One day, at Eggman's evil lair.
Eggman: I hate that hedgehog… I hate him! I hate him! HATE HIM! I HATE HIM, SO MUCH, I'M GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH MY OVERPOWERED PLOT DEVICE! AND I'M GONNA TREAT IT AS A ROBOT DESPITE HAVING A SHITTY BACKSTORY! HOHOHOHO!
Meanwhile…
Sonic: Ah… Green Hill. My FAVORITE level that will never get old no matter how many times it appears. EVER!
Tails *radio*: Sonic! There's a bunch of robots invading the city that has the most generic name possible! Come and stop them!
Sonic: Can't you do it yourself? I thought you wanted to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
Tails: Nah! I'm too cowardly and pathetic to fight the boys myself, because FUCK CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Now hurry over!
Sonic: Fine…
Sonic boosts through the level.
Sonic: Is it just me, or do I feel like my controls are stiffer and I've gotten slower?
Later, Sonic runs into the desert portion.
Sonic: There's sand everywhere! Green Hill's looking a lot more like Sand Hill right now. GET IT?! CAUSE THERE'S SAND?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
He beats the level in just a minute.
Sonic: That's it? That was short… even for a Sonic level…
Sonic runs into the city and defeats the very easy to defeat robots who can't even fire.
Sonic: Heya, Baldy McNosehair! I noticed you're the only human in this entire game. Did SEGA just forget they existed or something?
Eggman: Glad you could make it, Sonic! Prepare to die by nostalgia!
Shadow shows up.
Sonic: Shadow?!
Metal shows up.
Sonic: Metal?!
Chaos shows up.
Sonic: Chaos?!
That, uh… red guy… shows up…
Sonic: Uhhh… Bowser?
Zavok: *facepalm* No, you blue idiot! My name is Za-
Everyone: NOBODY CARES!
New villain shows up.
Sonic: I don't know who you are, but I'm taking you down!
Sonic tries to boost into the villain, but he steps to the side.
Tails: He'S fAsTeR tHaN sOnIc!
Sonic: No he's not! He just stepped to the side!
All villains proceed to beat the crap out of him while Tails sits down and watches.
Sonic: Why are you just standing there?! HELP ME!
Tails: No, because I'm too cowardly and OOC to do so.
Sonic: Oh, fuck you!
They beat him down and he goes unconscious.
Tails: SONIC!
EGGMAN TOOK OVER THE WORLD IN SIX MONTHS AND SONIC'S USELESS FRIENDS DID NOTHING ABOUT IT!
Vector: Sonic is dead! We're useless without him!
Amy: He's gotta still be with us! I KNOW IT!
Silver: Why am I even here? And if I'm here, where are Blaze and Cream?
Rouge: Why is Knuckles our commander? And what has Shadow been doing these past 7 months?
Knuckles: BECAUSE I AM KNUCKLES!
Espio: Sonic is gone! We must fight for ourselves! I don't know why it took us 6 months to figure that out.
Knuckles: Anyways, I found some abandoned kid in the city and took him in. Come in!
mariobroultimate: Um, hey guys! I'm mariobroultimate the hedgehog!
Knuckles: Meh. We're just gonna call you rookie! Now take this Wispon and grappling hook and get out there!
mariobroultimate: But I thought you guys were gonna make yourselves useful for once.
Amy: We were, but the writers want us to be useless cheerleaders.
mariobroultimate: Of course…
Next scene.
Knuckles: GOOD NEWS! Sonic is alive!
mariobroultimate: Uh… you just told us he was dead. What was the point of that suspense of you were gonna throw that all away?
Knuckles: Plot convenience, Rookie. Plot convenience! He's up in a cell being tortured!
mariobroultimate: Tortured?! Woah! That's dark! Even for a Sonic game! I wonder what they're doing to him.
Meanwhile…
Tails was fixing a broken Omega.
Tails: I can't fix this. Sorry, buddy.
