October 16, 2010
There's a bittersweet feeling to having Carl back in his home. The boy's officially a teenager now, a birthday Shane missed just yesterday. Yet he looks at his still intact room and smiles like a shy little boy who expected all the other changes to Shane's home to extend here, too.
It reminds Shane that he will never be able to repay Morgan for his innate sense of belief that Carl would return one day. It probably didn't hurt that Duane was near enough to age that he delighted in the youthful room. They will make sure the boy gets a really good room next door.
"You gonna be okay with sharing with Patrick?" Shane asks, watching as Carl stirs his hand idly through a bin of Legos. Carl might not be here but as an occasional guest, depending on Lori's ideas and Rick's recovery, but his opinion counts.
"It would be like having a cousin, right? If you ever married before like Mom and Dad hoped."
Shane nods, feeling hopeful. "Exactly that. You just got him half grown and without a mom for your aunt."
"And the other kids." Carl is smoothing his hands across the Marvel superhero bedspread on the top bunk.
"Molly and Luke and Sophia, yeah." Emphasizing Fee's name is important here. Shane thinks Carl can easily accept the two orphans, because they have no one else. With Sophia's mother alive and well and firmly entrenched in a relationship with Daryl, that could be trickier.
Carl surprises him by grinning. "Sophia thought you were my dad when we first met. Said you were nice, and she looked a little jealous. I didn't understand it then, wanting someone else for a dad, not until I knew what her dad was."
Not who, but what Ed was. It's a perfect description of the dead man, and a sign of Carl's own growing maturity.
"It's different, I think, growing up with a dad you love and who loves you." It seemed to be for Rick and later for Carl, as far as Shane could tell. He wonders now, seeing the children grow to love him, whether his life would have been different if his mother could have trusted a man into their lives.
"I guess so." Carl frowns, hesitating. Blue eyes scan Shane, searching for something. "They said you went crazy like Dad did."
Shane clears his throat and takes a deep breath. It might be a saving grace for his psyche that his unravelling was at least hidden from Carl. "I did lose myself badly for a while. Not sure if it's the same as your dad, but it was pretty dark."
"Did you want to die?" Carl's voice quivers as Shane struggles with how to answer him. "Dad did. They tried to hide it from me, and at first, I only thought he was dangerous to others, and that's why he had to be locked up."
"How did you find out otherwise?" Taking the breathing space on answering is a little cowardly, but gathering his thoughts is important here. It feels like a tightrope he's walking in how much honesty is appropriate for Carl's age.
"Beth. I asked why she went to extra trouble to make his meals where there were no utensils needed. She explained what she did to herself, back at the farm."
Christ. Shane will be the third suicidal person Carl's experienced being around, depending on whether or not he realizes Jacqui's suicide for what it was that would make it four.
Shane pats the bottom bunk and sits himself, waiting on Carl to join him. "There was a point where I was, but it got better with time. I made a lot of decisions that I didn't feel capable of facing the consequences of. What you saw, me and your dad? That was as much on me as him."
Carl thinks it over, probably reliving what he saw in that field. "So Dad really can get better? Beth did and you did."
"If he wants to, yeah. It's got to come from him, Carl. He can't be guilted or forced into it." Shane runs a hand over his head, feeling anxious. "We've got the doc who can help. What worked for me might not for your dad."
The deep need to protect Sophia as the one good thing left to him in the world was his sole anchor to reality for a long time. Now it's the other children, too. Having friends that aren't just Rick and Lori is another safety net. Rick's may be entirely different.
"Okay." Carl leans in for a hug, nestling close like Sophia does. Shane's glad that the easy affection seems to still be there for him and Carl. "How do I help?"
Shane holds him tight. "You do what you need to be happy, Carl. Let your dad handle his recovery. Seeing you're safe and doing well, I imagine that will help. Take some time to talk to the doc, too."
"Do the other kids talk to him?"
Shane can understand the fear of being the only kid seeing the shrink, even without the stigma it would have had before. "They all do, even Duane. It's not sitting in an office and talking. It might be you helping him build a fence and sharing as you need to. Or maybe you can take him out to fish and talk in private."
Eastman is good at what he does, to the point Shane thinks the younger kids don't even realize they're being counseled. It's an approach that will appeal to Carl, feeling like he is in control of it. The kid is enough like his mother in that.
