Part Three: Their Secret
Chapter Eighteen: Is this the life we really want?
Kari Kamiya did not recall falling asleep after coming home from her date with Tai on Saturday night. She'd woken to find herself lying on the floor in front of her bedroom door. It had been five-thirty in the morning and her skin had felt like ice. Robotically, she had changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed, where she'd quickly fallen asleep. Next time she had woken up it had been almost one in the afternoon and she'd felt horrible. Her head had hurt, her throat felt sore and her limbs had ached from having slept for hours on the unforgiving wooden floor. Unfortunately, she had been desperate for a drink of water and so been forced to go to the kitchen. Her mother had made to start on her, but after taking one look at her, had immediately gone to fetch the thermometer; it had added fever to her list of symptoms. She had then been sent straight back to bed with a jug of ice water and some cold medication. The rest of her day had been spent there. With her mom bringing her some soup at dinner time; fortunately from a tin. Both her father and Tai had poked their heads in to see how she was feeling at different points, but she had pretended to be asleep when it had been the latter. The only upshot had been that she'd felt so horrible and exhausted that the hissing voice from the dark depths of her mind had remained silent.
Monday morning had come around and after having her temperature checked twice to ensure it had come down overnight, her mom had decided she was well enough for school. Kari had stood in front of the mirror that morning, dressed in her green school uniform and felt so flat. It had been seven weeks since she'd had her hair dyed and her brown roots were now starting to show. Perhaps it was a sign of how she felt internally, that she had not noticed before then. For she'd felt far more akin to the girl who'd worn yellow and pink than the one who'd created the Digital Punk outfit that hung in her wardrobe. At the breakfast table, she'd been forced to sit opposite Tai and pretend that everything was alright when she couldn't even bear to look at him. Fortunately, he'd left for soccer practice soon after and so she'd been spared having to say anything more than good morning to him. It had been bitter outside when cycling to school and made her wish that girls could wear trousers. In homeroom, she'd had to face Yolei and the discovery that she had completely forgotten that the lavender haired girl had agreed to model her green weirdo t-shirt and ripped black jeans for a photoshoot in the drama room after school that day. Granted it had been a blessing in disguise, for all she wanted to do was go home to bed. An apology had not been necessary, for Yolei had taken one look at her and deduced that she was ill. However, she'd been forced to agree to reschedule in order to make it look like nothing else had happened. The day had passed slowly and she'd felt increasingly more rotten as it had dragged on. So much so, that by the time she had made it home, she'd gone straight to bed; after a bowl of soup her mother had practically poured down her throat.
Come this morning, while she had physically felt back to normal, her mental state had not improved. After having received a bye for the past two days, the hissing voice had started from almost the moment she'd set foot out of bed. "Tick-Tock, little Kari," it had said menacingly when she left her bedroom to go shower. It hadn't needed to say anymore. For she knew that time was running out. Tai too had given her space while she had been ill, but sooner or later she would have to face him. "And say what?" it had then asked her. Posing a question that she could not answer. Eventually, she had been forced to leave early so she could forgo her bicycle and listen to some music to try and drive it away.
At school, she had spent the morning trying to play songs from memory in order to keep it at bay before she could slip her headphones back on at break and lunchtime. Only it had meant she had been unable to focus on her lessons at the same time and gotten into trouble from her maths teacher for failing to even acknowledge that the woman had asked her a question; much to her embarrassment. It had not been worth the risk to get caught out twice in one day so she had been forced to pay attention in the afternoon, leaving her mind defenceless against a gleeful voice and its continued probing of her mind with questions like, "what are you going to say to him, little Kari?" When she had left school, she'd been forced to put on Amarok and turn it up full blast in order to send it scurrying back into its hole. Her walk home had included several detours in order to make it last the full hour that the single-track album played for.
It was quarter-past-eleven and Kari sat alone on her bed, dressed in a pale blue long-sleeved top and a pair of regular denim jeans. She had not worn anything this ordinary by choice in almost two months. Having been listening to music non-stop since she had finished school some seven and a half hours ago, she was down to her last album; Oldfield's Crises. She flicked to it on her music player and hit play. Before it even began, she knew that the title tracks scant lyrics summed up her situation perfectly. Perhaps the reason she had left it until last.
