Part Two: His Secret

Chapter Thirteen: Ebb and flow

On Monday morning Tai had awoken to the throbbing pain in his left arm. Fortunately, the blood had not soaked through the gauze and after unwrapping it, he had found that it would not need stitches. It had still needed to be covered and hurt like hell for the rest of the day. Come Tuesday, the pain had subsided slightly overnight and continued to drop over the course of the day. By the time he had arrived home, it was barely noticeable. It was only once shut away in his room that evening while doing his homework, did he have his first thoughts about Kari since before breaking the glass on Sunday. It had concerned how nice her hair had looked at dinner. However, once that singular thought had entered his mind, the floodgates had opened and he found himself back in the exact same position as on Sunday. He'd managed very little work that night.

Tai groaned as he finished transferring books from his locker into his school bag. His inability to concentrate for two of the last three nights had left him in serious trouble in terms of his homework. He had two more reports due by the end of the week, neither of which he had started, a bucket load of mathematics problems to solve by tomorrow and some questions to finish for human biology too. Unfortunately, Kari had haunted him all day at school too. And even as he stood here in front of his locker, he found his mind wavering from his daunting task to ponder what she would look like in a bikini; sublime he'd wager.

Shouldering the heavy rucksack, he made his way out of the building and to the bike racks. Unlocking his red-framed bicycle, he wrenched it out and hopped on. Even at full pelt it still took him fifteen minutes to get home. With his brain almost getting him killed when it failed to notice an oncoming car until the last moment because it had been too distracted by images of his sister in a skimpy two-piece. Stowing his bike in the undercroft, he raced up the stairs two at a time and ran the short distance to the apartments front door. Inside, he changed his shoes quickly and managed to get to his bedroom door before Kari could come and great him with her obligatory hug. He was about to step across the threshold when a voice called out to him.

"Tai?" He breathed a sigh of relief when he realised it was his mom. "What's with the rush? Dinner won't be for another half an hour."

He turned his head and with one eye on Kari's door said, "I've got a mountain of work I need to get done tonight." He paused as a thought occurred to him, "do you mind if I eat in my room? I really need to get started and don't have any time to waste."

Just over a week ago, he would undoubtedly have gotten a sharp, 'no!' However, his mom had calmed down enough since then to afford him some leeway with meal times. "Sure, I'll bring it through to you when it's done," she replied.

"Thanks, Mom," he said, and on realising that his sister had not yet made an appearance, asked, "where's Kari?"

"She went over to Yolei's house after school to work on a report they got handed out today. She probably won't be back until later." Well, that answered that question, Tai thought. He was about to step inside his room when his mother then said, "why? You weren't planning to take her to get a tattoo next, were you?"

In the days before hair-gate, he would have taken this to be a joke on his mother's part. However, that had changed now. While she had settled down somewhat over the past week and a half, it felt like what trust she'd had in him in regards to Kari had been irrevocably broken. Yet if he had his time back to do it all over again, he knew he would do the exact same thing. His sister had paid the price for him to have a moment of fun when she was five, now he would continually pay it for her. And he would never begrudge her it no matter what the cost.

"No, Mom, I'm not planning on taking Kari to get a tattoo," he replied.

His mother frowned at him before turning away. Entering his room, Tai closed the door behind him. The idea of his sister's perfect skin being permanently blemished seemed abhorrent somehow. Sitting his bag down beside his desk, he quickly undressed and pulled on the first pair of jeans and long-sleeved upper body wear that came to hand; he didn't want anyone to notice the three-inch scab that ran along his inner forearm. Dropping into his chair, he pulled out his mathematics textbook and a notepad. Since this was due tomorrow it took precedence over everything else. No sooner had he opened the book to the relevant page and started reading the first problem, did his mind start to wander. How nice would it feel to rub his hands over his sister's soft skin? He gripped his pencil tighter as he re-read the question. The wood dug into his index finger when he started to copy down the important information from the textbook. The memory of his fingertips touching the bare skin at the base of her spine last Saturday night flashed inside his head and caused him to exert too much pressure on the page; the pencil tip broke.

For the next half-hour, his mind was bombarded with thoughts of a similar nature. So much so, that he almost cried when his mom knocked at the door with his dinner. He'd only managed a single problem in that time. He ate quickly, after which he decided that some form of distraction in order to counter the distraction was in order. So he found his mp3 player, popped his earbuds in, hit shuffle and turned the volume up to the max. For the next fifteen minutes, the thumping of drums and slamming of guitars did an effective job at keeping his thoughts at bay, allowing him to make a little headway with his work. A new track started as he moved onto a fresh problem. These really were quite samey, he mused, finding the parallel between the songs and the questions amusing. Perhaps listening to some of Kari's music had altered his perspective enough that he no longer found such short, simplistic tracks appealing. Maybe he could go borrow some of her CD's. She probably wouldn't mind, his sister was good like that. In fact, she would probably give him anything he wanted if he asked for it…

A full five minutes passed before Tai became aware that he had stopped writing in the middle of an equation. In disgust, he threw the pencil away and dropped his head down onto the desk surface. The pencil hit the ground and rolled under the wardrobe. This was impossible! No matter what he tried, thoughts of his pretty, beautiful, gorgeous… sexy sister managed to worm their way into his mind. He was yearning… lusting over something that he could not allow himself to have and it was driving him insane. He let out a series of laboured breaths. How had Kari managed to survive for two years? A thought crossed his mind, why didn't he just tell her? Maybe they could share a few forbidden moments when they were alone, but act like normal siblings the rest of the time. Surely if he did that, it would be enough to sate his desires and allow him to function normally.

