Part Three: Their Secret

Chapter Sixteen: Bird in a gale

Tai Kamiya struggled to cut through the station crowd as he chased after his sister. His mind going a million miles an hour as he tried to process what had just happened. One minute he had been sharing a kiss with Kari, the next she had burst into tears and buried her head into his chest. He'd comforted her and once she had calmed down, she'd asked to go home. Naturally, he had agreed, for clearly, she was upset. However, when he'd placed an arm around her shoulder, her whole body had jerked and she'd quickly ask him not to touch her. No sooner had he removed his hand, she had bolted. What on earth had he done to upset her so much?

"Kari!" Tai called out once he escaped from a throng of people that had almost dragged him down the street outside the station. While she had managed to get a fair distance in front of him, it should not have been far enough that she would not have heard him. However, she did not respond. He tried again, "Kari!"

Nothing.

Quickening his pace, Tai actually had to hit full pelt in order to catch up with her. His mind hurriedly replayed the whole incident since coming off the train. Searching for anything he had said or done that might have caused her to react this way. Was it because he had told her that they needed to return to the normal sibling dynamic once they got home? That would certainly make sense. For she had broken down into tears after he had said that. But she had known that would be the case from the moment they had first decided to have a relationship more than would be considered socially acceptable. In fact, she'd even insisted that she understood the difficulties they would face more than he did. So what had happened?

"Kari," Tai panted when he finally caught up with her. He went to put his arm around her shoulder, but at the last moment remembered her request. Instead, he dumbly asked the obvious, "what's wrong?"

He caught a glimpse of fresh tear lines on her right cheek before she turned her face away from him. But she still would not answer him.

"Kari, please talk to me?" he said, his own hurt feelings being shoved to the side for now. His sister was in pain and he had to help her.

"…Tai…" Her voice, barely an audible whisper, sounded like it had fractured and that each word hurt her to utter. "…I…I'm... s…so… s…s…sorry…"

"Kari, what on earth are you sorry for?" he asked in confusion. For he had no idea what she was apologising for.

They travelled to the end of the road and when he received no response, Tai decided that he needed to stop her. Putting on a quick burst of acceleration, for his sister was still moving at a fair pace, he darted in front of her and came to a halt. She stopped and for a brief second, he saw her eyes were red and that she was still crying before she turned her head away again.

"Kari, please tell me what's wrong. What are you apologising for?"

"Tai, p…p…please m…move."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," he replied firmly. "You need to talk to me, Kari."

She moved to go around him, but he quickly blocked her path. "Kari…"

"I'm sorry for everything!" she wailed, her head turning to face him. When he gazed into those reddish-brown eyes, he saw a world of pain and hurt that tested his resolve of not touching her to the limit. To see his sister suffer so much was bad enough, but to think that he was responsible in some way felt unbearable. "…p…p…please j…j…just l…l…let me g…go h…home…"

She made to go past him again and in that split second, Tai was forced to make a choice. Did he refuse to accept what she was willing to tell him at this time and physically haul her backwards like TK had, or did he let her go? Whatever had happened, it was clear that Kari either did not wish to or physically could not talk about it at this time. And he had to respect her decision, regardless of how much it hurt him to see her like this or indeed what his own feelings were at present. So he made the only choice he could and let her go.

Walking close behind his sister, Tai spoke softly, "when you're ready to talk, I'll be there for you. All you need to do is come find me."

If it had not been for the fact that they had turned onto a deserted street, he suspected he probably would not have heard her mumbled, "thank you."

His head still full of questions, Tai trudged the last leg of the way home feeling completely at sea. The last thing she had said to him before breaking down into tears at the station had summed the evening until that point up perfectly; it had been magical. Now… now he was left wondering whether or not he would ever feel that way again.

