Harley's Magikal Mystery Tour

Author's note: LordGrise got a bit of a wild idea in that he wanted to write a Harley Quinn story involving her taking a tour of the Marvel universe, but one that was rather… call it adultish. Suffice it to say many a wicked text was exchanged and a story was born. And no, I don't really know where this story is going, but I think it will be a fun ride.

This somewhat ties into the Sandman series of graphic novels written by Neil Gaiman in that Gaiman had a very interesting censorship quote about DC Comics. The below content is taken from www cbr com/comic-book-urban-legends-revealed-145.

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"The only word that got censored was 'masturbate,'" Gaiman says. "It was explained to me that people do not masturbate in the DC Universe. Actually, that explains a lot. That's probably why the characters all dress in tight costumes and go around thumping the shit out of each other."

Keep in mind that the editor most likely only meant that you can't SAY "masturbate" in comics. I'd also imagine that things have changed since the late 80s/early 90s, and such a position is likely no longer the case at DC, but it is amusing to note that, for a time, apparently it was the case.

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I guess that makes it the M word (grin). So… this story is dedicated to Neil Gailman and Alcimines (as Alcimines is the master of the naughty and serves as inspiration). Plus a few items were swiped from the online comic Waiting for the trade (a comic about comics) which is on Tumblr.

This story takes place after Girl's Night Out II.

Part 1: Where our soon to be voyagers discuss the unfairness of life

Marvel comics were everywhere, even a few on the bed. Dozens upon dozens were strewn all over the bedroom/living room that Ivy and Harley called home. Boxes of vintage comics were haphazardly scattered across all horizontal surfaces. X-Men, Avengers, New Mutants, Hulk, Spider Man, Fantastic Four…

Pammy (Pamila Isley, know as Poison Ivy, and now reformed villain) was currently finishing up painting Harley's toenails, which took much more time then it took Harley to paint Pammy's toenails due to the complexity that Harley liked. Harley had her left little toenail painted pink, the others alternating red, white, blue while the right little toe was currently blank as Pammy looked for inspiration. Both were dressed in just panties and bras.

And what was Harley doing you ask? She was busily scribbling in an X-Man comic with a black marker, more specifically she was drawing a big circle around Emma Frost's cleavage and some arrows pointing at the cleavage; in case you missed it. Which would mean, assuming you actually missed the cleavage, that you must be blind and don't read comics (we're talking Emma Frost after all, it's not possible to miss that much cleavage even if you're gay) while expounding on what she was drawing circles around.

"Talk about yabbos! If she put these bazookas in a bullet bra she'd be able to take down King Kong! I mean… just look at those funbags! Talk about having an amusement park!"

Harley then grabbed a Fantastic Four comic. "Just look at Stretchy here! Now his wifie is dull, and flame boy is a total boor apart from really know how to use his dick based upon the number of girl friends, and more then a few are aliens, but don't get me started about the Thing. Now, no wonder Stretchy's called Mr. Fantastic, that's a name that makes a girl a promise! Man they have better names, I mean… Aquaman vs. Mr. Fantastic? No real choice there based on the name."

And yes dear reader, suffice it to say Harley and Pammy, swing both ways.

Then another comic was grabbed, this one showing Wolverine taking on a whole gang of ninjas. "Now this fella called Wolverine is supposedly the best at what he does and what he does isn't very nice. But all I can see is that he's the best at is getting cut up."

Pammy pointed out that… "It's to demonstrate his healing ability Harley. Anybody with a healing ability has to be hurt all the time to demonstrate the power."

"I can see that, just like the telepaths are always touching their head to focus their brainwaves so they get better reception. Like putting your car keys under your chin to lock or unlock your car a greater range."

"Um…. Yeah."

"Well… based upon the number of gals he's got, I think he's the best at what he does, and what he does is doing the nasty."

"So… anything after all of this… research?" Inquired Pammy as she humored Harley on her new obsession.

