Five fingers ran along the outline of a dusty video cassette slowly, the label yellowed from years of use as Sierra read its contents. "KittyChow Boy 1991" was the name given to fans to this monument of television history- the first time that Chris McClean had ever stepped onto television screens across the country. As such, it had been the first thing her mother had chosen to show her when she came of age to begin watching something more than simple baby programming.
Though she couldn't have been more than five, the first time she sat down and watched it was seared into her memory. Her house smelled dank and woody, mixed in with the much stronger scent of freshly baked popcorn from the microwave. She'd just gotten home from her first day of kindergarten, her hair was still short at that age, and she remembered the popcorn was dry and salty. It had that distinct mediocrity to it that was familiar to someone who lived a lifetime of eating off-brands, and she could even remember how that old TV had given a grainy, crackling quality to the sound. It certainly wasn't new even when they first got it, and as she grew up the years wore on it unflatteringly.
Little had changed since then. Sierra still lived in the same house, small, old and dilapidated as it was back then. She still had a steel trap memory that retained in it all manner of facts and events like a steel cage, allowing her to look back upon such distant times with a clarity some people could not muster for what they had for lunch that day. But now, there was something missing, and it began with the empty void that holding the tape brought her.
In her young years her Mother hadn't just shown her the early works of one certain Chris McClean, but nearly all of them to ever exist. Live videos from concerts dating back to his time in a boy band, hit movies that swept the box office and made studios millions, enchanting crowds worldwide with sports action and talking animal antics. Sierra found herself enchanted by it all, so easily drawn to the world of idolatry.
That she could know someone so closely and intimately while they remained distant and untouchable was a tender comfort to someone who couldn't hold a friendship, who drove away other kids on the playground. Maybe because she was a giant from a young age, but more likely because her unhinged, forceful and energetic personality were simply overwhelming for everyone she had yet to meet. Chris to her growing up was almost like a second father- or more like a twin of her father, since her mother had chosen a man to wed who looked suspiciously like the famous actor.
So when this girl who had grown up with her only friends being the ones on television, heard that Chris McClean, her first and greatest idol, was going to be hosting a new show, and that auditions were open, the commercial hadn't even finished airing before she was in her room. With an ancient hand-me down camera, she poured her heart and soul out begging to be let on, showing off her numerous skills she'd built up as part of her isolated life. Without commitments or friends it was possible to spend a great deal of her time perfecting the most inane of talents.
It would all be in vain, however, as she was too young to even be considered for the competition. Having barely turned 15 before the applications opened, which explicitly said the contestants would need to be 16 or older, her audition was summarily rejected without so much as a letter.
Crestfallen but not deterred, she and her mother watched the premier of Total Drama Island together. If Sierra could not be part of Chris McClean's world, then she could at least follow it with as much devotion as her beloved mother had followed all his works leading up to this.
What blossomed from that day forth could only be described as a destructive obsession. If Chris had been the cool uncle she never had, these teenagers she followed through the television were like the friends she never had. People her age she could know, that she could watch and get excited with, see and feel for their struggles and know their hopes and dreams. And one in particular would captivate her in a profoundly life-changing way.
Cody Emmett Jamieson Anderson may have been only been the fifth to leave the island, but to Sierra, the boy was everything she could have ever wanted in her dreams and more. Countless tired nights she spent on her old laptop, alternating between trying to stop the old battery from bursting into flames, and managing all her blogs through which she harvested information about the contestants. It was always Cody who she went the extra mile for, tracking down the right people, the right places, making the right calls to get that extra bit to know him better. His teachers, his doctors, even his relatives were all sourced in the name of satiating the illusion that this stranger on television was her true love.
When she heard the show was renewing, of course she sent in another audition tape. This time she would technically turn 16 before the year was over, but the producers were not looking for new contestants, and once again Sierra was summarily dismissed from participating in Total Drama Action. Though, since Cody did not participate in that season, it garnered significantly less interest from her, though she still followed it avidly.
How Sierra made her way onto the third season of Total Drama has been shown before in other chronicles, much more animated and entertaining than this one. What happened for Sierra personally, is even better known, as Total Drama World Tour would become the most watched and highest rated of the reality programs entire run. From humble beginnings, Sierra would find herself known to millions around the world.
Reality would hit like a ton of bricks for her once on the show. That was where the hole in her heart she was now nursing began to open up and swallow her illusory paradise. The parasocial relationship she'd built up with the contestants was immediately at odds with how she actually interacted with them, and nowhere was that more apparent than with the two men in the show that were dearest to her; Cody Anderson and Chris McClean. The latter, responsible for this old commercial she had been reminiscing upon so bittersweetly.
