Part One: Her Secret
Chapter Eight: Speak to me
Tai panted for breath amidst a bout of laughter as he finally pinned Kari on her back. Through blurry eyes, he could see her reddish-brown orbs beneath her new lit match hairdo. She really did suit it, however, it was going to take some getting used to. He gave her a loving smile. He'd missed having such a close relationship with her. Before he knew what was happening, Kari pushed her head up towards his and he felt her lips latch on to his own. Stunned, he was unable to do anything as she kissed him. For that was exactly what she had just done. When she lowered her head back to the floor, Tai just stared at her. He had no idea what to say or do. Instead, his eyes locked on to those of his sister. For a brief moment, she looked about as shocked as he felt, as though someone had stabbed them both unawares. However, as the seconds ticked by in the deathly silence of the apartment, he saw the shock turn to horror and then finally to fear.
In a flash, Kari somehow managed to push him off of her and scrambled to her feet. Slightly winded, Tai could only watch as she bolted across the living room and into her bedroom. When he finally managed to take in enough air, he yelled after her, "Kari, wait!" but it was a wasted effort. The door slammed shut with enough force that it was a surprise it had not broken through the frame.
Struggling to his feet, the memory of what had happened only moments ago buzzing around inside his head, he darted over to his sister's door. What on earth had just happened? One second he'd managed to pin her, the next... He could still taste the sweetness from her soft lips on his own. Why on earth had Kari kissed him? And why had she forcibly thrown him aside and bolted? Was she that embarrassed about it? It had been an accident after all. Or some way of her getting the final say after he'd pinned her… Hadn't it? He knocked lightly on her door. Whatever the reason, they needed to talk about it. Before it had the opportunity to ruin what had been a great day.
"Kari," he called out when she did not respond. He knocked again, "Kari."
He took a breath and hesitated before gripping the handle. He'd rather not barge in, but if she wasn't going to answer then he was left with no other choice. Pulling the handle down he pushed the door, but it wouldn't open. Damn, she'd locked it. His options had now dwindled to break down the door, yell at her until she responded or wait until she came out. He liked none of those options. While he could easily kick in the door, it would probably scare the hell out of her and land him in serious trouble when his parents got home. Yelling, while not likely to bring his parents down atop him, would not help matters. The last thing Kari needed right now was to think that he was mad at her. That only left the waiting game. Turning around he pressed his back to the door and slid down it into a sitting position.
"Kari," he said in a calm voice, "I'm not mad at you. Just open the door and we can talk about it."
Silence.
"If you change your mind, I'll be right here waiting for you."
Tai closed his eyes and began to regulate his breathing. In his mind, he kept replaying the incident. The tussle between them that had led to him pinning her. Their shared bout of laughter amidst ragged breaths. The feel of her soft lips as they touched his own. And then the look in her eyes. How it had changed from shock to horror and then to fear. The first made perfect sense, for it had come as a shock to him too. The second was understandable. He was her brother and she'd just kissed him. He could see why she might feel horrified at what she'd done. However, the third puzzled him. Why had she looked so afraid? Was she that worried about how he would react? Did she expect him to yell at her or something to that effect? The question continued to circle around his head as he slowly began to feel his backside go numb from sitting on the wooden floor. If only there was some other way he could reach her. Some other way into her bedr…
Tai leapt to his feet, a half-formed idea still cobbling itself together inside his head. There was another way into her room; the balcony. Darting towards the door to their parent's room, he skidded to a halt in front of the door and practically barrelled through it. I'm coming, Kari, he thought as he reached the door to their balcony. He turned to his left and saw his goal. His parent's room was directly beside Kari's and so too the respective balcony's. He walked over to the edge. There was a gap of about four or five feet between them. He could jump that. Deep inside, Tai felt his courage glow. It was his defining trait after all. If there was danger involved when trying to save someone he cared about, he would find the strength to overcome it. This time it was Kari, his sister, the person he cared about the most. Without further hesitation, he climbed up onto the edge of his parent's balcony. Fortunately, no one else was outside to witness his daring feet.