Tai reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He had to put an end to this. Scrolling through his contacts he found Kari's name and opened a new message. He would ask her to come home asap as he had an emergency that he needed her help to sort out. Knowing his sister, it should be enough to get her to come. When she arrived, he would shepherd her into his room, sit her down and tell her that he was in love with her too. "Kari, I've got a serious problem and I really need you to come home and help me. Tell you more when you get here," he wrote. His finger hovered over the send button. Was this the right thing to do? Would the two of them be able to restrict themselves to a few 'forbidden moments'?... No… the risk was too great. Kari was happy for the first time in over two years and the fallout from revealing his secret could be devastating for her. Either she would have to live as he did currently, knowing that he loved her but she could not be with him, or they would start a relationship that would place them in the middle of a metaphorical minefield. Irrespective of the choice, the likelihood that she would be seriously hurt was too high. He deleted the message and pocketed his phone. This was his burden to bear and he would somehow have to find the strength and courage to carry it.

Turning his head, Tai's eyes scanned the floor for his wayward pencil but found no trace of it. Slowly he rose from his chair and walked in the direction of the wardrobe. With no sign of it elsewhere on the floor, he reasoned that it must have rolled underneath it. Dropping down to his stomach he carefully slid a hand under. However, instead of his pencil, the first thing his finger found was a shard of glass. Pulling it out, Tai gazed at the drops of red that covered its razor-sharp edge. With his other hand, he rolled up the left sleeve of his top and stared at the three-inch scab that covered the laceration. He could recall vividly the sharp pain he'd experienced when the glass tore through his skin. The burning of the antiseptic as it cleaned the wound. And the constant throb he'd had to endure for an entire day before it had started to ebb… the throbbing pain that had prevented his mind from wandering and allowed him to focus on the here and now.

Tai's eyes shifted back to the shard of glass; it glistened in the light. Was he seriously contemplating this? Was the situation so dire that the only solution to his problem would be to inflict enough pain upon himself that his mind would be unable to wander from it? He looked between the bloodied edge of the glass and his arm. This was a bad idea, but what other choice did he have. He could not tell Kari, however, he needed to get that school work done. All he needed was to be able to focus for the next thirty hours so he could catch up. He would then have the weekend to figure out some alternative way to distract his mind.

Rolling up his other sleeve, Tai held the piece of glass close to his wrist. He felt a cold sweat on the nape of his neck and his body started to shake as he tentatively pressed the tip against his flesh. The edge of the glass felt like a cold razor blade against his skin. No, he thought in desperation. This was stupid… he should not… could not do th… Tai let out a muffled cry and a single tear rolled down his cheek as he applied enough pressure to pierce the skin. The first stab of pain caused him to wince, but he knew it would not nearly be enough. Pushing slightly deeper caused a sliver of crimson to run down his wrist. His eyes screwed up as he agonisingly tore the shard through about an inch and a half of skin and surface tissue. Blood slowly began to pool as the stabbing sensation engulfed his mind.

The shard of glass slipped from Tai's hand and landed on the wooden floor with a light tinkle. His eyes were transfixed on the steadily growing flow of blood as it started to run down his arm and drip onto the floor. What had he done? It took a few minutes for him to recover from the shock of having just deliberately cut himself. First and foremost, he needed to clean and dress this wound. Shakily getting to his feet, he grabbed a sweat towel from the top of his dirty laundry hamper and wrapped it around his right wrist. No sense in allowing the blood to drip all over the apartment floor. Treading lightly he left his room and headed to the bathroom; ensuring that no one saw him. Once safely inside he found the first aid kit, soaked the first cotton bud in antiseptic and rinsed his wrist under the tap. Pressing hard, he almost screamed at the intensity of the burning sensation as the antiseptic seeped into the laceration. He continued to clean the wound until he had become fully accustomed to the feeling, eking out every last second of pain until it ebbed away. Applying a wad of gauze, he then wrapped a bandage around it.

Disposing of all the evidence down the toilet, he returned to his room and cleaned the blood off of the floor with the sweat towel and hid it underneath his wardrobe. His eyes then fell on the shard of glass. Picking it up he turned it over in his hand. More blood now stained its edge. Crossing over to his desk he looked down at the small bin that sat beside it. His hand hovered over it and began to shake as he thought about dropping the shard inside. It was such a simple act so why did he find it so difficult?

Tai sat down at his desk and opened his drawer to find a new pencil. When he closed it again, a new occupant now sat tucked away at the back beneath an old foam stress ball. His arm had already begun to throb as he re-read the question he had been in the middle of before throwing his previous writing implement away. He had little trouble concentrating for the rest of the evening.