##

The door to her bedroom clicked shut and Kari's fingers fumbled for a moment before it locked. Pressing her back up against the woodwork, she let out a ragged breath as she slid down it to the floor. A fresh wave of hot tears poured forth as she wrapped her shaking arms around her huddled knees. Two wet patches formed on her ripped black jeans as she shed every last tear that she had left inside of her. She had no idea how long it took before her mind was able to form any sort of thought. When it finally did, it came in the form of, what had happened to her?

Only before she could start to piece together an answer, a voice from the dark depths of her mind hissed, "you ruined everything, Kari Kamiya."

Kari shuddered uncontrollably on hearing those words. It had been seven weeks since she had last suffered at the hands of that voice. And foolishly, she'd genuinely believed that it had been driven off for good. If the situation were not so dire she would have laughed at her own stupidity. How could she possibly have gotten rid of a part of her own mind?

"You had exactly what you wanted. Everything that you'd dared not even imagine could ever be possible and you ruined it."

I didn't mean to, Kari thought, as though that was an acceptable explanation of her actions.

"Do you enjoy making yourself suffer?" the voice asked mockingly. "Or are you that pathetic that you need to suffer? Is it the only thing in life that you understand? Pain and suffering."

"No," she said in a whisper that was muffled by how close her mouth was to her jeans. Then added internally, I don't even know what happened.

The voice continued its assault upon her, "I've already told you. You've ruined everything. You've led another victim down a hallway of deceit before pulling the rug out from underneath them."

Kari lifted her head up and her eyes widened as she was treated to a replay of what had happened at the train station. "Oh, god," she said in a ghostly echo. How must Tai be feeling after the way she had reacted? He had taken a leap of faith and kissed her out in public. Only for her to respond by breaking down in tears and then running away from him. Exceptionally hurt and rejected she would imagine as a bare minimum. She needed to go and talk to him. To explain what had happened.

She was about to try and stand up when the voice hissed again, "at, at, ah. Aren't we forgetting something?"

Kari froze and could picture the gleam of triumph on its disembodied face when she failed to give an answer.

"Even if Tai forgave you, which by all rights he shouldn't, you're forgetting why you broke down and then ran away in the first place."

She thought back to the train station and the overwhelming feelings of sadness and despondency she had felt stirred inside her once more. Being alone with Tai, as boyfriend and girlfriend, had been so wonderful that it had felt like she was soaring above the clouds. However, only at that moment back on the platform, did she truly appreciate how hard-hitting the ground again would be. Forcibly going from that high back to a sustained period of feeling so low would be agonising. Not only that, but she knew that the higher she climbed each time, the further she would inevitably have to fall. And that scared her at an almost primal level. How long would it take for it to become unbearable? For her depression to return and slowly start to pull her under? A month… two? And, realistically, what future could they possibly have together? Maybe it would be best for her to cut her losses now, before either of them or both, were seriously hurt.

Kari let out an agonising moan as her eyes located a new batch of tears for her to cry. How could she possibly end their fledgeling relationship now after spending two years yearning for it? What was she supposed to do? Either way she lost.

"Having fun yet?" the voice mocked and she could picture clearly the sickening grin on its non-existent face. "If you were a stronger person, this would be easy. But you're not, Kari Kamiya. You're a weak, pathetic creature that got everything she ever wanted and yet still had to fuck it up."

I knew it would be hard, but not like this… not like this, she wailed inside her own head.

"And you thought I was bad before," the voice laughed in a tone reminiscent of Myotismon. "Well, guess what, you've just manufactured a whole host of new things to hate yourself for. So congratulations, little Kari, you've singlehandedly manufactured your own torment and misery. We're going to have so much fun."

There was nothing more Kari could do as she surrendered herself to the torment of her own self-loathing. She had gotten everything she had ever wanted, only to find that she lacked the strength to even make a decision on the matter, let alone pursue the course of action she'd fantasised for so long about. Huddled alone on her bedroom floor, she suffered continuously until unconsciousness finally claimed her. All the while aware, that her brother would not be coming to her rescue this time.