Loong time aqgo in galaxy far away but close

Drum Solo, age 9, was being the cool, but his brother/adoptive brother Ben Solo was being the not epic dumbo ear, because his ears were like Dumbo.

There dad, Han Solo Smuggler, was being bad parent ass usual. Instead of spenting time with his kids, he would much rather bang another weemen behind Leia back. And when he wasn't doing something as immoral as adultery, he was doing unethical things in other parts of glacy near and far.

Dro Sol just wanted to have quality time with dad and maybe ecen play space baseball together. Whenever Han did make thyme, he only gave Ben Solo the attention they both reightfully desert. So when Han was tired of hearing Drew crie, he wold drop him off at space daycare for neglectful rebel parents, aka, Uncle Kuke Skywalker.

"Don't worry, kid," said Luke Skyalker, "babysitting today, jedi training tomorrow."

"You smell like spoiled green alien titty milk!" Drum Solo cry and kick Luke Skalylker knee.

"OOWHH! YOu jawa sized bitch!" Luke Skywalker go to grab Drum Solo but fail miserably as Drum Solo run down hole and lock dor behind him.

There he see in room, was cool tomboy looking girl who was maybe 14 years old? Same age gap with Anakin and his chick from episode 1.

The cute girl had short hair and was athletic build. "Hey, kid. You giving that old grump Luke Skyalker trouble?"

"Trouble my little name," said Drum Solo age 9.

"Yeah, Jedi order not my thing either. My name is Rouge Duo," said Rougue Duo.

And for first time, young Drum Solo feel arrow laser bolt of love pierce his heart. He was in love! aND he want to impress the cute Rougue Duo and maybe even go on date with her to ice cream parlor.

"Hey, want to see something cool that dad doesn't let me do?" Asked Drum.

"Umm, sure kid! Whatever you think is best." She said blushing. She thought it was cute to encourage the kid.

So Drum took out cool laser postal that he took from gun cabinet. "Pretty cool, huh? And if yo think that awesum, than check this out!" And Drum lit cigar that he also fond in Han pocket but didnt tell him he tooker so it kinda like stealing but more like borrowing but without giving it back. So straling.

Drum Solo hack unidentifiable bile on jedi carpet and gag for dear life, "HAAAKC! AUUGH!" He spat muscua and musuc tear come from eyes, "HOLY SHIT! HAACKK!"

As Drum Solo gag, Rougue Duo make nod and smile, "Woah, you're pretty hardcore kid. Maybe you come acround the Smoke Shop and I find job for you. That is if you're COOL enough for some big time action."

"Heck yeah, actshun time!" Drum was trying to desperately make this his catchprhase but it needed work in all honesty.

"Umm, yo need work on that one, but were good for now. Pack your things and meet me in back alley way. MAKE SURE NO ONE FOLLOWS YOU." She spok.

This woud nmrally nbe a r ed flag for Dram, but he was too young to know any better abd it way more coal thn hanging with dumbo ear brother or stinky green milk alien Luke.

Walking out of room. Luke Slkywalker gone. Drum Solo look around and here mop of water on floor. He see the slow janitor who allegedly had mental disability.

"ISSA me! Jar Jar Binks!" Said slow janitor Jar Jar Binks, "OHHH! Heya, Little Drummy! Yousa still he after jedi school closing hours?"

"Uhh," Drum Solo feel not comfortable. "Yeah?"

"OOh, dassa funny kawinkydink!" Jar jar throw mop into closet and sound of smashing glass heard. "Youssa want some free candy, Little Drummy? Youssa follow me into my magical closet! YYAAAAYY!"

"Uhh," Drum Solo back away, "I don't think so."

"Oh, but messa got big plans for you, Little Drummy," Jar Jar, say, "Don't yousa want to see messa private light saber?"

"I gotta go," Drum Solo run away but Jar Jar shrug and go back to his light saber practice in the closet. There he eat stale candy.

See? That's clever.

THis was more foreshadowing.

So one failed closet Jar Jar adventure later, Duo and Soli were at the intergalactic Smoke shop. It was field with all the neat things for non Jedi losers, so Drum naturally felt like he was in cool guy heaven. The only thing missing were cool hookers but he was too young to want such things yet but maybe in a few years.

"And this is where you come in, kid!" She geckled with glee. "You see, we just...umm, 'lost' our last employee in tragic err, accident! It was really sad, and stuff, um...anyway! So your job would be to take this space drug and make sure it get to Plant Drugonia. It dangerouse planet, filled with evil bad pepole, ebven space hencement with laser mini rocker missile luncher."

"Whoa whoa, that's a lot to take in." THis hurt Drum head because she spocker too many words for his young and feeble brain. "When do we get to cool part where I put on sunglasses? Maybe we can go for nice ride in da park later?"

She smile coyly, "AFTER you get job done in one piece? I think about it, my little man."

Drum did not like being called Little, because it sounded uncool and cute, which he was NOT. But he figured if it for the cute tomboy, anything goe.

