A/N Obi-Wan is suffering from survivor's guilt, PTSD and depression, even if these are not outright mentioned, so if these trigger you it will be best not to read this chapter.
I hope you enjoy this!
Obi-Wan felt nothing, he just felt numb. It had been four days since he had been taken out of the bacta tank on Jafan and during the one-day journey through hyperspace back to the Temple, he had kept himself to the quarters he and his Master shared. Master Windu himself had travelled to Jafan to help pilot their ship back to the Temple, due to Master Thyban's grief and keeping vigil beside the stretcher that Rialni had been placed on. Her and Master Thyban's robes wrapped tightly around her, covering her body and face from view. Obi-Wan had laid on his bed in his quarters, not once leaving his bed, let alone the room, he couldn't bring himself to face Master Thyban. He knew he was the reason why the Master had lost his Padawan, if he had only been more careful and spoke to his Master rather than try to be independent, Rialni would have still been alive.
Once their ship docked in the Temple's hanger and his Master had entered their quarters to tell him. Obi-Wan pushed himself to his feet with a grimace. While his injuries had been mostly healed, he had been informed by the Jafani Healers that he would still need to take time to allow his left hip to fully heal, the injury at this point was a constant dull ache. His Master guided him to his side with an outstretched hand, which then rested on his shoulder. Usually Obi-Wan would lean into his Master's presence, but found himself unable to as they walked into the common area of the ship. Obi-Wan came to a sudden stop and swallowed back tears as he watched as Masters Windu and Thyban began to guide the stretcher Rialni was placed on out of the ship and down the ramp. Master Thyban's brown eyes were glazed over with grief and his usually bright, perfectly styled blonde hair was dim and a mess, as if the Master had been constantly running a hand through his hair. The Master's grief was heavy in the Force and once again Obi-Wan condemned himself for not trying hard enough to prevent Rialni's death.
Obi-Wan walked stiffly beside his Master as they walked down the ship's ramp, the downward angle of the ramp causing pain to shoot through his hip with every step he took. His gaze flickered over the gathered crowd in the hanger. The crowd mostly contained Padawans who shared lessons with him and Rialni, his best friends were there trying to capture his attention, the Council headed by a grieving Master Yoda was there, Rialni's older brother-Padawan and sister-Padawan were there, their eyes wide in grief and finally, stood beside Master Dooku was his old Creche Master, Master Jasal.
Once he reached the bottom of the ramp, Obi-Wan found himself jerking to a stop when Master Jasal and his Grandmaster were suddenly standing in front of him. Master Dooku rested a gentle hand on his free shoulder, "I am so glad to see you Grandpadawan." Master Dooku's voice was rough, as if he was holding back tears. Obi-Wan just nodded once, he had found himself unable to talk since being taken out of the bacta tank, he knew he was worrying his Master, but he just found himself unable to care. Who cared if he couldn't talk? At least he was alive, unlike Rialni. If he had spoken to his Master when he had the chance, Rialni's life might have been saved.
"Obi-Wan."
He turned his gaze to Master Jasal, the elderly Jedi's face was lined with sadness which seemed to deepen the wrinkles on his face. The emerald eyes did not shine with humour like they normally did, but kindness and care were clearly reflected in the wise eyes. The old Master held out his arms to his sides and without hesitation Obi-Wan pulled his shoulders free from his Master's and Grandmaster's holds and flung himself forward into the arms of his old Creche Master. Master Jasal's arms tightened around him and he buried his face into the worn brown robe, just as he used to when he was a youngling, his hands gripping the old robe tightly. A hand was rubbed up and down his back as Master Jasal rested his chin on Obi-Wan's head and murmured soothing words into his hair. Through the slightly faded care bond, a bond all Creche Masters had with their youngling charges, Obi-Wan felt love and protection envelop him just as tightly as the arms around his body.
"Obi-Wan?" he flinched hearing Bant's soft voice. Through the Force he felt Bant, Quinlan, Reeft and Garen all standing close to him, but he wasn't ready to face his friends. He was already the cause of the death of one of his friends, the thought that one day he could lead another friend to their death broke another part of him. In response he burrowed closer to Master Jasal, hiding his face from view.
"Why don't you return to your quarters young ones? Obi-Wan needs time to recover," stated Master Jasal, his words making his chest vibrate.
"Come on, let's leave Obi in peace," murmured Reeft. Obi-Wan felt the presences of his friends fade away as they left the hanger. A part of him felt guilty for ignoring them, but he felt it was better for his friends to never be near him again. It might just save their lives one day to never be close to him again.
"Obi-Wan, are you ready to return to our quarters?" his Master asked from behind him. Obi-Wan just remained pressed against Master Jasal, the thought of walking through the corridors of the Temple filling him with dread. Just the thought of his fellow Jedi looking at him and knowing he was the reason why a Padawan was lost, broke through the numbness that he had been feeling for four days.
