Harry vaguely heard the alarm going off in the room the next morning, but rolled over and pulled the sheets over his head. He pulled them tighter when Gemma's hands fluttered over his back and tried to pry them off. He heard Aminah, Mei, and Tony talking about him—trying in their own ways to roust him, but finally, they left him alone. When it had been quiet for a while, he got up, tripped over his trainers, then made it to the toilet to relieve himself. He was surprised to find a plate of toast and a cup of tea on his desk when he set down his staff. He had bumped the tea and made a mess, but didn't bother to try to clean it up. It got all over his daily schedule, but he didn't read it, just grazed his fingers over the incomprehensible bumps and then tossed it on the floor. He slumped back into bed, curling up again, and did his best to disappear.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Again, Gemma's hands were rubbing his back and trying to coax him out of bed, but he kept still and willed her to leave him alone. At last, she did.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Later it was Healer Jordan who was touching him and talking to him—but her voice was so far away—it was at the end of a tunnel and was moving farther and farther away, disappearing into the darkness. It was dark in a way it hadn't been before. He thought he heard Godric, too, also at a great distance, but he didn't care.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Besel's gentle voice lapped against his consciousness saying something about grieving, but he barely registered it. He was buried under ten tons of sand, his lips were parched, his eyes dry, and his insides were a dark hole of nothingness.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Then Mei's caustic voice was grinding against his head and he pulled his pillow over his head trying to escape it. She pounded on the bed and raged at him, he felt closer to the surface, but still, he didn't move.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Then Gemma climbed onto the bed and curled around him, draping her thin arm over him. He tried to move away, but she just got closer until he couldn't go anywhere, except fall off the bed. So he lay there, breathing his own putrid breath under the covers and waited for her to leave. Her breathing changed from hiccuping silent sobs that seeped into the cracks to steady deep breaths. Then, he fell asleep, too.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
When the alarms went off this time, Harry heard them. The lights were bright against his eyelids and Healer Jordan's voice was telling the time and reminding them of their schedules. Gemma was still curled around him and he reached over to touch her. His fingers found her face, he could feel salt crusted in rivulets that undulated over spattergoit pockmarks scattered across her cheeks like constellations. He knew he should feel remorse for causing her pain, but he couldn't feel anything. He felt her eyelashes flutter against his fingers and she grabbed his hand and then seized him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug.
It kind of hurt.
I can feel that.
She let him go.
"I'm sorry, Gemma," he tried to say, but he didn't have a voice. The paper fluttered by his cheek—she grabbed it.
Her tears were falling hot on his hands. He patted her shoulder, trying to let her know that he was okay.
I'm not okay.
Someone had removed the holster with his wand at some point. He didn't remember that happening.
He had to go to the loo and he staggered out of bed, feeling almost too weak to wrestle against the sheets that held his legs.
I can feel that, too.
He didn't bother trying to find his staff and just stumbled to the loo, groping for the panel to shut off the alarm and then the door handle, then following the wall to the toilet. He leaned against the wall, the side of his forehead pressing into the coolness as he sat on the commode.
I could stay in here forever.
Then he cursed himself for not bringing his staff. He was really weak. His breath was rancid and he reeked. He didn't have his toothbrush or clothes to change into.
He splashed water on his face and ran his fingers through his hair and made his way back out of the loo, where he nearly ran into Tony.
"Harry, you're up! Mate, you look horrid."
"Thanks," Harry mumbled.
"Oh, you stink. Why didn't you take a shower?" Tony asked.
"I forgot my staff, it has all my clothes."
"Can you make it to your area alright?" Tony questioned.
"Yeah," Harry answered. He was hunched over, he couldn't straighten up. He felt along the wall, then across the room to where he thought his bed was, but his hands kept encountering empty air until Gemma's hands found his and pulled him over to his bed.
"Thanks," he muttered. I'm a mess.
She tapped his chest with her index finger, then opened up his palm and wrote, "S-C-A-R-E-D" space "M-E."
He hung his head, it was so heavy, "Sorry." He signed it at the same time.
"W-H-A-T" space "H-A-P-P-E-N-E-D-?"
He shrugged. It seemed so insignificant. So silly. And yet it was everything.
She drew a question mark in his hand, hard.
I can feel that.
He couldn't say it. He felt numb.
She pressed his staff into his hand. He could feel how angry she was with him.
He shook it out and went back to the toilet—but they were both occupied, he hadn't noticed other people up and about.
I'm really out of it.
Gemma had gone over to her area—he could hear her opening her wardrobe and pushing things around. He got up into his window seat and sat there, back pressed against the wall, head on his hands, draped over his knees.
Gemma came back—she was holding something that rattled. She put it over his head. It was a Mami Wata necklace. He felt the shells and the seed pods and the fibrous cord that held them together. He tried to smile a thanks, but his mouth seemed set in a frown. She climbed up into the window seat and sat with him.
