Part Four: A Secret Discovered

Chapter Three: Close to the edge

Time was wearing on, but Kari Kamiya did not care. In fact, if you were to ask her, she would not have been able to tell you it at present. When the chime to signal the end of school had sounded, she had robotically packed away her things, stood up from her chair, tucked it in beneath her desk and walked out of the classroom without a word to anyone. In the hallway she had ignored the calls of three people, one of whom had been a teacher and another possibly Yolei, she did not really know, and made her way to the exit. Outside, she had headed straight to the main gate, leaving her bicycle in the bike racks and started to walk. She'd had no conscious destination in mind but eventually found herself beneath the bridge at the water's edge. The location of her worst memory.

Images flashed before Kari and she could see clearly, as though it were happening right now, ghostly apparitions of herself and Tai sitting on the slab of concrete. She watched on while echoed fragments of the conversation played in her mind.

"…I'm sorry for losing control of myself seven weeks ago and kissing you. For then telling you my secret and all the pain and trouble it has put you through since."

"…Why are you apologising for telling me your secret and for what's happened since?"

"Because you would have been better off never finding out. If you'd remained ignorant, you probably would have found someone to be happy with, eventually. All I've done is cause you pain and hurt and I am so, so sorry for all of it."

In silence, Kari stood, transfixed by the construct of her own mind. The harsh reality of the situation, that this was no creation of her imagination, driven home with each ethereal word, like a hammer hitting a stake through her heart.

"Have you thought about the future, Tai? About what possible long-term future there is for us?"

"No. Not beyond the immediate future and how we keep this a secret from mom and dad."

"I hadn't either… until tonight… I've been so focused on keeping it a secret, that I hadn't realised the truth."

"What truth, Kari?"

"That if we want to be together, we can't keep it a secret…"

Hot tears began to well up in Kari's eyes as the scene continued to play out. This was the heart of the matter. The truth she had come to realise and that she'd feared. No matter what way you washed it, that horrid stain remained. If she wanted a long-term relationship with Tai, it could not remain a secret. Only it had transpired that the alternative was worse.

"…so what happens now?"

"I don't know… I've wanted this for so long that I can't bear the thought of giving it up. But at the same time…"

"You don't know if you can bear the pain that it'll bring. Are the sporadic highs that we can have worth the long periods when we can't be together? Not to mention everything that comes later on if we were to make it that far."

Two wet lines streaked down Kari's cheeks and she opened her mouth to yell at the phantom image of herself. How desperately she wanted to scream that it would be worth it, that the alternative was more painful than she could possibly imagine. However, she could only watch on, helpless, as those final moments played out. And she felt the anguish of her heartbreaking all over again.

"If we do this, will it break your heart?"

"Yes."

"That makes two of us..."

"…Kiss me… one last time."

"NO!" Kari cried out as she was forced to relive the final moments of her relationship with Tai end with a singular kiss. She could not bear this… the hurt… the pain… the agony. After two years of longing and driving herself to the brink of insanity, against all possible odds and in defiance of logic, she had somehow got the one thing she had yearned for more than anything else in her life. And over three weeks, she had enjoyed the greatest moments of her life. Albeit separated by torturous days of torment… She would take those now. She would endure anything if it meant she could be with Tai. For not having him had transpired to be far worse. Only she couldn't. She had allowed her fear to overcome her and convinced her brother that they needed to end their relationship. Given it all up because she had not been strong enough to accept the cost of their long-term future. A cost that she might be willing to pay now. Except it did not matter. She had made her choice and would not put herself upon her brother. Not so close to his university entrance exam.

The ghostly apparitions of herself and Tai were gone now and Kari was left alone in the cold December air. The shards of her broken heart felt like knives as they stabbed into her. She had to do something, for the pain was now too much to bear. Involuntarily, her mind thought back to yesterday and the near-miss with the truck. Why could it not have just hit her? It would all have been over then.

"If you want it all to be over, then do it yourself," the thought flittered through her mind and a shiver ran down her spine.

"…" no argument was forthcoming to counter the thought.

"Turn around, Kari."

Hypnotically, as though in a trance, she followed the instruction.

"Good,"the thought came in a calm, almost soothing tone. Like it was lulling her to sleep. "You see it, don't you?"

"Yes," Kari whispered aloud, her tear-stained eyes finding the dark surface of the water.

"Then walk to the edge."

She began to walk, now completely under the spell cast by her own thoughts.

"That's it, Good Girl."

Kari reached the edge and her eyes looked down into the steady current as it made its way out towards Tokyo Bay. The water's depths looked so dark she could not help but be reminded of the dark ocean. In the back of her mind, she recalled having a similar thought before but quickly ignored it. There was little point dwelling on something that mattered nought anymore.

"Just one more step, Kari, and it'll all be over... All you need to do is lean forward…"

"I… c…c…can't," a voice from the depths of her mind cried out as one of her tears hit the water's surface.

"You can. Just lean forward. You want the pain to go away, don't you?"

"Y…y…yes, b…b…but…"

"Then do it,"the thought had an edge to it, something harsh that cut through the soft lulling tone.

"N…n…no. I…I…I…"

"Do it, Kari. Do it now."

"B…B…But…" the voice stammered helplessly.

"DO IT!"

Kari closed her eyes and leaned forward. This was it. It would all be over soon…

…Except she didn't fall. No dark icy water's swirled around her. Instead, she felt a strong arm wrapped around her waist. The suddenness of it all enough to shock her out of her trance. What had she almost done? "Tai," she whispered to herself, her mind superimposing the image of her brother onto her rescuer.

"Careful, young Lady, you almost fell in."

Turning her head, Kari gazed into the kind eyes of her rescuer; it wasn't Tai. She had no idea who this middle-aged man was. "I'm sorry," she breathed, not really knowing what else to say.

"No need to say sorry, young Lady. Are you ok?" the man asked.

Taking his offered hand, Kari allowed him to lead her away from the water's edge. "I think so," she lied. In truth, she was in no way shape or form ok. If not for the man's timely intervention, she would have thrown herself into the water and more than likely to her death. And she knew that part of her would have preferred that outcome. "I just got lost in thought and must have lost my balance."

The man gave her a sideways look and she knew that he had seen the tear lines on her face. "Are you sure?" he asked, not sounding like he believed her. "Would you like me to call someone to come get you?"

She desperately wanted to give him her phone and ask him to call her brother but knew she couldn't. Tai would be busy studying and he did not need the distraction of having to come and get her, followed by the discovery that she had almost committed suicide. She gave a brief thought instead to her parents but quickly rejected the idea. There would be too many awkward questions that she did not have the mental capacity to think up suitable lies for. So instead, she replied, "no thank you. I'll be fine."

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes. I think I want to go home now," Kari replied, feeling the need to surround herself with the safety of her bedroom walls. "Thank you for your help. I really need to learn to be more careful."

The man gave her one last look up and down. Perhaps considering whether or not she would return to the edge the moment he was out of sight. However, he eventually said, "well, if you're sure."

"I am. Thank you once again." She bowed her head in appreciation of his help.

"Be careful, young Lady," the man said with a nod, before uttering, "goodbye."

"Goodbye," she said softly and watched him walk away.

Taking one last look at the dark depths of the water, Kari headed for the steps and climbed back up to street level. Not even bothering to check the time, she started off in the direction of home.