"I've got you little spark," murmured Master Jasal, the old nickname the Master called him due to his copper hair, brought unshed tears to his eyes. Obi-Wan felt the Force surge around him and the next thing he knew, Master Jasal moved him so Obi-Wan's arms were wrapped around the old Master's neck as his old Creche Master began to carry him out of the hanger. Normally Obi-Wan would have shied away from being carried like a youngling in the creche through the Temple, but because of the numbness that had spread throughout his body, he found that he didn't care what anyone thought. As he buried his face in the crook of Master Jasal's shoulder, he peaked his eyes over the old Master's shoulder and observed his Master and Grandmaster walking behind them. Master Qui-Gon's face was creased in worry and he seemed to be drawing strength from the hand Master Dooku had rested on his shoulder. Obi-Wan looked away from his Master and Grandmaster and burrowed his face into Master Jasal's shoulder once again.
Soon enough they reached the quarters he shared with Master Qui-Gon, he sensed his Master unlocking the door and then he felt Master Jasal carrying him into the living space. He frowned in confusion sensing another presence in the room, he lifted his face away from the safe space that was the crook of Master Jasal's neck, and found his older brother-Padawan Feemor stood next to the low coffee table.
"Hello there, little brother," greeted Feemor with a sad smile. Obi-Wan gently wriggled free of Master Jasal's grasp and ignoring the jolt of pain from his hip once he landed on his feet, he rushed forward and threw himself at Feemor. The blonde-haired Knight only reacted by hugging Obi-Wan to him tightly. "I'm here little brother, I'm here." Obi-Wan began to feel himself shake in response, he sensed Feemor took this to suggest his injury was sapping his strength and hurriedly moved them to the sofa. In reality, Obi-Wan was shaking because he was raked with guilt. He was the cause of Rialni's death, so why should he get to receive comfort from his lineage and former Creche Master. He didn't deserve it.
Qui-Gon stood at the edge of his living space watching as Feemor gripped Obi-Wan tightly. It appeared his first Padawan was reassuring himself that his brother-Padawan was still alive. He noticed Feemor's sorrow filled blue eyes staring down at Obi-Wan's head, the young Padawan hiding his face away in Feemor's outer robe. A part of Qui-Gon felt guilty at the slight relief he felt at Obi-Wan hiding his face away. He didn't know how much longer he could bear to look at the ocean blue eyes that normally shined with humour or stubbornness, just staring back at him blankly. It was as if Obi-Wan's very soul had been sucked away.
As he observed his Padawans, Obi-Wan slipped into an exhausted sleep slumped in Feemor's arms. Qui-Gon prayed to the Force that his young Padawan would sleep peacefully this time, in the past four days Obi-Wan had been suffering from nightmares. Leaving him with dark circles under his eyes and his skin very pale, looking nothing like the bright child he normally was.
Feemor stretched himself out on the sofa and settled Obi-Wan against his side and began running a hand through Obi-Wan's spiky hair. Seeing how relaxed Obi-Wan was in the arms of his brother-Padawan and recalling how Obi-Wan had flung himself into Master Jasal's arms and leaned into Dooku's hand. Qui-Gon questioned if he had done something wrong, in the past four days Obi-Wan had shied away from his presence.
During Obi-Wan's nightmares, what he saw would seep through his shields and down their training bond, allowing Qui-Gon a glimpse of what Obi-Wan saw in his vision. He also got the sense Obi-Wan had wanted to be more independent in determining what his vision meant. So, Qui-Gon was blaming himself for Rialni's death, perhaps if he was stronger in the Unifying Force Obi-Wan would have felt more comfortable with discussing his vision with him.
As Obi-Wan shied away from him, Qui-Gon had to wonder. Did Obi-Wan blame him as well? As Obi-Wan's Master, did he betray his Padawan's trust in not forcing the issue of discussing his vision? Was his young Padawan haunted by the mudslide because of Qui-Gon's inaction?
The days since his return to the Temple all bled together. Obi-Wan thought it had been two weeks since his return, but he couldn't be sure. He knew he had attended Rialni's funeral and that had been its own special brand of pain. Seeing the gathered Padawans, Knights and Masters, Obi-Wan had avoided the eyes of all gathered, he couldn't bear to see the blame reflected in their eyes. It would be what he deserved but like a coward he looked away from the many judgements that rightfully should be placed at his feet. He was the reason why they were all gathered for Rialni's funeral. Obi-Wan stared at the pyre and observed that the mud had been cleaned from his friend's skin and hair. Rialni's face looked peaceful, as if she was sleeping, no trace of the panic she felt in her final moments were present on her pale face. Her bright green eyes were closed, never to open and shine with laughter again. Once the pyre was lit, he watched as the yellow and orange flames caused lights to dance across Rialni's black hair. The way the lights of the flames danced was almost beautiful, but he couldn't find beauty in the sight, the sight was only there because he failed to protect his friend. Rialni was lying on pyre, her Padawan braid still attached to her head, she would never be Knighted, all because of him.
