Part Two: His Secret

Chapter Eleven: In the flesh

It was late on Sunday night and Tai Kamiya sat alone in his bedroom. The main light was off, with the only illumination coming from the lamp on his desk. He'd been sitting working on the same report for hours and had not even realised that the light level had dropped so much. His concentration level had been low all evening, however, the paper was due tomorrow so he had no choice but to finish it. Otherwise, he would have sodded it hours ago and picked it up again tomorrow night. The problem had, of course, been Kari.

Ever since the final acceptance last night that he was in love with her, he could not stop thinking about her. Like a worm eating into his brain, thoughts pertaining to his sister had penetrated all levels of his conscious mind and even into his subconscious. For he had awoken that morning after having had a wet dream about her. In the waking world, his every second thought was about her. While working on this report, he would think of a point and start writing it down, only for his mind to wander to Kari before he had even finished. And this was after having lain in bed last night trying to decide if he had made the right decision in not telling her how he felt. Hell, he'd even sat for over an hour earlier in the day re-evaluating all the options to see if he could find a better one. In the end, he had come to the same conclusion as he had last night. If Kari was happy, she would be better off not knowing the truth.

Tai picked up a glass of orange juice from his desk and drained the last of its contents. All the while thinking about the decision he had been forced to make yesterday. While it may have been in Kari's best interests, it left him with one hell of a problem. For he had fallen in love with her but had to keep himself from having her. He sat the glass down with a thud. It wasn't fair! This could perhaps be the worst scenario that someone could find themselves in. He had fallen in love with someone that loved him back, but couldn't act on his feelings. And not because they were already in a relationship or had prior history, but through a simple bad draw in the family department. Even Kari, who had suffered for two years under the weight of her feelings, had probably been better off.

The image of Kari, huddled on her bedroom floor, with tears staining her cheeks floated into his mind. How many nights had she spent in that same position before he had finally found out her secret and liberated her? Was that to be his fate in two years' time, less even? Would he slowly start to isolate himself from everyone he knew, his sister especially, as he sunk deeper into a black pit of depression? No, he was stronger than that. He would find some way to keep his mind away from Kari and how he felt about her. He let out a mirthless laugh. She had thought the exact same thing in the beginning. Going as far as dating TK for an entire year, followed by Davis, to try and keep her feelings at bay. Both to no avail. He did not have the luxury of trying that. For he had already burnt through multiple girlfriends, without being able to find one that lasted more than a couple of weeks. While he had not known why at the time, it was perfectly clear why it had not worked out now. Last night's kiss with Teiko had highlighted perfectly that there was a singular problem with all of them, they were not Kari.

Tai felt a surge of anger and hammered his fist atop the desk surface. How could he have let this happen? How could he have fallen in love with the one person he could not be with? Why was this happening to him? A voice, cold and slippery, whispered from deep within his mind, "this is what you deserve, Tai Kamiya"

Without thinking, he glanced around the room, as though expecting to see some physical manifestation of his own thoughts. "I don't deserve this," he fired back as another flash of anger sparked inside him. "Why would I possibly deserve this."

There was silence inside his head for a moment as Tai picked up his pen and looked back at his report. He read the last line he had written and pondered what to put next. Only for the answer that materialised to be, "how about the fact you let Kari suffer for two years without doing anything."

His pen froze in mid-air. "I didn't know something was wrong."

"Didn't know… more like didn't notice. You were so caught up in your own little world that you were completely oblivious to almost everything that was happening to her. And even when you did spot something, you cheerfully ignored it because you had more important things to do."

"That's not fair!" Tai exclaimed out loud.

"It's perfectly fair. You ignored your sister for two years and only started to figure out something was wrong because of something she did. Some older brother you are."

The words hit Tai like a blow to the gut. No matter how he tried to rationalise or justify it, he had only begun to suspect something was wrong with Kari because of something she did. For want of a simple text message, he would have continued drawing up his weekend bucket list and never even realised that he needed to patch up their dwindling relationship. The voice had been right, it was perfectly fair. Only it did not stop there.

