Author's note:
Here's ten pages of #meddison rambling :).
bobbiejelly
The Blessed Unrest
Addison talks with Meredith after Molly Grey's Surgery in GA-S3-E10. Turns out, they have more in common than each of them initially expected.
"Are you going to frown at me again?" Meredith sighs at Addison when she sees her walking towards her at the end of a very long day.
Oh, shit.
First, she's had her not-family there.
Second, she's had her not-boyfriend's not-wife there.
Thirdly, she's messed up during Molly Grey's surgery when she froze while Susan Grey was freaking out at her when her grand-daughter wasn't breathing, and she's had to explain to her a whole bunch of times that they weren't her family.
"No, I'm not going to frown at you again. Look up, see, look at my face. I'm not angry, not that I even was in the first place," Addison says softly.
Addison is standing in the doorway, not walking in or out yet, allowing Meredith to invite her in or not as she felt comfortable.
She's waiting, not pushing. She's not pushing me...
Meredith watches her stand there, and she does look up. And she sees Addison's pained expression, and it makes her breath catch for some reason.
"So why are you here then?" Meredith asks more cuttingly than she's probably had to.
She sees Addison flinching a little, and she almost wants to take it back the way she can tell she's misplacing her anger again.
Meredith has hurt Addison, albeit indirectly, time and time again.
And how does she thank her? She snaps at her when she's just asking a question.
Of course…
"I just- I just wanted to check in with you, that's all. Molly's baby is doing okay now. Laura Grey-Thompson, born and recovering. And I just thought that you'd want to know that-" Says Addison, before smiling a forced smile and moving to shrink away again.
But this time Meredith stops her.
"Wait, Addison," Meredith calls out for her.
Don't go. Just not yet. Stay with me a little longer…
"You bellowed, Dr. Grey?" Addison throws her head back and chuckles at herself, and Meredith can't quite piece together why but she likes the sound of it a whole lot, and it makes her twitch for some reason, and she can't quite piece together why that's happening, either.
"Hi…" Meredith offers shyly, because she realizes she hadn't planned anything else to say at this point.
If it were anyone else, they might have left by this point, but Addison doesn't, and she just stands there patiently, maintaining eye contact until Meredith is ready to speak again, and for that, Meredith is somehow extraordinarily grateful.
Maybe this is why Derek had so much trouble leaving her.
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't have it together in there. I just looked at her baby, and it wasn't breathing, and Susan was looking at me, and Molly was looking at me, and I just didn't know what to say to either of them, and I didn't mean to let you down after you'd already stuck your neck out to put me on the case, and I know you'd probably prefer not to work with me, because I know it's complicated, and I'm complicated, and-" Meredith rambles on and on and has to stop to catch her breath in the middle of it.
And, to her credit, Addison doesn't laugh, or make fun, or joke it away.
She just keeps nodding supportively, and it finally brings Meredith's breathing under control.
She didn't abandon me, already, like everyone else in my life?
"Meredith, you don't have to explain it to me. I shouldn't have had you in there. It was an error on my part, I'm sorry for that, and I just wanted to let you know that I was harsh on you because I was rushing the baby into surgery, not because I was angry at you," Addison offers before bowing her head at her.
Maye this is why Mark flew thousands of miles just to see her again.
"Why are you here, Addison?" Meredith asks very quietly. "You should hate me. By all rights, you should hate me. I mean, I stole your McDreamy. I dumped my dog onto you then he died and I watched. And now, you're divorced, and I have mommy and daddy issues, and you're an Attending, why aren't you busy bossing people around like the other people with PhD.'s around here?" Meredith rambles.
"For what it's worth, Meredith, I really did love the dog…" Addison affirms awkwardly.
"Yeah, well, so did I. And then he died. So…" Meredith frowns darkly, expressing her anger at the world at this woman at random, and she finally shuts herself up because she realizes she doesn't need to waste Addison's time any more than she already has.
Meredith expects Addison to leave at this point. She would have, at least. Meredith has no idea why this tall and powerful woman is still standing in the doorway after she'd been scoffing at her for the better part of the last ten minutes.
But then, Meredith runs away from her problems. Just like her mother does. Just like her father does.
It's in her blood.