When the light keyboard notes that opened the album began, Kari huddled her knees to her chest. What was she going to do? It would hurt being without her brother, but it also hurt being with him. And even if she persevered with the relationship, endured the long spells of pain between the short periods of joy, what long term future could they possibly have? If their parents found out while they still lived under their roof, they would be furious and ensure it ended. Even if they somehow managed to keep it a secret until they had both moved out, they would find out eventually and likely disown them. Not to mention their friends. Would any of them still want to associate with them if they knew the truth? And what if, after going through all of that, they then split up? It was a bleak picture, Kari realised. One that, despite what she had said to Tai, she had not fully appreciated. Whenever she had thought about a relationship between them and the difficulties they would face, it had always been about how to keep it a secret. Unfortunately, if they genuinely wanted to be together long term, the cold hard truth was that it would have to come out. And the prospect of that scared her.
There was also her brother's feelings to consider. She had seen first-hand what happened when you delayed breaking off a relationship until the point that you could no longer keep it going. She couldn't bear to do that to Tai. Not knowing the amount of pain it would cause him. Sure he would hurt if she ended it now, but that would be nothing compared to how he would feel if they had to end things much further down the line. Not to mention, if he felt like she did, the pain he would have to endure during the long spells where they had to remain in the sibling zone.
Kari shook her head in dismay. Was she seriously contemplating giving up the thing she had wanted more than anything in the world? The answer to that almost brought her to tears, yes, she was. Those first five fantastic days they had spent together now felt like a distant memory. She had been so happy and so far above the clouds during that time that she'd never wanted it to end. Only it had. Almost three weeks on and the comedown had proven hard to take. While they had shared a night of uncontrollable passion, a short walk in the park and Saturday night's magical first date (minus the ending), it had not been enough and the in-between time agonising. And she did not know if she could put herself through it, knowing what the endgame might have in store for them.
A small sob escaped from Kari's lips but no tears accompanied it. This was getting her nowhere. She had sat here for almost seven hours now, with the same things popping in and out of her head and still not managed to figure out what to do. However, she knew one thing. If she did not act soon either one of two things would happen. Either she would drive herself insane, or Tai would eventually come looking for answers. There was only one thing for it. She would have to talk to her brother, explain what had happened on Saturday night and hope she figured out what she wanted to do. Pulling out her cell phone, she glanced at the time; 11:25 pm. With any luck, he would still be awake.
"Are you still awake?" she typed, finger hovering over the send button for a few moments before it shakily hit it.
##
Across the hallway, Tai sat at his desk, pen in hand as he finished the last of his homework. It had taken a monumental effort to get everything done, that had a deadline of tomorrow. Having come home from school after another brutal soccer practice, he'd needed to ask his mom to allow him to have dinner in his bedroom so he wouldn't have to stop. Popping his earbuds into his ears, he'd started with Ommadawn and worked his way through Kari's music collection while he tackled assignment after assignment. However, the worst part about the day had been his inability to make any headway with his dual girl troubles. In school, Sora had managed to avoid and elude him for the duration of the day and once the final piece of homework had been dished out, he'd known that there would be no opportunity to talk with Kari either. Hell, he had only seen his sister twice in the past two days and each encounter had been a brief one at the breakfast table.
Tai's eyes flickered to the clock on his cell phone as, at long last, he started the final question of the last assignment; a set of physics problems. It had just gone twenty-past-eleven. Well, at least he should be done by half-past. That would allow him about seven hours of sleep, assuming he could get his brain to switch off. Not likely, he mused as he wrote out the relevant equations for solving the problem. As soon as he finished this assignment, his mind would probably return to the Kari problem. Involuntarily, the thought flickered through his mind, what had happened that night at the train station? He sighed and tried to force it out of the way so he could figure out the solution to this final problem. Just ten more minutes, then you can have at it, he tried to reason with his own head. Surprisingly, it seemed to work as an idea about how to solve the problem came to him and his pen started to scribble across the page.
Next to him, his phone vibrated, but he ignored it for now. After a few more minutes, he wrote the units next to his calculated answer and set down his pen. Finished! Letting out a slow exhale, he allowed the sweet sound of tubular bells to ring in his ears as the first piece of the album drew to a close. He really needed to thank Kari for sharing her music collection with him when he next spoke to her. When the final guitar notes faded, Tai turned his attention to his cell phone and flipped it open.
"Kari," he breathed slowly when he saw who had sent the message.
Wasting no more time he opened it and read, "Are you still awake?"
Shit, he thought! His sister had sent it a few minutes ago and he'd ignored it to finish the stupid physics problem. Hastily he sent a reply.