Taking a deep breath, he propelled himself forward. Clearing the opposite edge, he landed on the ground with a heavy thud that surely would have drawn her attention. He turned his head and stared through the glass. Kari was huddled on the floor with her back against the bedframe. As expected, his landing had drawn her attention. Her reddish-brown eyes, usually so bright and full of light, were puffy and the rims now a matching colour. One simple glance was enough for him to see how distraught she looked. He could also see that tears still clung to her cheeks in two wet lines that snaked their way down her face. The sight was too much for him to bear. Seeing his sister in so much pain and anguish felt agonising. Instinctively, he gave her a soft smile as he stood up. Reaching out a hand he slid the glass door open and stepped inside her room.
##
Kari looked into her brothers chocolate eyes and could see the shock her kiss had elicited in him. What had she done? While the simple answer was obvious, it was the ramifications of her actions that bombarded her mind. How could she have lost control like that and kissed him? That did not matter now. Oh god, what would Tai think? How would he react once the shock wore off? Images from her nightmares flooded Kari's mind and she realised that she could not bear to find out. Adrenaline pumping through her system, her primal fight or flight instinct kicked in and she found the strength to shove Tai off of her. Scrambling to her feet she bolted from the living room, never turning her head to look back at her brother. She heard him call after her, but she did not have the mental capacity to discern whether he sounded angry or concerned. She just had to get away from him.
Reaching her bedroom door, she flung it open, stumbled across the threshold, then slammed it shut. There was a faint click as she locked the door, but to Kari, it sounded like a heavy iron bolt being slid across and sealing her inside her prison. For this was where she would have to stay. As she could not stand to face Tai as he denounced her as this wicked, sinful, degenerate creature that should be shunned by everyone for her diseased and depraved mind. Staggering a few steps forward, Kari collapsed to the floor and huddled herself against the edge of her bed frame. Tears began to run down her cheeks, like water from a mountain top that would someday flow into a river. Her skin felt cold like she had been dunked in a bathtub full of ice. And inside her head, she could feel the little creatures that were the manifestation of her darkest thoughts start to gnaw.
How could she have been so stupid as to trust herself around Tai for an entire day? If she had not succumbed to her own lust for his attention this would never have happened. All she had needed to do was say no to him and kept herself inside her room for the duration of the weekend. Sure he would have felt bummed out about it, but at least it would have spared him from the dark truth that was surely well formed inside his head now. Or better yet, she should have plucked up the courage to kill off what remained of their sibling relationship, even if it had made him hate her. Only one of the voices chose that moment to twist the knife. "You would have hurt him simply to protect yourself. And you're supposed to be in love with him. Your pathetic, Kari Kamiya. A pathetic, worthless excuse for a human being. You deserve each and every horrible thing he has to say to you."
The voice inside her head continued its relentless assault on her and there was nothing Kari could do to stop it. Helpless, she felt herself being dragged down to the bottom of the black hole of despair. So absorbed in her own swirling pit of self-loathing, she was completely oblivious to the fact that Tai was talking to her from the other side of the door.
"Please... stop," Kari pleaded in a desperate whisper. As though it was someone or something other than her own head that was torturing her.
"Why? Why should I stop? This is your fault, Kari Kamiya. You and your wicked, sinful, twisted thoughts. You created me."
"I...I..." her voice was barely audible, the broken whisper of someone pleading to escape a fate they knew was inevitable, "I... never meant for this to happen."
"Never meant for what to happen," the voice hissed, "never meant to fall in love with your own brother, your own flesh and blood? You're deplorable, Kari Kamiya, a wretched creature that's created all her own misery. Not to mention the people you've hurt along the way."
"I… I… I… never wanted to hurt anyone."
"But you did anyway. You remember the look in TK's eyes when you broke his heart. You led that poor boy along like a puppet on a string for an entire year, making him believe you loved him, before ripping his heart out. All because you wanted to hide from your own depravity."