"I don't ah, I don't hate you, Meredith…" Addison sighs tiredly, and then Meredith realizes that she's spent over fifteen minutes venting here, and she hasn't even asked Addison how her day's been going yet.
She's used to people just taking care of her. Maybe she's greedy that way. Probably.
"You don't?" Meredith looks up, wide-eyed, and incredibly moved. After she's earned Addison's not-hate, she's realized to herself how much she really freakin' respects that.
She's hated Addison for ages, but Addison hasn't been hating her back.
It feels suddenly cheap she's been hating Addison for so long, especially when she hasn't had reason to.
And now, she can't figure out why she's been hating Addison after all.
Actually, at this point, she can't figure out why she doesn't like her. Oops. Big oops.
"No, I don't, Meredith," Addison sighs, and Meredith can't figure out why she's looking amused again for a second.
"Why the hell not!?" Meredith lashes out again, clenches her fists, and punches the wall until her hand bleeds a little, and Addison rushes into the room then and stops her, holding onto Meredith's hands so she'll stop hurting herself.
"Meredith…" Addison says softly.
"Why don't you hate me!?" Meredith whips her arms out of Addison's reach, waves them in the air, and almost reaches to punch Addison's arm, but then she finally snaps out of it and stops herself.
No, I would never hit her. I'd never hit a woman. I'd never hit a woman like that…
"I just, don't," Addison offers. "I did, for a while, but it was hard to keep hating you when you didn't know, about Derek being married to me, I mean. And then, after that, after the prom, sure, you slept with him, but sure, I slept with Mark, and it's not like I'm trying to talk about being even here, but trust me, Grey, I've ah- I've done a lot worse than you have, so…" Addison sighs, and she gestures to the spot besides Meredith on the supply closet floor, and Meredith finally realizes she should be nodding here.
Great. I've been making her stand up this entire time. Fantastic.
"I've done a whole lot of other bad stuff," Meredith offers Addison, wanting to make it clear that she's definitely much more of a mess than she is.
"I don't want to invalidate your other 'bad stuff,' and I still want to affirm that I've at least, also, done a whole lot more 'bad stuff,' Addison nods, as she presses her head back against the wall, now sitting right besides Meredith.
"I told my father's new wife that I didn't want to be her family. I haven't told my step-sister that she actually is, at least, biologically my family. And my mother, who is my last surviving immediate family, remembered me for the first time last week, and she confessed to me first that she wishes that she hadn't had me so that she could have had a better chance of ending up with Richard. And when I say Richard, I mean 'The Chief,' Richard, who had an affair with my famous mother ages ago, and now he still acts like my daddy, but he's not my daddy, and all of my intern friends are mad at Cristina, and I highly doubt that you've done more bad stuff than I have," Meredith says frustratedly.
"I ah-" Addison sighs, blinking back tears before she clears her throat and she starts again. "I aborted Mark's baby. I found out after I'd left Derek the first time, but before I'd come back for him the second time, that I was doing to have a child without him. And I didn't call Sloan before I terminated his child. And now he finally knows. And I know I should have called him at the time, but when I found him with that other girl after we'd been together. Or, sort-of-together, for two months, well, I just thought that- I have no idea-" Addison's voice breaks, and then she starts crying, and Meredith has no idea what she's supposed to do about that.
If it were one of her other friends, she'd wrap her arms around them and quietly empathize.
But she's not one of her other friends, she's her boss, for one. And she's someone she hardly knows.
But Meredith doesn't know any other form of human comfort, so she wraps her arms around Addison, and Addison just keeps whimpering, and Meredith finds out incidentally that she finds comforting Addison, in and of itself, oddly comforting.
She's helpless for most of her other lives, and she's never got the right thing to say for the rest of them.
But sitting here now, with Addison's head on her shoulder, and her head on top of Addison's head, she's just sighing and relaxing and letting go for the first time in a very long while.
Meredith lets her own tears flow, deciding that she's allowed to have a moment if Addison's here having a moment.
And it can be both of their little moment(s), at the same time, here in this supply closet.
Your shared moment.
She starts breaking down, even more, blubbering, and whimpering.
Meredith pulls her closer, and runs her hands through her hair gently.
