Zelos firmly believed he would never set foot in Flanoir again. In fact, he had always made sure to stay away from the snow itself and from the memories it brought back to him, even going as far as avoiding it in other places as well. Even Meltokio during the winter was not a place where he desired to be; alas, while traveling around both worlds with Lloyd and his group, stopping by that dreadful place every once in a while was inevitable. Of course, Zelos was well aware of that, as much as he was aware he could not let anyone else notice the effect the powdery ice had on him.
It was still snowing in Flanoir just as it always did, just as it always would. That cold, painful day should have been nothing more than a distant memory after so many years had passed but to Zelos, the city did not seem all that different from that fateful day. It was still covered in that dirty snow, painting everything in a sickeningly pure shade of white—the ground where he was standing, the houses around him, even speckling the wind that blew against this face. He could almost feel it as a heavy presence around him, playing with his thoughts and tainting everything it neared. Every time they visited, he was forced to face the secrets that place kept locked within it frozen in time.
"Yaaay! Come on, Mama! Hurry!"
The voice of a little boy caught Zelos by surprise. From the corner of his eye, he spotted a child no older than six or seven darting about the snow and waving his arms frantically, unable to contain his growing excitement.
"Ha, ha! All right, dear," the child's mother replied. "No need to rush."
The woman walked closer to her smiling son and, for a split second, Zelos could swear he was watching a scene from his own past unfold before him, back from when he was that little boy, elated to see snow for the first time, for sharing that special day with his mom. Moments like that probably were not too rare to witness here, and he knew it. Just how many times had that very same scene played over and over again in these very streets, day after day, with different children and their families? Still, while the kids around him were free to enjoy their day and go back to the safety of their homes, the moment carved into the farthest depths of his suppressed memories ended much differently. The other children had a chance to live their own lives, and they didn't spend every waking moment worrying about the burden of being a Chosen. They did not have to carry the guilt of what that title meant, nor the weight of the lives ruined just so that their lineage could carry on.
They did not have to see the pure white snow tainted in red blood every time they closed their eyes.
"Watcha looking at, Zelos?"
He had not noticed that Lloyd was standing close to him until that question brought him back to the present.
"Mm? Oh, just this sculpture. It's quite impressive, really," Zelos answered with the first thing he could think of.
"Uh huh," Lloyd simply nodded in acknowledgement.
They stayed in silence of a brief moment, but Zelos's mind was anything but. He knew Lloyd could be rather oblivious to many things, but sometimes it felt like he knew exactly what Zelos was thinking. Not pressing him for a more sincere answer was definitely one of those moments.
Back in Meltokio, there was a popular saying for things that seemed to be impossible: it would have to stop snowing in Flanoir before something like that could happen!
"Hey, uh, Lloyd?"
Just like that, he had said it. Truth was, he had considered it before—several times in fact—since he had started travelling with the others and finding himself growing surprisingly closer to the people he has been travelling with. Zelos never realized how much weight he was carrying alone for so long until he started feeling a strange, unknown desire to share it growing a little bit more with each day he spent with them. It never felt like a real option before, not even if it truly had stopped snowing in Flanoir. And yet, for the first time, he no longer wanted to do it on his own anymore. If there was anyone who he could be honest to, there was no doubt in his mind that it would be Lloyd; but just the sheer thought of mentioning it and Lloyd taking it upon his own shoulders like he would undoubtedly do felt so utterly wrong that Zelos could no longer allow himself to entertain the thought for more that a fleeting moment. That was a right he did not have.
"No, forget it. Never mind," he added quickly. He couldn't do that.
"What? Tell me."
Of course Lloyd would not just let it go. Zelos did not expect him to ignore someone in need, and things like that were the reason why he knew Lloyd and the others were not like the people who got close to him only for their own personal interests or the perks of knowing the Chosen of Mana.
That was also the biggest reason why he could not say a thing. Not now, anyway. The role of the selfish traitor was the perfect fit for a disgraceful Chosen like himself, who was cowardly enough to take advantage of their trust. He did not deserve their kindness, or any kindness at all.
"It's seriously nothing! Don't worry about it."
Zelos avoided Lloyd's gaze by throwing another glance at the child and his mother. He did not expect Lloyd or any other of his teammates to use something so personal against him. In fact, it was the opposite—they were exactly the type of people who would probably welcome him with open arms and tell him that he would not be alone anymore, but he could not live with himself or the guilt of being comforted by those who he had been deceiving for so long. In the end, doing it like this would not feel too different from just another lie.
"Yeah? Well, if you're sure," Lloyd answered right away without seeming to think too much.
Ever since he could remember, Zelos always had been painfully aware of countless hard truths that he believed were impossible to change: the need to be constantly careful of those around him, the fact that his birth had caused more harm than his pathetic existence could ever make up for— which was something his mother's last words had made very clear—, or even the certainty that anyone would be a better Chosen than him, a better person than him. And one day, he had also been sure that he would never let anyone know what being Zelos Wilder truly felt like.
"Maybe someday, though."
Zelos' last words were just a whisper, and they were only meant to ease his peace of mind, but that was enough for now. Admitting that possibility to himself was more than he could have ever asked for, and it definitely felt as if it was more than he deserved.
"Huh? Did you say something?"
"No more questions!" Zelos declared aloud. He forced himself to quirk the corners of his lips upward, somewhere between a smirk and a grimace. "Let's get moving. My toes are going numb."
"Mine, too."
Lloyd complied without making any further comments and turned around so he could walk back into the street. Zelos followed behind him in silence shortly after, the weight of the world resting on his shoulders once again. His faltering smile was gone now that no one was looking at him.
Lloyd kept on walking obliviously, his red jacket contrasting the white snow around them, furthering the unpleasant reminder. Maybe someday… maybe someday Zelos could be honest to those around him. Maybe he could even be one of them, too— truly one of them, not as a part of an act. Could someone like him ever have that right, though? Did he even have the right to wish for that?
Would it ever stop snowing in Flanoir?