I don't own anything Inuyasha.
...
For the most part there was nothing. Not actual darkness, but a cognitive dissociation so strong he could not recognize it as the lack of his former self. His mind worked only in the moment, as any dog's would, and as the magic of the world dwindled away the majority of his new life failed to make it to memory. He could not remember that, over time, he was feeling hungry more often. Or cold. Or hurt. There were many aimless years, but time was no longer a concept he was able to hold onto. Sesshoumaru only knew what he needed to do in whatever current moment he was in. His only real drive was to live; to hunt, to sleep, and to seek protection.
Then there were moments when he would feel the need to search for something more than just survival. It persisted as a nagging itch that he could not scratch until he would wander to a new area and find more of the same as anywhere else; humans and fear and falsities. Sesshoumaru could feel the air heavy with ambition as the humans claimed more and more of what was wild. The massive, snow white dog would snarl and stalk the outskirts of their homes, trying to find the scent or sight that would finally quell the irritating longing within him. Though, he could never stay long. He was dangerous, he could feel that, and he could tell by the scents of any that came across him that they knew it to. The humans would call out and, with shaky bravado, scream and throw stones till he was out of sight. Sesshoumaru had learned that unless he was willing to bow down to the will of humans he would never have a place with them.
He was unwilling.
One winter day, the irksome need to search interrupted his hunt and led him to another settlement. Sesshoumaru tried to avoid them, but a deep part of him consistently called out for it, the sensation barely treading water in the deep fog of his consciousness. He stalked in the dark outside the growing village, finding nothing to satiate him, when a small, helpless noise called out.
There was another dog, a small, injured one that sensed him and cowered. Sesshoumaru stared down and sniffed at the mutt. His senses told him that they would not survive on their own. With a haughty huff, he turned away to silently slink back into the forest. After a few steps he stopped to look behind him at the hurt canine, wondering why he was not following. Following this first addition, his search continuously called him to others and now he not only lived only for the sake of it, but had something to protect.
The pack swelled and diminished several times over the many years. There was loss. He felt it in a disconnected way he felt the nagging sense to keep searching for… he could not process what. Just the vague sense that something was missing from him, and for those that he had found lost along the way. He kept living, but could not begin to reason why. It wasn't important. He was living and that was what he had to do. Survive. Hunt. Sleep. Protect. Search. Eventually, even the lost inus that folded into his pack were not what his search called out for and the irksome twitch sat at the back of his mind like a heavy weight, unwilling to be forgotten.
For the most part, there was nothing. Not actual darkness, but a void; an endless fissure where who and what he was lost themselves in the haze. Then, there was a fluttering, pink light.
Then, there was her.
.
"Hey, Sesshoumaru," the woman called softly to him, rousing him from his half-awake ruminating over the dreamy small bits of memory he had gained recently. In them, there had been sterile halls that felt safe. There had been a large family that had been separated and a soft hand on him, soothing his anxiety and asking for his trust through touch. The day had passed quietly in the small apartment and now the sun hung low in the sky. The power he had absorbed from her earlier seemed to also wear him out and the dog chose to spend most of the day resting in the sunlight.
Intuition was a common inu trait. Their ability to pick up and react to the emotions of those around them was useful in survival and pack tactics. She spoke to him a lot, but it was her touch and tone he could actually comprehend. She was such an open creature by nature that he could understand almost everything that came from her.
Now, the heaviness of her heart could be heard in the false cheer in her voice. Her tentative touch was the polar opposite of the bold explorations she had been offering. Even her scent was apprehensive; salty and dark. She was distancing herself.
.
.
.