Addison keeps on bawling, and somehow Meredith knows not to ask her why, because she might not even know.
Meredith just holds her until it passes, and when Addison opens her eyes again she starts and keeps on apologizing.
"Meredith, I'm your Attending, and usually I'm not this much of a mess. I'm more put together, and it's been a bit of a weird week, and I'm sorry-" Addison offers.
"It's okay, Addison. It's okay," Meredith finds herself saying, and she's feeling the words on her tongue, clinging to the taller woman's form like a lifeline.
"Do you hate me, Meredith?" Addison eventually brings herself to ask Meredith that.
NO.
"Not really," Meredith sighs, and offers. "Actually, no," Meredith concedes, "you didn't know about me, either. Before you showed up here. And I knew about you, that time, at the prom, when I was with him. And you never really go angry about me for that. You were never a bad teacher to me. Actually, you were always a good teacher. Professional. Actually, you're one of the best teachers here, now that I think about it," Meredith rambles.
I just can't help myself, can I?
"Thanks, Grey," Addison reaches down to squeeze Meredith's hand to thank her.
"Thanks, Addison," Meredith nods, and squeezes Addison's hand back.
Meredith can feel Addison start to get up again, and she's at a sudden loss now, because she has this lingering feeling that she doesn't want this little moment to be over.
How could I hate her? Now I'm starting to like her. Oh, god, what is wrong with me!?
For now, they're just them, two sad women in a supply closet, not two points of a love triangle. Not two of Derek Shepherd's exes. Just them. And it's nice.
Really nice.
"You know, for what it's worth, Addison…" Meredith takes a deep breath before she says this next part. "I think you'd have made a really great mother…" Meredith says softly.
"You think so?" Asks Addison hopefully.
Yeah!
"Yeah," Meredith offers shyly.
"That ah, that means a lot to me, Meredith," Addison says equally softly.
Yay!
"Well, then again, I don't have a super great track record with mothers so it's possible I just think you'd be great because mine is awful," Meredith says, before kicking herself for saying something so awful.
To her credit though, Addison simply smiles, and tells her she understands that mothers can be challenging sometimes.
"Y'know, you're the first person who hasn't judged me for not always being happy about my mother. Mothers. Mothers? No. Just one mother. I rejected the second mother. So, mother," Meredith rants on again.
Wow.
"You always get to decide. You don't have to let them into your life if you don't want to. They do seem really nice though, and nice people who want to support you can be nice to have around during an internship," Addison offers.
"They just remind me that I'm the one that got left behind, like I'm the second-best. Or third-best, really, because apparently Lexie's at Harvard," Meredith sighs again.
"They seem to want to pick up where they left off?" Addison shrugs, then pulls away again, worrying that she's stepped way too far over the line again.
"Do you feel like you're getting left behind?" Meredith asks her suddenly, and she watches as Addison's eyes flicker before they're pointed down and away from her again.
"Sometimes," says Addison. "Mostly," she adds. "More and more," she adds finally.
Oh.
"It's like when you're running the mile in grade school and everyone else is a better runner than you so you're at the back and by the time you get to the finish line only the gym teacher's there pretending to cheer you on but really he's just glad that he can finally go home now," Meredith sighs loudly.
"I'd never thought of it that way," says Addison.
"I bet it never happened to you though. I mean, you have the longest legs ever that go on for miles. Or the entire mile. So it would have made running the mile that much faster so-" Meredith continues.
"I wasn't in good shape in high school," Addison chuckles.
"Oh yeah? Well, you must have gotten in great shape some time after that because now you can run a whole mile in those high heels that you wear. Which make you seem freakishly tall, by the way," Meredith says back to her.
"A whole lot of practice," Addison offers.
"Can you teach me?" Meredith asks impulsively, before kicking herself internally.
Why am I like this?
"Umm, sure, Grey. Do you want to learn how to wear high heels? I thought you were wearing some at the prom though?" Addison asks her.
"Yeah, but not like, in surgery," Meredith deadpans.
"It's really not that different. And besides, during surgery, usually I pretty much stay in one place," offers Addison.
