Part Four: A Secret Discovered
Chapter Seven: Perfect sense – part two
Kari sat on her bed with her back resting against her propped up pillow. She would have rather huddled herself on the floor, where she belonged, but knew it would only make life harder for herself when her mother eventually came for the inevitable talk. After Tai had left, she'd cried some more and felt the same level of pain that had led her to the edge of the river earlier that evening. However, she had resisted the urge to go out onto the balcony. At present, she could not trust herself. Instead, she had sought a distraction and it had come in the form of the new CD's her brother had just bought for her. One at a time she had ripped them to her laptop and copied them over to her music player.
The Mike Oldfield album, Guitars, had been the first on her playlist. While not as good as his other albums, she had still found quite a lot to enjoy about it. She had moved onto Pink Floyds The Division Bell next. Slowly, Kari opened her eyes and let out a short breath. An instrumental track had just given her a momentary reprieve from the world and it had been bliss. From inside the pocket of her plain blue jeans, she felt her phone begin to vibrate. She ignored it as the haunting notes of the next track began and it rang out. A few moments later and it started again. Sighing in irritation, she reached into her pocket and pulled it out. She had no intention of answering it, however, she fully intended to put the device on silent so it could disturb her no more. Flipping her phone open, her reddish-brown eyes widened when she saw the identity of the caller; Tai. Why on earth would her brother be phoning her from across the hallway? Hastily, Kari tore off her headphones and hit the answer button.
"Tai?" she said in confusion as she brought the device up to her ear.
"Kari," her brother replied, sounding relieved that she had answered. "Kari, did you get the text I sent you about an hour ago?"
"No," she replied. She briefly took the phone away from her ear, glanced at the screen and saw the icon that indicated she had an unread message. "Tai, what's…"
Her brother swiftly cut her off, "I don't have time to explain and I don't want to say it over the phone, just in case Mom overhears. You need to read that message now before she comes to talk to you. If you have any questions, text me."
"Ok…" Kari began, now even more confused. What on earth could be that important and secretive that he could not say aloud? "Tai, what's going on?"
"Kari, I'm really sorry, but I didn't have a choice. Just read the message." A feeling of dread began to wash over her as she listened to her brother's words. What had he done? She had no time to reply before he said, "I going to hang up now, just know that I'm sorry."
"Tai, wait," Kari said quickly, but the line had gone dead. Damn it. What the hell was going on?
With little choice, other than getting up and going through to see her brother, she opened her messages and saw two from him. The top one read, "ok, I know you're probably mad at me, but please let me know if you got my last message." Other than raising the question, what would she be mad for, it was of little help. She closed it quickly and opened the next one down.
"Ok, so mom just interrogated me about what's wrong with you and I had to tell her something. I'm really sorry, but I had no choice. She knows something serious is bothering you and it's cutting her up inside that you won't talk to her. I told her that you had been dating someone that you'd fallen for two years ago and that it broke your heart when you had to break up with him. I gave her no details other than that. She's going to come talk to you in an hour. I'm really sorry, Sis."
Kari's eyes widened as she read her brother's message and she felt a cocktail of anger and rage begin to steadily grow inside her with each passing word. He had told their mother. How dare he! Granted he had obviously not revealed the identity of her boyfriend. The fact the apartment building still stood was testament to that. However, it sounded very much like he had told the woman exactly what was bothering her. Never before could she recall feeling so much anger towards Tai. By what right did he think he could tell their mother about her personal feelings? The inevitable conversation with her mom would have been difficult enough. Now it had just become exponentially more so. Betrayed did not quite sum up how she felt at this moment.
Virtually seething, Kari looked at the time Tai had sent the message and then the clock at the top of the screen. Bastard! Her mom would be knocking at her door any minute now. Her mind quickly tried to give her some options. However, it quickly became apparent that she only had two. Either she let her mom in and got the conversation over with, or she refused and simply delayed it until tomorrow, or the next day. Regardless, sooner or later, her mom would corner her and force the discussion upon her.