Wild land and safe locations were harder to find as the humans swelled into all available spaces. A hazy smoke tinted the air wherever they went. The ground became harder and the trees thinned. Places that were once familiar to them disappeared, replaced with monuments of human innovations and convenience. They had stayed away from the massive villages as much as possible. It seemed only trouble would find them whenever they got too close, and through repetition Sesshoumaru learned that these conquerors would never take kindly to him and his charges. Necessity dictated his decisions in the survival of the pack, but the Search would interject his instinct for its own futile need. In those times, he would scent and hunt for whatever would quell the damnable nag at the base of his mind. He was anxious against the danger it posed, but would eventually give in to it. Every time, there was never anything for them to find.
As his current pack grew larger, the pull of his Search kept creeping him closer to a monstrosity of a village. It was too busy and too loud and so bright. This place was not meant for him. He fought against the urge to move closer; to seek, to find, to save… he did not know what. Sesshoumaru understood continuing to live, but once again this alien force was trying to get him to understand how to live for more. It was fighting against all his other instincts, and winning.
The building they had found stayed mostly in the dark and smelled of char and age, but not of humans. It was adequate enough and the pack had settled even though his heart drove him to run for the trees and wilds and security of obscurity. He did not know how long they were there, because even if he could understand time it would not have mattered, but one new moon night as he was hunting, humans had entered his space.
He smelled them upon his return and waited for them to dare get close again. They did, and he had challenged them. With a hungry pleasure he scented their fear and growled. In the past, his warning snarl had scattered most who threatened what was his. Any that did not heed his warning would never get a second chance.
From their small group, a woman had stood in defiance and then called out to him, but not with her voice. It was with a power.
A monster woke from a yawning depth within him. Weakly, its need clawed to the forefront of his mind and begged for more of this woman. The search that had been his annoying, constant companion sang out for the release her humming energy promised.
She radiated danger, but everything else about her asked him to trust her. To acquiesce. If he was willing. Perhaps it was because she looked at him as if he should know her, or because of the insistence of his subconscious, but he went silent and stepped forward. There was a fearful hope in her, a look he could almost remember, and he wondered. He nudged her hand with his nose, exploring the energy that trickled from it, and Sesshoumaru found himself willing.
Upon leaving the large, dilapidated building, the woman had tended to his pack. Through her careful and meticulous ministrations she cared for each one of his lost packmates with a practiced grace. Yet, she had treated him differently. She spoke to him like she would speak to one of her own kind, like she was pushing past him and speaking to the part that had kept him searching. Unconsciously, he was ebbing his own long-forgotten power out to trigger hers. He did not know if the woman could sense it, but his superior inu senses could.
The brave woman looked at him as if she knew him, even when he did not. There was something there, not just within her, but about her that made Sesshoumaru heel.
.
The woman had been distraught since that morning. He had been as well. The sudden surge of energy that woke them both also stirred an unfamiliar memory as he transitioned out of sleep. It was an odd dream where he was someone else and the woman was staring him down, passion in her eyes and weapon in her hands. He could not make sense of the threat in her words, but her actions were clear. In this flash of foreign memory she had meant him harm, and he had wanted to reciprocate. He woke, battle ready, and had known the energy for the danger it was supposed to be. The woman had cowered as he rose to face what would dare harm him.
The inu felt conflicted over feeling two things at once, because he could not remember a time when that was possible. He was torn between wanting to end the danger and trusting the woman it was coming from. He stalked towards her, both relishing her fear and wanting to calm her. He would not hurt her. Not anymore. He knew that, but could feel that there was a time when he had wanted to. Her power quickly receded at his approach and his conflict turned inward. Whatever consciousness that had blossomed retreated so quickly with the loss of her energy that Sesshoumaru feared he would disappear. Not able to understand essential crises, he sought out the woman who had seen him for more than he was.
And, even fearful, she had embraced him.
The woman spoke to him again, urging him to get up off the cool, smooth floor to follow her outside the quaint residence. He sank his head low and glared as they stepped through the threshold that was considered 'theirs'. She was trying to calm him, but the quivery tilt in her nonsensical chanting and nervous twitching only made him more weary. The tight stairway they traveled down was stuffy and uncomfortable. He groaned, missing the open forests, lamenting these artificial passageways, and questioning the growing part of him that told him to stay with her. The beast he was now longed for the uncomplicated safety of solitude, but the monster inside him reached out towards her, desiring the release she promised with short stints of power. If it was not for her unwavering commitment to care, not only to himself but to the pack that he had let her near without much question, he might have fought against this search within him. He would have probably left long ago.