"No," Kari cried, "it wasn't like that. I thought I could..."
"Thought you could what?" the voice cut in, "thought you could learn to love him the way you do Tai? Were you really that naive? Did you honestly think you could make yourself fall in love with some surrogate? You're pathetic!"
"No... I... I..."
"Then there was the big fight. Four boys beating the hell out of each other. And all because of you. You're the reason the DigiDestined can no longer get together. You're the reason Tai can't hang out with his two best friends. Did you ever think about that? You ruined two of your brother's friendships all because he had to take your side."
"I never asked him to."
"But that's what you wanted. To have your courageous brother leap in and save you. For him to profess his love for you and take you away to somewhere the two of you could live happily ever after." The voice let out a cruel laugh that chilled Kari to her core. "I'll admit, it's a nice dirty little fantasy. Shame it'll never be true. He hates you now, Kari. Do you hear me? Tai hates..."
"SHUT UP!" Kari yelled, her fingernails digging into a patch of skin that was accessible through one of the rips in her jeans. Her body physically shook and her eyes were wide.
From outside she heard a loud thud. Her head turned to look out the glass doors that led to her bedroom balcony. She could not believe what she saw, Tai. How had he... it didn't matter. Her brother had come. Except she had no idea if he were to be her saviour or her condemner.
##
Slowly, in a manner to how one might approach a terrified animal, Tai crossed the distance between the balcony door and where his sister sat. Gently, he sat down on the floor beside her. She shrank away slightly but did not try to leave; always a good start. He opened his mouth to say something, only to realise that he had no idea what it should be. Eventually, after failing to come up with anything better, he decided to use the somewhat idiotic, but decidedly neutral, "Kari, are you ok?"
She didn't reply, simply kept staring at him with those eyes so full of fear and despair. He waited for a few moments before trying again, "Kari, please talk to me. Whatever's wrong, please let me help." When this too failed to elicit any sort of response, he reached out his arm to wrap around her shoulders.
Immediately she shrank away from him again, "Tai... please... don't," she whispered in a voice so fragile that he was surprised he'd even been able to hear it. "Please... just leave me be."
The feelings of pain and anguish that his sister was radiating were almost too much for him the bear. It had only been one kiss. A momentary lapse of reason on her part certainly, but surely not enough to result in this. There was no doubt in Tai's mind that he had to stay. He had to find out what was wrong with her and try to help her. "I'm sorry, Kari, but I can't leave you like this. I care about you too much just to walk away. But you need to let me help you."
No sooner had the words escaped his mouth, Kari burst into tears. Instinctively, he reached out and pulled her into a hug. She did not resist this time, however, he suspected that she simply lacked the energy to do so. Arms wrapped around her shaking body, Tai began to gently rub her back. "It's going to be ok," he whispered in her ear.
How long passed before Kari next spoke, he did not know. When eventually she broke the silence the first thing she said was, "Tai, I'm so sorry. Please just leave me. I don't deserve to have you here."
"Kari... how can you possibly think that. You're the kindest, most selfless person I know."
"No, I'm not," she cried, her voice full of anguish. "I'm a horrible, depraved creature that deserves nothing but misery."
Tai could not believe what his sister had just said. "Kari, you're not horrible and you're not depraved. How can you possibly think that about yourself."
Kari pulled herself away from his chest and looked him straight in "Because I love you!" she wailed.
A look of confusion spread across Tai's face. "I love you too, Kari. I'm your brother. I'll always love you," he said, trying to reassure her, though about what he did not know.
Kari shook her head, "you don't understand! I don't love you like a sister, I'm in love with you."
Tai's mouth fell open and his chocolate eyes widened as he listened to his sister's confession. Was she serious? It certainly sounded like it. But how could she possibly be in love with him? "Kari..." he stammered, struggling to find words to convey his disbelief.
"I'm so sorry you ever had to find out, Tai," Kari cried as fresh tears began to dampen her cheeks. "Do you understand now? I'm a horrible, depraved individual?"