A few moments later, she heard the inevitable knock on her door; far gentler than she would have expected. "Kari," her mom said softly from the other side, "can I come in?"
The mild-mannered way in which her mother had made the request threw Kari. Given their argument earlier, she had expected her door to have been blown off its hinges. Instead, she could detect a hint of sorrow in her mother's voice. She sighed, slid off her bed and moved towards the door. Rolling her eyes, she took a deep breath and opened it.
Her mother stood in the doorway and Kari could immediately see the concern and worry on her face. It seemed that Tai had been right about the situation cutting her up inside. Somehow that made the whole situation worse. A heated screaming match she could have dealt with. However, that seemed to be the furthest thing from her mother's mind at present. Her earlier anger seemingly having evaporated. Damn Tai. Kari moved away from the door to allow her mom to cross the threshold.
"Can I sit down?"
Everything from her mother's movements to her tone and the content of her words suggested she wished to avoid a confrontation at all costs. And Kari got the feeling that she was being treated like an injured dog that would be liable to bite your hand off if you made the wrong move. She nodded in response and closed the door as her mother took up a position on the bed.
"Come sit with me," her mom said softly and patted the spot beside her.
Cautiously, Kari did as she was bid and sat down. She looked upon her mother's face. A face that resembled an older version of her own, except for the eye colour, which was more of a match with Tai's. A glimpse at her own future perhaps, if she should be so lucky. For a woman just over forty, she had the youthful appearance of someone ten years her junior. Kari opened her mouth to say something, what exactly she had not figured out, but was saved the embarrassment of having to close it again.
"Kari, I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier," her mother began, sounding completely sincere. "It's just… you've been so closed off lately and I've failed to reach you… I suppose I was just as angry with myself as I was with you."
The sadness in her mom's voice cut Kari right to her core. Until tonight, she had believed that she had managed to maintain a decent façade of fake happy. Much like she had done for a full year after her breakup with TK. However, it was quickly becoming apparent that her sorrow surrounding the end of her relationship with Tai had been too great to contain. Her mom had clearly noticed and it seemed that her actions had hurt the woman deeply. And that made the whole situation worse. She had never wanted nor intended to hurt anyone. Alas, it appeared that she had done just that.
Kari could not hold her mother's gaze and instead looked down at her feet when she said, "I'm sorry, Mom."
She could feel a fresh set of tears starting to form and had to fight in order to stop them from pouring forth. Ever since the breakup, it seemed like all she did was cry. Kari felt an arm wrap itself around her shoulder and soon found herself pulled into a hug. While not the same as being within Tai's strong embrace, she felt a certain childlike security within her mother's. Yet she could not wash away the small part of her that felt guilty. A guilt normally associated with having broken someone's trust. For that was what she now felt she had done in having illicit relations with her brother.
"It's going to be alright," her mom soothed and Kari could sense that the woman felt surer of herself as a mother than she had done five minutes ago. "I spoke with your brother earlier, but I suspect he's already told you that."
Kari pulled back slightly and looked at her mom with slight amazement. How did she know?
The woman let out a light laugh. "You seriously think I don't know my own children? You and you're brother have always had a close relationship. Closer than most siblings I suspect." She gave Kari a smile. "And you both always tried to warn each other when I was on the warpath."
If only you knew the truth, Mother, Kari thought. You would not be smiling then. If you knew what your children had done together, you would once more find yourself on the warpath.
Her mother then gave her a kind but serious look. "I think you should tell me everything."
Perhaps it was her own paranoia, but for a moment, Kari wondered if Tai had accidentally let something slip, or if their mother really did know her own children. For she had trouble shaking the feeling that her mom knew more than she was letting on. A brief thought to confessing her sins, brought on by the slight pang guilt, floated through her mind. She quickly rejected it. This could simply be her mom's way of giving her enough rope with which to hang both herself and Tai. And while she felt unfamiliar feelings of hate towards her brother at present, she had no desire to see him crucified. Even though, as per usual, she would probably get off lighter. No, she would do as he had and tell an altered version of the truth. Her mother relinquished her hold on her as she motioned to sit up straight.
