Chapter 3: The Doctor's Nephew
Neither Dr Who nor Harry Potter belong to me. Geronimo!
"Keep your hat on, Pup," Sirius reminded Harry as they jumped out of the car.
"Okay, Da," Harry replied, adjusting the hat slightly so it sat crookedly across his forehead. Nobody was entirely sure when Harry had decided Sirius needed a whole three names, but nobody was complaining, Sirius least of all.
"Remember the plan?" Remus asked the Ponds, fidgeting slightly with his robes. Ten years was a long time to get used to wearing muggle clothing and not the wizarding sort.
"Yeah," Amy chirped, bouncing slightly. "I'm Lily's cousin, and we were really close, much closer than her and Petunia, and we agreed to raise Harry together after Petunia couldn't manage two children."
It wasn't even like Petunia could protest. Amy and Sirius had paid her a quiet visit a few weeks ago and her response had boiled down to, "If it keeps you away, go for it."
"You're sure they'll be alright with it?" Rory asked anxiously.
"Probably not," Sirius said cheerfully, "But the way the Doctor did things only knocked out the bureaucracy. People probably still think I'm a crazed murderer who's holding you all hostage."
"Great," Rory grumbled.
His wife grabbed his hand. "Come on. Now we can say we've been to magic land as well as alien land!"
"You didn't manage to contact the Doctor?" Remus asked, as Rory locked the car and Sirius started them off towards the Leaky Cauldron.
"Knowing him, he'll teleport into the middle of the Alley three hours late," Amy said cheerfully as Sirius shrugged.
"I'd like to see that," Harry giggled. "Can wizards us a TARDIS?"
"Nah, just portkeys, and they don't travel in time, just space," Remus reminded them.
"Hey, is that it?" Rory asked suddenly, pointing forwards.
"You shouldn't – it is." Sirius blinked. "You know, muggles usually can't see the Leaky."
"Could be the time-travel," Amy suggested. "The Doctor always said it made you see things differently."
"No kidding," Remus mumbled. "Harry still insists on counting in base 17. Who counts in base 17?"
"Oxet 174 does!" Harry exclaimed.
"You're not from Oxet 174," the werewolf groaned. "Your teachers will kill you!"
"This looks like a pub," Amy interrupted, sensing a familiar argument coming up.
"The Leaky is a pub," Sirius replied.
Rory peeped in. "A really grimy pub."
"You should see the Hog's Head," Sirius said cheerfully. "I'm sure there's still stains there from Kingsley Shacklebolt's first – and last – time trying redcurrant rum."
"Let's go already!" Harry grumbled.
"Alright, alright! Hat?" Sirius asked, and Harry nodded, shoving it down further on his head. It was one of the Doctor's spare ones and far too big, so it covered the scar nicely. Sirius moved on. "Story?" the Ponds nodded. "Fly done up?"
Remus poked him, hard. "Get on with it, mutt."
Sirius huffed. "Fine." He stepped forward to the door and grabbed the handle. "Into the Wizarding World."
The hat worked. Tom the barman shied away from Sirius, who apparently couldn't resist attempting to scare everyone, but nobody jumped on Harry, attempted to kidnap him, or promised him their firstborn child. Mission accomplished, the Marauders thought. Remus let them into the alley and the adults stood back a few feet as Harry went wide-eyed at everything he saw. Well, not everything. Harry apparently wasn't too fond of the slightly 'wibbly-wobbly' paving.
"Gringotts first," Sirius told him. "We've got no money, and you need money to buy stuff."
"The bank run by goblins!" Harry cheered, dragging the adults down the alley. "Cool!"
"Why goblins, though?" Rory asked, as his arm was nearly pulled out of his socket.
"They kept rebelling, so we gave them a passive way to attack us and made them bankers," Remus said flatly. "Personally, I don't see why it was so hard to give them the right to self-govern that people thought it was a good idea to hand over the reins to the economy instead."
"The people who did all that were like my mother," Sirius pointed out. "She's crazy. Wonder if she's still alive?"
No, Walburga Black was not alive, Griphook told them with an evil grin. Sirius beamed like an overloaded lightbulb.
"Should I be worried?" Rory asked, backing away. "Only people usually don't smile when their relatives die. I mean, even River has some morals and she's definitively psychotic – at least some of the time."