"Think Patrick will be okay with the bottom bunk?" Carl's obviously hit his limit for emotional discussion.
"I honestly think he would prefer it, but Luke is scared of the top bunk." Patrick would sleep on the floor if it made the two smaller kids happy. It's one of the issues the other teen is working on with Eastman.
"That'll make it easy. Is everyone moving around?"
"A little bit. Michonne and Andre are moving in with the girls, Luke will stay with me, and Carol and Daryl are going to borrow Michonne's room."
Luke was thrilled to bunk with him, still babyish enough at five not to need independence even without the regression issues Molly has. When he originally offered for Carol to stay, he didn't think Carl would be allowed to stay here, so juggling became necessary. It keeps Molly mostly in her own space, too.
Carl laughs, standing before frowning. "Crap. I kinda didn't think about clothes or anything."
"Borrow something from Patrick tonight and tomorrow. We can get the rest sorted later." Shane knows this might not last, Carl staying, and even if it does, he expects it to end up part time once everyone settles in. Much like the agreement he has with Carol about Sophia, truly.
At least the boys are similar in size, even if Carl's frame is more solidly healthy. Sophia is already taller than both boys by at least four inches. Even though she wears more boy's clothing than girl's, he figures it would be weird to suggest Carl borrow anything of hers even without the height issue.
"Gotta spread showers out a little in the evenings, buddy. You see the schedule on the door?"
Shane already had a good hot water heater, but Merle showed him how to install a bigger one. They also rerouted the well water to just the sinks, installing a side system from the lake for showers and toilets. It isn't likely the well will tap out, not with the water table here, but why risk it? It's filtered, but they don't consider it completely drinkable from the lake.
"Somebody penciled me in, yeah."
Figuring the teen got used to crowded living in the other compound, Shane smiles. "Got a game night going, if you want to play. They'll probably let you pick tonight, but I'll warn you, no one beats Michonne at Monopoly."
"Do you have Life?"
Shane laughs, remembering Carl's love of that particular game. "I think we liberated every game possible, to be honest."
Life is one that won't make sense to kids like Luke and Andre eventually. He suspects it would be like playing a purely fantasy game. But for now, it soothes the older kids to have something familiar.
"Alright. I'll send Patrick to get you fixed up for a shower."
The other teen understands easily, so Shane goes looking for the other kids. He finds Luke asleep on the couch, curled up next to Merle where the older man is reading from what seems to be a textbook. He has his prosthetic off and the stump uncovered, comfortable for the evening. Daryl's watching his brother indirectly from his spot at the bar, gaze going between him and Carol and Sophia in the kitchen doing post-supper cleanup.
"Chonne took Andre and Molly down to empty the scrap buckets," Sophia tells him.
It makes sense. Both kids are fascinated with the compost bin for the vegetable waste, and any meat scraps go into a bucket for catfish stink bait. Like most toddlers, Andre really likes that part, watching an adult make faces as the stench hits them when the bucket is opened.
"Nothing goes to waste much around here, does it?" Carol asks, drying the dish Sophia hands her.
"Ninety-nine percent of those ideas are Fee's." Shane isn't sure a compost pile or making his own bait would have really come to mind for him. "Did she show you her books?"
"She did. Did she leave any non-fiction behind at the library?"
Shane laughs, shrugging. "Not much. Mostly things we couldn't find a use for."
"Daryl did the same with Beth. Birds of a feather, these kids."
Looking at the younger Dixon, Daryl just shrugs when he sees he has Shane's attention. "Know enough to know I didn't know everything the kids needed to know. This ain't the world most of them grew up in, and just teaching them to hunt and forage ain't enough."
"Could set up a classroom with winter coming," Merle suggests, drawing everyone's attention. "But instead of memorizing their fifteenth round of the history of the revolutionary or civil war, they go over the real world skills."
"Don't we do that already?" Sophia asks, but she looks intrigued.
"We do, but it's haphazard, and you get sidetracked into new ideas before you finish the old a lot of the time, unless it's your gardens."
The astute assessment of Sophia's need to learn everything being a distraction doesn't surprise Shane like it once would have, coming from Merle. He watches Sophia consider that, proud of her when she nods.
"Alright. Maybe you can get it started."
