"Alright, Casey," Boden said firmly as he addressed the Truck captain, who stood before him, looking like he wasn't even sure how he'd gotten there. Kelly stood four feet to Matt's side with his arms folded against his chest, his presence there had been more volunteer than ordered. Boden looked at Casey and said to him, "Explain to me what happened out there on the apparatus floor."
Casey sighed and recapped, "The bells went off, everybody was scrambling to suit up, when that was done everybody headed to their own places on the rig...but Kidd just stood there by the door and kind of froze. I tried to nudge her along so we could get going, but she didn't respond."
"And then?" Boden inquired.
"Chief, she wouldn't move, I pushed her to get her to move, and she just had a meltdown."
"How much force would you say you used on Kidd?" Boden asked.
Casey shook his head, "Not enough to hurt her, I was just trying to snap her out of it. Instead she started screaming and pushing back."
"Where is she now?" Boden asked.
"In the bathroom," Kelly answered, "Brett's in with her, she was pretty shaken up."
"Chief," Casey said, "I didn't use excessive force with her, I don't know what happened."
"Nobody's blaming you, Matt, but I have to know what went down today," Wallace told him. "Call comes in, and instead what happens is nobody goes, Truck can't because the driver is having a breakdown, Ambo can't go because the paramedics have to tend to the driver."
There was a knock at the door and Herrmann stuck his head in and said grimly, "Chief, Brett just rushed Kidd out of here to Med."
Casey and Severide both turned at this sudden bit of news, Boden looked past them to the Engine lieutenant and asked, "What happened?"
"She said Kidd was in some kind of shock, I didn't get much past that," Herrmann answered.
"Chief?" Kelly looked back to Wallace.
Boden nodded, "Go on, Severide. Maybe you'll be able to get some answers."
"Kelly," Casey looked at him, "I don't know what happened, but I didn't do this."
"I know," Kelly nodded, "I'll find out what's going on."
Kelly poked his head in the room Stella had been taken to and asked, "Hey, everything okay?"
"Yeah," Stella insisted as she adjusted her shirt, "Fine, everything's fine, let's go."
"Hold on," Kelly blocked the doorway so she couldn't walk out and asked her, "What happened?"
Stella puckered her lips and blew out an exasperated breath and answered, "False alarm...just, got a little worked up."
"That's an understatement," Kelly said as he stepped into the room and pulled the door shut behind him. "You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah," she answered a little too quickly, "I'm fine...just...I just..."
Kelly took a step towards her and noticed that she wouldn't look at him, instead she focused down towards the floor.
"Stella?"
She gnashed her teeth together in frustration, and looked him in the eyes and told him, "I can't drive the rig."
Kelly raised an eyebrow inquisitively, "What do you mean?"
"I mean just that, I can't drive it," Stella said. Her voice dropped a notch and took on a newfound tone of panic as she added, "I just can't!"
"Why not?" Kelly asked.
She looked at him with a pained expression and reluctantly explained, "A couple months back...I asked Otis about letting me drive permanently...he said 'How about after I'm dead?'...I just..."
"Stella, what happened at the mattress factory doesn't have anything to do with you," Kelly said.
"See, I know that," she replied, "I know that...but I can't get myself to believe that. Looking back now...it was like an omen...or a prophecy...like...like he knew what was coming. So...I got what I want, I'm the permanent driver now, and Otis...he's not here anymore...and I just feel like if I get in the cab, I'm going to lose my mind."
Her eyes looked down towards something Kelly couldn't see and she absently pressed her thumb and forefinger together and latched them around her front teeth and bit them anxiously. "I just keep thinking back to all the times I busted his balls...and you don't think about it when you just figure they'll always be there...now that he's gone..."
"You can't blame yourself for that, it's what we all do," Kelly said, "Otis knew that."
"Yeah...maybe," Stella said unconvincingly, after a brief pause she looked at him and confessed, "I...I couldn't move, Kelly...I couldn't do it. Next thing I know Casey's yelling at me but I'm not hearing the words, and he's trying to shove me up into the driver's seat and I just lose it...I couldn't, I couldn't do it."
