/Nah like for real tho, no joke, I'm retelling ALL of Naruto, but I made it a 10/10 best shonen material, I'm not kidding, this is not a shitpost despite the fact that it looks like one, I promise XD. I'm serious! Don't go, this is not a joke! :O/

So uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Naruto had that Nine-Tails beast in him, right? So like, what if he didn't XDDD like what the fuck, he can have infinite chakra with that shit, so what that he has to train to get it, that doesn't make any sense, he didn't earn it, it doesn't teach anything, people aren't born with demons inside them that they can use, like, no one else was given that opportunity XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Alright so like, Naruto starts, no one likes Naruto but not because he has the nine tails demon, but because he's an idiot, ok?

Then he learns a jutsu or something, that was like, really difficult? No one knew how to use it, but like, Naruto had that moment of brilliance and he found a way to use it, and well, not even the hokage could. So that would be the first episode, where it's established that Naruto is kind of an idiot but has crazy ideas that somehow work out.

Alright and then everything stays the same, until the chuunin exam, Naruto obviously gets the chuunin rank alongside Shikamaru, who is the smart guy, so it's like a contrast that both the dumbest and the smartest kids both passed. Meanwhile, Sasuke is a shithead like always. They chase Sasuke when he escapes the village, Naruto loses because the power spike Sasuke got from Orochimaru was too strong.

Shippuuden starts, Naruto comes back to the village, still is a dumbass but knows some more things, and oh yeah like, I forgot. Rasengan doesn't exist, ok? Fuck that XDD

Meanwhile it turns out, that while Naruto was away from the village, everyone already fucking forgot about Sasuke. Like, Sakura grew a brain and realized that "hey, he was fucking mean to me all the time, it was just an adolescent crush, fuck that guy XD" and they spent some time together, blah blah blah, Kakashi reunion woo hoo, then the Gaara arc starts, where Rock Lee isn't being shat on by Kishimoto, because Rock Lee is fucking BEST. He becomes Naruto's new best friend.

Oh and uh, Sai doesn't exist XDD

Naruto and Sakura make up the only tag team, because there's not enough chuunins to join them so like, they're the talk of the village, like, are they dating or what? :ooooooo

Oh and btw, the shitty humor with Sakura punching Naruto whenever he does something silly is gone XD that's shit.

Also, Sakura is not a fucking melee fighter but an illusion expert, because she was good with illusion at the beginning of Naruto but Kishimoto forgot about it because he's terrible XDD

So like then, the Sasuke chase starts, but this time not because Naruto misses his friend so much UnU but because he's a criminal, since he joined forces with Orochimaru. So they go there, oh and BTW Yamato is gone XDDD

Naruto, Sakura, and Lee (because he's Naruto's bff) go there, Sasuke is there and Sakura has this moment of like "wait, I think I still like him", but Sasuke tries to kill her and she's like "ok I'm dumb, fuck that guy" and they fight, but like, Sasuke is saved by Orochimaru and there's that LOL XDD

Then the Shikamaru/Hidan arc starts and like, it's the same as it used to I guess? But without the Rasengan. Instead, Naruto uses some kind of a brain move rather than some overpowered asspull bullshit.

We go to Sasuke XDD He's like, fighting Orochimaru, he didn't kill him tho like in Shippuuden. Instead, the wounded Orochimaru runs away. He's too good of a villain to just kill like a retard.

BTW I forgot to mention: Sharingan is, as it used to be at the beginning, about predicting enemy movement, and not like XDDD interdimensional portal/fire breathing/mind controlling overpowered nonsense.

Sasuke goes to kill Itachi, and on his way, he meets those other fucking guys, I don't remember their names LOL. Sasuke is a shithead to them like always, the redheaded chick is into him but then he's mean and she has the same reaction as Sakura.

Sasuke kills Itachi, finds out about Danzo and like, that Itachi was a good guy. And he decides to kill himself XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD fuck sasuke like, I don't wanna see him even in my superior version of Naruto.

Alright so the Pain arc starts. The big baddy Pain attacks the village. He fucks up everything and everyone. He's the ultimate fucking baddy. Naruto has to save the people. He does that through training, but not with the stupid frogs that give him overpowered abilities that anyone can learn if they spend enough time, but like, he comes up with something, alright? ;DDD

Oh and btw no more of that "everyone dies but Nagato revives them". Let's do it so that when Pain uses Shinra Tensei, Tsunade sacrifices herself to like, put a one-time shield on everyone in the village, and she dies. Everyone else survives but they can't fight Pain in their state.

So yeah, Naruto comes, and like, he defeats pain, turns out it was Nagato's doing. People are celebrating like in Shippuudden, but a bit earlier. Naruto says "Guys shut the fuck up, it's not over yet. The real guy is somewhere around." So Naruto finds his lair with like, the help of others, they go there and they tell him that "well fella you'll spend the rest of your life in jail xd" but instead of talk no jutsu, Naruto just fucking murders that bitch in front of his friends (Sakura, Lee, everyone else came there). Naruto was mad because Jiraiya died. Fuck that "talky talky I'm the same as you, let's be friends" crap, Naruto just fucking SMASHES that guy XDD Nagato's chick, Konan, is taken to prison, they had to fucking restrain Naruto to not smash her, too.