"It all started a few years ago," she began, calling to mind a real event that would serve as a good starting point from which to spin her lie. "Some of the older boys had taken to harassing the girls in my year. It had started out as just an irritation, so most of the girls ignored them. However, their actions slowly started to escalate."
Her mother frowned at her, apparently unhappy that this was the first she had heard of this, but allowed her to continue.
"They'd left me alone, however, when they started picking on my friends, I got angry and yelled at them. It was enough to draw their attention and they cornered me after school that day. I don't know what they planned to do, but they were stopped by one of the other boys in their year." Kari paused for a moment. Everything so far was true. The lie would come in the form of the identity of her saviour. Instead of her brother's name, she said, "his name was Takato."
Her mother arched her eyebrows and pursed her lips slightly. Clearly, she'd figured out where this was headed and Kari knew she would not approve of her having dated an older boy. However, given that the relationship had ended, she would probably be spared the full disapproval act.
"I was so infatuated that I couldn't stop thinking about him. And we sort of became friends a few weeks later after I saved him from detention."
"How did you manage that?" her mother asked curiously. She must have been desperate to hear the whole story as her voice contained none of the disapproval that had shown on her face moments earlier.
"We bumped into each other outside school one morning. I was running late because I'd tripped and hurt my leg," Kari replied, her mind quickly recalling an incident that had occurred between herself and Davis. "Before the vice-principle caught us, I gave Takato my bag, then explained that he had picked me up after my fall and helped me limp to school, that was why he was late."
She paused to allow this story to sink in and give her mother the chance to scrutinise it. Only the woman elected not to. Instead, she asked, "did the two of you spend much time together?"
"Not at first," Kari answered, sensing a hint of disbelief in her mother's tone. To be fair, it was understandable. She had already stated that Takato was a few years older than her and at that age (she would have been thirteen) it generally made a difference when it came to who you were friends with. However, she had already come up with a plausible answer. "It was several months before we hung out with any sort of frequency. We both grew comfortable around each other because we had no expectation of the other. That and all the girls in his year flirted with him constantly. I think my company must have been refreshing for him."
"I thought you said you were infatuated with him?" her mother probed, still sounding slightly sceptical.
"I was, but I never let it show." She forced herself to give a small smile. "You know me, I'm not the flirting sort."
Her mother nodded in agreement. It was advice she had given to her during the talk. If a boy doesn't take notice of you because of who you are, then he's not worth it. "So what happened between the two of you?"
Kari deliberately turned back to look at the floor and feigned a look of sorrow. "Just over two years ago, Takato got a girlfriend." She was now into the territory of a full-blown lie. Unfortunately, Tai had screwed her over on this one and so she needed to come up with something that would explain her relationship with TK. Damn Tai. "He was so excited about it that I had no choice but to appear happy for him. However, deep inside I felt so jealous that I think that's when I realised my feelings were more than just infatuation."
"So how does TK fit into this," her mother probed. "You seemed pretty happy when you were with him."
The question arrived right on cue and she already had the answer prepared. This was where she could return to the truth. "TK asked me out a few weeks after Takato started dating Rika." She threw in a name for her fake boyfriend's fake girlfriend just to add a little substance to the story. "I said yes to try and take my mind off of Takato and for a long time, it seemed to work. In the first six months or so we had a lot of fun."
"What happened?" her mother's tone had shifted more to one of concern. Kari had never divulged the full details of what happened between herself and TK to her.
"Things between us started to get more serious. And I soon realised that, although TK loved me, I was not in love with him. Every time he kissed me, I kept wondering what it would be like if it was Takato kissing me instead…" she trailed off at the memory of kissing the blonde boy while thinking about Tai. Maybe it would have been better if the taste and feel of her brother's kiss had been left to her imagination.
Her mom, clearly having picked up on her sorrow, placed a hand around her shoulder once more. "Is that why you broke up with him?"