"Kari... when... how... why...?" he stuttered, unable to properly articulate any of the questions that flooded his mind. He had no idea what to think or feel about this revelation. His own sister in love with him. Impossible.
She looked down at the floor, "two years ago. That's when I realised I'd fallen in love with you."
No matter how many times she said it, Tai still found it difficult to comprehend. How could his sister have fallen in love with him? While he certainly did not consider himself ugly, he would never have ranked himself amongst the best-looking guys in his school. And he had a tendency to screw up and say the wrong thing when talking to girls. So what could Kari, his brilliant and beautiful sister, who could practically pick any boy she wanted, possibly see in him?
"It all started at one of Yolei's sleepovers. Everyone was talking about boys they liked and your name popped up. We talked about you for a bit and I said I thought you were cute. I got a few funny looks but no one said anything. The next week in school, someone brought in a magazine with one of those 'who's your perfect guy' quizzes. When I finished my turn I realised that I had just described you." She took a pause for breath, but he chose not to interrupt. He needed to hear the full story. "Over the next few weeks, I kept catching myself thinking about you. I tried to make the thoughts go away, tried desperately to think about other guys, but my mind always kept coming back to you."
When Kari finished speaking, Tai searched her eyes for any hint that she might close down again. He took a calming breath to steady himself and decided it did not matter how he felt, at least not just now. This must be unbelievably difficult for her he thought, feeling a pang of sorrow for her. To have carried this secret for two whole years must have been unbearable. At that moment he started to think back over everything that had happened in that time. Like a jigsaw he'd only just found the picture for, the pieces started to slot into place.
"Your relationship with TK," he eventually said, casting his mind back to what he theorised must be the start, "what really happened?"
Kari looked slightly confused for a moment and he wondered if she was having trouble processing his reaction. Indeed, it had seemed like she'd expected him to find her deplorable and thus treat her as such. He didn't, or at least he didn't think he did. For he was not entirely sure what he felt, the revelation still not having fully been processed by his mind.
Eventually, Kari answered, "I knew he was going to ask me out a few weeks before he managed to work up the courage to do so. Because everyone expected us to get together I thought it might help. I thought that if I was with someone else, I wouldn't think about you and that I would learn to love them."
More tears followed her words and Tai reached out and took one of her pale, cold hands in his own. "What happened?"
"Everything was fine to start with, I even enjoyed myself when we spent time together. However, when he kissed for the first time I felt all of his love and passion, but none of my own. I knew then that I could not love him. Every time he kissed me after that, I kept imagining what it would be like if it was you. When he tried to give me that promise ring on our anniversary, I knew I had to end it. Even though it meant breaking his heart."
"That must have been a horrible situation to be in," Tai said sympathetically. "Though I can see why TK took it so hard. Especially since you couldn't tell him the truth."
"I know. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make..." Kari paused to wipe the tears from her eyes. "It's my fault you all ended up fighting and that the group can't get together anymore. That's why I'm such a horrible person. I used TK to try and escape my own feelings and then broke his heart. Which then resulted in so many friendships shattering."
Tai absorbed this new information, but in the end, decided it changed nothing. TK had still been out of line when he laid his hands on her and even knowing the truth, he would do the same thing all over again. Regardless of who it was, Kari was still his little sister. "It wasn't your fault, Kari. Irrespective of the reason for breaking up with him, TK should never have acted the way he did."
She shook her head and Tai knew from experience that she would blame herself no matter what he said. "After that, I was angry at TK and poor Davis was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought that since he was a lot like you, it might work. We had a lot of fun over the few weeks we were together, but it transpired that we were too destructive as a couple."
"I recall you getting in trouble at school, but thought it was because you were still hurting over TK. What else did you guys do?"
"I'd rather not go there," Kari replied, her tone telling Tai that she did not wish to recall those memories.
"So what happened then?"
