South Park : Tweek x Craig Incan Warfare

Jet flying noises and tires squealing from landing planes.

Poorly done spanish voice.

"Bienvido o Peru, disfrute de su estadía, tenga en cuenta que la cruz roja internacional está trabajando en esta área."

"Hello to Peru enjoy your stay please note the International Red Cross are working in this area."

Class outside of airport...

PC Principal "Now everyone please let's gather around and thank the people from the Make-A-Wish Foundation even though Token is not among us anymore..."

Token "I'm not dead!"

PC Principal "Who said that!" clears throat "I'm sorry I know not everyone deals with the loss of someone in the same way, even when it is through sarcasm we will respect your choice."

Token "Seriously, I'm not dead how many times must I..."

PC Principal "As you can see with the state of our once great nation, where we find that even little children are not safe from the reach of our authoritarian dictators known as the police force."

Token "I was shot by a nerf gun and by Cartman not the police."

Cartman "Don't pull that shit on me! I asked you to lend me your eraser and you moved your hand too fast. You left me no choice, I had to act!"

PC Principal "Eric I know you are grieving but let's finish. Token's dying wish was to visit Craig's his best friend's ancestral home in Peru together. Even though he was gunned down by the police..."

Token "I'M NOT DEAD AND THE POLICE DIDN'T SHOOT ME!"

PC Principal "Well in modern America he has to be dead. We've passed five police stations on our way to the airport. There is no way a male African American child could still be alive after all that."

Token "DAMMIT!"

Cartman "Now, now, Token you just have to play dead and we get to go on this field trip right guys?"

Guys "Sounds good."

Token"..."

PC Principal "I know it'll be tough but let's respect his dying wish."

Everyone "Yes, sir."

Mr Mackey "Thank you Principal for your moving speech mkay. Kids while this trip will be in honor of Token mkay. We will still try to learn as much as we can mkay."

Everyone "Arrrrggggggghhhh."

Mr Mackey "Now now everyone settle down I've got some quick facts to give mkay. Anybody know what Peru's leading exports are mkay?"

Everyone "..."

Mr Mackey "Well the leading exports of Peru are copper ore, gold, petroleum products and 80% of America's illegal aliens mkay."

PC Principal "Mr Mackey we've talked about this before."

Mr Mackey "What wrong about telling the truth mkay!"

PC Principal "Mr Mackey! "

Mr Mackey "Ok FINE then mkay the leading exports of Peru are copper ore, gold, petroleum products and 80% of America's undocumented immigrants mkay."

PC Principal "Ok then let's first head up to the resort and pack out our equipment."

Kyle "Equipment! is he going to f#ck Mr Mackey?"

Stan "Probably just PC for clothes and shit."

Kenny muffled noises "Looks it's Tweek let's go talk to him."

Stan "Tweek what's up?"

Tweek "AAARGHHH!" twitching "What? Oh it's you guys."

Kyle "Where's Craig I haven't seen him since we left the airport?"

Tweek "I don't know? He said we'd meet soon." twitching "but then he left. Token did Craig tell you anything?"

Token "Sorry Tweek, I can't tell you."

Tweek twitching "What! Why?"

Token "I just can't, sorry I'm leaving."

Tweek "NO, don't leave! Tell me where's CRAIG?"

Cartman "Maybe the Illuminati have him."

Tweek "WHAT THEY HAVE CRAIG?" twitching "NO! NO! NO! WHO ARE THEY?"

Cartman "They control the world."

Tweek "WHAT?!"

Kyle "Tweek don't listen to him shut up fat ass."

Cartman "Why don't you shut up."

Cartman "Tweek let me see your phone."

Tweek "WHY?" twitching.

Cartman "Just as I expected it's a Huawei spy phone."

Tweek "WHAT A SPY PHONE?" twitching.

Cartman "Yes, Tweek, I'm sorry to say but the Illuminati have been watching you all along. They've probably kidnapped Craig too."

Tweek "CRAIG! I HAVE..." twitching "...TO FIND HIM." twitching.

Kyle "Stop it fat ass you're scaring him. Tweek this isn't real he's just making it up."

Tweek twitching "REALLY IT'S NOT TRUE?" twitching.

Cartman "Then how do you explain the china spy phones?"

Kyle "Well..."