She would take care of him, he knew. Her and that power that brightened his mind.
The wet streets reflected the drooping, bright lights that lined the walkways. Sesshoumaru squinted, the harsh light burning his increasingly sensitive sight, and tried to focus on the tottering scent of the woman. She was mumbling something to him, but that did not concern him much. She was also trying to lift him up into the boxy, almost completely empty white vehicle. The back doors were opened wide to accommodate his size, but the interior looked cold and smelled of stale and inconsistent humans. His nose curled and he huffed against her beckoning. The woman had then crawled underneath him, pressed her back into his chest, and pushed from her legs. The crushing pressure made him groan, and she had only managed to lift him a few inches, but she was adamant that he made it inside.
She looked at her hand, pondering at its potential use, then dismissed it by averting her eyes. Instead, she tried positioning his front paws at the lip of the opening and pushed him from behind.
He could smell the exhaust, the coming rain and the fear and curiosity of any who happened to look their way. He could feel their questioning looks and indignation. She had answered every passerby with sheepish chuckles and weak excuses. Sesshoumaru felt a displeasure rise in him in response. She was lying. The woman was lying for his sake, and she was clearly uncomfortable with misrepresenting him. Begrudgingly, he finally jumped into the vehicle, its axles and frame creaking under his weight, and tried to make himself comfortable in the tight space.
They drove in silence. Sesshoumaru felt the cold between them and how guarded the woman was. It bothered him to know he had something to do with it and could not grasp why. Her aura was usually sharp, but it was now so muddy with unknown guilt and heavy indecision that it became unnerving. Sesshoumaru sought out her other strength, the power that lingered just beneath her skin, to comfort them both.
With an unapologetic and demanding nudge to her hand, the cramped canine attempted to trigger her power. The woman started, her breath itching in her throat, and retreated. The brash and defensive reaction lengthened the distance between them. Sesshoumaru could tell that she knew what he wanted from her, but did not understand why she would not provide.
She finally spoke to him again, but he did not need to comprehend her words to know their meaning. The woman stared out at the dark road and, with grim acknowledgement, stated, "You're dangerous, you know."
Yes, that he knew. That sense had always stayed and served him well. He was dangerous. But, the power from her that called to him was also dangerous. It had a familiarity to it and there was a basal fear of it, but allowing it near him also heightened an awareness within him. It urged him to hang on.
Yes, this was dangerous, but that instinct inside him, that kept him searching for centuries -that had found this woman- assured him that he had never been the sort of being to ever turn away from danger.
All he had to do now was face this and his search would be over.
.
As far as Kagome could discern, they had been slowly inoculating each other to their normally damaging energies. The flutters of his youki that she had barely perceived before would raise her own reiki in response, but it had been so small that no real harm was done. Their auras had played tag and as they increased together their keepers' tolerance for it also grew. As she watched Sesshoumaru literally soak in her spiritual power this afternoon, Kagome became aware that if the inuyoukai truly got out of control she would have no way to stop him. Her powers would have no effect.
The same could be true for Sesshoumaru, but he had many, many more ways to deal out destruction.
Their drive out of the city was quiet and tense. When she first put on her glasses to deal with driving at night, she was startled to find they were not needed anymore. Kagome's shoulders sagged as she speculated and inferred that it would have to do with her increased powers. "Can't have priestesses fighting demons without naturally 20/20 vision," she had thought wryly. Still, it was unsettling. Her body was responding without her consent, healing her shoulder this morning and now adjusting her eyesight. It almost felt like the choice was being decided for her.