"He tried to give me a promise ring on our one-year anniversary date." While she had made peace with what she had done that night, due to her heightened emotional state, a few tears slid down her cheek. "I broke his heart that night when I ended things."
"Oh, Kari," her mom said softly as she pulled her into another hug. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I felt so guilty for having not done it sooner… and TK didn't make it easy for me…"
They sat in relative silence for a few minutes while her mom soothed her. Unfortunately, Kari knew that there was far worse to come. And she shuddered to think about the state she would be in when it came time to talk about her breakup with Tai/Takato. When eventually her tears subsided and she had regained her composure, she continued with her story. "After I broke up with him, TK and I had several fights in quick succession. And I soon became angry with him for not leaving me alone. So angry that I started going out with Davis as a sort of fuck you."
"Kari, watch your language," her mom instinctively reprimanded; she was not one for expletives.
"Sorry," she replied quickly. "Anyway, that relationship, though fun for a few weeks, didn't last long. I knew then that I was in love with Takato, one-hundred per cent. However, not only was he not available, the whole experience with TK and Davis had left me feeling scared to get involved with someone else."
"But you eventually did," her mother encouraged, in a tone that suggested she was worried that Kari would close herself off again.
"Takato broke up with Rika a few months ago." She was back in lie territory but knew she could easily twist it into the truth. "He was quite upset when he told me, so I took him into town for the day to try and help him forget…" she trailed off again, this time recalling the fateful day on which she kissed Tai for the first time.
Her mom gave her a light squeeze and rubbed her right shoulder for encouragement. "Just take your time, Kari. Don't try to force it out."
She took a deep breath and forced thoughts of Tai from her mind. She needed to stay focused, otherwise, she ran the risk of slipping up. Something that could prove disastrous, should her brother's name accidentally pass her lips instead of Takato's. "Takato cheered up a lot over the course of the day and so we went back to his place. We started to joke and mess around and eventually ended up wrestling on the floor…" the moment between herself and Tai flashed through her mind again, "…and I accidentally kissed him."
Her mother let out a sigh, though it was not of scorn or derision, rather one that suggested she understood exactly what must have been going through Kari's head at the time. "What did you do?" she then asked
"I was so embarrassed and scared that I quickly left and ran all the way home. Takato must have called me a hundred times that night, but I couldn't answer him." She had to pause for a moment to figure out exactly how she would have reacted in a situation where the individual in question could not jump a balcony so as to get into her bedroom. "I ignored all his calls and messages for the next few days, however, he was persistent and turned up when I finished school one evening. He eventually got me to talk to him and I told him how I felt. It turned out that he liked me too. But given that we'd both been burned in our previous relationships, we decided not to rush into anything. I guess you could say we sort of danced around the fringes of making it an actual thing for a week or two."
"That was a very sensible thing to do," her mom said with a smile that indicated she felt a small sense of pride in the way her daughter had conducted herself. "Most young people have a habit of rushing into things that they're not ready for."
"Eventually, Takato realised that he didn't just like me, that he was in love with me." The moment where her brother had professed his love for her filled Kari's mind and she could do nothing to stop fresh tears from pouring forth. "I can't put into words how happy I felt that day, or on any of the subsequent days."
Her mother gently started to soothe her again and waited until her tears had subsided before throwing her a curveball, "was this Takato the reason for your recent wardrobe choices and," she picked up a few strands of Kari's lit match hair, "this?"
She let out a small chuckle. "Sorry, Mom, but that's all on me. Takato had nothing to do with it. In fact, he found the idea that I wanted to get a tattoo abhorrent. Apparently, I have really nice skin and it would be a crime to brand it."
"I should think so too," her mother replied firmly. "At least this boy seems to have some common sense."
"It doesn't matter what he has now," Kari whispered dejectedly.
An awkward silence hung in the air, her mother perhaps realising that what she had said lacked tact. "I'm sorry, Kari," she then said and held her tightly. After a few moments, she then asked, "why did it end?"