He had expected Master Thyban to blame him, in a way that would have been easier, but instead Master Thyban, with his dull brown eyes, had invited him to be present when Rialni's blue bladed lightsaber was placed in the Hall of Remembrance. Only those close to the fallen Jedi were invited to the short ceremony of placing a lightsaber in the Hall and Obi-Wan had been shocked to be invited. Rialni's sibling-Padawans welcomed him to the short ceremony with small, kind smiles, leaving Obi-Wan unsure of himself. They shouldn't be welcoming him, he was to blame for Rialni's death, why was no one outright blaming him?
He would have been stunned into silence if he hadn't already lost his ability to talk.
In the days since Rialni's funeral, Master Qui-Gon had been trying to draw him into conversations, but Obi-Wan just could not force any words out of his mouth. He spent most of his time just lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling of his room. He was aware of Feemor, Master Dooku, Master Yoda and Master Jasal coming and sitting on the edge of his bed to talk to him, but he never answered them. He ignored all prompts from his friends through the friendship bonds he had with his best friends. He only ate because his Master would carry food on a tray into his room and corral him into eating. Food tasted like ashes in his mouth and he was only able to force himself to eat about half of his normal portion. He knew he was worrying his Master, but he just couldn't find it in himself to care.
It had been a month since Rialni's funeral and Qui-Gon was worried. Obi-Wan still had not said a word to anyone, their training bond was scarily quiet and Obi-Wan had only just started to emerge from his bedroom, but only to lie on the sofa and continue to stare blankly at the ceiling. Qui-Gon despaired, unsure what he could do. His Padawan was looking more and more like a ghost with every day that past. His skin was sickly pale, his blue eyes seemed to have had all life drained out of them, with dark circles a permanent fixture below them and every day Obi-Wan lost weight. Qui-Gon could only watch as his Padawan forced himself to eat, but he never ate a full portion.
He had tried to get Obi-Wan to talk to a mind Healer, but his Padawan didn't say a word, he didn't even show any awareness that the mind Healer was there. It continued day in day out. It had gotten to the point that Feemor reduced his visits from three times a day to four times a week, unable to witness the sight of his brother-Padawan wasting away before his eyes.
Dooku would visit each day and sit on the sofa, placing Obi-Wan's feet on his lap, and would read to the Padawan. The books Dooku were reading were all from a series Obi-Wan and Dooku both enjoyed. It was clear Obi-Wan's lack of reactions were getting to the usually stern Dooku. It was a well-known fact in their lineage and in the Council that Dooku had a soft spot for Obi-Wan. So, it was very clear that Dooku was struggling seeing Obi-Wan just waste away.
Reeft, Garen and Bant all would leave the quarters with tears shining in their eyes, unsure what they could do to just get Obi-Wan to talk to them. Quinlan obviously struggled with not knowing what to do, a few times Qui-Gon had observed the Padawan just holding himself back from shaking Obi-Wan's shoulders. Like Feemor, Quinlan's visits decreased, Qui-Gon heard from Mace that Quinlan had been seen training harder in the salles, his despair seeping into the Force.
Qui-Gon and Yoda once tried to gently push through Obi-Wan's shields, just to show the Padawan he was safe. But they were forcefully pushed back. As Obi-Wan's shields tightened, Qui-Gon got a fleeting glance at Obi-Wan's thoughts. The same haunting words from the aftermath of the mudslide. It's my fault, it's all my fault.
Qui-Gon wanted his Padawan to feel comfortable and safe, but he was desperate to breathe life back into his Padawan, and his last resort came at the start of a new term of lessons for Padawans. He signed Obi-Wan up for a reduced timetable. Padawans, when in Temple, typically had six lessons a day, five days a week, unless Masters had certain mornings or afternoons booked for meditation or lightsaber training. So, Qui-Gon signed Obi-Wan up for one lesson every afternoon. When he informed Obi-Wan of this, he felt like the worst Master in existence.
For the first time in a month, Obi-Wan moved from the sofa with a small spark of life in his ocean blue eyes. He sat up and stared at Qui-Gon, his eyes wide in barely concealed panic. Qui-Gon would have rejoiced at hearing his Padawan speak for the first time in a month, but being the cause of such desperate words broke his heart.
Obi-Wan was shaking his head, his shoulders hunched forward as his hands gripped the edge of the sofa in a white knuckled grip. "Please Master…I…I can't…" croaked Obi-Wan, his voice a hoarse whisper after a month of not speaking a word.
Slowly, Qui-Gon got to his feet from his armchair and crossed the living space, he knelt at his Padawan's feet and rested a comforting hand on Obi-Wan's knee. "I am sorry Padawan, but you need to start easing back into training." He wanted to add that it hurt to see Obi-Wan wasting away, but he sensed he needed to be firm. Kind, but firm.