"So you let your sister suffer for two years. Eventually, find out that the reason behind it all is because she is in love with you. Tell her that you do not feel the same way. Only to then change your mind but not tell her. And you think it is unfair on you? You're pathetic, Tai Kamiya."

Tai sat wide-eyed as he listened to his own mind expertly dismantle his own argument and stab him with each and every shard. As his metaphorical blood began to pour, he felt a single tear form in his right eye. "I'm doing this to protect her," he cried internally as it rolled down his cheek.

"Really? Are you sure you're not doing it to protect yourself? You're not even giving Kari any say in the matter. Instead, you're treating her like the innocent little child of light and choosing for her because you think you know best."

"Stop it," Tai whispered, "this is for the best."

"Best for you maybe. You're weak, Tai Kamiya. Pathetic and weak!"

"Stop it!" In a fit of rage, he seized the empty glass from his desk and threw it against the wall. It shattered on impact, spreading glass all over the floor, some of which slid under his wardrobe.

Tai's breaths came in laboured pants as his body visibly shook. A sheen of icy sweat had formed on his forehead and he felt cold to his core. Turning his head he looked down at the pile of fragmented glass that covered his floor beneath the impact point. Everyone else in the house must already be asleep he reasoned for no footsteps could be heard on the other side of his door. In an unsteady manner, he got to his feet and crossed over to where the glass fragments lay. Bending down, he righted the jagged base and carefully began dropping each of the other shards into it. Only he soon realised that there were not enough of them to comprise the entire glass. He glanced around but after it quickly became apparent that they were nowhere in sight, he figured they must have ended up under the wardrobe.

In the scant light that reached the base of the wardrobe from the desk lamp, Tai flattened himself onto his stomach and slid his hand beneath it. He found the first shard with ease and withdrew it, placing it with the others. It was still not enough to complete the glass. Going back in for a second hunt he found shard two lurking towards the back; the little sucker had travelled far. Unfortunately, he had failed to find number three.

"ARGH!" Tai yelled as he accidentally dragged his left forearm over the third shard.

Relinquishing his grip on the other, he pulled his arm out from under the wardrobe. Even in the dull light, he could see the three-inch line of dripping red that marked the slice in the flesh of his forearm. Picking himself up off the floor, he held it out with the cut facing up in order to limit the amount that dribbled onto the floor. For a brief moment, he just stared at it in shock. However, that quickly subsided and he began to feel the stinging pain. Crossing to the door, he made his way out into the hallway and straight to the bathroom. Flicking on the light switch he instantly saw the narrow, three-inch pool of blood that ran along his forearm and the multiple streaks that snaked down both sides. Wasting no time he grabbed the roll of toilet paper, tore off a wad and started to soak up the sticky crimson liquid. It took three in total to wipe his arm clean, however, the wound continued to bleed. Clumsily, he wrapped enough paper around it to try and stem the blood flow until he could find the first aid kit.

It took several minutes of rooting around in the cupboard under the sink before he found it. His mom seriously had too many beauty products. Removing the toilet paper from the wound, he ran his forearm under the tap in order to clean it. From inside the first aid kit, he withdrew a bottle of antiseptic and some cotton wool. This was going to hurt like a bitch, he thought as he soaked the first piece in the liquid. That turned out to be an understatement. Suppressing a howl he pressed the sodden ball against the still bleeding slice. It felt like his arm was on fire as the antiseptic seeped into his flesh. Unfortunately, he had little choice but to clean the wound thoroughly, lest he want to end up with it becoming infected. When he had eventually finished, he covered it with a thick wad of gauze and then wrapped a bandage around it. With any luck, the blood wound not seep through; a sure indication he would require stitches.

After cleaning up the bathroom and washing the blood off of his bedroom floor, he disposed of the broken glass; forgetting about the two shards still underneath his wardrobe. Seated at his desk once more, he considered the paper he still had to finish for the next day. His arm hurt like hell, however, the constant pain did an excellent job of keeping thoughts about Kari at bay, but allowing him enough focus to concentrate on the report. Over the next hour, he managed to get more work done than he'd managed in the previous four. He eventually finished at one in the morning. Feeling exhausted as well as physically and emotionally drained, he went to bed. Where he enjoyed a dreamless night's sleep.