So lost in her thoughts and the road that Kagome did not realize Sesshoumaru was shifting until his cold nose bumped into her hand with a forceful insistence.
Her heart froze and her hand jerked away from him to clench over her chest. She didn't mean to be so fearful of him, but it made her realize just how guarded she was becoming. The inuyoukai was fully aware that she could help him and, dejected, he groaned, laying his giant head down on his impressive paws.
"You're dangerous, you know." Kagome wasn't really asking him to answer. It was just a fact, and the first thing she had said since convincing him to get into the large van.
The dog glanced her way, but still laid sulking in open space where a passenger seat would normally be.
The interior of the cargo van darkened as they left Tokyo's lights behind. The crowded, busy feeling of humankind and concrete buildings dissipated, replaced with the free wind of the thickening forest and brightening of the stars above them. Kagome could not see them, focusing on the road with more intensity than was probably required, but she could feel its effect as her jaw unclenched and her mind began to clear.
What this came down to was trust.
This was her responsibility and she wanted to feel in charge of it. She could not allow this decision to be made for her because, whatever the outcome, she was going to be responsible for it. Either way, it would change her life forever. Sesshoumaru was a victim of time and would most likely need help adjusting if he were to awaken. How he felt returning to himself and how he would try to heal his spirit after was going to be tied to her.
Does saving one soul you can still matter more than maybe protecting the whole? Has she grown up from that sort of thinking, or was cynicism jading her?
She had to trust herself to make the right choice.
They finally arrived at the cabin late into the night. It was so quiet that the sounds of the metallic doors creaking opening and slamming shut briefly broke the serenity. The darkness engulfed them in long shadows as Kagome unloaded her belongings and helped Sesshoumaru back out of the vehicle. As he disappeared for a moment in the tree line, she stretched her stiff arms above her head and sighed. Cool breezes danced through the lanky beech trees and muttered a calming rhythm as the world around them rustled. Tired, Kagome looked up at the moon slowly coming back into view through the canopy. It was a good night. She could practically hear Shippo's soft snores and Miroku's teasing whispers towards Sango. Suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and try to live in this soft, sweet memory.
Calling out to Sesshoumaru, she punched in the key code for the front door and went into the haven she had visited so often since her return from the Feudal Era.
Entering the loft-like cabin had forced a smile from her. The large main room was sparse. A large carpet covered most of the wooden floor and was topped with a few large pillows for lounging. The air was slightly stuffy and too warm considering how cool it was outside. Kagome went to the small kitchen and began opening windows. It was the same routine every time. First, bags by the front door. Next, open the kitchen window, followed by the small one in the outcropping section that served as a little bedroom, then the expansive one in the main room that looked out into the depth of tall, skinny trees and the night sky.
Sesshoumaru followed her inside, squeezing himself through the doorway with more grace than Kagome thought he might be allowed for a massive, out-of-place dog, and looked around their small space. When the tension left his back, she assumed that he had approved.
Grabbing her bag, Kagome escaped to the open area designated as a bedroom and rolled out the tatami mat and futon out from the closest. After quickly putting fresh sheets from her bag over the bed, she reached for her shirt and had lifted it halfway up before stopping.
She had undressed in his presence before, but had ensured his attention was elsewhere before doing so. It had never bugged her with Buyo or any other animal, but she had always been careful around the trapped inuyoukai on the off chance that maybe he actually was in there somewhere. It made sense at the time and now she was wondering if she didn't already know, subconsciously, that he would one day come back to what he was. Maybe had even hoped for it.
Looking over her shoulder, Kagome sought out the golden eyes that could pierce through any darkness, but did not find them.
Sesshoumaru was curled up in the main room, taking up a considerable amount of space, with his head pointing away from her towards the open window. His great frame was highlighted by the silver moonlight streaming through the trees, gilding his downy fur with brilliant light. She could see each immense breath he took in as his body rose and fell in a steady, prominent pace. His lofty presence was abnormal in this place. In fact, he was beginning to look unnatural no matter where he was. Perhaps, the only place he would ever truly belong was 500 years ago.
