, Kari grabbed a fresh fluffy white towel from the rack and started to dry herself. All the while her mind continuing to play the music. Wrapping the white bath sheet around her slender frame, she left the bathroom. Returning to her bedroom her eyes scanned the apartment for any sign that her brother had risen from his slumber; nothing. Back inside her sanctuary she finished with the towel and used a blow drier to dry her hair. She then went to the wardrobe. What to wear? Instinctively she shifted the bulk of her clothes, i.e. those her mother had bought for her, aside and instead focused on the small selection she'd purchased herself recently. Tai had finally woken up to the fact that she was no longer the little girl he remembered and so she felt no need to shoehorn herself into an outfit she hated. Instead, she could go out and be herself today. After several minutes of pondering, she eventually settled on last nights ripped black jeans, an orange t-shirt sporting a blue anarchy symbol and a short blue denim jacket. For footwear, she pulled out a left converse from a red pair and a right from a green pair. She'd put them on when they were about to leave the apartment. Sitting down at her desk, she carefully painted her nails in alternate colours to match her shoes. Finally, she applied some dark eye shadow but left her lips clean. She stood and stared at herself in the mirror. Gone was the child who wielded the power of light and in her place... an angst-ridden teen that she could now relate with. The only remnant of her old self was her hair. She'd love to dye it, but her mom would probably flip at the suggestion so she hadn't bothered to ask. Unfortunately, her parents still held the image of their perfect daughter and couldn't see past it. However, for today at least, she had no intention of being that girl.

Taking her mp3 player with her, Kari headed back to the bathroom. A quick rummage in the cupboard under the sink and she found what she was looking for; a tube of hair wax. Squeezing some into her hand, she rubbed it through her hair until it had gone all messed up and spikey. Much better she thought as she admired her handiwork in the mirror. Leaving the bathroom once more, she pulled on her headphones and wasted no time in selecting Tubular Bells on her mp3 player. She felt a cold rush as the haunting piano and glockenspiel notes opened the first piece. It was almost surreal she realised upon walking into the empty kitchen. Being out with the confines of her bedroom and both looking and feeling like herself. Indeed, it stirred something deep inside her that she could only categorise as... happiness. An involuntary smile formed on her lips. She could not recall the last time she'd actually felt this way. While it was not a jump for joy sort of thing, she felt liberated. And even though she knew it couldn't last, she intended to enjoy the time she had. So long as she could keep her emotions in check, spending the whole day with Tai would be wonderful. Somewhere in the back of her mind, an alarm bell began to ring but she quashed it. Time to make breakfast.

Fetching some bread, she dropped it into the toaster. Call it a western influence, but neither she nor Tai were fans of having fish and rice for breakfast. When it was done, she spread some raspberry jam over it and sat down it down on the table with a glass of fresh orange juice. She ate while enjoying the music. Just as she was finishing she saw the door to Tai's room opening. She glanced over at the clock; 8:05. Wow, this must be some sort of record, her brother out of bed before 10 am on a Saturday without having soccer practice or a match. She laughed internally as she watched him stagger towards the bathroom. Out of bed, yes, awake... not quite. Her heart fluttered slightly. Tai was so cute when just out of bed. While he showered, Kari put on a pot of coffee. He would probably need it once he managed to make his way to the table.

By the time the sailor's hornpipe wrapped up her album, Tai reappeared and made his way to the kitchen.

"Coffee?" Kari asked, holding up the pot.

Tai rubbed his eyes which instantly turned wide as he stared at her.

She gave him a smile and repeated her question, "would you like some coffee, Tai?"

"Kari... wow..." he uttered, robotically moving over to the table and sitting down.

She blushed slightly at what she took to be a compliment. Pouring coffee into a waiting cup, she slid it over to him. "Why don't I make you some breakfast? Getting up at 8 am on a Saturday doesn't seem to agree with you."

Tai shook his head before giving her a nod. Kari stood up from where she sat and purposefully walked passed him. Deliberately giving him a full view of her new look. For the second time, that morning the alarm bell in her head started to chime, only for the rest of her brain to metaphorically shove it in a box and seal it shut. Sliding behind the kitchen worktop she put some more bread in the toaster then fixed her brother a bowl of cereal. Which she passed over to him alongside a glass of orange juice.

"I... like... your... outfit..." she heard him say around spoonful's of cereal as he began to attack the bowl.

"Thanks," she replied as she fetched a plate for his toast.

OMG, he likes our outfit, a voice yelled excitedly inside her head. Don't over analyse this, a second cautioned. He simply gave you a compliment, nothing more. It does not mean that he's suddenly decided he's in love with you. He's just being nice like any normal brother. The sudden popping of the toaster drew her out of the internalised struggle. Spreading it with jam, she came to the only reasonable conclusion. Tai would never return her feelings. This compliment was simply him being nice. However, since she had agreed to go into town with him, she could at least enjoy herself. Surely one day of happiness wouldn't cause her secret to spill. After which she could return to keeping a safe distance. Placing the plate of toast down on the table in front of Tai, she retrieved his now-empty bowl and her own crockery.

"So where do you want to go in town?" Tai then asked, managing to say the full sentence in-between only two bites.

She thought for a moment while she filled the sink. "I wouldn't mind going to the CD store. I'm feeling the need for a new album to listen to," she paused as an idea came to her. Looking Tai straight in the eyes she said, "and I want to go to ."

The last piece of Tai's toast stopped en-route to his mouth, which hung open.

She gave him a smile as she imagined his thought process. Before last night, , the hub of all things goth, punk, Lolita and steampunk, was not a store his innocent 'angel of light' would ever have wanted to shop in. This would certainly test how far he was willing to accept that she had changed.

"Ok…" Tai then said, apparently still digesting more than just his breakfast, "we can go there… if you like."

"It's exactly where I want to go," she replied firmly, "but also the CD shop. And somewhere we can get ice cream."

A smile slowly formed on her brothers face as she offered him some connection to the old her; she still liked ice cream after all. "Sure thing, anywhere else?"

"Nope, I'm good. Have you finished with that plate?"

Tai stared between his empty plate and the corner of toast he still held clasped in his right hand. He let out a cheerful laugh, "guess 8 am on a Saturday really doesn't agree with me, huh."

"Not one bit," Kari laughed, reaching over to take the plate from his outstretched hand. "You might want to have another mug of coffee before we leave, Brother."

Tai responded by pouring himself another mug and then looking around helplessly for the milk and sugar. He looked up at her questioningly, "I drank that first mug black, didn't I?"

She giggled when a sour look spread across his face as if his taste buds had retrospectively supplied his brain with the taste of strong black coffee. After depositing the now clean plate in the drying rack, she decided to take pity on him. Fetching the milk and sugar, she added it to his mug before sliding back into her seat.

"So where do you want to go, Tai?"

"I should probably start looking for a new pair of football boots, my old ones are on their way out."

"Sounds like a plan."

She watched as Tai drained the coffee cup and then stood up. "Guess we should get going," he said with a smile.

Kari rose from her chair and followed him towards the door. Receiving a quizzical look when she laced up her odd shoes.

"I get the feeling I'm in for a lot more surprises when it comes to you this weekend," Tai said in amusement.

Kari opened the front door and then turned to face him, "you have no idea," she said with a knowing smile. However, internally she lamented the fact that he never would.

After Tai locked the apartment door the pair made their way towards the stairs. One day couldn't hurt, Kari reminded herself as the alarm bell tried to break out of its confinement. What harm could possibly come from one shopping trip?