"Right, I guess you would at this point," says Meredith. "Now that you're not an intern, you wouldn't have to run back and forth to give updates, or get supplies, or stand on the other side because you're blocking someone's view, or-" Meredith cuts herself off again.
"Right, ah, sorry about that, today," Addison offers.
"It's okay. At least you didn't kick me off the case. And I'm not sure I would have been able to keep it together in the O.R anyway," says Meredith.
"I think you might have been able to keep it together there. You're a talented surgeon. I didn't want to put you in that position again though, it would have been wrong of me," offers Addison.
"See- this is it!" Meredith says, and it's something like an 'aha,' moment.
"Wait, this is- what?" Says Addison.
"It's… IT! This here, it's the McDreamy. Or the Mrs. McDreamy. Or, rather, the Ms. McDreamy. Sorry. But this is that part where you're sort of dreamy, and I see now why you were married to the other McDreamy because you are also sort of Dreamy and so now I'm sort of confused as to why Mark's not with you?" Meredith says now, and then she tries to figure out what's going on with her.
You'd think I was drunk the way I'm talking to Addison at this point.
"Well, as I said, I terminated his baby, so that's mostly why I'm not with Mark now," Addison sighs.
"Right…" Meredith nods, and leans her head back onto Addison's shoulder again. "I'm sorry too. That it didn't work out for you, either way," Meredith offers.
And just like that, I'm rooting for her.
"Well, maybe it's best this way. Being single. Independent. Oh, what the hell am I thinking. I'm all alone…" Addison whimpers.
"You're not alone," Meredith says reactionarily before she's even thinking, running her fingers over the palm of Addison's hand.
"Huh?" Says Addison, not pulling her hand back, though.
Why do I like holding her hand like this?
"Like, we could be like, not-enemies, or whatever," Meredith says as she flutters her eyes up to Addison, realizing that she's holding her breath now, somehow exceptionally fearful that Addison won't say yes to her offer.
Meredith flickers her eyes down again, nuzzling into Addison's shoulder because she can't face her, can't face it if Addison doesn't accept this… Something back with her.
Something beyond just colleagues with lots of bad luck and bad blood behind them.
Wait, if she's not saying 'yes,' to me, should I stop holding her hand now?
Meredith sits there panicking for a second, and then, in reaction, she squeezes on Addison's hand.
"We could," Addison offers, and then Meredith realizes that she'd been squeezing so she relaxes her grip on Addison's. "We could be, not-enemies," Addison uses Meredith's phrasing. "Or, only if you wanted to, of course, we could even someday be friends," Addison offers, and there's this humungous weight that seems off of Meredith's shoulders as Addison proposes this offer.
"Yes!" Meredith says perhaps too quickly, perhaps too eagerly, perhaps too enthusiastically given the circumstances, but at the same time, she's been having bad news come to her left and right, so maybe it's not too weird she's appreciating this good moment, right?
"Okay then," says Addison, squeezing Meredith's hand back a little, albeit much more gently than when Meredith had been clenching hers.
"Okay," says Meredith. "Really, thank you. Okay," Meredith says, feeling like she needs to offer Addison more than just the one 'okay,' seeing as she's so much more amazing than she is, and her friendship is, therefore, worth more.
"You know ah, I know no one's died today, which is a great thing but ah, you know what i'm in the mood for? Hot chocolate. And I know I said it was juju for when a patient dies, but it's also juju when it's good juju, y'know? Like when something good happens. And this here, this could be something good happening, so would you like to get a hot chocolate with me, Meredith?" Addison offers… Nervously?
Whoa, she's already asking to hang out with me more!
"That sounds wonderful, Addison," Meredith says.
"So we'll have some then?" Addison asks her.
"Only if I'm buying, I think I owe you one. Or two rather, erm, since I didn't drink the first one the last time…" Meredith says awkwardly.
"If it helps you feel better, then sure, Grey," says Addison.
"It does, and it will," says Meredith.
"Well that settles it then," says Addison.
"Okay, we'll go get some good juju. Together," says Meredith, standing up abruptly, and offering her hand out to Addison to help her stand up again.
Together.
"Absolutely."
***** FIN
Author's Note:
Have a good one! And thanks folks for the reviews today, they've been wonderful. And heartwarming!
bobbiejelly