"It was becoming difficult to be around you, intoxicating. Every time I was near you I wanted to touch you, kiss you... I decided that I needed to distance myself from you as much as possible. I withdrew into myself, lost all my friends and eventually sought solace in the new music I'd discovered. It became my outlet, my safe place. Somewhere I could go to escape the sinful thoughts that plagued my mind."
"And I ended up too bogged down with school work and soccer practice to notice that you were changing and slowly slipping away until..."
"...until mom and dad decided to go away for the weekend and you had time to properly think about me," Kari finished for him. Her facial expression, that had neutralised somewhat while she told her story, began to look fearful again. She lowered her head, "I'm so sorry, Tai. I hoped you'd never have to find out. I was just so happy having spent the day with you that I kept ignoring the warning signs and eventually lost control. I know that you'll hate me and I understand that you'll think me to be a sick, twisted degenerate. So please just get it over with and leave me be."
A look of shock spread across Tai's face as he listened to how Kari expected him to react. The look of despair had returned to her beautiful reddish-brown eyes and he could again feel her pain and anguish. He knew at that moment that he could never do anything that would hurt her. Yes, he had always told himself that, but now he categorically knew it to be true.
"I don't hate you, Kari," he said in a calm, steady voice, "I could never hate you."
He watched as doubt and confusion slowly replaced the fear and despair in his sister's eyes. It seemed like it was now her turn to be stunned into silence.
"And I don't think you're sick, twisted or any of the other horrible things you've said about yourself."
"Tai…" she whispered as deep within her eyes he could see a faint speck of light amidst the darkness.
Tai pulled his sister into another hug. This time her weak arms wrapped around his torso. It felt like time stood still for a moment as the siblings embraced. However, he knew the conversation had not ended and he did not know how Kari might react or what effect his next words might have on her.
"I love you, Kari, and I always will." He moved his head so that he could look her in the eyes. "I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to keep this secret all this time. But it's over now. You don't have to carry it alone or shut yourself away anymore. I'll always be here for you."
It was joy laced with sorrow that filled those brilliant reddish-brown eyes now. "But you're not in love with me," Kari then said. It was an odd emotion in her voice that Tai heard and he was not sure he knew a word for it. There was a sense of relief that he had not denounced her as a degenerate. Then gratitude for his insistence that he would always be there for her. But also sorrow and longing for something she now knew for certain she would never have.
Tai had never been good at relationship stuff. His utter failure to read and act on the signs from Sora had driven her to Matt. A short list of other would be's or didn't last long's had all been snuffed out because of his inability to understand their feelings. Yet here he sat, having to try and figure out a way of letting his sister down gently. Something he had failed miserably at on the scant occasions that it had been him breaking off the relationship.
Eventually, he took what he perceived to be the softest, but in actuality may have been the cowards, way out, "I don't think so," he said, trying to sound compassionate but also detecting an unexpected hint of regret in his own tone. Was he genuinely sorry that he could not return her feelings?
Kari lowered her head, "I understand."
What did he say now? Given that his past experiences had ended with girls storming off, he was unsure what to say other than, 'wait that didn't come out right'. He reached out a finger and raised her chin so that she was looking at him once more. "If you ever need to talk, please come find me," he paused as his eyes took in her flaming hair, "and, Kari, don't shut yourself away from the world and pretend to be someone you're not."
She gave him a smile that, though weak, he knew to be genuine. And for the first time in a long time, he knew that she would be ok. "Thank you, Tai," Kari said as she reached over and gave him a soft kiss. For her sake, he did not resist. When her tender lips touched his own, he could feel warmth and love that he had never known before. This must be what it felt like when someone who was genuinely in love with you kissed you. When eventually she broke it off, Tai was left completely unsure of what had just happened.
"I think I need to be alone now," Kari then said as she withdrew from their embrace, "and, Tai, please don't tell anyone."
"I would never do that to you, Kari," he replied as he got to his feet.
Her hand touched his own and he could feel it linger until he made for the door. Unlocking it, he took one last look at his sister before exiting her room and closing it behind him.