Obi-Wan flinched, but then after a moment's pause, he straightened his back and titled his head up to meet Qui-Gon's gaze steadily. "Yes Master," responded flatly, every inch the perfect Padawan. And Qui-Gon hated the sight. His Padawan, while to all outside observers was the perceived 'perfect Padawan', inside their quarters Obi-Wan was everything but. He snarked, he sassed, he teased his Master about his grey hair, he mimicked Yoda to the old Master's face and he plotted pranks with his friends.
While getting Obi-Wan to step outside their quarters was a step forward. Qui-Gon couldn't help but feel that he was betraying his Padawan by forcing him to go to lessons when he clearly didn't feel ready.
Obi-Wan's heart was pounding in his chest. He gripped his shoulder bag tightly as he walked down the corridor of the Temple towards his Outer Rim relations lesson. Through the Force he sensed surprise from the Padawans, Knights and Masters he passed in the corridor, many of them clearly aware of his absence from Temple life. He had not realised he had hidden himself away in their quarters for a month, it was no wonder Master Qui-Gon wanted him out of the way. He cringed thinking about the hassle he must have cause his Master.
He sucked in deep breaths as he walked towards the classroom, the stares and surprise of his fellow Jedi making his skin prick. He wanted to turn and run back to his quarters, but he had to start acting like a Padawan again. His Master said as much, he needed to return to training.
Part of him was relieved that he sensed his Master following him down the corridor, there was a distance between them, his Master was trying not to be obviously following him, but Obi-Wan knew he was. He drew strength from his Master's presence, but he also cursed himself. He should be better by now; it was not the Jedi way to grieve as heavily as he had done for Rialni. But no matter what he told himself, the guilt and grief hung heavy on him, weighing him down every second of every day. His sleep was continuingly disturbed by flashbacks of his vision and the mudslide, he heard Rialni and her Master blame him for her death and worst of all he heard his own Master call him a failure. Rialni screaming his name in terror echoed in his mind every day and night.
As he approached the classroom, he noticed Reeft, Garen and Quinlan stood outside the room chatting. Once Reeft noticed him, the Dressellian's face broke out into a wide grin. "Obi!" Reeft exclaimed in excitement, Garen and Quinlan turned to look at him and then all three of his friends began to walk towards him with smiles on their faces. Obi-Wan felt himself shaking, he didn't feel ready to go to lessons, and he certainly didn't feel ready to talk to his friends. As Reeft approached him, arms wide for a hug. Obi-Wan shrank back with his shoulders hunched forward and stared down at his feet. Reeft stopped in front of him, the toes of his boots just visible at the edge of Obi-Wan's vision. "Obi?" asked Reeft in a soft voice, his shock and disappointment clear in his tone.
Obi-Wan jumped when he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, but then the being sucked in a sharp breath and Obi-Wan looked up to find Quinlan staring at him in horror. In a second Obi-Wan realised that he had worn his robe during the mudslide and through Quinlan's psychometry his friend was able to see and feel exactly what Obi-Wan had felt. He wrenched himself away from Quinlan's grasp and hurried into the classroom, finding a seat in the back corner and tucked himself in his seat. His chest felt tight as he panicked, wondering just what Quinlan had seen and felt. He knew he had been hurtful by ignoring his friends, but at least they hadn't known what he had done. Now Quinlan knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was the reason why Rialni had died.
He felt Master Qui-Gon's concern through their bond, are you alright Padawan?
I'm fine Master. He sent back shortly, and then he tightened his shields even more. It wouldn't do for his Master to sense how he was failing as a Padawan at something as simple as going to a lesson.
Throughout his lesson, Obi-Wan managed to avoid answering any questions, although he felt he was being given a free pass from the Master as it was probably well known around the Temple that he had hidden himself away in his quarters for a month. He spent the hour-long lesson staring down at his datapad as he attempted to write notes, all the while ignoring the inquiring looks from Reeft and Garen. He sensed Quinlan nearby, by the Kiffar wasn't trying to gain his attention. Obi-Wan felt tears prick the backs of his eyes, Quinlan must have hated him now. He could see what Obi-Wan had done, or more correctly, hadn't done to save Rialni.
When the lesson ended, Obi-Wan hurried back to his quarters, not wanting to witness Quinlan telling Reeft and Garen to never speak to Obi-Wan again, for their own safety. He flung open the front door of his quarters and hung up his robe and bag on the coat rack without any trace of his normal care. As he fled into his bedroom, he noticed his Master sat on the sofa reading. At his hurried entrance, Master Qui-Gon lifted his head in surprise and his midnight blue eyes widened in shock, "Padawan?" But Obi-Wan answered his Master with the firm click of his bedroom door closing.