##
Kari waited with bated breath on a reply coming. If he'd finished studying he might already be asleep. In which case she would have to wait until tomorrow. She was about to close her eyes and try to lose herself in the remainder of her album when her phone vibrated on the bed.
"Yeah, literally just finished the last of my homework. Why? Are you ok?" she read. As always, Tai put care and compassion for her before his own feelings.
"We need to talk. Is there any chance we could maybe go for a walk?" she sent back quickly.
"Make sure you're dressed warmly and bring your winter jacket. I'll meet you at the front door."
Switching off her music player, Kari pulled off her headphones and left both on her bed. Going to her wardrobe she withdrew a beige woollen jumper and pulled it on. She then found a matching white hat, scarf and glove set, along with her pink winter coat. Last week she would have been strongly opposed to wearing it, given the colour, but tonight put it on with a sense of resignation. Quietly she left her room and crept down the hallway and through the main living area to where Tai awaited her at the front door.
"Are you sure you're feeling well enough for this?" he whispered in his concerned big brother tone. She never gave a seconds thought to taking offence at him using it.
"Yes," she nodded. "I'm feeling a lot better and am dressed warmly."
"Ok, if you're sure," Tai replied, giving her a soft smile.
Kari pulled her trainers on, which she hadn't worn for weeks and watched as her brother carefully opened the front door, making the minimum amount of noise possible. She stepped out at his behest into the cold night air. He followed and quietly closed the door behind him; locking it.
"Where do you want to go?" he asked as they set off towards the stairs.
"I don't know," she admitted truthfully, having not thought about a destination. "Somewhere we can talk in private."
Her brother thought for a moment before replying, "let's go down to the bayside. There's an overpass that we can sit under there."
"Ok," she agreed in a meek voice.
##
They walked down to street level and for several minutes before Tai broke the silence. "How have you been feeling?" he asked, unable to hide the concern from his tone. After the incident when he was eight, he had always been wary about taking Kari outside so soon after she had been ill, especially if it was cold.
"I already said I was feeling better, you don't have to worry," she answered with a small fake smile. However, the look she received told her that he had not bought the gesture.
"I didn't mean in terms of your physical health," Tai responded calmly. While she had clearly dodged the question, he tried to keep any irritation he may have felt from his tone.
She let out a low sigh, "I've been better."
"At least you're being honest with me," Tai said with a slight grin. "I know from personal experience that when one of us is paying attention, the other has difficulty lying."
A few days ago, Kari would have responded with something sassy like, 'maybe you have difficulty', but instead simply said, "we know each other too well."
Tai allowed her a little bit of breathing space by refraining from asking anything else for a few minutes. After they had crossed onto the opposite sidewalk and turned a corner, he eventually said, "I've really missed talking with you these past few days." Hoping that a demonstration that he was not mad at her would help ease the air of worry that he sensed hung over her like a black cloud.
She looked down at her feet. "I'm sorry, Tai." It was the best she could do. The memory of what had happened on Saturday night still haunted her and the overwhelming feelings of guilt made it difficult to say anything else. By rights, Tai should hate her, yet that did not seem to be the case. And somehow that made the whole situation worse, given what she had been contemplating while back in her bedroom.
"You said that on Saturday night too," he replied, still unsure of what she had been apologising for then.
Again his tone was caring and compassionate, with no trace of anger, frustration or annoyance. Why was he not angry with her? Because that's not Tai, at least not when it comes to you, her brain eventually said. This thought only led Kari to wonder whether or not he would be acting the same way if she were some other girl. Did she merit such a kind response because she was his sister or because he was in love with her?
When his sister did not reply, Tai probed slightly further, "I still don't understand what you are apologising for." He needed her to know that, while he was in no way judging her actions, he needed to know what had happened so he could help her.
The cold air bit at her face as they kept walking, only she struggled to find the words to answer him. Yet at no point did Tai push her for an explanation. Instead, he stayed close by her side, a pillar of strength should she need one to cling to. They passed very few other pedestrians on their way down to the underpass. Sitting down on a concrete block facing the water, Kari stared out over the dark water.
Setting himself down next to his sister, Tai continued to give her space. Something serious was wrong with her, he could feel it deep inside. And while he desperately wanted to help, he had to allow her to dictate the pace. To talk to him in her own time. While she might have thought it overprotective big brother mode, it now ran deeper than that. He did not wish to protect her because she was his sister. No. He would protect her because he was in love with her. For his feelings for her trumped their sibling relationship.