"Nope… zulch, the big nadda. One divided by zero and carry the two. Illy does nothing! Completely asexual. While it appears every other X-Person is jumping into bed with a new partner every third issue… Apart from that Logan guy who apparently sleeps with almost every female. However, I did pick up the implied sexual tension between him and this Scott fellow which they totally deny by being so publicly hostile to each other but this gal is no dummy and can read between the lines; I mean it's obvious Scotty has a thing for short hairy guys who say 'Bub' and Wolvie just has to have a secret fetish involving authoritarian boy scout motif. After all… what's left for two massively alpha males to do after all the fighting? They even have a love triangle with this red head chick who is so 'I'm Scott's girlfriend' and yet keeps checking out the grass on the other side of the fence as it were, grass as in ass that is; oh, and she hangs out with this black gal who apparently has half of the of universe trying to marry her like… every fifth issue, but I think it's a friends with benefits thing going on between the two of them if you ask me."

Pammy did have to agree that the comic Jean and Ororo interactions looked suspicious, but she wasn't sure about Harley's Scott and Logan interpretation; that rather reminded her about a movie review of Top Gear where the critic felt the subplot of the movie was the main character's secret struggle with his attraction to males (and Pammy was so not buying that). Hmmm, maybe if they had both gotten blackout drunk and had woken up in bed together… that… would explain a great deal of the constant hostility shown in the comic. Pamny had pointed was that alternate reality limited series where Illyana hooked up with Lea of Hel, but Harley discounted alternate realities and so it didn't count.

Harley had been extra astonished at one of the X-Men's reoccurring villains as she grabbed other comic to show Pammy. "Just look at this… the Hell Fire Club are villains for the X-Men!? And all the woman are dressed in corsets and panties and fetish gear? I mean… come on! Since when do we ever get to fight sex club villains? Reoccurring sex club villains?! I can just see the dialog now, 'Oh no, the lesbian dominatrix orgy association has struck again… what ever shall we do to stop their villainous rampage?"

Pammy tossed aside the comic she'd tried to read, the one issue of Inhumans that Harley had bought. "My guess would be to invite them to Amazon island. Their just comics Har. And not very good ones if this is any indication. Gee, a main character who never speaks, how… dull. And his wife appears to be a complete bitch, as is her sister, and all the other characters, even the male ones, are self obsessed to a disturbing level. You know something's wrong when the dog is the most sympathetic character in a story."

Harley was regretting that particular purchase. "Inhumans suck, and not in the good way." Then a return to her complaining, but a different one this time. "And is Catty willing to share that piece of prime rib billionaire beefcake of hers? NO! And we can't even say the M word whereas the Marvel Gals and Guys are having actual orgies!"

Pammy pointed out…"You know why we can't say the M word Har. Ever since Captain party pooper cursed the universe because he thought it was wrong to do… the M word."

Harley nodded her head. "At least part of the spell's faded, I mean… for a while there you couldn't even touch yourself with impure motives, and I think several massage water head makers went out of business. I think some of the do gooders still can't do the deed by taking things in hand as it were." Then Harley got a contemplative look. "Hmmm, that might… explain… a few things now that I think about it. If you can't beat it then… well… beat them?"

Pammy had a wicked tone in her voice as she asked. "Any guesses as to who?"

They both grinned as they answered at the same time. "Wonder Woman!"

Harley grabbed the TV remote and used it as a microphone as she spontaneously sang the lyrics to the TV show Wonder Woman while dancing about the room.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.

All the world's waiting for you,

and the power you possess.

In your satin tights,

Fighting for your rights

And the old Red, White and Blue.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.

Now the world is ready for you,

and the wonders you can do.

Make a hawk a dove,

Stop a war with love,

Make a liar tell the truth.

Wonder Woman,

Get us out from under, Wonder Woman.

All our hopes are pinned upon you.

And the magic that you do.