As Obi-Wan laid face down on his bed, burrowing his face into his pillow in an attempt to stifle his sobs. He wondered how long would it take for everyone he knew to finally have enough with him and cut all ties. It would be what he deserved. Rialni was good, she was kind and she was always eager to help those who needed it. And Obi-Wan's inaction got her killed.
Qui-Gon was worried. He had thought a routine would help his Padawan start to heal, but it seemed to have done the opposite. After Obi-Wan's first lesson back and his Padawan's distressed entrance into their quarters, Qui-Gon came to the realisation that he may have pushed Obi-Wan too hard too soon.
His Padawan had kept himself shut away in his room for the remainder of the afternoon and the evening. Leaving Qui-Gon unsure what he should do, it was clear that Obi-Wan did not feel comfortable going to lessons, but on the other hand, Obi-Wan needed to return to lessons before it became impossible for the fourteen-year-old to ever feel ready to return to lessons. The next morning, when Obi-Wan failed to enter the kitchen for breakfast, Qui-Gon decided to take Obi-Wan's breakfast to his room. Once he slowly entered the small bedroom, Qui-Gon found his Padawan sitting at his desk, facing the wall but staring at nothing. His heart broke seeing the empty look on his Padawan's still too pale face. He placed the bowl he was carrying on the desk and his movement seemed to rouse his Padawan. Obi-Wan looked between him and the bowl, before he haltingly began to spoon his breakfast into his mouth, it seemed to take a lot of effort for Obi-Wan to chew and swallow the food. It wasn't long before Obi-Wan left the spoon in the bowl that still contained most of the portion. Qui-Gon hid his clenched hands in the sleeves of his brown outer robe, he looked down at his too thin Padawan and made a decision.
"I believe I pushed you too hard yesterday Padawan. So, I will be withdrawing you from the lessons I have signed you up for," he stated. He expected Obi-Wan to slump in relief and at least show some emotion. However, he was surprised when Obi-Wan jolted up from his chair to stand in front of him, swaying slightly as he held onto the back of his chair for support.
"No Master. Thank you, but I will continue to go to my lessons," Obi-Wan answered in a blank voice.
"Very well Padawan," replied Qui-Gon levelly. He turned and left his Padawan's bedroom, not wanting his Padawan to see the concern on his face. It was all wrong. Obi-Wan's face and voice were blank of all emotion, the total opposite of what his Padawan was like.
As Qui-Gon attended to his own tasks in their quarters, he felt Obi-Wan's anxiety in the Force rise the closer the time got to his afternoon lesson. Qui-Gon wondered if Obi-Wan would change his mind about lessons, so before his Padawan left for his afternoon lesson, his robe on, swamping his too thin frame and shoulder bag hoisted on one shoulder, Qui-Gon stood a few steps in front of the door.
"Padawan, please do not force yourself to go if you do not feel ready," he said. He wanted to hug his Padawan tightly, the dark circles under the usually bright blue eyes seemed a permanent fixture now and Obi-Wan's pale face was just grey all the time. But Obi-Wan stood in front of him stiffly, and so Qui-Gon sensed a hug would be unwelcome.
"I do feel ready Master," responded Obi-Wan in the same blank voice he only ever used now. He dipped his head towards Qui-Gon and the Master just stood rooted to the spot as Obi-Wan passed around him and out of the front door.
Qui-Gon hurried towards his bedroom and firmly closed the door before he crossed to his bed and sat down heavily. He covered his face with his hands and he just broke as he sobbed into his hands. It was clear he had pushed his Padawan too hard. His child was hurting and it was all his fault, he couldn't do anything right for his child. Everything he did or didn't do just hurt Obi-Wan. What had he done?
A week later Obi-Wan had been cleared by the Healers for light katas. Qui-Gon was relieved. Obi-Wan had been struggling to find peace in mediation and as the Padawan always loved lightsaber training, Qui-Gon had been quick to suggest to Obi-Wan that he supplement his meditations with kata work. His heart lightened seeing the brief flicker of interest in the ocean blue eyes of his Padawan. He firmly added that there was to be no aerial movements due to Obi-Wan's hip still needing some time to recover. He just hoped his Padawan would not push himself too hard.
On the suggestion of his Master, Obi-Wan had gone to the smallest training salle in the Temple. Hardly anyone came to the salle because of its size so Obi-Wan was able to feel at peace for the first in a long time with no one there to watch him. His footsteps echoed around the salle as he stepped lightly on the wooden floor, sunlight streaming in through the windows. After stretching and leaving his outer robe on the staggered seating on the left side of the salle, he stepped into the centre of the room.
For the first time in a very long time Obi-Wan felt a semblance of who he had been before the mudslide. He closed his eyes as he performed kata after kata. Even though he felt his arms and legs shake at the strain of muscles not used in a long-time making movements they had not done in just over a month, he felt the corners of his mouth tick up in a slight smile. In the privacy of the salle Obi-Wan began to leap and turn in the air, he ignored the pangs of pain in his left hip as he landed on the wooden floor. Ignoring his pain as he felt joy for the first time since the mission to Jafan.