Sirius was busy sharing mutual amusement over Walburga's death with the goblin. Remus shook his head. "Sirius's entire family were pretty evil, remember? Kicking puppies and all that – probably tried to off a few goblins, that would explain a lot about the goblin attitude… Plus, the woman probably murdered her husband a year or two after Sirius bolted. She was nasty."
"Bitch!" Harry chirped, much to Rory and Remus's mutual consternation.
"So," Sirius said, after he and Griphook were done with the cackling, "Can we go down to my vault and Harry's and – Moony, you want to go down to your vault?"
"I'm basically a squib now," Remus shrugged. "Besides," he added, flushing slightly, "It's pretty near empty. I'll just exchange muggle stuff up here."
"Okay. Hey, did dear old ma leave a will?" he added.
Griphook shrugged. "No change to the Black vaults for seven years. Terrible investment strategy."
Sirius grinned. "Great! Take that, blonde prick, and curly lunatic –"
"He always had a thing against Narcissa's husband," Remus commented idly. "Harry, you're not to call anyone a prick."
"Follow me," Griphook said, grabbing a set of keys from under the desk. The humans obeyed, finding themselves at a set of tracks with carts sitting on them. "In!" the goblin said, jumping in the front with a lantern.
"Wait, we sit in these?" Amy asked.
Griphook grinned the patented goblin grin #24 – Scaring Humans When Taking Them On Cart Rides.
"Don't worry," Sirius beamed, jumping in and helping Harry. "If anyone dies, they cover it up even better than purebloods do."
"Do these have seatbelts?" Rory asked.
Griphook frowned. "What are seatbelts?"
"You know what, Pads? I missed that." Remus said, straightening his robes.
"That was worse than the time the Doctor tried to fly the TARDIS one-handed," Rory mumbled, stumbling out.
"I think it was fun," Harry commented, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
"You thought it was fun when fifty-odd Slitheen dissolved in a room and made it explode," Amy pointed out. "The Doctor was guilty for ages and you thought it was brilliant 'cos you got to fly."
"I was seven!" Harry protested.
"Harry Potter's vault," Griphook interrupted, wondering whether to turn up the speed on the carts just to see what the humans did. As the humans shut up and gathered around, he stuck the key in the lock and turned it, causing the vault door to swing open.
Harry took a look inside and blinked in surprise.
"WOW! Is that all mine?" he asked, beaming and skipping inside when the adults nodded.
In the centre was a small mound of gold Galleons, slightly dusty but still enticingly shiny. To the side were piles of silver and bronze Sickles and Knuts. Some were in piles, others were scattered around in mixed up piles of small change. At the back, in the left corner, there was a mixed up stack of coins, documents, and, oddly enough, wrapped bubble gum.
"I'd forgotten Lily liked stockpiling gum," Remus remarked quietly. "Daftest thing she did."
"Other than marrying Prongs?" Sirius asked, smiling slightly.
"Oh yes, that was obviously a bad choice. We were all awful choices," Remus chuckled.
Harry picked one up, unwrapped it, and put it in his mouth. "Still good."
Amy made an 'ew' face.
"Uh, excuse me?" Rory asked. "But is that actual gold?"
"We're a little archaic," Sirius snorted. "It's not very pure. But yes, it's gold."
"Kid's rich," Rory said weakly.
"Rich on hair potion," Remus explained. "Fleamont, his grandfather, invented something that tames everything except the own family. Made a mint, and yet they could never stop the Potters from looking like they'd hopped off a broom. Or came out of a storm."
"Or been in a broom cupboard," Sirius added, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Gross!" Harry called out from the back of the vault, examining the gum with far too much interest for someone with access to a pile of gold big as they were.
"Harry," Amy sighed, "Stop eating the decade-old gum and grab some money, or we'll never get out."
"Not too much," Sirius added, "Just for a few things. You should save up for when you're older. We'll cover everything else."
"Can I bring the gum?" Harry asked.
Rory groaned something about 'germs' and 'unhygienic' and 'irresponsible' and 'death trap rollercoasters' as he leaned on his wife.
"Leave the gum," Remus sighed. "We'll buy you some fresh stuff later."
"Aww," Harry moaned.
"The HELL?!" Rory exclaimed, as Amy said something much ruder but entirely overshadowed.
"Old money," Sirius said distastefully. "Still, lots of fun rubbing it in the Dark families' faces. Most light families never get out of the middle class."
"Is that a sword?" Amy asked, pointing.
"Don't touch it," Sirius said casually, "Or it'll try to behead you."
Harry shuddered.