Tweek "IS IT REALLY TRUE?" twitching "ARE THEY REALLY SPY PHONES KYLE?"

Kyle "It's only rumors they don't have proof."

Tweek "WHAT?!"

Cartman "No, it's true Tweek. The Illuminati owns China and you musn't believe what Kyle says he's a Jew, the Illuminati owns the Jews too."

Tweek twitching "AAAAARRRGHHHH!" Tweek runs away.

Cartman "Stupid homo!"

Stan "F#ck you Cartman." punches Cartman in the gut.

Next day...

Everyone laughing at Cartman.

Cartman "Frikkin spitting camels."

Guide points to ancient city.

"This is ancient city of Machu Picchu. Which is truly a great symbol of the Incan civilization, as we climb these stairs please feel the ancient."

...keeps on talking...

Cartman "I'm not climbing these stairs. Have to look out for my health, you might just trip and fall."

Stan "Whatever."

Cartman "Don't whatever me, bitch"

Token walks pasts helping crying Tweek on his shoulder.

Kenny muffled voice "It's Tweek everyone."

Stan "Where's Craig Tweek?"

Tweek crying "I don't know, he didn't come back and Token won't tell me where is."

Kyle "Token stop being a dick just tell him!"

Token "I just can't Craig's my best friend and I made him a promise. He'd never betray me and I won't betray him sorry."

Cartman "Just as I said the Illuminati they even own Token now."

Token "I'm going to fu..."

Guide "You guys don't fall behind."

Stan "Let's go."

Time Passes...

Guide "You must be tired. Let's have a break and enjoy some Incan cuisine."

Cartman "Finally!"

Kenny muffled noises "I'm going to ask Mr Mackey if he knows were Craig is."

Mr Mackey looking pale and shaking.

Kenny muffled noises "Hello Mr Mackey sir can you help me?"

Mr Mackey "EEEEEHHHHH! WHAT! WAIT! DON'T KILL ME!"

Kenny muffled noises "Mr Mackey what's wrong?"

Mr Mackey shaking "Oh hello Kenny, how can I help you?"

Kenny muffled noises "Do you know where Craig is?"

Mr Mackey "JESUS CHRIST! IS HE'S GONE TOO! PLEASE GOD SAVE MEEEEE!"

Mr Mackey runs away.

Kenny muffled noises "What?"

PC Principal shaking "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! WHERE ARE YOU? Oh, it's you Kenny what do want?"

Kenny muffled noises "PC Principal I was asking Mr Mackey a question and then he ran away?"

PC Principal "I see. Totally normal reaction, seeing recent events."

Kenny muffled noises "PC Prinicpal I was wondering, if you know where Craig is ?"

PC Principal "JESUS! BUT I SUPPORT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! I'M THE MOST PC PERSON ALIVE! PLEASE DON'T TAKE ME!"

PC Principal runs away.

Mr Mackey sitting in a bathroom stall shaking.

Suddenly he hears the stall next to him shut, he hears pants drops.

Someone "When I'm scared I gotta take a dump you know."

Mr Mackey thinking "Is that PC Principal?"

Loud rectum explosion noises, toilet flushes.

Mr Mackey "PC Principal?"

PC Principal "OH GOD NO! PLEASE DONT GHOST RAPE ME!"

Mr Mackey "PC Principal is that you?"

PC Principal "Yes, it is Mr Mackey."

Mr Mackey "Did you also see it? You know, Token's ghost?"

PC Principal "So it wasn't my imagination!"

Mr Mackey "Uh-uh, it was real mkay."

Mr Mackey "Let me tell you what happened. Then we can compare the evidence mkay?"

PC Principal "Good idea."

Mr Mackey "We'll you see...

Flash backs to previous evening...

Token walking down the hallway at the resort.

"Goddammit I hate this! But I've got to get a way to contact Craig. I know the ceremony takes time, but I'm not sure Tweek's going to make it that long."

Mr Mackey walks down hallway past Token.

Token "Mr Mackey sir, I cant seem to find my name on the list of rooms we're sleeping in. Can you help me?"

Mr Mackey "Who said that?"

Token "It's me Token I'm standing right over here."

Mr Mackey "JESUS CHRIST! YOU'RE A GHOST! GOD FORGIVE ME! I'LL NEVER SIN AGAIN!"