Obi-Wan didn't keep track of how long he had been training in the salle, but it must have been hours. As he looked out of the tall windows on the right side of the room, he noticed the sun had begun to set, casting the salle in a gentle orange glow. Sweat ran down his face, he wiped it away with the sleeve of his tunic, as he clipped his lightsaber to his belt, he began to feel the exhaustion in his arms and legs as they shook more violently. He began to walk over to where he left his robe and winced with every step, the pain from his left hip almost causing his left leg to buckle beneath his weight.
It took him longer than normal to reach his quarters, making him twenty minutes late for dinner. He was fully expecting to be greeted with his Master's disapproval, but the look on his face seemed to halt anything his Master may have said. Master Qui-Gon even looked surprised to see him so relaxed, so for the first time in a long time Obi-Wan smiled properly up at his Master. Despite the aches and pains he was feeling, he was feeling happy and relaxed. Two feelings that felt foreign. Obi-Wan was relieved that he had finally found something that had started to turn him back into a proper Padawan.
Obi-Wan had been smiling! Qui-Gon knew he would never forget the sheer relief he felt seeing his child smile for the first time in a long time. He had thought he would never see Obi-Wan smile or be relaxed ever again. Qui-Gon had finally felt himself begin to relax feeling satisfied that he had finally suggested something that actually helped his Padawan.
However, his relief was short lived. Seeing Obi-Wan wince when he walked, it soon became apparent that Obi-Wan was pushing himself too much in his lightsaber training. He was only supposed to be completing light katas, nothing that would include aerial movements. Qui-Gon hesitated. For the first time in the two years of Obi-Wan's apprenticeship he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to push Obi-Wan back into himself, but at the same time he didn't want Obi-Wan to injure himself further during training. But after Quinlan Vos came and found him with a worried look on his face and confessed that Obi-Wan had been doing katas with aerial movements and his left hip was clearly hurting him, but he didn't stop. Qui-Gon's decision had been made.
Qui-Gon had been in the Archives when Quinlan found him, along with Dooku and Feemor. His Master and first Padawan had both reacted with concern, their worry for Obi-Wan bleeding into the Force. Just when they thought their youngest lineage member had begun to heal, here was evidence to the contrary.
"Take me to Obi-Wan Quinlan, and I will have an overdue conversation with my Padawan," he stated with a sigh. Quinlan nodded up at him, and quickly turned on his heel, almost running out of the Archives. As Qui-Gon followed the Kiffar Padawan he sensed both Dooku and Feemor following closely behind him.
As he entered the smallest training salle, he immediately spotted Bant, Garen and Reeft pleading with Obi-Wan to take a break. Qui-Gon's heart sank when he observed Obi-Wan ignoring his friends, despite the sweat gathered on his forehead and his arms and legs shaking from the strain he was putting on them.
"Enough Padawan," he heard his voice resonate throughout the salle. He watched as Obi-Wan came to a sudden halt, his arms held above his head. His lightsaber pointing in front of him above his head, casting a blue glow on his copper hair and face. Slowly, Obi-Wan lowered his arms while he deactivated his lightsaber and turned to face the door to the salle. He visibly flinched when he saw his Master and Dooku and Feemor behind Qui-Gon.
"Master!" exclaimed Obi-Wan in shock, his blue eyes wide as he clipped his lightsaber onto his belt. "I…I was just training like the Healers said I could."
"The Healers did not approve aerial katas Padawan," Qui-Gon stated firmly. He felt his concern and annoyance at Obi-Wan's lack of self-care mix together. He walked across the salle, dimly aware of Dooku motioning for Obi-Wan's friends to leave the salle. He caught Feemor encouraging Quinlan to leave Obi-Wan with them with a gentle reassurance. As Qui-Gon reached his Padawan, he stared down at his boy, knowing his disapproval was seeping into the Force. Sure enough, Obi-Wan flinched away from him, his gaze directed somewhere over Qui-Gon's shoulder. His child never did well with disapproval, and Qui-Gon hated to put Obi-Wan through the coming lecture, but he would not have his boy continue to hurt himself. "I am disappointed Padawan. You were explicitly told light katas only."
Obi-Wan's shoulders hunched forward, "I am feeling better Master."
Qui-Gon frowned and crossed his arms over his chest as he raised one eyebrow. "I can see you shaking Padawan. You over exerted yourself. You will explain why you pushed yourself, now."
In a fit of defiance, Obi-Wan straightened his back and stared up at Qui-Gon with blank blue eyes. "Meditation didn't help me relax. Completing katas did. You said to find something to calm myself, so I did."