Regardless, he was here now.
Kagome could feel his weariness. She had been so concerned with the threat he could pose that she wasn't focusing on if he was actually threatening. He was probably anxious, confused, and unsettled. If he had wanted to lash out, he had the capability to do so already. If he did understand her, understood what was happening to him, and still waited patiently, then Kagome knew for a fact that he truly trusted her.
Where would he fit in with her going forward?
Quickly, she got dressed into her night clothes and, laying down, turned her back to Sesshoumaru. Her mind was tired after the trials of their day, and her exhaustion finally pulled her into sleep.
Sunlight spilled in early the next day, quickly heating the little cabin with the promise of a sweltering day. Sesshoumaru woke to the windows sliding closed as Kagome made her rounds. She offered him a weak smile in apology, then finished her small chore.
She had woken earlier that morning, extremely tired but unwilling to reclaim sleep. She had dreamt of the Feudal Era as she had wanted, and nothing special had happened. It was just the warm comfort of contentment and routine. They had sat around and enjoyed each other's company. Vaguely, she could remember the feeling of Sesshoumaru hidden in the shadows, close but not menacing. His little girl was with the larger group, giggling along with Shippo and warming herself by the fire. It was perfect, and she didn't want another dream to erase the feeling from her.
So, she had quietly padded around the cabin to get dressed in her athletic camping clothes and prepare a quick breakfast. Now, bringing the meal in a large bowl to Sesshoumaru, she squatted in front of him and looked him in the eyes, setting down the food as a peace offering.
"Let's go for a run, okay?"
He didn't respond, at least not in any way she could tell, but he did lower his head to eat. Kagome only nodded and went to the front door to put on her shoes and wait for him to join her.
To this day, she hated running. Other than being attacked by vicious demons as well as having the pressure of tests and saving the world piled on top of each other, it was her least favorite part about shard hunting. The burn in her lungs reminded her of breathing in miasma. The ache in her legs was exponentially more noticeable when she was not running for her life. Now that she thought about it, because she could not take her mind away from the torture she was putting herself through, she associated running with most of the traumatizing events of her past. Her breaths came in short, anguished wheezes and the stitch in her side grew with every step.
Sesshoumaru seemed to be having a good time, though.
Thankfully, there were not many people on the mountain trails today. Kagome, her wanderlust more at the forefront of her personality the farther removed she was from society, had explored back paths and game trails on her many trips out here herself and they made use of them now. She was not completely confident that they would stay hidden, but between hiking and running just to keep up with the bounding dog, she could not bring herself to care much.
His white fur streaked through the beech trees, chasing small animals and breathing the open air deep into himself. Each jarring landing thrummed through the earth, vibrating up her shaky legs. His satisfied pants split his canine mouth in a wide smile and he scented the air, relishing in the sappy pine and earthy soil around him.
"Sess-!" she called out, resting her hands on her knees and breathing hard. "Keep your head above your heart," the adventuring part of herself quickly advised. "Sess-maru! Break!" Each syllable was forced out between her desperate gasps of air.
His mouth snapped shut and head tilted to the side, trying to assess her and her wishes. She gestured to a clearing and made her way there, knowing he would follow.
Thankfully, the mountain shaded the small clearing from the late morning sun. The day's heat was already burning through the previous night's crisp air, making Kagome feel stuffy and sticky. She walked to the edge, catching her breath, and sat in the dirt to look out towards the towns that filled in the valley below. They were too high up to see anyone actually moving, but she knew they were there, going about their lives and completely ignorant to just how close their whole world could change in a matter of days. Even if they were not aware of it at first, having the sort of power that her and Sesshoumaru were growing within them back in the world had the potential to change everything. If she squinted, she could imagine Kirara flying through the valley above the bustling cities.