So like, everyone is scared of talking to Naruto for some time. But he calmed down, has this like, chill out moment a bit, like, some emotional, fucking… perspective, kind of like, inner self moment. He becomes cheerful again, but is never as dumb as before.

Then it turns out that Madara tricked pain into attacking the village. But Madara is fucking lame, right? Like XD in Naruto, Madara was born into the most powerful clan, has the Sharingan fucking handed to him, cheats his way into being powerful and shit, like… how about no XD

So uhh, Madara turns out to be fucking lame, but he's good at manipulation. And not like ninja illusion shit, he's just a charismatic fella. They find his lair ("they" as in the ninjas of the world, cuz like, Naruto didn't wanna go catch him.) He's brought to the village (now rebuilt after a few months). And he fucking does it, like, he stirs so much trouble from just being there, even in cuffs. He says some shit that the other villages are to blame, that they funded his actions against Konoha… and they fucking believe it LOL because it turns out that he's been planning all of it from the start. The evidence (fake) is everywhere, now all villages hate each other and want to kill each other. Chaos erupts and Madara escapes. Naruto realizes there's a loophole in what he said, but no one wants to listen to him, he believes Madara is lying. Konoha is in the terrible state, cuz it's like, still destroyed. Naruto and a few of his friends (namely Sakura, who is now Naruto's best friend AND she has feelings for him, although it's not apparent, and Lee, because he's my fucking BOY, and Shikamaru was supposed to go with them, but he got hurt and like, can't XD It will be funny to see Naruto as the fucking head of the team, the planner, the thinker etc.)

Oh and btw, I just remembered: I don't like NaruHina, so let's just say that Hinata was never into Naruto? She liked him, and they were friends when they were kids, but when Naruto said that he liked her, she said that he's not really her type, but they remained friends nonetheless OwO)

Oh and like, since Naruto didn't have the nine tail beast, then what the fuck is Akatsuki's goal, right? XD Let's just say that the tailed beast don't exist LOL (So Killer Bee is gone, bye bye Killer Bee XDD he got too much screen time anyway) and Pain attacked the village because he really wanted to avenge the deaths of his comrades, and it somehow turned out that every Akatsuki member was killed by the Konoha). So there's that.

The ultimate goal of Akatsuki, was to create chaos, during which they can take control over everyone and essentially rule the world. Madara's hidden motive, though, is to have everyone kill each other, so he can fuel his life-expanding jutsu (that he uses to stay alive), because he's scared of dying, like, he doesn't wanna die.

So Naruto, Sakura and Lee go to his whereabouts (meanwhile everyone is fighting each other, but not to the extent as was in the war arc in Shippuuden, which was a steaming pile of dogshit. They need to find evidence that Madara is behind everything. The rest of the chuunins do so (Ino, Hinata, Neji, Shino etc.), as they were sent by Naruto to find clues in the other villages. They contact Naruto through the fucking machine thingy that they used to call each other, and now that Naruto is sure, he can fuck Madara up. Madara, he tries to mess with their heads, turn them against each other, but they don't fall for it. They beat him up like a motherfucker, and as Naruto wants to gag him and tie him up, to be brought back to admit everything, but as he does, Madara says he isn't afraid of death anymore. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in jail, so he transforms all his life energy into fucking raw power. He's like really fucking strong now.

Naruto, Sakura and Lee can't beat him and are on the verge of death, but fucking Orochimaru comes from behind Madara, and bites his head off XD He says he really fucking hated the guy. He asks Naruto to not tell anyone that he's still alive, as he's still a wanted criminal. He tells him about Sasuke and Itachi, and Naruto is sad to hear all of it. Orochimaru says he wants to spend the rest of his days (because he's old and tired) on the sea, which is surprising to Naruto, but Orochimaru says he was always fascinated with what's beyond the sea.

Naruto and his friends come back to the village, every village stopped fighting as Madara was exposed, everyone is happy, except a lot of people died. We get scenes of funeral ceremonies, Naruto being sad again but Sakura is there for him. Everyone is rebuilding the villages, Naruto is having fun with friends, we see a scene of Orochimaru sailing away on a ship.

Then we see the time skip. Naruto is now a Hokage, married to Sakura, everyone else is also in a relationship with some of the people they met during war from the other villages, so yeah, cross-village ships like in the original, but not bullshit asspulls like Choji and that one chick whatshername XDD, but like actually established relationships that we saw snip bits during the war arc (which doesn't suck anymore).

And that is all. Let's sum everything I've done:

Character progression? Check.

Characters learn for mistakes? Check.

Redemption arcs? Check, Sasuke did everyone a favor and killed himself.

Depth? As deep as my ass, which is infinite.

Kishimoto, please consider writing Naruto again and hiring me XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Oh and obviously Boruto doesn't exist lol

THE END

I suppose this can be considered a fanfiction, right? UwU