He heard the toilet door open and Tony making his way out. He nudged Gemma, "you go get ready for class."
She tapped his arm, "okay," and hopped down.
He sat for a while and then he heard Aminah and her staff emerge from the other toilet. He wondered where Arig was. He hadn't heard him yet.
What day is it? Is it nearly the full moon?
He climbed down from the window seat. He took the necklace off and left it on his desk, on top of his schedule for the day, then, still hunched over, went to take a shower.
oO0OooO0OooO0OooO0Oo
Healer Jordan was waiting for him in the extra chair in his area when he emerged from the toilet, dressed in clean clothes and able to stand a little taller after the shower. His teeth felt squeaky and his gums raw.
"Harry, I'm so glad to see that you're up. Have you had a chance to look at your schedule today?"
"Hi Healer Jordan," he muttered, "No, I didn't look at it yet."
He was tempted to crawl back into bed. He wasn't sure he had the energy to summon the anagnóstis from his staff. He had struggled to get clean clothes from his staff after showering. He felt sapped and swayed a bit on his feet.
"Here, sit down," Healer Jordan jumped up, holding his elbow and guiding him to his bed to sit down.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"Harry, I brought you a nutrition potion. Do you think you can keep it down?" she asked.
The thought made him burp.
"I don't know," he said, his hand over his mouth.
"Could you try to eat some breakfast?" she asked.
He heard the sound of conjured china settling on his desk and the aroma of toast and tea wafted his direction. He heard the schedule and the Mami Wata necklace being moved to the farther corner of his desk.
He really wasn't interested in eating. He thought about all the times he had laid in his cupboard wishing he could eat. It was weird, not wanting to eat.
Maybe I should put a crust in my pocket for Hedwig. Hedwig!
"Is my owl okay? I didn't visit her. Is she back? Did someone feed her?" he asked in a rush.
"Yes, she's fine. You received a message. It is on your desk, next to your schedule," Healer Jordan told him.
"Oh, good," he said, relieved.
He wondered if he had a teapot or a cup of tea already made and reached across his desk tentatively. He found a teapot and cup with a small sugar bowl and milk pitcher. He made himself a cup of tea and took a small sip. It was hot and he felt it warming his body.
I can feel that.
"Did you want tea, too?" he asked.
"No, thank you, Harry," Healer Jordan said, with a smile in her voice.
He broke off a piece of the toast and nibbled on it.
It tastes like paper.
He stuck the rest of it in his pocket. He took another sip of tea.
"Your schedule is a bit different today, Harry," Healer Jordan said. He heard her pick up the paper from his desk.
"Oh?" Harry responded.
"You will start out with a bit of stretching with Ms. Midgeon, have some time in the workshop with Figora working on the tip for your staff and after lunch, a private lesson with Mr. Burbage for navigation and later a conversation with Healer Geller."
"I don't know if… " Harry trailed off.
"It's okay. Just do your best," Healer Jordan said.
He hung his head—he wasn't sure he had the energy for his best today.
"What about braille? I missed it yesterday, didn't I?" he asked, talking into his lap.
"Yes, Madam Flamel says she'll catch you up once you're feeling rested and that you have the tools to practice on your own if you have the inclination… but only if you want to," she said.
He wasn't sure how he felt about that.
"Could you please try to take the nutrition potion?" Healer Jordan urged.
Harry held out his hand and she placed a small glass jar in his palm, it was heavy for its size and warm. He felt the top and found a cork that he unstoppered. An aroma reached his nose—like warm bread and pudding. He took a hesitant sip and felt the warmth spread through him and then drank the rest of it. He'd never had a potion that tasted so good. He licked the base of the cork to get the last little drops.
He sat up a little straighter and reached for more toast. It didn't taste like paper this time. They sat in silence while Harry nibbled on the toast and took small sips of tea.
"Harry, is there anything you'd like to talk about? I've cast a privacy spell around your area so that we can speak freely," Healer Jordan invited.
"No, I'm fine," he muttered.
"Harry, it is okay to be 'not fine,'" she stated firmly. "It is okay to feel mad, sad, betrayed, angry, hurt, or any number of things that you may be feeling right now."
"I'm not feeling much right now," he admitted.
"And that's okay, too," she said.
"Are you also a Mind Healer?" Harry asked, lifting his head up.
"No. My area is physical health and healing and adaptation to significant change, with a strong interest in potions. I've just had many long conversations with Mind Healers for my own health and wellbeing. I've learned a few things along the way," she explained. "When you're feeling up to it, I'd like to have a conversation with you about your visit with Professor McGonagall as well as your experience flying on your broom in the O&M room."
"Oh, you know about that?" Harry mumbled.
