February 5, 2020
Adventures in Ogre-sitting
By Rudi Galvez
In a magical world where fairy tale creatures roam two ogres were counting down the days of their anniversary. Shrek and Fiona had been married for about eleven years and were planning on having a special night out. There was only one problem: they had no one to watch the kids! Their last babysitter had been scared away because of a little 'dung flinging' mishap that I care not to share. The ogre couple were discussing their plans with the other toons while I was eavesdropping on their conversation. Fiona was asking if anyone would be interested only to be turned away or scowled at. I couldn't blame them. Those ogre triplets were a handful enough for just the parents. Once everyone turned them down Shrek and Fiona were talking quietly to each other in the corner table at the theater. Being nosey I edged my chair to another table to listen in on their words.
"Well," Shrek said, "I guess we could do a dinner outing at home?"
"What?" Fiona gasped, "No, we deserve a night out. We've worked hard for it."
"I know but who's gonna watch the kids? How about Donkey?"
Fiona scowled, "Donkey can't even keep track of his own kids let alone ours."
"Puss?" Shrek suggested.
"Remember what happened the last time we left him with the kids?"
I wasn't around for that, but I expected Fiona was getting ready to tell.
"He was cleaning the kids with his tongue. His tongue!"
I wrinkled my face up wishing I hadn't heard that part. Suddenly the ogres grew quiet and I wondered if they had left. I rolled to their table and was surprised to see they weren't there anymore!
"So, Rudi," said an unexpected voice from behind, "Did you get all that?"
I whirled around to see Fiona and Shrek smirking at my guilty expression.
"Uh hey guys," I began awkwardly, "How ya doing?"
The ogres just looked at me frowning.
I hung my head. "How'd ya hear me?"
"Uh Rudi your vent," Shrek gestured to the machine on the back of my chair. "I wouldn't exactly call you 'stealthy' in the real world."
"Oh," I chuckled awkwardly, "Right."
I then got an idea that I would soon regret. "How about I babysit your kids?"
The two ogres looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Okay." Fiona said after a long pause. "Meet us Friday night at six thirty pm. Don't back out."
I shook my head. "I won't ma'am." I would've saluted if I was able to.
The following night came, and I stumbled into the fairy tale world where Shrek called home. Making my way into the woods I mentally prepared myself for I would be responsible for someone's children. This was my first babysitting job and I was determined to not fail or at the very least do a lousy job. When I made it to Shrek's hovel, I knocked on the wooden door. Fiona showed me inside and escorted me to Furgus, Farkle, and Felicia their triplets. The ogre babies were playing with blocks and coloring using slugs as crayons. Fiona gave me a list of the triplet's routine and said that she and Shrek would be back in two hours.
"One more thing," Fiona said before they left. "Whatever you do don't give Farkle the chocolate droppings."
"Chocolate…droppings?"
Immediately I glanced at a bowl on the table to see some brown pellets and flies swarming over it. I may have gagged a little, but I swallowed and nodded.
"Sure, thing Fiona," I said. "Have a good time guys!"
Once they had left, I had decided to sit down and catch up on a good ole book. Sitting down I pulled out my Warriors book and started to read. The kids were still playing and for a second, I thought this evening was gonna be peaceful almost boring even. Man, I was in for a rude surprise.
Minutes later I felt something tugging on my pigtail. I tried to ignore it and continue reading but the tugging was persistent. Laying my book down I glanced to see Felicia gripping my braid.
"What'cha reading?" she gurgled.
"What this?" I pointed at the cover. "Just some Warrior book. You're too young to understand the plot."
I held the book up again and tried to read when I heard something crash in the kitchen.
"What was that?" I said aloud.
"I don't know." Came Felicia's reply.
I then noticed her, and her brother Farkle were the only ones in the living room.
"Where's your brother?"
Dashing into the kitchen I found the little Rugrat Furgus on the counter scrabbling around knocking pots and pans on the floor.
"No no no!"
I caught them with hands and even my foot. But one pan hit my toes with a bang, and I dropped the kitchenware. The loud clang caused the other two infants to crawl in babbling curiously.
"Oooh," Farkle gurgled. "Rudi in trouble."
"It's okay kids," I reassured. "I'll uh clean it up."
I grabbed a broom in the corner and started sweeping up the debris and dumped it in a waste bucket. Dusting my hands off I was dismayed to see the triplets were no longer in the kitchen. Where the heck could they be? I started to smell smoke and I dove into the living room to see the kids playing with matches!
"Aah!" I screamed as I saw Farkle swallow one whole.
I picked up the ogre and pried his mouth open with my fingers. Big mistake. Farkle's stomach gave a loud rumble and he belched a stream of fire directly in my face! So much for a peaceful night.