"Never mind the sword," Rory said, "Is that a toilet over there?"
"Yep," Remus said.
"Why would you keep a toilet in your vault?" Amy raised her eyebrows.
Sirius groaned. "Don't ask. It's a long story and I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh, well, now I'm curious," Remus said. "You never mentioned it to us."
"For good reason," Sirius muttered.
Meanwhile, in an exceedingly secure prison, a curvy, curly-haired, gun-toting, lipstick-wearing woman made escape #164 into a waiting TARDIS. "Hello, sweetie."
"River!" the Doctor beamed, ducking as she tried to pluck the fez off his head. "You got out alright?"
"Left a few guards lying around," River replied nonchalantly. "I'll clean them up when I get back. Where now?"
"Back to Britain," the Doctor grinned, grabbing onto the controls. "We've got an eleven-year old to meet."
"Ooh!" River smiled. "Is he starting already?"
"Already," the Doctor agreed. "Let's go, then." He flipped the switch. "To Diagon!"
The last words left echoing around time were River's exclamation of "You forgot the stabilizers again!'
"Robes!" Sirius declared, ushering the party towards Madam Malkin's.
"Why do you wear robes, exactly?" Amy asked.
"No clue. Even the purebloods don't wear them all the time, though. I remember growing up in a Merlin-be-damned waistcoat and scarf of all things. I'm pretty sure we wear them specifically when we go out into the rest of the world just to confused the muggles…"
"It's a mark of your magical ability," Remus sighed as he pushed open the door, "But the customs around when you can and can't wear muggle wear are ridiculous. Most poorer families survive on robes and dresses, upper-class dresses like a bunch of Late Victorian Era nobles sometimes, middle-class doesn't realise kilts don't go with ponchos…"
"Ugh," Harry shuddered. "That's… nasty."
"Hogwarts, dear?" Madam Malkin asked, bustling over. "Come over here. We've got another young man being fitted right now."
"Uh, right," Harry said, as Rory gently pushed him forward. "Okay."
Madam Malkin had him stand up on a stool as she trotted around gathering up material and pins and other miscellaneous items. Next to him, her assistant was already working away at another child, a chubby blonde-haired boy who blinked in surprise and then slouched in on himself in shyness at the sudden increase in people and activity.
"Hi," Harry chirped. "First year?"
"Yeah," the boy replied quietly. "You?"
"Well, I'd make a very short seventh-year, wouldn't I?"
The blonde smiled slightly. "So… they all yours?" He squinted slightly at the four adults where were talking and examining the shop's wares. "That's a lot of relatives. Is that your mum?"
"Oh, Aunt Amelia? No, she was my mum's cousin."
The boy frowned slightly. "So…"
Harry didn't say anything for a moment, and the boy hastened to correct himself. "I mean! You don't have to say anything if you don't want to!"
"No, it's fine," Harry sighed. "My parents died near the end of the war, when I was one. That's how I ended up being cared for by my aunts and uncles."
"Oh. I've got my gran, myself," the boy murmured. "She's scary. She has this massive hat with a vulture on top of it. Everyone in my family thought I was going to be a squib, you know." He was a little more animated now as he recalled his story. "But one day Uncle Algie dropped me out of a window and I bounced. They still thought I might not be magic enough to go to Hogwarts, though. They were so happy when I got my letter. Uncle Algie says he's going to buy me a present." He paused. "I hope it's not a hat like Gran's. I know he has one of his own and it's creepy."
Harry laughed, though he noticed the boy skimmed over the mention of his parents. "I don't think he will. Maybe a pet? Uncle Rory and Uncle Remus – they're my sensible uncles – they reckon I'm old enough to care for another living being now."
"I'd like a pet," the boy agreed. "An owl would be nice, though I'd be happy with anything, really. Sensible uncles – so the other two are your less sensible ones?"
"Actually, Auntie Amy's pretty okay. It's Uncle Doctor, Uncle Sirius, and Crazy Aunt River you've got to watch out for, I swear they've got firewhiskey instead of blood…"
"I heard that, Prongslet! And I resent it!" Sirius called out from near a rack of clothes. "Don't make me buy you a bird-hat like Augusta's! I will make you wear it!"
"Why are you like this?" Remus groaned quietly.
The boy blinked. "Sirius? Like the mass-murderer?"
Harry shrugged. "That's what the papers say."
"But –"
"Relax, he's innocent. He says, anyway. Whatever. I've been in worse danger before."