Chaos emerges from a sewer cell.
Tails: Whoa! Chaos! SONIC, HELP ME!
Chaos: … Seriously? You fought a stronger version of me back in 1998 and it's 2017. What the heck happened? I hardly find you even worth taking out…
Suddenly Classic Sonic emerges from a portal and bops Chaos.
Chaos: Hey! I didn't even get a boss fight!
Classic: How did I get here?
Tails: Woah! You're that Sonic from another dimension, aren't you?
Classic: Another dimension? Uh… Generations established I was from the pa-
Tails: Listen, you little shit! You're from another dimension, now! STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Classic: Okay, fine! Why am I even here? I already had a game of my own, and this doesn't look like a Generations 2!
Tails: The world needs a Sonic! Now help save the world!
Classic: Okay, then…
Classic goes through a level. He feels like shit as he goes through the level, having floaty and heavy physics that ruin his experience and make him slow as fuck.
Classic: TAKE ME BACK TO MANIA! I FEEL AWFUL!
Tails: NOT UNTIL YOU SAVE THE WORLD!
Meanwhile…
Sonic's just chilling in his cell despite being "tortured" for months. Then the red guy opens the cell.
Zavok: Yo Sonic, wanna fight?
Sonic: Eh, sure. I got nothing better to do.
Sonic beats up the forgotten villain, Sonic The Fighters style.
Later…
Sonic: Hey, did you come to rescue me?
mariobroultimate: The commander said you were tortured, yet you don't looked beat up or act any differently.
Sonic: Tortured? I was never tortured. Bad dubbing must be responsible.
Later…
Sonic: Let's do a DOUBLE BOOST, partner.
Both of them missed the high five and fell over.
Sonic: Aw, we missed the high five! Screw it, we'll do it anyways!
They Double Boost anyways.
Later…
Snake appears.
Sonic: Oh, hey Lyric! Never thought I'd see you in a Modern game!
Later…
Infinite beats Sonic.
Infinite: Hmm… I should probably finish him off. After all, if I let him live, he'll serve a threat to me later on… Nah! He's not worth finishing off! LATER, BITCH!
Later…
Green Hill, Green Hill
Classic: Wow… Green Hill inside Green Hill. Because I CERTAINLY need more Green Hill in my life!
Later…
Eggman: YOU LET SONIC LIVE?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Infinite: Oh, please. He's beaten you for decades.
Eggman: But Sonic's only 15…
Infinite: Oh…
Classic fight…
Eggman: I'm bringing back a butchered down Egg Dragoon as Classic's only boss fight!
Classic: Get me out of this fucking game! What did I do to deserve this hell?!
Eggman: In three days, I will conquer the world! Think you can stop me?!
Later…
Knuckles: Thanks to the Rookie, things are turning around!
Espio: Mission complete! Well done everyone!
mariobroultimate: Uh… all I did was go from Point A to Point B and destroyed a few badniks along the way. I didn't save anyone.
Later…
Tails: Have we met before?
mariobroultimate: Classic Sonic? What are you doing here?
Classic: I don't know, but please save me! This game is killing me!
mariobroultimate: Finally! Another sane person in this game!
Sonic: TAILS!
Tails: SONIC!
They hug with no emotional moment.
Sonic: Hey, it's been GENERATIONS since I've seen you!
Classic: Wow… Very funny…
Later…
Replica Shadow: I'LL KILL YOU!
Shadow: *without Chaos Emerald* CHAOS CONTROL! *kicks fake Shadow*
Replica Shadow: Damn… no boss fight…
Shadow: He wasn't even good enough to be my fake.
Later…
Knuckles: Alright guys! I came up with a full on assault strategy called OPERATION BIG WAVE! I thought of it in a minute and a half, and we're sure to win with this!
mariobroultimate: Whoa! Knuckles, I think you should put a little more thought into your plan. This sounds risky!