Once her lungs calmed down, Kagome greedily drank from her water bottle, then unclipped a large travel dog bowl from her travel pack and filled it for Sesshoumaru. She could hear the rustling of his fur and the reverberating pounds of his paws as he got closer. He sloshed up the water, cause no dog could drink gracefully no matter their once lofty status, then sat by her side to gaze out over the expanse below.
They sat in uneasy silence for a long moment. The tension from the night before had not fully dissipated and, especially after the exertion, their heavy breathing rang loud in their ears. She could feel his hunger for her earnest attention that she had pulled back from since yesterday morning.
Kagome looked up at the drifting clouds and said, "I have no idea what you'll do if I let you back to being 'you."
Sesshoumaru's golden eyes slanted her way and ears perked up.
She didn't meet his gaze. "It would be putting the safety of all those people," she gestured to the cities scarring the tree-filled valley, "above the life of one demon. It is probably unfair for them to endure it. It is really unfair that the decision is solely up to me, but mostly…" she sighed, fully resigned to the situation, and continued, "Most of all, I think either way it will be so unfair to you."
The dog remained unnaturally still and she smiled.
Her body has responded naturally to him since their first meeting in her own time. Their powers called to each other, strengthening one another, and pushed for recognition. Kagome had wanted to break this situation apart, study it, and come up with the best hypothesis possible. She had found a passion for medicine and the scientific process in her studies to become what she was today. They were a valid means to making wise choices.
But this could not be decided by her analytical side. Kagome had to trust her righteous heart and fall headfirst into what it drove her to do, because it already knew the right answer and had made the decision long ago.
The miko clapped her hands in front of her, the loud snapping sound of it startling the mighty dog at her side, and sealed her resolve. "I hope you don't grow to resent me, Sesshoumaru." She looked his way and into his amber eyes that held the demon she once knew deep within. "And I hope you don't make me regret this, either."
With a curious tilt to his head, the inuyoukai turned his attention completely towards her. Kagome reached out to the faded crescent moon on his brow and concentrated.
The reiki came easier this time, eager for the contact with the demon once again. The pink power sparkled and popped as it reacted to his youki, but then sank into him like it had before. Her smile steadied and she rubbed soothing circles on his soft fur as she focused on the growing spiritual energy inside her.
"I don't know how long it will take, but you are welcome to stay. I want you to stay."
.
He faced the woman as her warm expression lit with the power she offered. A warmth took over him as he felt their energies spark and swell and rise.
Sesshoumaru slightly awoke as the reiki crackled then melded with him. His mind was a fog of uncertainty, but he knew instantly that things were not right in the world. There were so many new, foreign scents and presences and yet, somehow, so much lacking. Nothing was the same. He blinked and studied the woman with his renewed awareness; the woman who had found him, who he had trusted and who his search had brought him to. She was brilliant and, like him, did not fit in the world he saw now. Over the last few months he had learned to know her face, but this was the first time he recognized her for who she actually was.
...Kagome...
The power that grew between them retreated as the woman...Kagome… shook and stretched her arm, apparently feeling sore from the large amount of power she had exerted. The reiki receded and their surroundings grew dark, even in the light of day, but his small regained amount of consciousness did not fade. Sesshoumaru knew he was in a natural form, but he was not fully aware of any other. There was a sense, though, that there was more. That he was more, and that there were no more of what he was. The implications of his situation began to crash into him.
Suddenly, he was very, very tired and felt very, very lost. He sat and hung his head, his tail curling around his legs, and stayed silent as he stared down at what had once been his country until the woman- Kagome- stood and beckoned him to follow her back to their cabin.
Sesshoumaru could feel the centuries that had separated the last time he had known her, but could not fathom how she had lasted through the ages. The answers of what had happened and who he actually was stirred restlessly within him, just on the brink of being released. Their implications hung a dark shadow over the thought of his search finally ending. It was close now, he was almost at the end, and he knew that just surviving would no longer be enough anymore.
…
A/N: Thanks for reading/reviewing :]