The Big Hurt
A Konosuba/Dokuro The Bludgeoning Angel crossover
You can contact me at
tsommer
My works are stored at
and a03
Now in all honesty this is only done for a few laughs since I don't know enough about Konosuba, and don't have access to the episodes, to write a full-length series that wouldn't be full of errors and inconsistences. But hey, this is a fanfic and not for cash. So if the concept makes you smile, then its worth it.
I do not own the rights to either of the two series that are about to be merged. And congrats if you remember Dokuro-chan since it's from a while back and its comedy style was unusual.
Oh yes, a No Prize if you know what work writer 'Sutter Kane' is from.
And away we go…
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kazuma Sato was tense. This was going to be his first time on television. He had no idea of what to do, even if the news people said they'd walk him through everything during the interview. Being on the side watching the television was a lot less stressful than the one making it. He'd call it off altogether except they were paying him an ungodly amount of money to tell the story of his adventures in that wonderful world he was sent to. Which he was glossing over and reediting a lot since people might misunderstand and think he was kind of a turd if he told them exactly what happened. He really wasn't the bad guy; he had just caught a lot of bad breaks. Most people would have reacted exactly like he had. They'd tell themselves otherwise, but when the chips were down, they would have. He knew because he had been there.
His return to the world of the living -well the first world he lived in when he was alive- was so bizarre. So was his death. And rebirth. And now he was Evangelioning it. But in any case it had been a typical day in that far off world. And it really had. They had been travelling as a group with nothing chasing them and there were no problems. Other than Aqua being Aqua. Darkness being Darkness. Megumin being Megumin….
And then out of nowhere a flashing red exclamation point, in the middle of a yellow circle, popped up floating in front of him. It announced that the 'Moderator Above All' had updated the 'Terms of Service' for outworlders and all changes were retroactive. It then informed Kazuma that he was guilty of misogyny, hate speech, and multiple counts of misgendering. As such he was 'permabanned' from the world effective immediately.
Everyone became concerned except Aqua, who simply shrugged and said the matter was out of her hands. Kazuma felt himself start to disappear. He didn't know how to describe it other than that. His first thought was since he had been dead in his world he was now going to be dead in this one. And what were the odds he'd end up in a third world? Maybe one that was a shooter this time….
But that wasn't what happened. Instead he found himself naked in the middle of the road. Luckily it was the dead of night and there was no traffic, so he didn't end up roadkill again. Okay, he hadn't exactly been roadkill the first time, but the idea behind it had been the same. If it hadn't been for that tractor he'd have still been alive.
So Kazuma got out of the road and assessed his surroundings. He was delighted to recognize it as the same scene where the tractor had (sort of) run him down. With basic location determined, he went through what else he needed. First he had to get clothing. Second he had to determine if this was his world and not some alternate universe. Third how much time had passed. And every other problem coming from one world to the one you had previously died in that presented itself. Etc. Etc..
It turned out it was Kazuma's world, and that the same amount of time passed in it as it had where he'd been. That meant everything he thought happened, had happened and it wasn't some bizarre psychotic break. His family was delighted he was alive, once they were convinced he wasn't some form of undead or scam artist. And once they were certain, after the honeymoon period, he was derided as being an embarrassment to the family for kicking the bucket the way he had and making them a laughingstock. He was constantly berated with a barrage of, 'If you must die, next time do it quietly and where no one will find the body.' Like he hadn't been the real victim in that.
There had been a big legal battle of restoring his status to 'living' since government bureaucracies were slow and didn't like admitting they were wrong. At one point it was suggested if he were to die again the whole matter could be settled, but he declined and eventually became legally alive in the eyes of society. Basically regaining his tax status with the government.
With resurrection came fame. Because when it was just you and Lazarus that was some pretty exclusive company. Now a television conglomerate wanted exclusive rights to an interview with him and his adventure in another world. Actually several had wanted it, and it had been quite the bidding war, but this one had been victorious and now it was time to rake in the money.
As to the story, he was making it more… palatable. Some might call it embellishment, but since no one from there was here, who was to contradict his account of events? It was his version of the truth. Everyone had one. So this would be his, and he'd share it with the world.