Knuckles: Guess what, Rookie! Your opinion doesn't matter. Besides, shouldn't you and Classic be mute?
mariobroultimate: STOP CALLING ME ROOKIE!
Later…
Amy: 80% of our forces have been wiped out!
Knuckles: Holy shit! Looks like the Rookie's our only hope.
mariobroultimate: I told you! You're the worst commander ever!
Infinite flips gravity.
Knuckles: Remember, what you're seeing isn't real!
mariobroultimate: Knuckles, he flipped gravity for me! How is that just me tripping balls?!
Later…
Classic Sonic builds up as much speed as he can, but doesn't make it up the steep ramp and falls down.
Classic: I'm literally gonna go insane…
Later…
Sonic: Found a way to the computer room!
Vector: DID SOMEONE SAY COMPUTER ROOM?!
Later…
The Death Egg is blowin up.
Prisoners inside the Death Egg: Hello? We're still in here! HELLO?!
They all die as the Death Egg explodes.
Null Space
mariobroultimate: Whoa! This place looks so cool! I can wait to explo-
Sonic: Alright! Let's head back. DOUBLE BOOST!
mariobroultimate: What?! But we just got here! What was the point of-? I hate this game… why…?
Later…
Sonic: I had help from my friend!
mariobroultimate: Sonic, can you please stop talking about friendship?
Sonic: NEVER! BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FrIeNd!
Later…
Tails: When the battle ends… we'll have to part with… the other Sonic…
Classic: Why are you getting so emotional? We didn't even grow a bond throughout this story.
Later…
Sonic's friends beat up the replicas like they're nothing.
mariobroultimate: So NOW you guys decide to be useful?!
Omega shows up to battle.
Rouge: Omega!
mariobroultimate: So… is anyone going to explain how he got fixed? No? … Okay then.
And he barely helps at all.
Infinite third battle
mariobroultimate: This was literally just the Metal Sonic boss from earlier!
Sonic: What do you mean? Feels different to me. By the way Infinite, we beat you because I have FrIeNdS!
Infinite: NOOO… I can still fight! *disappears*
mariobroultimate: What happened?
Sonic: Oh, he's been kicked out of the story.
mariobroultimate: Seriously…?
Later…
Classic: Sidescroller?! WHY?!
Later…
Eggman: I merely incorporated the Phantom Ruby into this Death Egg Robot!
mariobroultimate: Death Egg Robot? Wow… how original…
During the third phase…
mariobroultimate: Seriously?! This is just the Nega Wisp Armor for the third FUCKING time! Why is this game so lazy!
Sonic: Who cares?! Let's TRIPLE BOOST!
Ending…
Classic is fading away.
Classic: Yes! FINALLY! I'm going back to Mania! So long, suckers! I'm outta here! *fades*
Tails gets emotional even though the two didn't even grow an established bond.
Sonic: Cheer up, Tails. I'm sure we'll run into him again.
mariobroultimate: NO!
Sonic: We need to fix the real world we all live in!
Tails: True dat!
mariobroultimate: What the fuck? 'True dat?' Really?
Tails: We need to work together and make a diligent effort!
All: Yes!
mariobroultimate: Hypocrites! You all are hypocrites! Other than me and the two Sonics, you guys didn't do shit throughout the entire game! And Tails, you cowered in fear at Chaos 0, WHEN YOU FOUGHT CHAOS FOUR! WHAT THE FUCK?! I swear, you guys have been brainwashed by shitty writing! That's it! I'm out! You guys can fix the town by yourselves! *cue Phantom Ruby noises and teleportation*
In the real world
The writers get a knock at their door and they answer.
mariobroultimate: Hello. Ken Pontac and Warren Graff is it? The current writers of Sonic? Yeah, we'd like to have a nice little 'chat' with you.
The whole Sonic cast and a bunch of angry fans appear behind me.
mariobroultimate: All of us…