Stop a bullet cold,

Make the Axis fold,

Change their minds,

and change the world.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.

You're a wonder, Wonder Woman!

When she was done she took a bow to Pammy's clapping as Pammy exclaimed. "Where the heck did that come from?"

"Just popped into my head… I suddenly had this weird thought, what if Wonder Woman was a TV show, and those cheesy lyrics popped right out."

Pammy shook her head at the some of the lines. "Satin tights? Somehow I don't think a Super Man TV show would have lyrics about what he's wearing. I can picture her making yet another complaint about Man's world, which really get's old after the first dozen or so times."

Which prompted quite a bit of laughter. After they were done laughing Pammy poised a question. "I've always wondered why she dresses in a version of the American flag?"

Harley's answer was appropriate for Harley, meaning it came from way out in left field. "Well, the actual Amazon flag is a labia kicking a man in the nards, I think that would kind of send the wrong message; although… would be correct as to what she actually does."

"It is not!"

A chuckle from Harley. "Well… it should be."

Harley then returned to her prior complaints. "I mean… just look at all of these comics. If we were in the Marvel universe, we'd be over our heads in beefcake and cheesecake; and top grade at that. Not to mention the whole villains and heroes with benefits action that they have going on. For example, that chrome dome telepath dude and that magnet guy… talk about having an ongoing gay affair with your arch nemesis. And that's just one example!"

Harley started pulling comics from a special stack. "Look at this guy called the Black Panther. He was apparently married to the X-Woman Storm, the one half of the universe is trying to marry. Just look at this!'

Harley turned to a rather explicit panel in the comic. In it we see a giant mass of pillows with men and woman laying about. All the woman are dressed in flowing robes whereas the men are dressed either in togas or loin cloths. We see Gambit embracing Rouge from behind. Peter is sprawled upon Kitty. Storm is being fed grapes from another female while Logan relaxes in the background appearing very content. Storm is looking right at the reader as she says… "Oh, T'Challa! Welcome!" The next panel shows The Black Panther pulling of his face mask, so as to show his shocked expression, as he states. "Welcome? What are you talking about? What is this?" Storm replies. "We're the X-Men Darling. Did you think all of those powers were just for beating up bad guys?"

Harley states with glee. "Actual prelude to an orgy! Bacchus style!"

Pammy grabs the comic from Harley and leafs through it before stating. "That appears to represent his fear, not actual actions in the comics."

Harley was not having any of that. "Fearshy smearshy, that phobia came from somewhere. Every one of those hookups is canon, oh and Logan was apparently totally doing Storm. Face it, the X-Men are a bunch of players!"

Another example was given. "Check out this gal called the Scarlet Witch. Like… every third storyline she's getting possessed, or going nuts and either killing off one or more Avengers, or destroying reality, or de-powering the mutants, or other weird stuff. And yet she's still an Avenger, which I think is all due to sex."

Harley then shows a comic where the Scarlet witch is possessed in that she goes evil (yet again), and the comic panel strongly implies that she commits an oral sex act upon Wonder Man. "I mean… it's not like she's polishing his shoes here, more like his knob. No wonder they keep her around if that's any indication of what she's up to, although I suppose it could be just hand job. You'd think she gets a free subway sandwich every third possession or so." Author's note, West Coast Avengers Issue 56, and yikes!

Pammy was only somewhat sarcastic after looking over that issue in question. "In her defense she might have been just tying his shoelaces together."

"Really?"

"Naa, just pulling your chain Har… but it sadly does make a kind of sense as to why on earth would you keep such a menace arround if the team was mostly… male. Kind of makes me wonder about some female members of the JLA."

"Yeah, likely great for team moral. Oh no! Wanda's possessed again! Me first! Although really, that idea just might make some of her supposed evil episodes suspect, likely she just wanted to get her freak on."