Kazuma was ushered into the spot where he'd wait until the interviewer was through setting things up for the audience at home. She was a definite cutie. Maybe he'd throw in something about defeating a dragon single-handedly. Not an ancient one. Just a moderately sized one. And definitely a magic sword. Yeah, she'd eat that up. Maybe he'd mention how he kept saving the girls from dire situations, which he sort of had. Women loved that too….
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
NEETs everywhere watched the program of the guy who had come back from the dead. Rumor had leaked out as to the MMORPG type world he had come from, and they wanted the low down on it.
And the tales he told of being the hero everyone looked to to save them. The bevy of beautiful women who all but threw themselves at him. The dangers he faced and triumphed over. It was like a fantasy come true.
And as the interview went on, all these NEETS remembered what it took for Kazuma to enter that world.
Many a window was looked at eagerly as all those NEETS began to get up and go to them.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kazuma felt bad about everything the next day. Bad because he might have gone a bit overboard on the embellishing. Bad because that interviewer was married, and he had wasted his time trying to impress her. Bad because all those tens of thousands of NEETS had killed themselves trying to get resurrected into that world.
But mostly it was bad because everyone was blaming him for it and it totally wasn't his fault. The NEETS had overreacted. He hadn't told them killing themselves was going to work. He was not the greatest mass murderer in history despite what the press was labeling him as. Joe Stalin still had a huge edge over him.
Life was turning out terrible again.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[Heavens Above]
It was an office. Lulutie: The Official Order of Assassin Angels, had been given them a while back to work out of. Luckily angels dealt with living in offices better than humans tended to, mostly because they got to sleep at their desks as much as they wanted until they received an assignment.
So it was a 12-year-old angel sat in a chair, sleeping at her desk, head down and a puddle of drool forming under her mouth. She had been there long enough for the drool to start leaking over the edge like a saliva waterfall. Her peaceful rest ended when another angel stuck her head in and shouted, "Dokuro. Got a hit for you!"
Dokuro sat up, blinking sleep from her eyes. She was handed a file and read it. So, a Jim Jones type talked a bunch of NEETS into drinking the cyanide-laced MMORPG Kool Aid and offing themselves. This was almost as bad as when GAINAX hired Sutter Kane to write the ending to Evangelion, and it was so insane it let the Old Ones into this universe. Luckily she had access to time travel and killed him before he could write it, leaving Anno to drive everyone into varying degrees of frustration for thirty years.
She wagered some of those people would have gone with the Old Ones option.
But now she was authorized to undo the damage this Kazuma Sato had inflicted upon the world. NEETS were necessary to the world economy. Should the anime/manga market ever crash, it would be the domino that set into motion a complete global economic meltdown that would make the Weimar Republic look like the Roaring 20's in the US.
So it was necessary she should go, 'back in time' to undo the damage this idiot inflicted. She started humming the Pitbull song of the same name as she did so. Funny how he did that one solo. She thought him incapable of making something that didn't have 'and featuring' in it.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kazuma walked along the rural road leading to his home, arms filled with the latest figurines and manga. It was one of the few joys he had in life and by god he was going to enjoy it.
As he walked with his arms laden with products, a light, feminine voice behind him said, "Excuse me."
He turned and saw a young girl in a school uniform identical to his. That was curious as in order to be behind him he'd have had to have passed her, which he was sure he hadn't done. His side of the road had been devoid of anyone else.
He examined her more closely. He didn't recognize her, and her hair was extremely pale. She was also several years younger. And then there was the halo above her head.
So that was it. She was cosplaying. He wasn't sure what character she was portraying. He also couldn't tell what was keeping that halo above her head. It had to have been wires, but they must have been really thin because he couldn't see them at all. It was a remarkable illusion.
As he examined her she asked, "Are you Kazuma Sato?"
So she knew who he was. Maybe he had a reputation as an otaku, and it had spread to the junior high. That was a flattering. And she was cute. Maybe they'd hit it off, and when it was time to graduate she'd be old enough to ask to a dance.
"Yes, I am." Which he said in as manly a way as possible without overdoing it.