Drum Solo get on public space bus, he not like the alien driver because he have lazy eye and that give Drum Solo 9 year old brain the quote heebe jeebies endquote.

So Drum sit on back and he learn the tricks of the trade from alien hustler known as French Hustler. He was a think alien who look like hat stand except he actually wear the hat and trench coat. Drum Solo learn to be smooth talker from him and he eventually get to Drugonia customs.

"Alright, we want to make sure no one is wearing drugs or sneaking them in." Said the Drugonia guard who look like drug alien.

But Drum was very small and use this to his aventure. He pretend to be midget and this made guard uncomfortable so he didn't look at him. Smooth, Drum tinkered to himself. And so Drum was able to get drugs to baron of drug trade whose name was Dogon Droon. Dogon Droon look like a mrashroom and maybe part bull dog.

"You did could," said Dogon Droon, "You go far in this business, kid. But only if you don't get higher on the supplier, know what I mean?"

"No,' said Drum.

Dgon Droon laugh, "Ha! I like yourstyle. You do some jobs for me and I get you lots of uhh lets go with good on resume."

"No monee?" Drum ask.

"I pay youn in exposure. Then we can talk about money."

And so Drum Solo start to run drug deals for Dogon Droon and he learn more of the Art of the Deal and meet all the right shadow figures of space underworld. He even learn how to throw cool gang signs with his hand so he could pass easily on right ghetto planet withou getting the shot at.

And eveutally drug deal go bad and Drum Solo get abudted in sack by alien with testicles in mouth.

"A sack, rellly? How unorignal is that?" Ask Drum to audience but he shrug and go along with the plot device.

"Quite down back there, young man! Your in a galaxy fool of trouble!" Said bacllsakc looking alien, whose real name is a mystery.

"It kinda funny if you thogt about it."

"And what do you mesn by that, wiser guy?"

"I just mean how funny it is that guy who have sack in mouth ALSO carries sack around! Pretty funny if you thogt about it." Drem luff at his stupidity anf this made the guy really upset.

"You won't be marketing goof jokes when you see where im taking you." Then the guy began to lugh with fury, but this bad idea because he gaggered on sack in mouth.

In reality, this reality anyway, he was bringing him to be jugdt by jury of his space pierces. There, thy will decide on his punishment. Although he was too young to be brought to the Senate who would ordinarily decide his fate, they would still try him as juvenile drug mule.

SO they arrivet after mnay bad ball jokes, and it was none other than the infamously crooked Matza Pinata Courthouse. It was oringtlaly named after Maz Kanata, but they made typo and never havd money to fix it.

"What there is place?" Drum asked which made perfect sense.

"You are going on trial, and I sure hope you have some good connections!" Said Mystery Kidnapper.

And so, there at the podum was a 9 year old son of Smuggler, who had been for many months, being used for free child labor to distrubites drugs all throughout Galaxy, which would make Luke very upset if he ever fond out about it.

"Your honor in my defense," say Drum Solo to eagerness susepsne of court, "THE LAW IS STUPID!"

Judge no agree, "But Drum, without the law whose is to say I can't come down there and twist your nipples really hard for ten billion years. Would you like that? No, I don't think so."

"But I would not allow that." Drum Solol, "Because you are slow loser and I'm too quick on my feet." Everyone was on the edge of the seat, both very good points like this continued to gon and on but it became clear that Drum might just be the one to lose after all.

Then Han Solo come to playground during court recess and he sigh at Drum. "Drum. You can't be smiggling drugs. I work too hard to give you good life. You should be happy enough to play video games on your Jam Box 9."

"Shut up, you not here for me," Drum Solo say, "you never here for me!"

"That is true," Han Solo said. "In fact, to make Leia shut up about all this, I was going to come and bail you out but I forget money on bus. I know I know, that silly of me. Guess i"m guetting hold."

"I will be raped on space prison if I lose this trail," Drum Solo shout, "and more importantly, I will be considered a loser for losing court case! ANDE VEN MORE IMPORANTLY!" Drum stup and he not want to admit he want to lose virginity with the sexy tomboy Rouge Duo because now he was going through puberty.

"Tell you want," Han Solo say, "I smuggle you something and you can leave. But in the future you do me favor, okay?"

"Deal, but you are still dog shit day," Drum Solo.

"O would tell you to watch your moth," Han Solo say, "But I guess you got too much of me now. You re now smuggler."

And so Han solo smuggle something from car to Drum. "A GUN!?" Drum shout.

"It's the only way, unless of course you say you're sorry."

"Not going to happen," Drum solo click the button on his new laser pistol. "Bout time you gave me what I always wanted for Life Day."

"If Leia ask you got it from Luke," Han Solo walk away, "now I go to space race to have a few beers with Chewbacca. Catch you later, kid." And for once Drum thought his dad pretty cool.

At the trail judge ask Drum, "So Drum, are your sorry for dealing drugs across the galaxy?"