He nodded and was quick to assure her, "It's alright, I'll talk to Casey and we'll get something figured out." He put his arms around her and felt her trembling against him as he tried to get her to calm down so they could head back to 51.
"What?" Casey asked after Kelly relayed the whole story to him. They were seated at the Squad table and Kelly had given his men the cue to buzz off until their discussion was over, he wasn't sure what direction the conversation would take but he felt better doing it without everybody listening in on it.
"She's freaked out about replacing Otis, I don't know, I think she's got it in her head she had something to do with what happened," Kelly said.
"That's crazy."
"I know that and you know that, but she hasn't come to terms with it yet, can't you get someone else to drive for the time being?" Kelly asked.
Casey shrugged his shoulders in frustration, "Get who? Herrmann's on Engine now, Cruz has been on Squad for four years, and we're shorthanded enough as is, we were supposed to get a floater to fill in for Otis but whoever was in charge didn't get the memo. It's a bad situation, Kelly."
"I know," Severide squeezed his eyes shut and raked the fingertips of one hand across his face in equal frustration, "Unfortunately I don't know what the answer is."
"Have you thought about who the next person to get rotated here will be?" Casey asked, changing the subject.
"What do you mean?"
"We don't get to pick who gets sent here...what if it's someone else like Hadley...or worse, Gorsch?"
Severide grimaced at that thought.
"Or like Rice?" he added.
Casey looked at him and neither said anything for a minute, finally Casey responded, "I wasn't going to say anything."
"I know," Kelly told him, "That's why I did."
Casey all but dropped his head and for that matter his whole upper body on the tabletop, he folded his arms under his head and told Severide, "I get tired of breaking in new people, Kelly."
"I know."
"Most of them become part of our in-house family, but it never gets any easier figuring out who's going to make it and who doesn't."
Kelly nodded, "I know."
Casey slammed his forehead against the table and asked helplessly, "What're we going to do?"
Kelly shook his head, "I don't know."
Herrmann announced his presence by addressing the only other firefighter in the kitchen, "Casey, can I talk to you?"
Matt closed the refrigerator door and turned to face the Engine lieutenant. "What's up, Herrmann?"
"Uh...I know this is a bad time for you guys on Truck...and I know it's going to be a while before we get somebody to," he cleared his throat, "To fill in for Otis...if I can bump one of my guys over to Truck to help you out...I mean they're all qualified, you just give me the word."
Casey was awestruck for a minute. "I really appreciate it, Herrmann, especially after everything that's happened, but I can't let you do that," Casey said, "you need to keep your company full."
"Yeah...yeah, I know, it's just, I figured it was more doable to put one of my guys on Truck than to try getting Cruz back from Squad."
That made Casey chuckle. "Don't think I haven't thought of it, but Severide won't give up any of his men."
"Yeah, I know," Herrmann responded, "Just that those are our likeliest options until...you know, we have to break in another new guy."
Casey nodded, and thought, and thought, and thought...then he marched over to the bunk room and looked until he found the man he was looking for.
"Mouch."
The older firefighter got up from his bunk and said, "Not my turn to cook today, I already told the others."
"I know that. Are you up for driving for the time being?"
Mouch looked at him and didn't say anything at first, then, with a very stoic expression he answered, "Happy to serve, captain."
"So, how'd things go?" Kelly asked when they returned from a call.
"I think as long as Mouch will drive for right now, she'll be okay," Casey answered.
"Hey, I heard about what Herrmann did."
Casey turned to Kelly, "Yeah, that surprised me."
Kelly looked at Matt and noticed a mild look of panic in the captain's eyes. "Are you okay, Casey?"
Matt nodded, but told Severide, "I'm trying to keep our family together before somebody else comes in and pulls it apart."
Kelly didn't know what to make of that. They'd had more than their fair share of new additions to 51: Peter Mills, Rick Newhouse, Jimmy Borelli, then Kidd after him, most of them had worked out for whatever amount of time they had them, but that didn't mean it was going to be that way with the next firefighter they got.
"Matt, we've gotten new people before," Severide reminded him, "I've never seen you like this."
The blonde man looked him dead in the eyes and said point blank, "I'm tired of losing our people."
Kelly nodded sympathetically, "I know, I get it."