The hands that now held the tape were burned, as were much of the arms that had picked it up off the pile of many other things like it in the backyard. That she was standing here today was a small miracle, that she still breathed and walked the Earth seemed an impossibility each time she woke up. Throughout the season, Chris McClean had slowly fallen from the high heavenly pedestal that she had placed him upon in her youth, but it was not until that flash of fire at the end that he truly was cast down into hell below.
He had left her to die. Horrendously injured, robbed of her legs and seared by the blast from head to toe, her idol had left her to her fate in the barren Albertan desert. In that graveyard of prehistoric giants, she had watched him ascend above her in the safety of his helicopter, while she lay on the ground in agony, unable to even move without assistance.
It was not until then that the monstrousness of the man she had once looked up truly registered with her. He had endangered her life, that of her friends, and that of her beloved Cody more times than she could count, but it only left her soured. She had to believe he was doing it for the sake of the show. That he was not cruel, but needed the ratings, needed this show to be a success. She had to believe he would never really hurt them.
Within that tape and every other like it was a thousand memories. Picking through newspapers and magazines with her Mother, scrounging for bits and pieces of hard to find information about the man on the screen, who'd invariably be promoting something in a commercial, or batting away undead foes in his latest sports horror thriller. They'd dye each other's hair, paint their nails "Chris Blue", and frame pictures of him off the covers of tabloids to place in the shrine.
The contents of that shrine were now laid out before her in this heap of memorabilia. Dozens of faces of Chris McClean stared up at her from the picture frames, much of the paper worn and dulled to a grey color. It hurt her that she needed to let go of all this, of this treasure trove of everything that had made up her childhood. But things had changed. She realized now that behind that million dollar smile was something corrupt and evil, that a man with such a beautiful face could have an ugly heart.
Tapes, posters, magazines and newspapers, figurines, T-shirts, coffee mugs, every conceivable type of merchandise had made it's way into their Chris Museum, but it was really a shrine in all but name. All of it had a certain nostalgic smell, but mixed in that was a much less pleasant scent for Sierra to bear. Gasoline dripped down the sides of the heaping pyramid of Chris merchandise.
She looked down at the flare she held in her hand that would light it all off. Destroying this would mean destroying over a decade of her life. Even if she still had the memories, those were tainted in a way she could never get back. Poisoned, she would have to let them go if she wanted to move on and recover from her time on Total Drama. And that meant destroying their physical tether to this world.
Her silent train of thought was interrupted by the theme song to the show that had changed her life.
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous
She pulled her phone from her pocket and unflipped it, and on the other end a voice as sweet to hear as angels greeted her.
"Hey Sierra where are you? We've got the lobby setup and Noah really wants to get this raid done."
"Oh, sorry Codykins," She said, "I just…had some things I needed to take care of. Housecleaning."
"Sierraaaaa," He groaned on the other end, and she felt her heart slump. Right, they'd agreed to no more pet names. They were just friends after all, and pet names were more of a couples thing.
"Woops, my bad! I'll be there soon, Cody," She said, emphasizing his name.
"No, no it's okay. It's not that big of a deal, really it's just…..the rest of the party is breathing down my neck and we're not going in without our heal tank, so…yeah."
"Yeah," She nodded, awkwardly unsure of what to say, "See you there?"
His reply came in a tone much warmer, maybe even a little affectionate, "Heh, yeah. Been looking forward to it. See you there Sierra." At the end, the distinctive beep of a terminated call. Sierra looked down at the glow of the screen in her one hand, and the old tape in the other.
Silently, she kicked herself for forgetting about her game night with Cody. Had she really been out here that long that she was overdue. She looked up into the sky, and realized she was staring up at stars instead of a sunset. How long had she been out here? How deep in thought had she been lost?
In the last fading illumination of twilight she looked back at the pile. This was not what she needed in her life. She had someone that was precious to her now, not because she idolized him, but because they were real friends. They cared about each other, did things together, and here she was out here forgetting all that to pine over someone who would have seen her bones turn to dust in the sun. Were it not for the kindness of Cody's heart, that would have been her fate at the hands of Chris.
"KittyChow Boy 1991" went onto the pile with everything else. Picking up the flare from the ground where she left it, Sierra popped the cap off the top and struck it on the end. The stick hissed loudly as it produced a brilliant red flame, and with an underhand toss it landed on the fuel-soaked pile of everything that she had once held dear.
In a brilliant flash it was consumed by combustion, much like the that which had nearly destroyed her. The night was lit up by the bonfire as it began to roar, consuming the paper and plastic in which those old memories were trapped. The pile was nearly as tall as she was, and the flames reached to the sky as she finally embraced truly letting go.
Sierra was ready to move on, and she knew exactly who to keep in her life now.