"Yes, your roommates were quite concerned about you and were trying to figure out if there was something that happened that made you want to retreat from the world for a little bit," Healer Jordan said, "so they told me about what you'd been doing since dinner."
"Professor McGonagall said I couldn't fly," Harry stated.
"Is it her decision?" Healer Jordan asked.
"But she's head of Gryffindor house!" he said. It made him so mad!
I feel mad!
"It's true that because you can no longer see, people are going to try to impose their prejudices on you. And it is true that, no, you can't see. We can't change that. But you don't have accept someone else's mandate about what you can and cannot do. That is something that you get to decide for yourself. I've met a lot of people who have come in here certain that they were cut off from what they thought made them who they were, but eventually they found another way to do what they needed to do to feel like themselves again," Healer Jordan said.
Harry heard what Healer Jordan was saying, but Professor McGonagall could tell him what he could and could not do while he was at Hogwarts. And what if she decided he couldn't attend at all? What would he do if he couldn't attend Hogwarts? Stay on at the center like Besel and Godric?
"IT'S NOT FAIR… " he shouted and his voice broke.
He bit it off before it became a sob and he clenched his hands in his lap, trying to suck the tears back into his eyes.
When had anything ever been fair for me? Other people got fair. I didn't. I got murdered mum and dad and having to stay with the Dursleys and a murderer who kept coming back from death to hunt me down and finish the job. And now I can't see. It would have been kinder for Fawkes to fly away instead of cry on me. Why didn't I just die in the Chamber?
"No, it is definitely not fair," Healer Jordan said. "I don't know where we get this notion that things are going to be fair, that life is going to treat us equally. I think pretty much everyone thinks that… maybe because we're expected to treat others with fairness, we think should get fairness in return. You're definitely right there, Harry. It is not fair at all. And it is not easy. I have to tell you, though, that I'm glad to see you like this… " she paused when he stiffened.
"… not that I'm glad that you're experiencing so much pain," she continued, "but when you came in I knew you had only had a month to adjust and you seemed to have already accepted this radical change in your body… and I suspected you had more work to do. So now you're doing it and once you do this work and really face what it means to experience this loss and really grieve it, you'll be able to adjust and adapt and move forward with what you want for yourself. It is not easy work, but it is necessary. You've already had to face a lot of hardships in your life, more than most people face in a lifetime… and I have a feeling I don't even know the half of it."
Harry had slumped back a bit and unclenched his hands.
"Grieve it? You mean like I died?" Harry asked.
"Well, grieve the loss of your sight. And grieve the loss of who you thought you were going to be before this happened and it changed things."
"Oh," he said. He didn't know how to grieve.
Is this what grieving feels like?
It felt heavy and wet.
"Healer Geller is looking forward to spending some time with you today and talking about it," Healer Jordan said. "If you're ready to talk some more, of course."
Harry shrugged.
"Gemma has asked if she can spend the day with you. How do you feel about that?" she asked.
"Oh," and he felt a warmth in his chest.
I can feel that.
"Doesn't she need to do her work? What about learning BSL? I mean, yeah, I'd like it. But she has her own work to do. She doesn't need to worry about me."
"Well, she's already worried about you. If you'd like it, then I'll approve her request. Sometimes the best way to get through something is knowing that someone is on your side… and she's definitely on your side," Healer Jordan chuckled.
There was the sound of chair legs moving slightly on the floor and robes rustling.
"I need you to promise me something," Healer Jordan, she had stood—her voice was coming from higher up.
"What's that?" Harry responded, angling his face toward hers.
"I need you to promise me that if you don't feel like going or doing something, that instead of retreating as you did the other day, that you come to my office. I will create a safe space for you to be while you're resting and resetting," she said.
"Okay, I guess," Harry said.
I don't see how that will make a difference. Maybe it is so I don't stress out my roommates.
"I will also let Gemma know that if she feels that you're struggling, she can contact me directly. I'll give her a bracelet that will send me a message."
"Oh, and Harry, do you know that your staff has a safety feature? If you need help… any kind of help… you simply need to say, 'send help,' while holding the three dots with your thumb? It will alert me and others at the Center of your exact location," Healer Jordan explained.
"Uh, no," Harry said.
"I imagine you're not used to getting a lot of help and that's something that you're going to have to adjust to… in addition to everything else." There seemed to be a bit of a sad smile in her voice when she said this.
"Okay, I'm going to talk to Gemma. Here's your schedule. Let me know when you need something, please. Oh, and let me know when you're ready to talk about your discussion yesterday with Professor McGonagall."
"Okay, thanks," he said.
She muttered a spell that must have vanished the tea and another one that canceled the privacy spell and then walked over to where Gemma must have been waiting.
Harry was glad he didn't have to face everyone in the dining hall this morning and really thankful that he'd get to spend the day with Gemma.
I can feel that.