Sucking in a breath of cold air that almost caught inside her chest, Kari eventually worked up the courage to talk. However, could only repeat the same thing she had said on Saturday night, "I'm sorry for everything, Tai."
Unsure if his sister might still have an issue with him touching her, Tai reached out and took one of her gloved hands in his own. He felt her jump slightly at the contact, but she did not run or try to take her hand back. "I'm still not sure what you mean," he said as he turned to look at her, noticing that she still could not meet his gaze.
Kari kept her eyes focused on the water, unable to look at him. "I'm sorry for not talking to you for the past three days," she began, thinking it best to work backwards. "I'm sorry for breaking down on Saturday and for not being able to explain what happened." She paused and took another breath of cold air. She had to face him. Needed to look him in the eyes. He deserved that at least. From somewhere deep inside, she found the strength to shift her gaze to her brother's chocolate brown orbs. Even in the darkness, they shone brightly. "And I'm sorry for losing control of myself seven weeks ago and kissing you. For then telling you my secret and all the pain and trouble it has put you through since." Tears began to run down her chilly cheeks as she made that final apology; the hardest one she'd ever made.
Tai could not believe what he was hearing as his sister made her multiple apologies. Why was she saying sorry for the incident that had led to their discovery of each other's feelings? Yes, it had caused both of them some measure of pain and while he had borne the brunt of it, he had the scars to prove it, she had suffered two years' worth of it prior. While a look of confusion spread across his face, he knew that his eyes betrayed the fact that he felt slightly hurt. Where was she going with this? "Kari…" he breathed softly, unsure of what to say. "What are you saying? Why are you apologising for telling me your secret and for what's happened since?"
"Because you would have been better off never finding out," she wailed as hot tears continued to flow. "If you'd remained ignorant, you probably would have found someone to be happy with, eventually. All I've done is cause you pain and hurt and I am so, so sorry for all of it."
The shock of what she had just said hit Tai hard but he knew he had to endure the blow and reassure her that she did not need to apologise for what had happened between them. "Kari, that's not true…" he began, but she cut him off.
"…I caused you to start self-harming!" she exclaimed, that fact only now entering her thought process.
"That was my fault," Tai countered, still managing to keep a calm, steady tone. "I was stupid and should have told you from the start how I felt. And I've never felt happier than during the times I've spent with you since."
"That's how I've felt too," she conceded. "But the time in-between has been agony. Having you there right in front of me and being unable to express how I feel or touch you in any way that mom and dad would not approve of. And I know it's only going to get worse."
While her initial words felt reassuring, it was short-lived as the next hammer blow came. While he could not argue that the past three weeks had been difficult or that her assertion that the time when they could not express their feelings had hurt, he felt a creeping fear at her suggestion that it would only get worse. Was this heading where he thought it was..? That didn't bear thinking about. Unable to hide the concern from his tone, he replied, "what are you saying, Kari?"
"I don't know!" she cried in frustration, still unable to make a decision. "But I don't know if I can keep doing this. To continue putting both of us through this constant heartache."
"I know it's difficult, but we can get through it together," Tai replied. He gave her hand a light squeeze as he tried to reassure her that it would be ok. "We just need to keep talking to one another when we can."
"Have you thought about the future, Tai?" she asked, turning back to face the running water. She could tell that her brother hoped to talk her down, but she needed him to realise the truth she had come to understand earlier that night. "About what possible long-term future there is for us?"
Kari's question caught him off guard and threatened to derail his efforts to calm her. He hadn't given any thought to a long-term future for them. There had been so much to process these past few weeks that nothing beyond navigating the here and now had entered his thought process. And while he desperately wished he could tell her that he had, he was forced to tell the truth. "No. Not beyond the immediate future and how we keep this a secret from mom and dad."
"I hadn't either… until tonight." Kari confessed. "Like you, I've been so focused on keeping it a secret, that I hadn't realised the truth."
He frowned at her. "What truth, Kari?" he asked with trepidation. What had she come to realise that neither of them had thought of before now? His sister had always been the confident one on this subject from day one. The one who had been so sure about what she wanted and that she understood the difficulties. What truth could have shattered her resolve so devastatingly?
"That if we want to be together, we can't keep it a secret," she cried. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her brother tilt his head. However, when he did not reply, she turned back to face him and continued, "if mom and dad find out while we're still living under their roof, they'll be furious and ensure it stops."