"How did you end up being cared for by Sirius Black?"
"He's my godfather," Harry said amiably. "Kind of gives him first picks. Well, it's more complicated than that, but…"
The boy stared at him. "You're Harry Potter!"
"Great job, pup! Now we have to bribe him to stay away from the papers!" Sirius joked.
Amy raised an eyebrow at him, pausing in her interested examination of women's robes. "Everyone thinks you're a mass-murderer. How are you going to bribe them?"
"Believe me, worse things happen at war," Remus sighed. "Sirius, shut up before I confound Rory into stitching your mouth shut."
"Like I said, firewhiskey," Harry commented. "So, you know my name, what's yours?"
"Neville Longbottom," Neville said, apparently wondering if anyone in the shop was sane.
"There you go," Madam Malkin said at that moment, helping her assistant pull the robes over Neville's head. "All done."
"Bye, Neville," Harry chirped. "See you on the train!"
"O-okay," Neville said. "Bye, Harry."
The family watched as Neville paid for his school things and wandered out the door, presumably in search of his grandmother.
"Algernon's going to have a heart attack," Remus finally commented.
"Sounds like it's been a long time coming," Amy said.
"Please don't murder us all," Madam Malkin said politely, as she presented Harry his finished robes.
"Why do people keep saying that?" Sirius asked.
Rory smacked his forehead as Harry contracted a rather prolonged giggling fit.
Garrick Ollivander blinked as a police box materialized directly outside his shop. It wasn't often that the man was surprised, but it made a nice change.
"A ha!" A man in suspenders and a bow-tie stepped out. "Diagon Alley! See, I told you!"
A curly-haired woman stepped out next, hands on her hips slightly. "Sweetie, you landed us in a swamp in Wales. And then Camelot. And then the swamp again."
"Wasn't my fault," he replied indignantly. "Sexy here was messing about."
"Should I be jealous?" the woman asked.
The man snorted. "No! For the last time, I do not treat the TARDIS like a woman! Come on, River."
He set off down the alley, but only made it two steps before he was grabbed by the tie as he walked past a redheaded woman going in the opposite direction, along with a moderately-sized group
"Wand shop is this way."
The curly haired woman sighed. "Hey, Mum."
"Did he get it here alright?"
"Swamp. Wales. Twice."
"Merlin-damn-it," a scarred brunet sighed, digging in his pocket before handing the only child – a scruffy, raven-haired thing – a coloured slip of something.
"I told you teaching him to bet was a mistake," another brunet grumbled.
"I told you I blame Sirius," the first sniffed.
"Never mind that," the final person said, pushing open the door to his shop. "Wands!"
Ollivander let his gaze slip across the people. Now he recognized three of them. Dark, slightly wavy hair, grey eyes, aristocratic features, careless countenance – Sirius Black. Light brown hair, green eyes, scarring, a slight slouch – Remus Lupin. Messy black hair, bright green eyes, once-fair skin turned gold and slightly freckly by the sun, a cheeky grin – an amalgamation of Lily and James Potter if ever he saw one.
"Ah, Mister Potter. Here for a wand?"
"Yes, sir," Harry replied, not even looking surprised.
"Ah. Of course, let me just get you… which is your wand hand?"
"Right, mostly."
"I see." Ollivander set his magical tape measure to work as he started pulling boxes out of the walls. "Now, Mr Black, Mr Lupin… wands still serving, are they?"
"Yes, Mr Ollivander."
"Uh huh."
"Good, good," Ollivander said vaguely. "The wand chooses the wizard you know, and some wands grow weary of their companion with age…"
"That explains a lot," Rory commented, "Since we're not sure Sirius grew up."
Amy snorted.
"Well, yes… give this one a wave, blackthorn and dragon heartstring, 11 ½ inches."
Harry gave the wand a tentative wave, but Ollivander had grabbed it before he could do any more.
"No, no… try this, elm and unicorn hair, 10 ¼ inches. Nice and stiff, good for transfiguration…"
Harry was halfway through a flick when Ollivander grabbed it back. "No, no. Well, I thought… perhaps your father… no… mahogany and unicorn hair, 12 ¾ inches, rather pliable…"
Harry wiggled it a little and a vase exploded.
"No, definitely not."
"Shame," River murmured.
"Let's see now… I wonder…" Ollivander reached up and grabbed a box from a shelf just above his head. "Try this one. Holly and phoenix feather, I believe… yes."