Merle looks genuinely surprised at the suggestion. "Pretty sure Chonne or your mama or Morgan might be better for that."
It makes Sophia shake her head, pointing at the textbook in his lap. "You read that kind of thing for fun, just like I do, and you're a good teacher. You know how to make things make sense."
At first, Shane thinks the man will turn it down. He looks uncertain in a way that seems foreign on Merle's face. In the end, though, Sophia's challenge and trust wins him over. "Alright. I'll see what I can come up with."
What makes Shane shift his attention to Daryl, he can't say, but the open affection on the man's face is good to see toward Merle. Maybe Rick and Shane aren't the only brothers who can dig themselves back out of a hole their bold personalities dug them into. He knows Michonne worries about Merle's sobriety, in the face of the Dixon family dynamic returning.
So far, though, all Shane sees is a younger brother wanting to believe in something he thinks Daryl gave up as a lost dream probably a long time ago. Both seem to have changed a lot from the men Shane met at the quarry, so he thinks it's possible they'll reinforce each other's changes instead of undercut them.
The noise of the returning trio rouses Luke from his nap, which recharged the boy's batteries as usual. By the time the evening routine plays out, Shane's watched Carl meld easily into the group of kids, since Duane popped over for a while. It makes him think of the two other girls who aren't here, three if the baby is counted.
He doesn't bring it up, because Michonne told him about her impromptu leadership assumption and why. Inviting Beth to game nights is probably pitching gasoline on the fire that hasn't been put out yet. But it obviously shows that something's on his mind, because Michonne ends up perched on Luke's side of the bed, running a gentle hand over the boy's back.
"What got you thinking so hard?"
"Our kids here, they have each other. Even Carl fits in like he's always been part of the group. But that leaves some of the others without the same interactions with kids."
Michonne smiles at him, giving him one of those soft looks that still make him feel undeserving of her open affection. "And while the others might send their kids down here, you figure that Beth won't be allowed, even if it's just the kids."
"Yeah. I was thinking, maybe a neutral place for all the kids. Might merge with an idea Merle had about formalizing the practical skills the kids need."
"Beth actually already agreed to join in my self-defense classes, so I doubt her family will be able to stop her from going where she likes. But having a little school house that can double as a place for them to hang out sounds good. We could convert the old shop the landscaper used."
"It would be nice to have a central location now that we're all spread out more. Hell, I haven't even met Paul's people yet."
"I hope you prepared, because I invited them for breakfast."
Shane grins, shaking his head. "It's your home, too, Michonne."
He doesn't shy away when she takes his hand where it is tucked against Luke. Her thumb rubs along his skin. "The baby's not a nebulous idea anymore, is she?"
"No." The rounded belly dominating Lori's too thin frame is still hard to really believe. "For months, I knew, but her admitting it? Letting me see Carl again? I never expected that."
Hell, he expected influence against him with Sophia, to be honest. But the group fractured and remade itself into something entirely different than the festering mess they were at the Greene Farm. Whether it's stronger or not, he doesn't know yet, but Carol and Carl certainly seem settled in themselves.
"A baby is going to be a lot different than these kids."
"I figured as much." Shane isn't sure if she's not asking more out of politeness or wariness due to their undefined relationship hovering beyond friendship but not making them a couple yet.
"Chonne? It feels good, knowing we might be friends again, me and Lori. Stumbling together like we did was easy, because she always looked after me in her own way. Never saw me as not family because it wasn't a blood tie. But what happened once Rick was back? Friends is all we go back to."
Lori was kind and apologetic, but even if he could forgive himself, there's too much to ever be more than co-parents. That's without even considering where Rick fits in or not.
"We'll get it figured out."
Shane likes the continued sound of that 'we'. He was afraid that seeing Lori would change the slow growing care he has for Michonne. The intensity of his feelings when facing losing Lori is something he knows wasn't just about the woman herself. That fierce need seems distant and incomplete with what he has now.
But clarifying how he feels toward Michonne is probably not a conversation or change to make now, in the midst of other major changes. Instead, for once, he tamps down on impulse and just enjoys that someone cares enough to notice when something is on his mind.
A/N: Kind of a weird chapter to bridge a few things before probably doing a small time hop for the next Furnished chapter so we get more progress than we're seeing.
Next Furnished chapter will be Daryl, Sophia, and possibly Merle related.