Her smile nearly reached far back enough to go ear-to-ear. "Great!" she declared, then reached behind her back and somehow came out with a gigantic spiked metal bat half the size of her. There was no way she had that tucked behind her body, it was too big, and why was she drawing it back like she was going to hit—
And that was the last thought Kazuma Sato had as with a cry of "Excalibolg!" the bat connected with his skull, sending enough bone fragments through his brain to make it unworkable. The follow through pulverized it into tiny chunks and sent them everywhere.
Xxxxxxxxxx
Dokuro looked down at her handiwork as an impossible fountain of blood gushed from the target's neck. Somewhere behind her bystanders were screaming out in terror. Yes, he was dead, her job as a Bludgeoning Angel fulfilled. Now that Kazuma was dead in the past, he couldn't die and end up in the other world, then get kicked out of it and back in the real world where he'd convince all those NEETs to kill themselves and ruin the world's economy….
Oh heck! She hadn't stopped him from going down that path: she'd just first stepped him onto it. Luckily Excalibolg had plenty of additional functions: like resurrection and reformation. She did a little pirouette while spinning the spiked bat like a baton and announced, "Pipiru piru piru pipiru pii."
Kazuma's body magically pulled itself back together like nothing had happened. Which made the crows about to dine on his pulverized remains very upset. It wasn't every day they had easy access to that much grey matter.
However, to Dokuro's irritation, there was no soul. It should have come back as that was a usual part of the spell. Someone had used 'Divine Intervention' on his soul to prevent hers from working.
What to do? What to do? Ah! She had it. She would go to where he was and kill him there. As long as she did it before he was permabanned, his soul should kick the bucket along with the new body he was using. It was the perfect plan. What could go wrong?
You know, again?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pipiru piru piru pipiru pii.
Xxxxxxxxxxx
Dokuro found herself in the middle of a country road, now dressed in medieval renaissance warrior gear. Metal breast plate. Metal helm. Grieves. Halo above the helm. Clearly her spell had sent her to the correct destination. Now all she had to do was track down Kazuma and bludgeon his skull for good. No one was snatching his soul out from under her nose. This time he was going to be permadead.
And then Dokuro noticed a number of large humanoid creatures before her. They had discolored skin, animalistic features, and were very beefy. The bore an assortment of scavenged armor and an equal number of scavenged weapons. All of it appeared very functional, to their credit.
The largest of them, who appeared to be the leader, tipped his helm in her direction. "Excuse me, Ma'am, I could not help noticing you seem to be a lone itinerant traveler on this road. Am I correct in this assessment?
"You are," Dokuro said happily.
"I see. Well, we belong to the Association of Brigands and Highwaymen. It is our job to waylay passersby on these roads, relieving them of their belongings, and frequently their lives."
"Do you do rapes, too?" Dokuro asked.
The men drew back, visibly repelled. "Oh goodness, no. We've seen female orcs in action. There have to be limits drawn. You can't just do… what they do. Killing and robbing is fine, but that's just wrong." The creatures brandished their weapons. "Now we're the sporting types, so go ahead and draw your weapon before we lay into you."
"Since you asked so nicely." Dokuro's hands went behind her back.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kazuma and company were at a tavern, he sitting at a bench next to Aqua while Darkness and Megumin sat across from him. He and Aqua were in a heated discussion.
"I'm telling you this 'club killer' that's leaving a trail of bodies along the roads might very well be the same person that killed me!"
Aqua rolled her eyes. "You were not killed by a young girl wielding a giant spiked club. You died when you threw yourself in front of a small tractor, then freaked and wet yourself, then had a heart attack in the hospital. It was the most embarrassing way a person could die."
"I would never die like that!" Kazuma snapped. "I distinctly remember the skull fragments piercing my brains. My last thought was 'PAI—' Which was going to be 'pain' but I couldn't complete the thought due to brain trauma."
Aqua released a tired sigh. "Destiny sent me the VHS of your impending demise to let me know you who you were when it came time to usher you to this world. I had a good laugh over it. You had a pathetic death. Accept it. No amount of denial will change anything."
While the pair were deadlocked in the argument, Darkness and Megumin heard the sound of a 'splat' which sounded suspiciously like a club meeting a body and coming out on top, right outside the tavern doors. A moment later a young female warrior covered head to toe in blood came through the swinging doors. She looked around until her eyes alighted on Kazuma. She gave a delighted smile and approached.