Qui-Gon reached out and shook Obi-Wan's shoulder. "I said that trusting you would know your limits!" he exclaimed in a moment of frustration. "I expected better of you Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan wrenched himself backwards and glared up at Qui-Gon, his eyes shining with what looked like tears. "What does it matter if I'm hurt?! I'm alive, aren't I? Rialni died because of me!"
Closing his eyes Qui-Gon was suddenly hit with the clear realisation that in the month and a half since the mudslide Obi-Wan had been living with guilt over Rialni's death. Qui-Gon cursed himself for not thinking of it sooner. "What happened was not your fault Obi-Wan." As he reached forward to hug Obi-Wan, to try and offer some comfort to his child. Obi-Wan stepped away from him again.
"It was my fault!" Obi-Wan cried out, the tears now slowly slipping down his face. "It was my fault! I had a vision and I only discussed it with Rialni and look what happened! Rialni is dead because of me!" Obi-Wan gasped a shaky breath and then added, "it should have been me!"
Qui-Gon's heart broke and could do nothing as Obi-Wan ran past him, tears streaming down his face as he ran from the salle. Qui-Gon was left staring at the great windows, Obi-Wan's words echoing in his head. How did it get to this point? How did he not see the unfounded guilt Obi-Wan carried?
"Qui-Gon," he turned at his former Master's words and looked at the solemn look on Dooku's face. "We need to find Obi-Wan."
Qui-Gon nodded and then using his connection to Obi-Wan he followed his Padawan's Force presence. As he ran through the Temple's corridors, he knew he had to get Obi-Wan to talk to a mind Healer. He couldn't lose his Padawan. If he lost his child it would be the end of him.
Obi-Wan felt tears running down his face as he ran past the blurred figures of his Master, Grandmaster and brother-Padawan. He didn't know where he was running, he just knew he needed to run. It was out there now. His Master knew about his vision and how he did nothing, leading to Rialni's death. His Master would see what type of Padawan he ended up with.
He didn't see where he was going so, he was surprised when he collided with someone, he was just about to fall backwards when a hand shot out and grasped his right arm. As he was gently lowered to the floor, the being he collided with also lowered themselves to the floor with a quiet groan. Obi-Wan looked up and found himself looking into the concerned emerald gaze of Master Jasal.
"I'm sorry Master!" he sniffled as he attempted to wipe away his tears with the sleeve of his tunic.
Master Jasal shook his head, he gently batted away Obi-Wan's sleeve and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. "What is the matter little Spark?"
Obi-Wan swallowed down the sob trying to rise out of his throat. "My Master knows, he knows what type of Padawan I am."
"And what type is that my little spark?" Master Jasal asked softly, his withered hands resting gently against Obi-Wan's cheeks. He shuffled forward to that their knees were touching as they knelt on the cold marble floor.
"A horrible Padawan," sniffled Obi-Wan. "I…I had a vision before…before Jafan. I wanted to be more independent…so I only told Rialni…but we were being careful! But…but she died anyway and it's all my fault!"
"Oh, little spark, that doesn't make it your fault," protested Master Jasal. He pulled Obi-Wan into a tight hug and Obi-Wan burrowed his face into the soft brown robe as a deep sob tore itself from his throat. "You couldn't stop a natural disaster. What happened to Rialni was not your fault."
"But it was!" sobbed Obi-Wan, he felt his throat tighten as he forced his words out. "I got a vision about it. I heard her scream my name! I should have stopped it!"
He felt the arms around him tighten and a pair of hands rubbed up and down his back. "We can't change everything, as much as we want to little spark," Master Jasal's voice rumbled deep in his chest as he spoke softly into Obi-Wan's hair. Obi-Wan jumped when he felt another pair of arms encircle him, instantly he recognised his Master.
"Oh, my brave little Padawan, it wasn't your fault," Qui-Gon murmured. Obi-Wan couldn't see his Master from where he had his face pressed against Master Jasal's chest, but he felt the ghost of his Master's breath against his ear.
"I'm not brave," Obi-Wan protested, as his sobs quietened. He felt himself gently pulled away from Master Jasal's hold and his head was titled towards his Master. Master Jasal's arms were still wrapped around him loosely, another comforting point of contact as he met his Master's soothing gaze.
"I know what type of Padawan you are Padawan mine," smiled Qui-Gon. He gently tugged on Obi-Wan's Padawan braid and then cupped the side of his head. "You are my brave Padawan."
Obi-Wan felt his face crumple and he threw himself into his Master's arms, seeking a comfort he had denied himself since the mudslide. "Master…I'm sorry…" he wasn't sure what he was apologising for, perhaps it was for the distance he put between his Master and himself.
"Hush child, I will hear no apologies from you," stated Qui-Gon softly, his chin resting on Obi-Wan's head. Obi-Wan burrowed against his Master, he then turned his head and watched as Master Dooku and Master Jasal knelt behind him and also wrapped their arms around him.