Hot tears started to pour forth with reckless abandon as for the second time that day, she was forced to relive the painful memory of her breakup with Tai. At this point, it was almost impossible for Kari to concoct a lie to take the place of the bitter truth, but somehow she managed it. "Just over a month ago, Takato's father got confirmation of his transfer from his companies Tokyo office to their one in the USA. The whole family is moving out there, including Takato… it broke both our hearts the night he told me and we realised we had to end things…" Kari dissolved into a complete bubbling wreck. Her words may have been a lie, but the feelings were genuine.
"Oh, Kari. I'm so sorry," her mom said as she held her daughters sobbing head against her chest. "I really am. A broken heart is one of the worst things a person can experience, especially if they were genuinely in love. But you can heal. You can learn to move on."
"How?" Kari wailed. "How do I move on when I know that the person whom I'm in love with still wants to be with me, but we can't?"
"Well," an awkward pause followed her mom's opening remark and Kari knew that she was struggling to think of something helpful. To her knowledge, her mother had never suffered heartbreak. So how could she possibly offer her any helpful advice? "I think the most important thing is that you've started to talk about it. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside is never healthy and only makes things worse." There was another pause before her mother said, very carefully, "why don't you tell me about what happened down by the river this evening."
Kari gulped at the reminder of the fact that she had yelled at her mother about her attempt to throw herself into the river earlier that day. In the course of telling her semi-truthful story, she had forgotten all about it. Slowly, she said, "that was the last place I saw him… the place where we broke up." She let out a sigh. She knew what question would be coming next and it was time for an outright lie.
The genuine look of sympathy she received from her mother did little to soothe her. However, when her mom then asked, in a shaky voice, "did you try to throw yourself in the river?" Kari deliberately turned her gaze to the floor.
"No," she said as calmly as she could. "I'm sorry, Mom. I was angry earlier and wanted to say something that would hurt you."
She sneaked a sideways glance at her mother's expression and saw, slightly to her surprise, a look of relief. Nevertheless, the woman asked, "are you sure?"
"Yes. I did go down to the river, but I didn't try to throw myself in."
"Ok," her mom breathed, her tone now matching her expression. "On balance I'd rather it be that than the alternative."
Kari lifted her head and turned to look at the woman again. "I'm really sorry if I hurt you, Mom. I think something just snapped inside me earlier."
Her mother pulled her into another hug. "It's ok, Kari. We all say and do things that we don't really mean sometimes, especially when we're hurting like you are. The important thing is that you're safe and that you've started to talk about it. However, you need to keep talking about how you're feeling. If you shut yourself away from the world, the pain will only get worse. Do you understand?"
"I understand," Kari answered. At this point, she wanted nothing more than for the conversation to end.
Her mom gave her shoulder a reassuring rub. "If you need to talk at any point, about anything, I'll always be here."
"I know."
With one final squeeze, her mother released Kari from the hug and stood up. "When you're feeling a bit better, I'm going to take you shopping." The woman let out a small sigh, before adding, "even if it means going to ."
A faint, half-smile formed on Kari's lips. While she had reverted back to wearing what remained of her old wardrobe, she could not hide the slight feeling of satisfaction that came from hearing her mother's semi-acceptance of her alternate style. "Ok," she replied. Although she still could not envisage a time when she would feel any better.
"Would you like something to eat?" her mom then asked when she reached the door.
"No thank you. I think I'm going to go to bed."
"If you're sure." Her mother opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. "Goodnight, Kari," she said as she closed it behind her.
Kari let out a very long, deep breath. That had been difficult. Damn Tai for throwing her under the bus like that. Shakily she stood up, stripped of her clothes and changed into her pyjamas. Picking up her headphones from where they had been abandoned on the bed surface, she pulled them on and climbed in under the covers. Today had been long and agonising and now she just wanted it to be over. She would deal with how she'd wound up at the river's edge later. For now, she just wanted to listen to some music and try to slip into unconsciousness. Selecting The Division Bell on her music player, she lay back, closed her eyes and waited for the delicate opening piano notes to penetrate the low buzz and hiss that gently led the listener into the album.