Given her path, neither Kazuma nor Aqua were aware of her arrival, only everyone else in the tavern was. It went dead quiet. Darkness and Megumin should have said something, but they simultaneously hit that brain lock moment when trying to process everything. It was like a hiccup from the brain which prevented one from doing anything other than stare in shock at what they knew what was about to happen, but not believing it could be what they were seeing.
Dokuro positioned herself directly behind Kazuma. Excalibolg rose above her head.
Both Kazuma and Aqua finally realized their quiet companions were starting in horror behind him. They turned. Kazuma simultaneously wet himself and felt satisfaction that he would now prove Aqua wrong since he was about to die via skull crushing once again and before her eyes.
On Aqua's part she shouted, "Dokuro-chan!"
Dokuro froze mid-swing, focused on Aqua for the first time, then shouted, "Senpai!"
Aqua stood up and the two faced one another. They then went through a bizarre elaborate ritual that incorporated elements of hand gesticulation, an Irish jig, and finally a chest bump.
With the greeting over, Aqua asked, "What brings you here?"
"Him." She pointed at Kazuma.
"What did you do this time?" Aqua accused.
"I got murdered by her!" he shouted, relocating behind Darkness since he really didn't like having his skull caved in.
"Assassin angels aren't assigned targets willy nilly. They're God's hitwomen. You must have done something to merit one's attention. And Dokuro is one of their best agents."
"Thank you, senpai!" Dokuro shouted in delight.
"I was a murder victim." Kazuma was amazed to learn that while a lot of people liked to claim, 'God had it in for them', he really did.
It was not a good feeling.
"He'll commit mass murder in the future which will lead to economic doom." Dokuro explained the situation.
Aqua looked crossly at him, "What is it about you and dooming everyone?"
"You make it sound like it's a hobby of mine," he snapped.
"I really should finish the job." Dokuro approached menacingly again.
"Hold on. I can't have you killing him," Aqua said.
"Aqua." Kazuma looked upon her in a new light.
"It could seriously mess up things for me. I might somehow get stuck in this world forever or something."
Kazuma went back to viewing her as he always had. He really had set himself up for that one. He knew better.
"But senpai. He's the target," Dokuro said.
Aqua shook her head. "I'm your senpai and I'm pulling rank. He's under my direct supervision and I won't let him commit even more terrible acts than he already has."
"As Mr. Kettle, I insist Miss. Pot quit calling me black." Kazuma said.
"Your life is in my hands," she reminded him with a sinister gleam in her eyes.
Kazuma shook his head. "Nope, not playing the leverage game with you. If you're going to try doing that just go ahead and let her splatter my head all over the place. Keep your mouth open and you can find out what flavor I am."
"Humans taste like chicken," Dokuro provided. Sometimes she forgot to keep her closed mouth when swinging away at work.
For a moment it looked like Aqua might call him out to see if he was bluffing, but then she backed down. "Fine." To Dokuro she said, "Look, the primary thing is he doesn't get kicked out of this world for violating the TOS. Or at least until we defeat the Demon King. After that I should be released from his wish and then you can do whatever you want with him."
"That would terrify me except I know we're not going to defeat the Demon King," Kazuma replied. "TOS violations are a little trickier. What is the Moderator Above All like?"
Aqua considered that. "Imagine an angry ideological fanatic who despises anyone who doesn't always do what they want, and they're given the power of god over people in a world."
"So a moderator like where I come from."
"Except he's an actual god," Aqua said. "I'll put some thought into it. None of the other gods actually like him since his position was only recently created and he keeps trying to reshape everything in his image, which changes day to day. He's angering everybody. There might be an end run around the TOS he'll try and lay down. In the meantime," she turned to Dokuro. "You can hang around us. If Kazuma gets too out of line, or it looks like he'll get kicked, do what you have to."
"Yes, senpai!" She saluted.
On Kazuma's part, he sighed. Great, now he had an angelic assassin in the party, and he was her target, with only Aqua of all people to save him.
Well, this was proof positive that it could always get worse in this Wonderful World.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[END FIC]
Like I said, I'm not going to continue this further. Just an idea that occurred to me and I enjoyed the idea of an enthusiastic Dokuro following Aqua's lead.