Token "I'm not dead! Please just show me my room then I'll leave!"

Mr Mackey thinking "I've heard ghosts who can't go on to the next life. Sometimes still have an attachment to this one mkay, and that keeps them here. Maybe I can help him pass on, but how? And I have to get him to stay and not float away mkay."

Mr Mackey "Okay give that form here. I'll write your name down mkay. Here you go but before you leave. Let's have a talk about how to deal with loss mkay."

Token "Dammit."

Scene changes firepit outside of the resort...

Mr Mackey "Now Token why don't you float over there and sit there by the fire mkay. Now Token when someone loses something precious to them. In your case your life a lot of feelings..."

Time skip...

Mr Mackey "and that's how we get to acceptance mkay and onto hope mkay. So I think we can all agree that's best for you. Is to move on to the next life mkay."

Token "I'M NOT DEAD!"

Mr Mackey "Now, now, there Token we don't need to get all worked up mkay."

Token stands up grabs the paper and storms off.

Mr Mackey "I wasn't thinking. I forgot Token was an African American mkay. He might have thought, I was using my white privilege and talking down to him mkay. Maybe I created a monster mkay. God please I didn't know...no...I knew all along mkay. It was my whiteness. It has affected his soul he must want revenge mkay. Please God what must I do? What can I do?"

PC Principal "Unforgivable!"

Mr Mackey "I know! I cried all night! What would you do?"

PC Principal "I see what you mean. I'm sorry let me tell you my story..."

Token walking down hallway.

"Good at least I know where I'm sleeping, crazy Mr Mackey. I have to find a way to contact Craig, I know his secret number. I just have to find a phone to call him on. There's a bar maybe they'll let me use theirs, don't want this number on a cell phone."

PC Principal "Hello ladies. Excuse me I meant strong females I honor and respect you. If you could just sign these vagina release forms and also down here at the talking respectfully with intent to copulate forms."

Strong females "Que caballero vamos a tener sexo."

PC Principal "Is that a yes or no? If you would like to answer, otherwise after 30 seconds I will assume it's a no and respectfully leave you strong respected females."

Strong females "We sex now si understand."

PC Principal "The deal is done. Let us vamos."

Female bartender "Es el pequeño niño fantasma de la profecía."

Everyone gasping.

PC Principal "What's going on?"

Bartender "There is a ghost child outside who wants to use the phone."

Token "I'M NOT DEAD! DAMMIT!"

PC Principal "I have to protect these strong females."

Token "PC PRINCIPAL! IS THAT YOU? IT'S TOKEN, PLEASE COME HELP ME I NEED TO PHONE CRAIG."

PC Prinicpal "OH MY GOD! IT'S TOKEN'S GHOST! Wait that name Craig isn't that the homosexual kid he and the blond one are together. Token and Craig are always together so he must be a homosexual too! I once told Craig that if he wants to see his boyfriends butthole he should just ask. But he's a ghost now so he doesn't need to ask for consent! NO! I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW OR I'M GOING TO GET GHOST RAPED!"

CRASH

PC Principal jumps out of back window shattering it, glass flies everywhere.

Bartender "Oh sorry little boy. We are very suspicious of foreigners. Here have some cocktail umbrellas and of course you can use our phone. Who are you calling?"

Token "It's my friend Craig. I've got his number thanks."

Everyone freezes, total silence.

Token "What's wrong? Have you seen him?"

Bartender "In our legends there was a man his name was also Craig he was the last Incan warrior to be left standing. Fighting against the conquistadors it was a bloody battle. They say he had been fighting for a week, all alone the corpses were up to his knees. Till finally he was overwhelmed and died."

Token "So it's true."

Bartender "Excuse me?"

Token "No, don't worry, I made a mistake. Can I use the phone now please?"

Camera zooms into man sitting at the bar in the dark with a grey striped suit drinking whiskey out of a big glass looking at Token.

PC Principal "So I made a tactical retreat to formulate a plan to end this nightmare."

Mr Mackey "But what can we do?"

PC Principal "Have you ever seen the movie Inception?"

Mr Mackey "Oh my god! You can't mean?!"

PC Principal "Yes! I do mean!"

PC Principal and Mr Mackey saying together.

"WE HAVE TO FIND THE INTERNATIONAL RED CROSS."

Finish.