I must've spent an hour washing my face in the sink trying to get all the soot out. I had put the kids in their playpen to keep them from getting into stuff. Once I was certain all the soot was washed off, I returned to a quiet living room. It seemed a little too quiet for my peace of mind. I peeked inside the pen and was shocked to find the triplets were gone…again! I saw a note stuck to the bars and picked it up. It had messy and incorrect handwriting.
"We wan awy cause you're bosy!"
Seething with anger I ripped the note to shreds.
"When I find those ingrates, I will slaughter them…mentally!"
Hey, they were still babies annoying or not. I grabbed my cap and flashlight and raced out into the woods.
The triplets crawled into the tall grass eating bugs as they passed by. They were having the time of their toddler lives! While I was busy in the bathroom, they had used the brief distraction to climb out of their pen and escape through the window. Now out in the woods the triplets were experiencing the taste of freedom.
"Where we go Farkle?" Felicia asked.
The oldest paused thinking.
"We go…to village," Farkle decided. "To see people."
"I see village!" Furgus exclaimed.
The two ogres crawled up the slope to see a small town in the distance. Giggling the triplets made their way to the entrance.
I stumbled out of the cave screaming my lungs off as the bears roared at me.
"That's the last time I ask bears for directions!" I panted.
I had been wondering the woods for twelve minutes and I still haven't found hide or hair of the triplets. Above all that it was getting late. If I didn't find the kids sooner, I'd have a bad position on explaining the whereabouts of Shrek and Fiona's babies. Sighing wearliy I crawled out of the bushes not even bothering to the brush the twigs and leaves out of my hair. My main focus was finding the kids at the time. I walked down the curved path calling out their names repeatedly to hear them. Suddenly a group of people barged into me screaming in terror.
"They're after us!"
"It barfed on me!"
"We have to get away!"
"Get away from what?!" I yelled.
The group paused noticing me for the first time.
"Who the heck are you?" one man demanded.
"That's not your concern," I snapped. "What were you running from?"
"Ogres!" a woman shrieked.
I blinked for a minute. "Uh were these ogres babies by any chance?"
"How should I know?!" the woman shrilled. "All I know is one minute I'm enjoying a nice hot chocolate and the next those…those…creatures appear on my table grabbing everything in sight and eating it!"
That sounds like something the triplets would do. I thought. There must be a village nearby.
I left the group making my way to the village.
The triplets laid on the wooden floor sighing contentedly. They had just finished raiding a meat market (which proved to be unchallenging since everyone ran away the minute, they caught sight of the infant ogres) and were now relaxing. They had eaten to their hearts' content until their stomachs bulged from underneath.
"Farkle!" cried out a voice. "Felicia! Where are you guys?!"
The triplets sat up instantly recognizing my voice. They climbed up to the window and caught sight of me covered in leaves and branches.
"Heh heh," Furgus giggled. "Rudi look like swamp creature."
"We hide," Farkle said. "Rudi no find us."
The ogre toddlers crawled to the back door and headed into the alleyway. They hid underneath barrels and stalls so I wouldn't spot them easily. They were about halfway to the exit until Furgus knocked over a crate full of geese. The geese flew out squawking and scattering dozens of feathers on the middle triplet. Furgus sniffled and his brother and sister rushed to help but it was too late. With an enormous sneeze I jerked my head to see them at a stall covered in feathers.
"Ah-ha!" I pointed out triumphantly.
Before those runts could have thought about running away, I grabbed them and was about to head out towards the exit. It was then I noticed a crowd of angry villagers barricading the way out.
"Uh excuse me," I said to one of them annoyance clear in my voice. "We're trying to get through."
The crowd gasped and glared daggers at us.
"She's an ogre tamer!" shrieked a woman.
"She'll unleash her beasts on us!" screamed a man.
"Get her!"
The crowd surged at us with fury. Panicking I ran the other way entering a sewing place. The woman working the place saw us and screamed.
"Get away!"
She started throwing and flinging things at us.
"Ow!" one of the objects hit me on the head. "Lady calm down!"
But the woman didn't calm down. No instead she scrambled to the window and opened it and blew our cover.
"They're here! The girl and her monsters! They're after me!"
Fuming with anger I held out my hand and a flash of purple magic burst out and telekinetically lifted a nearby sweater and flung it the on the woman. Her screams became muffled and I used the distraction to run out the back door and towards the exit.
"There they are!" someone cried out.
By the time everyone turned around we were already long gone.
I had been running in the swamp for almost four hours and I was getting tired. The kids were starting to get restless and began playing with my pigtails. I figured it was time to take a break.
"Okay kids," I panted slowing down. "We're gonna rest by that log okay?"
The triplets babbled in reply and I laid them down and immediately fell asleep thinking I could have a breather for a minute. I should've known better.
I don't know how I long I had been asleep but suddenly everything felt…wet?