Tai nodded in agreement. That was a given and something they both had known. Unfortunately, he sensed there was more to come, so he allowed her to continue.
"However, even if we managed to keep it a secret until we had both moved out, they'd find out when we started living together and probably disown us." She watched as realisation dawned on his face. "All our friends would eventually find out too and probably cease their association with us."
Tai let out a long sigh as the weight of what she said came down upon him. Desperately, he searched his mind for some reason or scenario in which her reality would not come to pass. Only there was none to be found. Eventually, he had to concede, "you're right. I never even considered what would happen in the long term."
"I thought I understood how hard it would be for us to have a relationship, but I realise now that I had barely scratched the surface…" Kari trailed off, unable to vocalise the reality of the situation. Her eyes drifting to the dark waters once more. It felt even worse now that she was talking to her brother about it and deep inside she could feel the inevitable endgame approach.
"It's a grim scenario," Tai said in resignation. He knew exactly what angle his sister had been coming from with her earlier comments now. And as much as he wanted to deny it, his heart could already feel the tip of the blade. "It'll be even worse if we were to ever split up," he then added, knowing that the comment only served as another nail.
"Do you see now why I'm sorry for everything? This is all my fault." Kari felt cold, un-gloved fingers reach out and touch her chin. She offered no resistance when he turned her head back to face him.
"Don't apologise for anything," Tai said softly, surprised that he still had the strength to keep his tone so calm. "This was something that both of us needed to do. Even if we didn't know it at the time."
His brilliant chocolate eyes were full of more sorrow than Kari had ever seen when he then said, "so what happens now?"
Her gaze shifted down at the hand he still held. "I don't know," she whispered. "I've wanted this for so long that I can't bear the thought of giving it up. But at the same time…"
"You don't know if you can bear the pain that it'll bring," Tai finished for her. He knew exactly how she felt. If these past few weeks had been agony, it might be nothing to how it might be for them the deeper their relationship became. Not to mention how it would feel if they arrived at this scenario further down the road. Eventually, he voiced the reality they faced, "are the sporadic highs that we can have worth the long periods when we can't be together? Not to mention everything that comes later on if we were to make it that far."
Kari raised her head to look at him once more. The entire bottom of her world now feeling as though it hung on by a thread and that a razor blade was slowly descending. "Answer me this," she asked, needing confirmation that he felt exactly the same way she did. "If we do this, will it break your heart?" Her voice started to crack when she uttered those final words and she started to feel cold at her core, despite the heavy layers of clothing.
No matter how hard they fought, Tai knew that this was one battle that they could not win. Perhaps it had been foolish of them to think a relationship could ever end any other way. That, one way or the other, this outcome had not been inevitable from day one. As the resignation set in he felt the fight leave his body and a single tear escaped from his left eye. In a whisper, he replied to her question with the painful truth, "yes."
"That makes two of us," Kari cried and dissolved into a flood of her own tears. Seeing Tai, her indomitable brother, shed a tear over her had been the final straw. She felt his strong arms wrap themselves around her and she buried her head into his chest.
"I love you, Kari. And I always will," Tai said in a voice that was quickly fracturing. "But you're right. This will only be harder the longer we let it go on." His tears flowed freely as he felt his own hand plunge the metaphorical knife into his heart. For that was the reality of the situation. They were breaking their own hearts now, when the pain would be less severe, in order to save each other from a worse fate at an inevitable later date.
"I love you too, Tai," she replied, forcing herself to sit up. Through blurry eyes, she could see two crooked lines running down his face and she knew that he too felt like his heart was being wrenched from his chest and shattered into a million pieces. "Will you do one last thing for me," she eventually managed to ask.
Tai nodded a wordless reply. How could he possibly refuse her one final request?
"Kiss me… one last time."
Amidst an ice-cold wind that had begun to blow through the night, their lips met like two flames joining to form one. A singular warm flame that embodied all the love and passion that they had held for one another. A sole fire that had burned so bright over the past few weeks. But one that extinguished the moment their lips parted. Whether they had been ignorant or simply ignored the truth from the start, for Tai and Kari Kamiya, the love they shared had reached its inevitable end.
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Authors Note:
Hey, Guys. Thank you for taking the time to read part three, I hope you all enjoyed it. If so, please do add this story to your follow/favourites list and/or leave a review. I really do want to hear all your thoughts on it.