"I'm sorry," Drum Solo say, "it come to this!" And Drum Solo shoot the judge with pistol and then shoot hole in window and jump out and he having so much fun he shoot lady walking her dog because now it like GTA. Too bad for Drum ther ewas big chase and he have to come back and find shelter with someone he trust. But who hjmm?

"Gotta get my wanted lebel down AND FAST!" Drum was erect, his level was at least a 3, so the AI cops would be a little difficult for a 9 year old.

Good thing he knew JUST the place! SO he go to the one place you go when you killered a bunch of pedestrians in and out of space court. The Big SMoker shoppe!

"Oh! Umm, your back! I mean, of course your back! Why would I expect ay different?" Say the girl who Drum now wanted to be inside of.

"Yeah, babe. Im get jobn done just liek you ask, and did some growing up while I'm at it." Drum was referring not just to his growth as a caracter, but also something naughty that we can;t saider here.

"Umm, why are there space cops outside?" She say, and, there was. A LOT of them, too! "I thought I told you first lesson, don't have pepole follow you."

"Opps, may hev gotten carried away and kilt people for fun." He laughed like innocent child he used to be. "Sorry for do this, honey. Hope yo can forgive me."

And so, Drem did SMARETESt thing he can thinker. And it was smart, very well thought out like he was taught to do. He take the gun, wrote post it note on it that say, 'this gun belonger to Duo" and put it in her hand as cops walk in.

"That her, officer! She made me who I is today!" Drum spelt.

"Okay boys, you heard the younling! Book her!"

This was mistake, but cops knew nothing, so arrested her anyway cause she was the oldest in the room but also because she had gun with post it note on it. That was all the vicdence they needed.

"Wha? I'll get you for this, Son of Solo!" She made fist of sadness as she knew she wouldnt survive men jail (A/N: It's okay, we'll bring her back in future story as potential love interest for Drum).

"Tell it to the JUdge!" Drim also made sure that when he wrote post it note, that he left his PHONE Number for when he would eventually get one.

And so, Drum was dropped off by Police back at the Millenial Falcon. Begrudgglingly, Han was not home so Chewer bacca had to take care of him instead. Han was too busy spending time with his REAL son, Ben Skywalker.

"YOU SEE? IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HIM AND NEVER ABOUT HOW COOL I AM!" Drum was sad that he spend time with loser dumb stinky carpet. But at least in a few years, he could look forward rto bailing out his new griflreind. Better her than him in prison, am I right?

But before that, Drum Solo was watching Saturaday Morning cartoons about the amaizng adnveurtres of Admiral Akbar. He thought it was the gayest thing he ever saw. Chewbacca who was babysitting, did not care that Dronon Droon and several other alien mobsters had barged in and held Drum against the wall.

In fact, Chewbacca was passed out drunk again.

"You lost an entire shipment of space drugs!" Said Drogon Droon, "So where the FUCK is my money, you nine year old peice of shit!?"

"I work on it," say Drum smoothly. "I ge your money but then I cut you loose and start my OWN smuggling operation."

"FIne," said Drogon Droon, "but you better make it quick."

So Drum think hard about where to get the drug money for drug monbsters who threaten him in his living room. He think and he think and even make the bathroom stink. And there on toilet he get hit like genius.

Drum go to Luke Skyalker stupided jedi temple and say, "Yuncle Luke, I TOTATLLY want to be Jediu now!"

"Ahh, that is good," said Luke Skyalker, "I knew you would come around one day, and be my trusty padywan."

"Yeah yeah, sure, whatever," Drum Solo say, "Hey, where you get us drink, huh?"

"Sure!" Luke say with happiness, "I'll get us some Yoda-Soda!" And Luke Skywalker skywalker away. BUt then Drum take this advantage and go into Luke Skyalker office alone and there he see Luke Skyalker's trusty friend R2D2, who was very important for running the jedi budget, but Drum thought that dumb.

So Drum get greeted by R2D2 hapily, and Drum take hammer to R2D2 face, knock him out, and sell his parts for big profit on black marktet to pay off Drogon Droon.

And so Drum Solo start his own smuggling operation on his own, and he make good living, and he begin to grow up, and he became teenage smuggler superstart and even featured on black market magazined own by Buzz Creamer.

Drum even have to kill French Hustler one time but that was only business but it was first time he get use many cool new weapons and plasma launcher which he thought was cool and made good reputation for him. But then he get in fight with long headed alien guy and his mother Leia asid enough was enough and he had to go to collage. Of course, Drum thought that just good excuse to party it up.

After collage not work out so good, though he did make friend with cool space racer Poe Damneron, Drum get call from han Solo saying "Son, it's time for me to cash in that favor you owe me."

Drum, ready for cool action fight now, lean back and say, "Lay it own me"

But Han Solo say, "Lei feels bad about Luke Skyalker jedi temple failing embarrassingly so she want you to join order and become jedi."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME" Drum Solo shout and adventure were to cintiue in next epistle.