The following is a list of rules that I, Hugh Ransom Cabrera, do solemnly swear to obey, as laid out by my perfect and amazing wife, Marta Cabrera.

1. I will not kill anyone because they harmed Marta.

Addendum: I will not kill anyone because they harassed Marta.

Addendum: I will not kill anyone for catcalling Marta.

Addendum: I will not kill anyone for being mean to Marta.

Addendum: I will not cause any type of harm to anyone for saying bad things about Marta (or do bad things to her), no matter what they may be.

I can if Marta gives me permission, but I know she won't. She won't even let me break that bastard neo-nazi's nose, even though we have the money to pay the lawyers to get me off an assault charge while Walt and Donna don't. And by the way Marta, Alicia agrees with me that saying bad things about you should be a crime against humanity.

2. I will not mention or demonstrate any aspect of my relationship with Marta to my family.

Look, Marta, I know that it's about informed consent, but my family members are all assholes, and they deserve to squirm over it. Especially Walt.

3. I will not go out drinking with Alicia or her friends, especially when Marta is not there to supervise.

Marta, for the last time, I have no idea how we got the tiger. Or the champagne fountain. Or the inflatable palm tree. Or the life-size cardboard cutout of Captain America. Or the Blood Like Wine logo from the reception area of the cooperate building.

4. I will find other things to talk about at parties other than all the trivia I know about serial killers and methods of murder.

Hey, everyone needs a special interest or a hobby.

5. I will not, while binge-watching Criminal Minds, give a running commentary about the realism of the psychology of the serial killers and what I might do differently, especially when other people are around.

Please see the above note about everyone needing a hobby.

6. I will not joke about asking for permission from Marta to kill or harm people. This one also has the 'especially when others are around' rule.

Mr Blanc does seem to find the humour in it, so can he be an exception Marta?

7. If I'm unable to sleep, I will do something else and not stare at Marta sleeping all through the night.

But Marta, I like watching you sleep. It calms me.

8. I will not attempt to cook anything in the kitchen without Marta or Alicia or Mrs Cabrera to supervise.

That happened one time! I was just trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I didn't mean to almost burn the kitchen down.

9. I will not spend all of my allowance on buying random things for Marta. This goes double for jewellery.

Marta, you really take the fun out of everything.

10. I will go over every shopping list that I make with Marta so that she could check over what I want to buy. And Marta (or Alicia) should also accompany me while I shop to make sure I'm sticking to the list.

Again, I only bought 150 scented candles once!

11. I will tone down my interrogation of Alicia's boyfriends so that she could actually have a chance to date them.

Look, Marta, I know the last boy Alicia tried to date. She's much better off without him.

I also agree that Marta can make changes and modifications to these rules as necessary, and I will be informed of these changes in advance, so that I can adjust my behaviour accordingly.

Signed,

Hugh Ransom Cabrera