Harry frowned and gave it a wave, and the wand sputtered out sparks. Sirius cheered, but Ollivander looked pensive.
"Close, but not quite. Not quite…" He pottered around to the far end of the shop and came back with a final box. "I hope this one likes you, lad. It's the last one that might…"
Harry gingerly took the wand out of the box, looking nervously at it.
"Beech and phoenix feather, 10 ½ inches," Ollivander declared.
Harry nervously poked the wand at the air. There was a soft, inscrutable noise, and a shower of gold and bronze sparks fell from the tip.
"Ah! Perfect!" Ollivander nodded to himself. "Now this is interesting… curious, really…"
"Why's that?" The Doctor spoke up. He had been fidgeting for the last few minutes, and was apparently now just an interested as the old wandmaker.
"As they say, the wand chooses the wizard," Ollivander mused. "The wand that young Harry almost bonded to – almost, but not quite – why, its owner gave him his scar."
"I see," the Doctor frowned, clearly deep in thought.
"So I tried a similar core with a different wood," Ollivander explained. "The phoenix that gave me this feather vanished years ago. A sister to the one who gave me the cores to that wand –" he indicated the holly wand, "—and the wand of the Dark Lord."
Harry blinked, wondering whether to feel concerned or excited. He settled on a mixture of both. It was a skill born of spending a lot of time running for your life.
"Well," Sirius beamed, clapping Harry's shoulder, "That's that then. How much?"
"Seven galleons."
As Sirius rummaged around, River cleared her throat quietly.
"Dunno if this is important, but there's a white-haired guy spying on us."
Rory turned around. "Oh yeah, there is. Look at that, Amy."
"You think he's interested in Harry, or he's just waiting?"
Sirius who had finally found his money, paid and spun around, an evil grin breaking out on his face.
"Oh sweet Merlin," Remus groaned. "Harry, stay with River and the Doctor. Amy, Rory, remember the plan."
Sirius strode out the door. "LUCY! HOW'S MY SECOND-FAVOURITE COUSIN-IN-LAW?!"
Lucius did not look best pleased, although he might have been if he realised that, all the way in the apothecary down the alley, poor Professor McGonagall had just had a small heart attack. "Black. You show your face again after all these years."
"OF COURSE I AM!" Sirius practically screamed the words to the entire alley. "I NEED TO GRACE MY DEAR FAMILY WITH MY WONDERFUL FACE AGAIN!"
"Popcorn?" River asked.
"There's an ice-cream place not far along," Amy suggested.
"Ah, yes, Fortescue's…" Remus sighed. "Ice-cream, Harry?"
"Uh huh," Harry said. "But can we come back and watch?"
"It's not like we can get out earshot," Rory pointed out.
They walked off down the street, Harry trotting back over with his strawberry sundae just in time to hear Sirius asking, "SO, HAS CISSY MADE UP WITH ANDY YET? I HEAR NYMMIE'S IN PROVISIONAL AUROR TRAINING, YOU MUST BE SO PROUD!"
"Is this normal?" the Doctor asked curiously, grimacing at Rory's pear-flavoured cone.
Remus just buried himself in his chocolate sundae, which everyone took to be a resounding 'yes'.
"LUCY, YOU HAVE TO COME OVER WITH DRACO ONE DAY! SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DECLARED INNOCENT, I'M SURE HARRY WILL LOVE YOU ALL! NOT BELLA, THOUGH. DEFINITELY NOT BELLA. KEEP HER AWAY. I KNOW SHE'S IN AZKABAN BUT KEEP HER AWAY. HER HAIR'S BETTER THAN MINE AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT."
"… what in the name of Merlin, Black?!"
In which everything I write slowly becomes less and less serious. That tends to happen with Sirius in tow, but still. STILL.
I actually wrote this a few days ago but forgot to post.
R.R
To EatsBooks, d1n0s, notwritten, The Geeky Folktaler, Kalladin1989, Nynxx, Serafitar, James Birdsong: I'm an idiot who forgot to add a R.R section last chapter, but thank you! (Yes, group answer. Because it would be repetative and have fun scrolling through that to find your own names...)
To Lazymanjones96: Glad to hear it!
To DesertSandBox: I knooow... I was invested, but I suppose things happen. I hope to please with this one.
The Geeky Folktaler (Again): As above, thank you!
Fangtasia21: The world's bins are just a front of the Dalek invasion. Don't believe their lies...