I awoke with a gasp spluttering for air. The log had fallen into a flowing river! I held onto it for dear life as the current carried me away.
Nice job Rudi I thought bitterly. You just had to close your eyes, didn't you? Call yourself a babysitter? Hah!
A rustled sound brought me out of my thoughts. The bushes moved for a second and who should it be other than the triplets who scrambled out into the open.
"I founded Rudster!" Felicia shouted.
The babies babbled with joy. Then their expression suddenly changed to horror and they started pointing and screaming about something. I turned my head and gulped fearfully at the sight of a waterfall!
"Rudi!" Farkle cried out.
His cry I could barely hear over the rushing water. The triplets rushed back into the bushes and for a second, I'd thought they left me to drown but they reappeared instantly holding a strong sturdy branch.
"Grab Rudster!" Felicia yelped.
The little ogres held out the branch close enough for me to reach. I grabbed it and let go of the log which had tumbled in the frothy abyss below. I was pulled ashore and laid there panting and trying to calm my heartbeats.
The triplets gathered around me urging and bugging me to stand. When I felt strength return to my limbs, I stood up grabbed the kids and headed for the path home. We had been walking in the trees for a few minutes when the triplets started fussing…again.
"I'm hungry!" Felicia cried.
"Me too!" Farkle pounded on my arms.
"Where do you think we are the fast-food joint?" I grumbled.
"We're hungry!" the triplets cried in unison.
I groaned loudly. All I wanna do is get out of here and back to the swamp and probably bang my head on a rock for even agreeing to do this in the first place!
I put the kids down and promised to be back. I remembered passing by a bush that grew berries earlier when I was looking for the triplets. It didn't take me long to find the same bush and I plucked off the berries and placed them in my hat which I used as a bag to bring back. I halted abruptly so suddenly that I almost spilled some of the berries, but I caught myself. Apparently, the triplets had found their own snacks and were munching on frog parts and slurping up moss. When they saw me and the berries, I was holding they toddled forward grabbed the hat and began stuffing their faces. By the time they finished they had blue purple-ish smears on their faces. We continued on the path and were very close to the swamp when suddenly an angry voice shouted out: "There they are!"
I turned around already knowing who was behind us. The angry mob from the village swirled around us like a pack of wolves ready to attack. I could feel myself getting more and more infuriated as they waved their pitchforks and torches. The flames reflected in my eyes and I had had enough!
Placing the kids down I scooted them behind me and told them to cover their eyes and tune everything out. This wasn't going to be pretty.
I turned into my toon monkey form and the mob went quiet for a second before they burst into hysteria. But little did they know that my toon form had a monstrous side…
Flipping my head back I roared as loudly as I possibly could. Birds flapped out in the night sky screeching in alarm. My scrawny brown arms soon quadrupled in size and I could feel my myself growing…fangs getting longer…muscles broadening…Roar!
My Kong form now present I had the upper field advantage now. I lowered my huge head to look dead straight at the mob giving them a silent threat that said a thousand words:
I have been to heck and back trying to keep a profile on these kids. I nearly drowned being harassed by you lot and almost eaten by bears! So, if you people don't leave while the goings good, I WILL PERSONALLY MAUL YOU ALL ALIVE! IS THAT CLEAR?!
Steam pooled out of my saucer sized nostrils as I waited for their reaction. Finally (also reluctantly) the crowd left grumbling until they disappeared from my viewpoint. Sighing heavily, I closed my eyes and calmed my mind. I felt my body shrinking back to its normal toon form and I changed back into a human after that.
"Okay kids," I said. "You can uncover your eyes and ears now."
The triplets did so giggling.
"Rudi roared!" Farkle said.
"Rudi louder than dada!" Felicia giggled.
"Raar!" Furgus roared.
"Come on we gotta home before your parents do!"
When we got to the house, I gave the kids a bath washing away the evidence from our adventure. I would clean myself when I got back to my world but for now, I was waiting for the parents' return. The door opened and Shrek and Fiona walked in exhilarated by their eventful night.
The triplets squealed in delight and toddled over to their parents.
"Any trouble?" Fiona asked.
"Nah," I lied sounding casual. "We good."
Good as leukemia. I rolled my eyes when Fiona turned away.
Without saying goodbye, I left but before I was halfway out the door Shrek stopped me.
"Nice job watching the kids Rudster," he praised. "You know what? Since you're good at watching the kids we thought you could come again next week. We're going on cruise ship for two weeks and…"
I didn't hear what else Shrek said as the last of his words echoed in my head. Two weeks?! Oh boy…
"…So, we're good." Shrek finished, "Oh and here's a little something for your trouble."
He placed three gold coins in my palm and closed the door. I fainted immediately after that overwhelmed by the responsibility. The triplets crawled out from the door and settled on me quickly falling asleep.
The End