Then Harley grabbed a guide to the heroes of Earth (her earth). "Look, on our earth the heroes are all over, only a few in New York, and most of the guys and gals all wear full body costumes. Tight yes, revealing, yes, but mostly full body. Whereas the Marvel universe apparently has most of the heroes in New York, guess that makes hooking up easier."

Pammy was a tad sarcastic. "And I suppose punching another hero if there is a dearth of foes as I see they do a great deal of that as well."

Harley starts grabbing more comics from the special stack. "Yeah they do that a whole bunch, guess fiction reflects reality. Anyway, lots of dem appear to have full body suits as well, but check this out." As Harley shows Pammy the character Tigra (Greer Grant Nelson) she's a tiger girl, tail and all. And… she wears a very itty bitty tinny tiny black bikini.

Harley was direct in her assessment. "B cup, definite furry. Who wouldn't want to scratch that pussy and hear her purr."

Then Hercules was shown. "Chest hair, bi kind of guy, and loves to have everybody handle his mace."

Then it was time for the Hulk. "Nerd with rage issues, plus a weird purple pants fetish, but the guy is mostly nude. Does make you wonder just how tight the pants are, maybe if he wore something a little less tight in the crotch he'd be less angry."

Pammy observed. "I think the one thing that does not grow in proportion is his dick. Otherwise we'd be talking about ten pounds of man meat."

A comment that have Harley a giggling fit before she continued by showing the She-Hulk. "Now that's a big gal and apparently a fun one as well based upon all the action she gets. And she appears to like them big based upon her hookup history. Shame that the Hulk is her cousin or I'd totally bet on a hookup."

Pammy let on that she'd done a bit more research then she was admitting to. "I think that would be restricted to the Ultimates deerie."

Hawkeye got mixed reviews. "Nice ass and form, but… arrows? What is it with arrows and supers?"

Giant man was somewhat dismissed by Pammy. "Notice how many times he is shown in giant form when there is no reason for it."

"Likely a dong thing." Replied Harley. "Look who he hangs out with, Thor, Capt America, Hercules, Iron Man… I mean, likely the fella is feeling inadequate and compensating for something."

Black Widow was then shown. "Scank." Was the conclusion from both. Followed by Storm.

"She's mostly hetro, but heavy implied bi tendencies." Observed Harley.

"She was created and written by Claremont." Commented Pammy. "Every female he writes is implied bi. I mean… that graphic novel X-Woman didn't leave much to the imagination, story wise or the art." Author's note: Yeah… loved it.

Then it was Nemor's turn as Harley observed. "We get a king of Atlantis that is fully clothed. They get an almost nude king of Atlantis, or Abslantis if you look at his muscles which are on total display. I mean… wow. Just more examples of Marvel nudity and this gal approves."

The Savage land was then explained by Harley. "Apparently if you crash an aircraft, you end up in this place called the Savage Land which is way down in Antarctica yet is all warm and sunny do to some alien shanigans, plus they have dinosaurs because why not. Which is kind of weird because… I mean… it's not like folks are flying by Antarctica all the time. And you end up meeting this Tarzan like dude and his wife who's hobby must be waiting for the crashes, their not really swingers, but the other tribes are! And for some reason your clothing falls off when you get there because it's a jungle and you're only allowed wear rags to help demonstrate how primitive it is."

The Black Cat was shown to hisses from both. "Catty copycat." Was Harleys complaint while Pammy did have to agree that there was only room for one cat themed thief in the multiverse. Black Cat was in for a hard time if the two of them ever caught her (first we shave her bald and then we…)

The X-Man Angel was ogled for a bit. Pammy summed him up quite well. "Pretty boy but… what is he good for other then being sexy?"

Harley pointed out that… "He can fly with those wings."

"So he's a shotgun target? I mean… he's rather large and hard to miss with a good scatter pattern. Rather lame in that all he does is fly around and look pretty."

Harley thought upon Pammy's response. "Good point. But he's also a billionaire and we all know money is a super power."

"Just how many of these heroes are billionaires?"