His gaze then landed on Feemor, his brother-Padawan was watching him with a soft smile. Once his eyes met Feemor's own blue ones, he saw his brother-Padawan's eyes light up as he exclaimed, "cuddle pile!" before he was also wrapping his arms around Obi-Wan. For the first time in a long time, a small giggle escaped Obi-Wan's lips as he relaxed into the 'cuddle pile'. Truly feeling like he was able to start healing. He knew he wouldn't be better straight away, but this was definitely the start of the road to healing.
Hearing a clanking sound, Obi-Wan looked past Feemor's head and found Masters Yoda and Windu smiling at the small group of Jedi kneeling on the floor hugging. "Shall we make room Master Yoda?" asked Obi-Wan.
Master Yoda grinned as he gripped his cane, "yes young one. Make room you should. Cuddle piles, never to be missed they are."
Three months after the event in the training salle, Obi-Wan had finally been discharged by his mind Healer. While he always knew he would feel some grief and guilt over Rialni's death, he could finally admit that the vision was given to him to prepare for the event, not to change it.
Throughout his time healing, Obi-Wan had been supported by his lineage and friends. They all had their different ways of drawing him out of himself and making him smile. Master Yoda's was to take a walk with him in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, Master Dooku would take him to the Archives where they would find a quiet corner and sit and read together, Feemor would watch trashy holo dramas with him as they added their own commentary (Obi-Wan pretended not to know Master Qui-Gon recorded them). Master Qui-Gon would find weird places in the Temple for them to mediate wanting to surprise their fellow Jedis (the best was in the Council Room where Master Qui-Gon delayed the start of a Council meeting due to the 'sanctity of meditation'), Master Jasal would have him play with the younglings in the creche and his friends would plan and execute pranks with him (bubble bath in the thousand fountains in the Room of a Thousand Fountains seemed to be a favourite for the younglings). The best time Obi-Wan had was when Master Windu would take him to the training salles where the Master of the Order would teach him some of his signature moves (with Master Qui-Gon heckling Master Windu from the side-lines).
During the three months Master Qui-Gon was by his side every step of the way, something Obi-Wan was incredibly grateful for. However, he knew his Master would have to ease up on the protective mother tooka with injured kitten routine before they were assigned missions again. Something he mentioned to Master Dooku. His Grandmaster had looked down at him and with a small smile (which was practically a grin for the Council member) winked at him with a "leave it with me" comment.
So, as Obi-Wan was walking back to his quarters he found his path blocked by Masters Dooku and Windu. His Grandmaster gave him a credit stick, "go out and treat yourself to something Grandpadawan. Master Windu will take you out of the Temple for some much-needed time off for you both."
Obi-Wan frowned, "does Master Qui-Gon know?" he didn't think so. There was no way his protective Master would let him out of his sight outside of the Temple right now.
Master Dooku smirked, "Feemor is handling the distraction right now. You don't have time to waste."
Master Windu grinned and gestured towards the main entrance of the Temple which was ahead of them a few hundred metres behind where Obi-Wan stood. "Shall we Padawan?"
Obi-Wan nodded with his own matching grin, but they hadn't walked far when there was a commotion behind them. "Master! Where are you sending Obi-Wan off to?! And, where is he?"
"Oh, do stop your dramatics Qui-Gon. Mace is perfectly capable of looking after Obi-Wan," came Master Dooku's deadpan voice.
Master Windu looked down at him and said with a deadpan look. "I suggest we run for it Padawan. We don't want your Master hijacking our trip out. He would only drag us to a plant shop."
Obi-Wan chuckled and nodded in agreement. Before he could ask Master Windu how exactly he planned for them to escape, his unasked question was answered when Master Windu picked him up and began running down the corridor as he carried Obi-Wan.
"Mace!" yelled Master Qui-Gon from behind them. "Put my Padawan down this instance!"
"You are not invited!" called Master Windu over his shoulder. Causing Obi-Wan to out-right cackle at the shocked looks they were gaining from the Jedi they were passing in their escape out of the Temple.
"Mace!" shouted Master Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan peaked over his shoulder and spotted his Master also running down the corridor.
Feemor was stood by Master Dooku and cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted down the corridor. "Leg it Master Windu!"
As Master Windu skidded to a halt at the entrance door, he set Obi-Wan back on his feet. They both spotted Master Yoda stood at the door and bowed to him. Master Yoda just guested outside, "enjoy your day you should, handle Qui-Gon I will. Overdramatic he always is."
Obi-Wan laughed as he followed Master Windu out of the massive doors and out into the sunlight. He titled his head up to soak in the sunlight. Finally, at peace with himself.
A/N I only learnt of Feemor's existence last week and I wasn't going to add him into this verse as he is not mentioned in my other stories. But he demanded to be included. As he is not in the stories set after the Clone Wars, I will take suggestions. Does poor Feemor meet a tragic end before or during the Clone Wars? Or does he just pop up healthy and happy in the later stories?