"Maybe… one in eight, I figure if you're a god then that counts as well. Hmm, I wonder if that's reflected in the real world… you know… secret identities and all." Then Harley got a surprised expression. "OMG, I know who Superman must really be! It makes complete sense now!"

"Who?"

"Warren Buffet! The money guy from Okalahoma! Sups always has that Midwest feel to him and who would ever suspect Buffet?"

"He's old Har."

"Even better disguise!"

Pammy let that go for now but… did conceded that Harley might be on to something in general involving the ultra rich, secret identities and odd hobbies.

Then Captain America was shown, and both agreed that his body, and ass, were a contender for Nightwing's crown. Like… he's perfect. Pammy commented. "And Storm is the one everybody is trying to marry? When he's available?"

"And he's single…" Smirked Harley. "All apple pie and patriotic goodness. Yum yum. I still can't figure out why the Avengers and the X-Men fight, you'd think they'd all just jump into bed or something. Now that would make a great comic!"

Comic after comic was tossed about. Cleavage on display, sexy poses, rippling muscles, significant amounts of male and female naked skin, suggestive dialog and… well… some not so suggestive.

"A freaking raccoon is talking about climbing Mount Gamora as a sexual metaphor! A raccoon is talking dirty for drying out loud! Face it Pammy… we live in a more boring world and all we get is glances at Nightwing's ass. Why… if this was the Marvel universe that ass would be in novelty shops everywhere that sex toys are sold! Heck… I bet there'd even been a float of it in the Gotham day parade or something. But back to the whole villain with benefits package thing, it'd be like Sups defeating one of Lex's evil nasty plans one minute; then them doing the nasty the next! Talk about plot complications! Better cover Robin's eyes or the boy will be scarred for life!"

Pammy pointed out the obvious. "Har, you know there will literally be hell to pay if either of us gropes Nighwing's butt. The Batcan get's all kind of upset at that."

A long sigh from Harley, then… "I know… butt… it's so unfair. Something that good should be community butt, not private butt. And everything else as well."

A sly tone from Pammy. "You sound so… enthused about this supposed universe. Should I be jealous?"

"Not at all Pammy! This isn't some solo fun, I want to go visit them with you! Imagine all the fun we could have."

"Well… I'm glad you want me to come."

"Pammy, I always want you to come."

"Now who's doing the suggestive dialog?"

A smirk from Harley. "Who said anything about being suggestive." As she gave Pammy a slow kiss.

Which resulted in… um… call it some private sexy time, and a shushed comic or two.

Afterwards, Harley jumped off the bed and grabbed to shot glasses for a night cap. She meant to grab the peach snapps, but instead snagged another bottle that somehow just slipped into her hand. The bottle that she'd stashed a shot of chaos liquid back from when they had partied with Illyana and crew. A bottle that for some unknown reason now look just like the peach snapps bottle. There was just enough content to fill the two shot glasses.

Pammy proposed a toast. "To what dreams may come." They clinked glasses and downed the contents. Then Pammy grabbed the red and black nail polish. She colored Harleys remaining unfinished nail red, blew on it to dry, and then painted a black X.

With that it was bedtime. Pammy drifted off first, then Harley still bemoaning to herself the unfairness of it all as she drifted off. "No fair… Wish… wish… wish we could play with them… I mean… really… Mr. Fantastic? Wonder Man? The White Queen? Iron Man…" Then the beginning of a soft snore.

Silence but for the soft breaths of the sleeping duo. Then Harley's Iphone lit up like it was a disco light display. Strobes of multi colored light splashed across the room as the Beatle's Magical Mystery Tour began to play.

Roll up roll up for the Mystery Tour

Roll up roll up for the Mystery Tour

Roll up

That's an invitation

Roll up for the Mystery Tour

Roll up

To make a reservation

Roll up for the Mystery Tour

The Magical Mystery Tour

Is waiting to take you away

Waiting to take you away

…

…